You

I trace the patterns where I felt your skin
I smell the sweat of our chemistry mixed

I hear the laughter and the giggles of our play
I feel the pressure of your body pinning mine

A bite here, a tickle there
A wicked smile 

A squeal
A sigh 

A lick
A kiss

I love you
I know

 

I have had an amazing few days despite the bumps. Sarah and urgent care, my fun kidney stone issues. Scheduling drama. All these things counted for and the time this week has still been magical. I have reminisced over the last year with my Joseph. We have talked about things we have said. The places we were when he said I love you for the first time. The second time. He was so nervous. The ways that he told me were so cute, meant to be said with an edge of fun so that he wasn’t overwhelmed with the seriousness of the moment. Before he said I love you. We were laying in bed, and he said to me. 

“I am getting quite fond of you” 

I knew it was hard for him to admit it. He had already said that the commitment to me and the girls scared him to death.  The first time he said he loved me, he wrapped me in his arms around me in the dark and rocked me back and forth and said,

“I just love all of this so much!” 

It was so sweet, it took me totally by surprise. Not surprised that somebody loved me. That my Joseph not only said it to me, but he said it first.

The second time was watching movies, and he leans over and kisses me. Then he says,

“I love Tiarra cause she’s so delicious.” (Yes you can hear the goldfish song here, and yes he sang it that way)

Since then more I love you’s have been exchanged than I could ever hope to count. Watching him smile, seeing him with the girls. Dream come true. I am indeed blessed. As I sit here watching the kids play minecraft, and I sit here typing this while Joseph is off grinding away (quite literally) at Starbucks I am just grateful. It is a nice place to be. Just happy to be me. My tattoo makes me happy. It is true every day. 

I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.

All my love,

Lady X

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Endless

Endless is the time when you are away

Endless is the time that I want you to stay

Endless is the beating of my heart when you say I love you

Endless I wish the time in your arms was

Endless is how I wish time was when we are close

Endless is the reaching my heart does when you are far

Endless is how I love you now

Endless is how my heart beats for you

Endless is what I want our love to be

Endless is where I hope we stay

 

Love always readers,

Tiarra aka Lady X

 

 

Cigarettes and a Show

Today is Thursday. I only know that because I worked. I tend to forget what day it is when I’m not at work. For instance I didn’t know yesterday was Tuesday because I didn’t care. Monday night the kids went to dads and I was reunited with my Joe. I hadn’t seen him in near a week and a half. I have been worried sick. With only the phone to comfort me while I am unable to care for him.

Now when you don’t see your love for days seeing them is almost surreal. When he walked through my front door I was giddy, heart racing. He looked smaller. My poor honey had lost at least ten pounds. He hadn’t been eating much since his throat was so messed up from being so swollen. His voice was still scratchy. But damn was he a sight for sore eyes. I pulled him into my arms and he pulled me into his and I swear for a moment the world just stopped spinning. He just kept squeezing like he didn’t believe I was really there. I just held on. I swear sometimes I feel like I might fall off the earth it’s spinning me so fast. And I get caught up in that spin. It just makes me dizzy.

I looked up at that happy smiling face of his. Just giddy. I asked him how he was feeling, what he wanted to do, I kissed his face at least a dozen times while asking all of this. Just grateful to be this close to him.

I’m very intense. I honestly feel with every fiber, every atom. Every particle. I’m an artist. I can’t help it. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t this way.

Strangely though while this intense I’m also a bit detached from the more emotional side of life. I rarely cry unless it’s a movie. Things that should make me cry don’t. So when I cry it takes me by surprise. One day when Joe was sick he called me. We talked. The afterwards he sent me this:

Joe: I’m missing you something fierce right now babe.

I cried. A lot. For a while. I just don’t do that. I left my ex husband and i didnt shed a tear. But with Joe, I missed him so much I was aching inside. And he pulled it all out of me with that sentence.

So having back in my arms was like in the movies.

So we laid down, and we talked and we listened to music and we watched some comedy and a movie. And I just soaked him in. I needed it. So did he. We never had any measurable amount of space between us the time we were together till he went home on Tuesday evening. I have proof. I have pictures with my iPad. Cheesy moments. But I love them. I also have the account of an eye witness.

Wonder what my title to this post means? Well after we saw The Watch at movie theater we stopped to get him some gateraid from the gas station. I can’t remember what he said to me but I grabbed that face of his and kissed it silly. And the car next to us rather loudly:

Strange man: I came to get cigarettes, I didn’t know I’d get a show too.

I blushed and Joe laughed. And I kissed him again for good measure.

I’m a lost cause with him. Over the top, head over heels, in deep.

He’s my puzzle piece.

I tell him all the time.

My penguin.

I’m an awkward mess of mush and love. And of loads of other things As well. But my heart is happy.

