Sadness

My heart aches for OK tonight. The loss of so many lives in something so tragic as a tornado. The loss of child life touches my deeply. I want to hug each mommy and daddy and tell them I am so so sorry. Tell them that God has a plan even though in that moment I am sure it sounds like crap. No one can imagine the pain you suffer at losing a child. I have had 3 miscarriages. 6 pregnancies and 3 live children. And I can’t even imagine the loss of a child that you have guided, hugged, kissed, tucked into bed, heard say I love you mommy, I love you daddy. All loss is tragic, this loss brings me to tears and makes me ache inside. I can’t imagine how these parents feel.

Take a moment and pray, send happy thoughts, send money via red cross. Recognize that these people have been tragically effected by these storms. Send them some loves. And Hug your babies. No matter how old they are. Think about the parents in Oklahoma tonight who in a matter in 40 minutes time (the life cycle) and the worst of it (about 15 minutes) took the lives of their children and their loved ones that they will never hug again. Spend a moment in gratitude and thankfulness for what you have. And send them prayer that they can make it through this time where they learn to deal with never hugging their children or their husband or their wife or mom or sister or brother or father ever again.

Life is lived in seconds. It is lost in seconds, and it can be taken away from you in an instant.

All my love always,

Lady X

Advertisements

Another Day

Another –adjective
1. being one more or more of the same; further; additional: another piece of cake.
2. different; distinct; of a different period, place, or kind: at another time; another man.
3. very similar to; of the same kind or category as: What we need today is another thomas jefferson.

When you lose a friend at the beginning it isn’t so bad. You are sad, you think of how you wish you could have done something that wouldn’t have resulted in such a tragic ending, (depending on how your friendship ended maybe it was tragic).

I recently lost a friend. No they didn’t die. I still actually know “where they are” so don’t feel led to contact the authorities.  For the sake of this blog we will call him Carlos. Carlos is the best friend ever. He listens, hes always there for you. You love him to pieces. Carlos was married to for the sake of the blog we will call her the wicked witch of the west. Or W for short. She wishes she was still married to Carlos, turns out having a baby with another man while married sends the current husband packing his bags.   I am not pointing cheating fingers, since I have my own checkered past and I am not interested in perching myself (currently) on the soap box of hypocrisy.  Everyone makes mistakes, and she married someone else so technically she kinda needs to live with hers.

She doesn’t like Carlos being my friend. Turns out, me and Carlos liked being friends, and then we liked being more than friends. I even contemplated a serious future with Carlos. Who doesn’t want a man that knows all of your emotional buttons as well as other buttons (wink).  So what happened you asked that you started off talking about losing friends?  Well I am so glad that you virtually asked.

At the tender beginnings of something more with Carlos, W found out something was going on. She confronted Carlos, only he wasn’t ready to tell. So he lied. Said we were just friends. So I told Carlos that was all we could be. Just friends. I have already done my fair share of secret keeping, I really don’t want any part of that. Well turns out he and I are not good at being just friends. And into another set of lets see if we can work this out, he decides that he can’t do it. He just isn’t ready to do something like this and he wants to get his life in order and get things with GOD back to the way they need to be. I am not a selfish person. So I say ok, this time though we are going to have to call it all quits till it is a better time for both of us.  It is obvious that we can’t just be friends. He agrees. Then sends me little messages asking me little adorable stupid questions for close to 3 weeks, then we talk on the phone, go see a band together.  And what happens? Well now we are just seeing what happens. See what comes of us and out attempting to be together thing.  This is where trouble happens.

First off, this is one of the few men on the planet who knows where my buttons are. I say few because the list of men who have had any access to my buttons is 3. So really, there could be loads! I just have no energy to be a slut so I stick with what I know.

So W finds out that we are talking again.  Yay! I love when news gets out.  Now this time I wasn’t a secret, I was just an omission since technically it isn’t her business what he does anyway right? So she finds out through her nosy friend who was supposed to be my friend but apparently has no loyalty when it comes to keeping a confidence. So now I am hearing about how she says if I ever go near her kids she will kill me. Oh great, its time to deal with the crazy. BTW, I hadn’t even seen her kids since last year and had no contact with them for any other reason. So why the death threat? Not sure. I can’t explain why other people are crazy, just why I am.

The crazy gets worse. I had blocked her facebook after she unfriended me during unhappy at my talking to her X the first time. So she sends me a text asking if I blocked her. Ok, I’ll bite. Yes I blocked you. Since you unfriended me. She went on to call me all sorts of wonderful things.  She told me to end things, that there was no future for us. Well I rebuffed all of these things. I said that I loved him,  and why couldn’t we have a future. This is the kicker. The thing that just wrecked it for me. She said that she would use his kids, and group up with my X so that they could make my life hell for as long as they could so I could never be happy. That he can be happy just never with me. Wow. What a giant selfish bitch. It must be awesome to be so full of self righteous bull shit.  On any other time in my life I might have been ready to fight the evil wicked witch of the west, and secretly I keep praying someone will come along and dump some water on the bitch and melt her. But instead I spend my day in the quiet contemplation of getting ready to break things off. For good this time. Honestly I can only handle so much stress and the upcoming divorce from me and my separated spouse along with all of the drama that an entire gaggle of children can throw at me.  Adding the fun of the crazy X is not in my plans. Nor do I believe that I can handle it. The proof is here in the next action that W decided to  make.

A restraining order.  On ME! This is laughable since I am the most harmless person in the world. I can’t take being called loads of names and then being told that I get to have a restraining order placed against me because I am a danger to others.  That really was the last straw for me. I hate having my name tarnished.

