Be Loved

I feel blessed.

I look back at the Facebook feed and wonder how I got this far. My girls are growing so fast, and each day I have the chance to be my husband’s wife. I literally don’t need anything else. I know there are people on this planet striving for greatness. The recognition of being in front of people and having them applaud your hard work is great. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I truly only ever wanted to be a mom. (The wife thing was second but it sure has been amazing now)

Life didn’t go exactly the way that I wanted to go. I got married and had 3 girls with the wrong guy. I stayed with the wrong guy for 14 years. I fell in love while married, with one of my best friends, and then he found a real girl. He let me go the day before my 30th birthday and I struggled to find my way. (I still haven’t seen that friend in 20 years now BTW) Once I found my way, I picked my girls up and moved out on my own.

I lost my ability to do what I wanted, which was to be a stay at home mom. I longed to be with my kids every day. But that was taken from me. I fell in love again with a friend who stuck by me through all the crazy, but then had to let that go when it just was too overwhelming and not what was in God’s plan.

Mistakes and mistakes later (that sounds like a lot but really much less than you think) I found Joseph. My love. The person who helps support and feed my soul.

Why did I break all of this down for you? Because I don’t know where you are in your journey in this life. Maybe you lost the love of your life and you don’t know what to do?

Maybe you have lost your job, or maybe something that I can’t even imagine. But I know that you can recover. How do I know?

Through emotional abuse, drug induced rape, drama, trauma, and problems. I made it through. I know you can to.

Today’s message for you is, you are loved. No matter where you are. Broken and battered. You can recover. If you need permission to do so then here it is. Move past the hurt of yesterday. Move past the part of you that is lingering in the past and the problems of everyday. You are bigger than that. Created to be so much more than just Life’s pinata.

I believe in you

You have value

You are Worth it

I found love and life in the most unsuspecting place. Starbucks. Now nearly 4 years of marriage and almost 6 years since he first kissed me (February of 2018) I am so grateful for every failed moment. Every bad experience. It got me here. To this place of happy.

Don’t get me wrong, things are not perfect. I have bad days, or weeks, I find my self stuck in the occasional rut where I feel it all falling apart around me. But I remember that my God is bigger than my drama. That I can make it if I push past the feelings of this moment.

If you need a cheerleader, please reach out to me. No one has to make this journey alone.

 

Always Me,

Tiarra

 

 

 

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Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

Happy Father’s Day

Dear Terry,

I write this to you even though you are long gone from this earth. I don’t know if you heart belonged to Jesus, so I truly can’t say if we will ever see each other again.

I want you to know that I am grateful for you. Every negative thing you said to me was a lesson. I have learned never to treat people the way that you treated me. I learned to say I love you to my children and to show them grace.

Despite your lack of care in regards to my existence, I have forgiven you. It is not for me, to hold a grudge against you for what happened. I am sure what you learned as a young man when I was born scared you. Running away can be considered a normal reaction. I forgive you for not writing me when I was a little girl. I forgive you for not having time for me when I was 12. I forgive you for choosing your new family instead of adding me to the mix. I forgive you for telling me I should have never been conceived when I was 15 years old. I forgive you for being drunk and on drugs when I needed you to be sober and present. I forgive you for how you treated my mom and how you treated us girls.

What’s more I forgive you for finally apologizing to me when you got sick, but never telling me that you were dying till it was too late. My girls have no biological grandparents (other than my amazing mom) that care, or spend time with them. So I forgive you for not giving me the chance to introduce them to you when you had finally tried to make peace.

I always wanted to have a Dad that would look out for me and take care of me. I realized that maybe that just wasn’t God’s plan. Maybe my lack of a good Dad led me to where I am now. Perhaps had you been a good dad I would have never met my daughters father and made the bad choice to marry him. Maybe I would have made better choices. Those choices might mean I wouldn’t have my girl. Those choices might mean that I wouldn’t have my Joseph.

So I want to thank you. Thank you for failing me. Thank you for not taking responsibility for me. Thank you for every insecurity that you gave me. Without every one of those lessons, I may not be standing here, with the love of my life, and my beautiful girls.

Thank you.

 

_________________

This life is so short. I want to let go of the things that I can’t control. I can’t control how someone treated me years ago, and I sure can’t make someone who has long since died, make up for it. For myself, this year, I give myself the gift of forgiveness. Of letting go.