My Joe is back at work today, feeling fatigued still but a little better everyday. He and I will see each other fewer and farther between now that our schedules are opposite and he will have school on the 27th.

I’m planning a fall getaway. I’m sure I’ll need the face time with him by the time it gets here.

Every second is worth it. Every moment is precious. And I’m grateful for each one. And if it happens, and he runs away scared since no doubt I’m a heavy bag to carry I will be more than glad I felt his love. Felt his touch, his kiss. Heard him read to me, and wrestle me. And maybe sometimes I am just gonna come here and mush over him so I have a record. I enjoy sharing this journey with you all. Ill take the good with the bad in this life. And I’ll share it here.

Because even a moment of good can erase a wealth of bad.

Be loved my friends,
Lady X

Rough

I like it rough
This you know

You bite my neck
I kiss your throat

I push you down
Pined to the bed

Stronger than I look
Bad as it gets

You wink at me
I giggle, I smile

The all at once
I’m on the bottom of the pile

How did this happen?
What did you do?

Stronger than me
Not stronger than you

I let you win
I solemnly pout

You laugh
And I wriggle
Trying to get out

I win because you want me to
You boast against my mouth

Im lost in love
Poured straight from your spout

One second
One minute
One hour
One day

Worth it for that moment just to hear you say

I love you.

5 o’clock in the morning

I just took a great nap. I feel pretty good. I am listening to that song in the above mentioned title. It’s the song I think of everytime I am awake at this time. And since I have spotify I can listen to it because I was just thinking I really wanted to hear it.

The only problem with this nap is I have a lot to do today. I want to try to get my hair done, then I need to grab a few groceries, though Carlos picked up some so he saved me a trip and the use of my credit card.

Continuing forward with my random post, had a great night at work. Lost power at the Bucks for an hour yesterday. It was very interesting. We sent one of our baristas home early but then wished we had just sent her on lunch. But it was good. We worked it, closed it down and then just chilled out outside letting the wind blow our words around while we just chit chatted about how things were when we were younger. Being 31 means I can use sentences like, “when I was a kid” and get away with it.

Sometimes you just need a few minutes of the past.

So as I figure out what I am going to actually do with this fantastic day, I bid you all adeui.

So here are the lyrics to that song. Enjoy your morning my bloggers. I hope you are getting some 5am action. I am lying in a bed filled with too many yippy dogs, a toddler and just me. maybe I’ll just stay up. I’m sure I can get way more done that way. We will see. Too much to do. Too much too do.

All my love always bloggers,
Lady X

[Lily Allen:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there (uh)
Until I heard you come up the stairs (uhh)
And I pretended I was sleeping (uhh)
And I was hoping…

[T-Pain:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and I want ya
And you want me, don’t ya?
I can see it
Cause you’ve been waiting on me since
I said that I was hittin’ the club
Something coming up on me
And I know you be getting so horny
Cause you be sending me texts saying
Like boy just get your ass up in that car
And come get all of this love

(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)
You ain’t got to remind me
She already said if I don’t come home on time
She might go crazy
And she’ll be waiting on me naked
With one of my chains on
She might come and find me (oh oh oh)
And then ask me kindly
Do I want her to go crazy?
We do this every night
And then we always wake up singing the same song

[Hook: Lily Allen]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning (yeah)
Conversation got boring (talk to me girl)
You said you’re going to bed soon (let’s go)
So I snuck off to your bedroom (come on)
And I thought I’d just wait there (wait on me)
Until I heard you come up the stairs (I won’t let you stay lonely)
And I pretended I was sleeping (alright)
And I was hoping you would creep in (goodnight)

[Hook 2: T-Pain]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in

[T-Pain:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
And you calling
And these females got me stalling
I can hear your voice in my head like
“What is he doing? Oh, what is he doing?”
Cause I keep checking my cell phone
And these missed calls
You texting me like I’m a kill y’all
If you don’t get your ass up out of that club
And do you know what time it is?

(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)
Oh, oh my bad, girl
And this Nuvo got me trippin’
And I know that you mad, girl
But you ain’t got to worry about nothing
Girl I got you, girl I got you
She might come and find me, and then ask me kindly
Do I want her to go crazy?
We do this every night and then
We always wake up singing the same song

[Hook: Lily Allen]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning (yeah)
Conversation got boring (talk to me girl)
You said you’re going to bed soon (let’s go)
So I snuck off to your bedroom (come on)
And I thought I’d just wait there (wait on me)
Until I heard you come up the stairs (I won’t let you stay lonely)
And I pretended I was sleeping (alright)
And I was hoping you would creep in (baby girl goodnight)

[Hook 2: T-Pain]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in

(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)

