Melancholy Feelings

I didn’t miss these. I am resting in the knowledge that this mess of emotional rollarcoaster that I have endured since I started this medication isn’t in fact me, but just a side effect of this anti depressant that has pain receptor reducing qualities that they are testing out on me for this random and currently unexplainable pain in my side.

I have spent the entire day off and on trying not to cry at random. The kids have been better tonight. It helped. As 5:30pm and the prospect of Joseph coming home and perhaps just giving me a few minutes to lay my head on his chest to decompress from this endless mess of rampant emotions, my hopes were violently dashed as I forgot that stupid Starbucks was sucking yet another hour out of my evening with him for a stupid store meeting. Bastards. I can say that in reality the part of my brain that will let me access logic tells me, well no big deal. He will be home by 7pm, and then the kids will go to bed and you can nerd out with your sweetie. The roller coaster I am on is like, down hill slope, falling rapidly, feeling defeated and sad to have to wait longer. Ick I hate this! 

I feel like a person that isn’t depressed getting anti depressants, no matter the reason, is bound to start feeling a little crazy. I am not digging this up and down thing.  I have been praying for relief, and I know that his grace is sufficient for me. I just wonder if I just need to learn to deal with it and not bother trying to figure it out. I feel like if it was something scary there would be something noticeable in my tests or scans. 

I think that a hot bath with bubbles is in order. Perhaps the heat can restore a semblance of sanity to the brain I feel like I no longer own.  There is far too much drama in my world right now to deal with uncontrollable female emotions that I am unaccustomed to having to deal with. Crying at random, not my thing. I assure you that none of this stems from some weird deep seated pain. I was at work when the espresso machine pulled shots too short and I nearly broke down into tears. Coffee is certainly not worth fretting about. As my old shift supervisor told when I was new, “It’s just coffee.”

I feel like the monster who was freaking out in Monsters Inc and the other monster slaps him and is all,

“Keep it together man!”

Someone come and slap me. Maybe that will get rid of this senseless emotional crap that is rendering me a sobbing wreck in front of emotional pictures. Sigh. 

So much for a peaceful week with the kids back from their crazy dads. Oh well. Time to relax, take a deep breath, and just be grateful even in the midst of the crazy that is overwhelming me. 

I am truly a big mess this week. A hot Texas mess. Oh well. Time to shake it off. 

I hope that every single one of you is doing well. If not, message me. Certainly I have some encouragement in here somewhere just for you.

 

Love,

Lady X

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Craziness

Life is crazy. 

I ran into one of my bridesmaids while working my drive thru at Starbucks. Her name is Cat, and she is awesome. I don’t know her anymore but I am hoping to fix that. Funny thing is, we are both divorced now. I find it so interesting the way life goes. I also ran into my doula from Aimee (my middle kiddo) in my drive thru. I have run into old photography clients as well. Starbucks, bringing people back together one cup of coffee at a time.  This story is pretty boring, but I just wanted to say one thing.

Even if you haven’t seen someone in a long time, who knows. You may run into them at Starbucks. Maybe you should go get a cup of coffee right now.

 

All My Love

Lady X

Work Rant

I was awoke this morning from a text message from a coworker that I messed up the milk order. Brilliant. This falls in line with all of my other failures this last week while I am in training for my promotion to be a shift supervisor at Starbucks.

I want so much to be good at my job. And getting a promotion at Starbucks to shift supervisor was great. The raise was nice. More than I expected and the boss that drove me crazy is gone replaced my a female ginger that I really like.

But my coworker who got promoted at the same time with me is making it hard to not hate him. And that sucks, cause before the promotion I mostly liked him.

Now he wants to point out every time I get something wrong. And it is driving me crazy.  I get it, it is possible that he will be better at this in the beginning than me because he is naturally an asshole. But I just really am not going to put up with him doing this to me constantly. I really am going to give him one more week of this and if he keeps it up I will tell him, then I will tell my boss. I don’t want to hate my job because the person I thought was a friend has decided it is fun to pick on me for all of my short comings.

It is making me hate working with him and it is making me even more self conscious about my job. It is hard to make the transition into being a boss, now I have to do it with a parrot on my shoulder telling me all of the things I do wrong.

Awesome. What a great morning this has turned out to be.

 

Maybe I will get lucky and my coworker will fail miserably somewhere today and I can hear about it later. I know that is petty but at this moment I don’t care.

MIA

Well bloggers, I am deeply sorry to have been gone so long. My iPad being missing hinders my writing greatly. It was its intended purpose to be my writing tool and I exercised it well while I had it. Now I have to write at my desktop and it just isn’t the same.

So for now small tidbits when I manage it is what you will get.

So the low down on whats going on.