I sent off the email that I would stop talking to him, that I wouldn’t call or text or write. I don’t want to be the reason that anyone gets their kids held against them. I would have hated knowing that I had done that to someone I love. I am a lover, not a fighter. And I can’t fight the crazy battles that W was going to push my way. I told Carlos goodbye.

It was hard for me. Since I feel I loved having him as a part of my day, even if it was just a text or a call. He knew how to talk to me, how to soothe the crazy when my own crazy emerged. And it was nice feeling like I was part of something special. But all the love in the world doesn’t help when I would have to worry about my own kids danger when the crazy W comes calling. You know I would have done a lot, put up with a lot, to be happy and in love. But I won’t endanger my kids, and I won’t risk someone being punished because they either know me or “know me”.

I am sad that my goodbye was so short. I didn’t get the mushy movie goodbye that I would have prefered.

So my fake goodbye is here. All of the things I would have said if I had the chance. I know he won’t see it, but I am happy to have it out.

Dear Carlos,

I am so sorry for the way I ended things. Even though we can’t be friends in real life, you will always be my friend in my heart. I am so sorry that I am not strong enough to deal with W. She is out of her crazy mind and I hope someday you find a woman who can rival that crazy and give W one hell of a run for her money.

I love you. I am sorry that love as usual just can’t be enough. It is just sooooo much right now. I could never manage it all. I know you understand. It is in your nature to be so understanding and so wonderful that it pains me to know how gone that is from me now. I really needed it yesterday. A swift kick in the ass would have been great for my wallowing about Dick.  I kicked myself just in case you wondered.

I am sorry that I don’t get to say Happy Birthday, or give you a birthday kiss.  Or even a birthday hug. I am thinking of you though. So at least that is something.  I loved how you always cheered me up, even when I was dead set on staying grouchy. I hope that GOD sends you an amazing woman I pray you promise to do the same for her. You deserve it more than anyone else.  I can hear what you say to that. So do I. I know. But you have been in the prison of W longer than I was in my own prison. I want you to have that love and wonder that was so brief to you and I. In glorious abundance.

I will always think of you, and I will always want you to be happy no matter what.   I am sorry that it couldn’t be me to make you happy. I am sorry that there are so many crazy factors in our lives right now that prevent anything good from coming from the wonderful crazy outburst of W.

The future is not ours to see. I will delight in what the Lord offers me. I will look upon the things that I did, ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that I have done, and I will move on to find out what this life has for me now that I am free to look upon it in wonder and awe.

Please think of me often and please attach none of this drama to it. I don’t want you to ever have that in your mind when you think of me. Think of the time we had a the most wonderful moment, and that it was amazing, and I will personally cherish it forever and a day.  You deserved a proper goodbye.

Always,

Lady X

Already Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
 I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone, Oooo, oh
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone…

The First Night

First –noun
10. the person or thing that is first in time, order, rank, etc.
11. the beginning.
12. the first part; first member of a series.

I left my husband on the 1st of the year. I thought it was poetic to start my life over with my kids on the 1st of 2011. After what an epic fail 2010 was I really wanted to feel like I was going to do something memorable and wonderful with 2011. So my memorable act would be me, the quiet and meek lady that I am “showing my children how to be quitters” (words from my X) by quitting my marriage of 9 years and putting my big girl panties on and leaving. Now I am just hunting for something wonderful to do and I want to make sure that I do it with my kids.

So when I told my kids that we were moving out and that Daddy wasn’t coming with us they were unfazed. Is this the moment when I should be concerned? Does this just tell anyone who reads this that they were happy to not see their parents hating on each other day to day? You the reader may puzzle this out on your own.

The week before we moved out I told their dad. Get ready for this. He was shocked! I know what you are thinking. Of course he was shocked, you just told him you were leaving in a week! That isn’t much time at all. Well can I say that in the 3 months previous to that he had told me at least 3 times that I should get a job so that I could make our savings last longer (he’s disabled and doesn’t work and has no intention of trying to either) and that if I didn’t like it here I should just get my own place. So he actually told me to leave.  Not only that but when I asked him about it he told me that it was a test (him asking me to leave) and that I failed by getting my own place. Wow, what a stupid test. How did that blow up in your face?

Now my oldest is 7, and the younger ones are 5 and 2. So I know that honestly they are too young to understand much.  I didn’t want this to seem like a big deal. I don’t hate on my kid’s dad to them. I try to even puff up his image when he is being a selfish ass. I wanted this to be a simple move, that was predicated on me not wanting to fight anymore. So I took them to see the apartment the day before we were to move in. They were very excited to say the least. I was glad of that. And of course their dad was very unhappy about the move. He even asked if we would stay home one more night so that he could make it memorable before we left.

Well I said no. I never say no by the way. I spent years being the yes lady. So finally saying no felt good.

I am sure after reading all of this drama and then reading the title you are wondering what the purpose of this post was. Well here it is.

Our first night in our tiny apartment was great. My 2 oldest kids have suffered night terrors for years. And since moving out, leaving behind the stress of the unhappy fighting and tense environment my kids slept all night. No nightmares, no night terrors. So while occasionally I feel guilty for taking away his kids, for being a quitter, for not finding a way to make it work, and for creating a situation of drama with the whole separated, divorce on the way, and of course the visitation scheduling. I can say with good conscience that I know what I did was for the best because it is reflected in how much better my kids are doing. That my peeps is the only confirmation that I need that I did what was best.

Always,

Lady X