[Wiz Khalifa:]
You ain’t got nothing on
But the t-shirt that I left over your house
The last time I came and put it on ya
Too many thirsty girls up in this club for me to
Leave here with one of them
That’s why I call her
And you’ll be right at home waiting for me
Iphone plugged in the wall, just waiting for me
Club closed at 6, left around 4:30
Yeah so by the time I’m at your crib…
(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)
And you yawning, but I’ve been drinking all night and I feel like performing
With you in the bedroom
Floor to the dresser
Don’t want nothing less cause I’m sure you’re the best
You’re the one, so I let you
That’s how you show me love
And when we finish you like “Damn, babe you woke me up”
I love the way you put it down like it’s for both of us
The sun ain’t the only thing that’s coming up

[Hook:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning

Time

Time –noun
1. the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.
2. duration regarded as belonging to the present life as distinct from the life to come or from eternity; finite duration.

I talk about time a lot. It could be because I feel like I never have enough of it. I feel it is taken for granted the time we have here. I worry sometimes that I am wasting as I sit here typing. I enjoy writing these posts, and since somebody is reading them I like to think that it isn’t a total waste of my time.

So as I sit here this morning and contemplate the idea of time, I think about Carlos. Since he and I have been together I have felt like our time is limited. As if an invisible hourglass is ticking away. Counting down to our last moment as a couple. Since I feel this countdown pressing down upon me I like to think that I do my best to make the most out of the time God has given me with him. I am reminded daily about how short this life is. One of my very best friends’ Dad died a few days ago. He is heartbroken and I hurt for him. There isn’t much you can do when someone loses a loved one except be there for them. If I could I would fly down and help him during all this time. He is making all the plans and getting everything ready. I can’t imagine how hard that is. I just continue to pray for him, for peace, for a good memory to remember all of the amazing things that he had with his Dad.

Since death is the only thing that is certain in this life I say love someone today. Feel the outpouring of God’s love as he loves you as you love others. It is a wonderful cycle. To my friend who lost his Dad. I am thinking of you, praying for you, and sending hugs and love to you from far away wishing that I could do more.

Make sure the people you love know you love them. It is terrible if they don’t know because you may not always be around to share it with them.

All my love and prayers for you,
Lady X

One Sweet Day – Mariah Carey and Boys 2 Men

Sorry, I’ve never told you, all I wanted to say
And now it’s too late to hold you
‘Cause you’ve flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feelin’ and knowing you, hear me
It keeps me alive, alive

And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day
Eventually I’ll see you in Heaven

Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you’d always be there
I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day
Picture a little scene from Heaven

Although, the sun will never shine the same
I’ll always look to a brighter day
Yeah, Lord, I know, when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day

And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day

Sorry, I never told you
All I wanted to say

Time Vampires

Vampires –noun
1. a preternatural being, commonly believed to be a reanimated corpse, that is said to suck the blood of sleeping persons at night.
2. (in Eastern European folklore) a corpse, animated by an undeparted soul or demon, that periodically leaves the grave and disturbs the living, until it is exhumed and impaled or burned.
3. a person who preys ruthlessly upon others; extortionist.

I am a victim of time vampires. I wish that I could say that I didn’t invite them in (since your not supposed to) but I not only let them in, but I bare my neck and ask them seductively to suck all my available time out of me. (how is that for a naughty visual? And don’t tell me you haven’t had a vampire fantasy)

It is so easy to get sucked (forgive the pun) into doing things not on your list of things to accomplish. Another problem is that procrastination is one of my favorite time vampires. I love doing something totally opposite of what I should be doing. I am proud to say that today isn’t one of those days. But I can’t say for tomorrow.

Example of time vampires:

Relatives:

Family is a huge time vampire. Because they are your family and you want to help them. (Unless you hate them in which case good for you having one less thing to senselessly suck your time away)I love being helpful, but I promise that helping family is one of those things that will steal time away that you had for something else productive, like a nap, or getting drunk. You never know what you would have done with that time if you still had it!

Your Job:

I have to put this in here since I work from home. I am sure that a “real” job as my sister and mom put it, would steal lots of my time. Since I have no desire to have a boss vampire suck away my daily nap I will have to take other peoples words when it comes to reporting to another demanding individual that controls my paycheck. My bosses are currently loving friends of mine, and as disorganized as me. Works out well.

Your kids:

This breed of time vampire you signed up for whether on purpose or on accident. I expect my kids to take up at least 80% of my day since my youngest is 2. Now that being said this is one of the time vampires that is worth the most. They give back 10 fold in love and drama. But I say be grateful. Their drama is way smaller than that of any of your time sucking friends.