Work:

Well I am getting ready for some coffee ambassador stuff for Starbucks so that is exciting. This is my last weekend to myself before every weekend is taken up in part for that project. I am excited to be a part of it and when I know more you will too. Pictures even!

Kids:

Well fighting with my ex seems to be all I can do if I talk to him on the phone so avoiding talking is the best idea. I keep hoping he will give up completely on being a dad. He isn’t that great at it every other weekend and he doesn’t take them anymore in the middle of the week like normal visitation. Why can’t he just give it up all together so I don’t have to play damage control over what happens at dads everytime the kids come back? This issue continues to be a problem but with not much to do about it right now I just have to deal.

He also swears he lost my old boudoir that I told him he needed to give me. Sure you did. Guys totally lose naked pictures. Right…..

The good thing is that the kids are starting to notice on their own about all that noise. The good news of the month? Both older kids are doing great in school (minus the sick 3 days we have had with asthma drama) and my youngest is starting to work towards sleeping in her tiny toddler bed that is next to mine. I love her but she needs to go! She takes up more room than a grown ass adult!

Love:

This aspect now includes the girls. My heart bursts at the thought. This coming weekend will be the third weekend in a row and more to come with Joe always here with me. I miss him during the week when he goes home. He does so well with the girls. And they just geek out over his minecraft knowledge and all the geeky things he can help them with. He and my oldest worked hard building while I was past out Saturday night. We had what just felt like an amazing family weekend. I made dinner and breakfast and we hung out with my crazy family and he worked on his homework, he used my belly as scratch paper for his trig homework. We just did every day normal crap and it was so great. So NORMAL. Just perfect.

This past weekend on Sunday when it was time for him to go home the conversation went down like this:

Me: I hate this part. (insert pouty face here)

Joe: I know babe. Come lay with me.

So I go lay with him, he buries his face in my neck.

Joe: Believe me I am going to miss you so much. (I burst inside just to relive this moment)

Me: I miss you now

We just lay there in the quiet.

Joe: I don’t want to go home.

Me: I don’t want you to

And he stays. I snuggle up to his back and just inhale all that smell that is him and peace floods over me.

I tell him all the time that I love having him in my space.

Pictures:

So two weeks ago I did my boudoir portrait session. I threw a few pics on here. It was the best time. I felt the most sexy ever. Spent the majority of the time just a bit tipsy and I am already planning the next one. I see a steampunk and a burlesque one in my future. Those will take time to plan but I am excited just at the prospect.

With my last super free weekend coming up I am going to laze around, read, maybe write, possibly draw a little, and watch my honey study and maybe even work on our little minecraft world. I have to be without my girls for the weekend and for that I am sad. I miss them terribly when they are with Dad, but I know that they need that, even if it isn’t the greatest time for them, at least maybe in time they can understand better why I didn’t stay.

Future:

No idea peeps. I just really want to play in my art, spend time with my loved ones, love unabashedly and without restraint (well maybe rope or scarves but that is a bit different) and I want to share with others all the love that feels like it is over flowing out of me in waves.

I am tired, over worked, under paid, totally broke, but I am blessed by God with gorgeous girls, the most amazing love of my life, a family who is crazy but loves me and helps me in ways most wouldn’t and I am a beautiful Daughter of God.

Who could have it better than me? I think no one.

Sorry so long all I just miss you so much!

Love Always,

Lady X

5 o’clock in the morning

I just took a great nap. I feel pretty good. I am listening to that song in the above mentioned title. It’s the song I think of everytime I am awake at this time. And since I have spotify I can listen to it because I was just thinking I really wanted to hear it.

The only problem with this nap is I have a lot to do today. I want to try to get my hair done, then I need to grab a few groceries, though Carlos picked up some so he saved me a trip and the use of my credit card.

Continuing forward with my random post, had a great night at work. Lost power at the Bucks for an hour yesterday. It was very interesting. We sent one of our baristas home early but then wished we had just sent her on lunch. But it was good. We worked it, closed it down and then just chilled out outside letting the wind blow our words around while we just chit chatted about how things were when we were younger. Being 31 means I can use sentences like, “when I was a kid” and get away with it.

Sometimes you just need a few minutes of the past.

So as I figure out what I am going to actually do with this fantastic day, I bid you all adeui.

So here are the lyrics to that song. Enjoy your morning my bloggers. I hope you are getting some 5am action. I am lying in a bed filled with too many yippy dogs, a toddler and just me. maybe I’ll just stay up. I’m sure I can get way more done that way. We will see. Too much to do. Too much too do.