Your friends:

Some people should never get on the phone at all. This statement is true for most woman. We shouldn’t be allowed on the phone. Not with another girl and definetly not with a man! Get a woman on the phone with man that is chatty. The world stops, and the talking can go on forever. As any one of my guy friends. They stay off the phone with me because I am so awesome, they don’t want to get back off. They want to hear me chat it up all day. This is the honest truth. I am funny and interesting and while that sounds terribly arrogant (I am a little arrogant) it is true and it draws them into long conversations that are related to next to nothing at all. What is worse about getting on the phone with me? Well now I am vampire sucking away all your phone minutes too. Take that small cell bill!!

Spouses and Exes:

Boy is this one of the huge ones! So you are in a committed long term relationship, married, attached, its complicated, whatever facebook title you would like to stick on your relationship. Relationships are high maintenance and they require loads of your time. Sometimes more so then kids. And GOD forbid your significant other believes you spreading your love and attention to your kids, friends, family or work. You will get loads of crap for it. What’s worse, if they go on the tirade of you not paying enough attention before you do, you now cannot retort with it back without sounding like a copycat. So if you find yourself fighting with your “love” make sure you bring up the “you don’t spend enough time with me” first. Cause it is all down hill from there and you don’t want to be on the bottom. Worse than the person who loves you and wants your time is an Ex. These wonderful individuals want to steal your time when you wish they would just fall off the planet. These people seem to always call when you are with someone you actually like, and then they talk and talk until you just wish your phone would die or you die for that matter. (Has anyone seen my belt? The door knob is looking good)

Drama:

The worst and most destructive of all time vampires. Drama. (enter creepy foreboding music here) This is something that can come from any of the above. Not only does this suck up actual time, but ones the physical part is done, you are now left with the residual emotional vampire sucking the energy and life out of you all day. This interfears with all of the vampires above, and it even affects how you take care of you. The one person that if you don’t take care of it causes others to suffer too. (unless you are an introvert who hates people and tries to stay away from them. Kuddos)

So what can I say in closing about time vampires that is more sarcastic than above? Probably nothing. I am really sarcastic most of the time. I prefer to be that way. More fun.

To close this today, Time vampires can be good and bad. Honestly anything stressful that makes me wonder why I got out of bed is not necessarily termed bad or good. Just indifferent. I like to pretend that I am Switzerland, totally neutral. We all know that no one can be neutral. But in this case, I love certain time vampires and loathe the others. All I know is that everyday I wake up my neck is red, I crave blood, and I wonder why the sunlight is hurting my eyes. You don’t have a stake on you do you?

Suckin it up,
Lady X

Vampire Heart – HIM

You can’t escape the wrath of my heart
Beating to your funeral song (You’re so alone)
All faith is lost for hell regained
And love dust in the hands of shame (Just be brave)

Let me bleed you this song of my heart deformed
And lead you along this path in the dark
Where I belong ’till I feel your warmth

Hold me
Like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me
Like you love the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart

I’ll be the thorns on every rose
You’ve been sent by hope (You’ll grow cold)
I am the nightmare waking you up
From the dream of a dream of love (Just like before)

Let me weep you this poem as Heaven’s gates close
Paint you my soul, scarred and alone
Waiting for your kiss to take me back home

Hold me
Like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me
Like you love the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart

Hold me
Like you held on to life
When all fears came alive and entombed me
Love me
Like you love the sun
Scorching the blood in my vampire heart

Hold me (Like you held on to life)
Like you held on to life
(When all fears came alive and entombed me)
My vampire heart

Love me (Like you love the sun)
Like you love the sun
(Scorching the blood in my)
My vampire heart

Time Limits

Limit –noun
1. the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent, amount, continuance, procedure, etc.: the limit of his experience; the limit of vision.
2. a boundary or bound, as of a country, area, or district.

Life has a time limit. It is a tragic concept that honestly even in my 30’s now I still have trouble grasping. I am sure it is because I am still subscribed to a monthly subscription of “I hope I am invincible” magazine.

A close friend of mine’s brother died 3 years ago yesterday. I see the pain that he and his wife are suffering and I morn their loss. I feel their pain, and while I know I could never feel their pain the way they do, I hurt knowing that they lost someone that was amazing and wonderful and a huge blessing to them.

So this post is for everyone who has lost someone and is morning that loss. I send my thoughts and prayers through the internet for you and let you know that while we can’t know GOD’s plan and we can selfishly beg for him to let our sick and pained loved ones stay sometimes the answer is no. And even though it feels terrible, it hurts and sometimes we don’t know how to go on, we can know that GOD is a big God, and it is one of those moments when he knows best, and we will understand someday when he takes us home.

This life is just a breath, a sigh in the wind and then it is gone. Take a moment to breath in your grief and be thankful for that breath and remember that no matter what, even if I don’t know you that I am praying that in this moment your grief is lessened. Even if it’s just for a second.

Prayers and love,

Lady X