All my love always bloggers,
Lady X

[Lily Allen:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there (uh)
Until I heard you come up the stairs (uhh)
And I pretended I was sleeping (uhh)
And I was hoping…

[T-Pain:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning, and I want ya
And you want me, don’t ya?
I can see it
Cause you’ve been waiting on me since
I said that I was hittin’ the club
Something coming up on me
And I know you be getting so horny
Cause you be sending me texts saying
Like boy just get your ass up in that car
And come get all of this love

(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)
You ain’t got to remind me
She already said if I don’t come home on time
She might go crazy
And she’ll be waiting on me naked
With one of my chains on
She might come and find me (oh oh oh)
And then ask me kindly
Do I want her to go crazy?
We do this every night
And then we always wake up singing the same song

[Hook: Lily Allen]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning (yeah)
Conversation got boring (talk to me girl)
You said you’re going to bed soon (let’s go)
So I snuck off to your bedroom (come on)
And I thought I’d just wait there (wait on me)
Until I heard you come up the stairs (I won’t let you stay lonely)
And I pretended I was sleeping (alright)
And I was hoping you would creep in (goodnight)

[Hook 2: T-Pain]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in

[T-Pain:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
And you calling
And these females got me stalling
I can hear your voice in my head like
“What is he doing? Oh, what is he doing?”
Cause I keep checking my cell phone
And these missed calls
You texting me like I’m a kill y’all
If you don’t get your ass up out of that club
And do you know what time it is?

(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)
Oh, oh my bad, girl
And this Nuvo got me trippin’
And I know that you mad, girl
But you ain’t got to worry about nothing
Girl I got you, girl I got you
She might come and find me, and then ask me kindly
Do I want her to go crazy?
We do this every night and then
We always wake up singing the same song

[Hook: Lily Allen]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning (yeah)
Conversation got boring (talk to me girl)
You said you’re going to bed soon (let’s go)
So I snuck off to your bedroom (come on)
And I thought I’d just wait there (wait on me)
Until I heard you come up the stairs (I won’t let you stay lonely)
And I pretended I was sleeping (alright)
And I was hoping you would creep in (baby girl goodnight)

[Hook 2: T-Pain]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in

(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)

[Wiz Khalifa:]
You ain’t got nothing on
But the t-shirt that I left over your house
The last time I came and put it on ya
Too many thirsty girls up in this club for me to
Leave here with one of them
That’s why I call her
And you’ll be right at home waiting for me
Iphone plugged in the wall, just waiting for me
Club closed at 6, left around 4:30
Yeah so by the time I’m at your crib…
(It’s 5 o’clock in the morning)
And you yawning, but I’ve been drinking all night and I feel like performing
With you in the bedroom
Floor to the dresser
Don’t want nothing less cause I’m sure you’re the best
You’re the one, so I let you
That’s how you show me love
And when we finish you like “Damn, babe you woke me up”
I love the way you put it down like it’s for both of us
The sun ain’t the only thing that’s coming up

[Hook:]
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning
Conversation got boring
You said you’re going to bed soon
So I snuck off to your bedroom
And I thought I’d just wait there
Until I heard you come up the stairs
And I pretended I was sleeping
And I was hoping you would creep in
It’s 5 o’clock in the morning

Work work work

Work is work, but I am glad I can sit here and type of an extra post for today since I feelk like I got cheated out of a post yesterday. It has been kind of a weird day, with the X husband sending me old pics, and then a pic of him (clothed of course) and then him calling me on my lunch break to ask me about our kids pregnancies and births for his journal I already feel like I have had more than I really wanted to spend talking to him today. Granted none of it was bad, I just wish sometimes that I could continue my week of blissful ignorance of pretending that he only exists when I have to see him. The rest of the time I pretend he isn’t an issue. Ignorance is bliss people and I will abuse that as long as I can.

As for work, work is great. It is always a perfect distraction for things in this life. Greeting and making customers happy really does help me feel energized and better about the day. At least in a small way when I feel like I have trouble making others happy I can always make someone happy at work by knowing their drink or knowing their name. Starbucks is an interesting place to work and since I love doting on others and being doted upon it is a great place for me to be.

I feel superficial today. I was thinking of how cute I am with my new tattoo and how adorable I am in my fake glasses and while there are other things that I think are negative that I could dwell on, I won’t. Why not just swell in the world that God gave me, look on it and the things that he created and know they are all beautiful. So if you didn’t know, you are beautiful, and loved and even though I don’t know you, I love you. So be comforted by that.

As I listen to Rumer, and enjoy the old 70’s feel of it, enjoy the melancholy feeling rolling over me because that is who I am and I am comfortable in that, I am glad, grateful, and happy to be me. As my tattoo says on my arm, I wouldn’t want to be anybody else. Love someone today, because as Dave Matthews says, everyday should be a good day to die.

With all my love and all my hugs,
Lady X