Happy Father’s Day, Terry, wherever your soul resides. May we both be at peace.

 

Selfish

I am selfish.

I hope this doesn’t surprise you. I have said on many occasions that I hate sharing my children with my ex. I continue to believe that a child deserves the best a parent can offer. He is losing his girls right before my eyes. I will not intervene. And I have warned him. But that is another post. The sharing thing is just one example of how I am selfish.

The other example is Joseph. I am terribly selfish. And lucky. That he understands and responds in kind the way I need him to.

See, Joseph is working on his degree. He has a degree in Audio Engineering. He used to work for Funimation. A huge company that produces a lot of Anime for this side of the world. Translating it. He even did voice overs as well as sound. His name appears in the credits of many things. He, however, decided that he wanted to do something that would keep him near his family. So he went back to school for Software Engineering. (I am going somewhere with this so bear with me)

Joseph, when we were dating, worked at Starbucks, as well as went to school. At the time that worked. For a while I was worried what would happen when the harder classes came up, and he would have to stop working. What would that be like? Would I be okay with that? Him not working. I grew up thinking that a man wasn’t worth much if he wasn’t working. So when the time came for him to stop working and focus on school, he had saved up a lot, and we lived off that savings and my income. That was fine. What happened next surprised me. I became accustomed to having him home with me. He went to school after the girls were off to school and then he would come home. We would spend the evenings as a family.

This spoiled me. Joseph and I have the same love languages. Touch and quality time. For me they go in that order, and I can tell you with almost certainty that his do as well. This makes for an amazingly easy relationship. It also makes for a high maintenance one. We require a lot of each other. A lot. I wish that I could say this bigger. We miss each other when we leave to do our daily things. We don’t leave the house without kissing the other goodbye. I wake him, every morning, at 4:18 am, to kiss him, say I love you and tell him that I will see him soon.

So last year, when summer came, he got a job. He did valet at the Gaylord for Park Place. He did valet in the past and he is good at it. So he was hired and we worked opposing shifts so that our girls are always covered. We work hard to keep them out of the hands of strangers.

I hated it. It was terrible. I slept alone till the middle of the night, he worked all my days off, and I was miserable. It wasn’t worth it. When it was finally over, and he went back to school I was relieved. Our time together was restored. We both recharge each other, and I was so drained. The quality time was taken away. Instead, stress and loneliness filled the space. He and I were too tired to spend time that was quality together, and the girls missed their evenings with him.

I vowed that when summer came this year, and the time for him to find a summer job was upon us that I would say no. I told him that I would not share him again. Money is just money. I don’t value things. I value people. He is my person. That special person that I swear GOD created just for me and my girls. He completes our family. I know that people make sacrifices to live a more easy life when it comes to money and finances. But I would rather be careful, and frugal, and skip this movie, and that time to go out or money on some hallmark holiday and instead save that so that we have more hours together as a family. This time we have with our girls is so short. We want to be there for them in each moment. So when people ask me if Joseph is going to work over the summer so we can save more, I say no. I would rather lose out on some trinket, and spend time together with my husband and our daughters, than miss hours with him for memories that are better made at home.

Together we grow and we work hard. He works hard educating himself so that he can be our provider. I work hard to see him succeed and to give our family a strong life and a strong sense of how important family is.

I need him by my side through all the little things. When our girls are all grown up, we will realize that all of those small things were really big things, and I will be glad that I sacrificed material things for family time that was so much more important than anything that money can by.

Together we are a team, and we are teaching our girls that even if you do things late in life and you don’t figure it all out when you are young, you can still have a bright, successful future if you believe and you work hard.

I will always be selfish for family time. For my girls, for my husband and even for me. We deserve that. Who can argue with that?

Always,

Just me.

The fight against Futility

nounplural futilities for 2, 3.

1.

the quality of being futileineffectiveness;uselessness.

2.

a trifle or frivolity:

the large collection of futilities that clutter ourminds.

3.

afutileact or event.
I am struggling. Perhaps we will say today has been a struggle. I think that the good days for sure outnumber the ones where I feel I am fighting the tide. I have realized the error in my ways. The reasons that I am struggling. I have spent far too long on my want here. What I want. What I think I need. What I long for. I am fighting against the futility of what I want when it obviously isn’t God’s plan right now.
Today, after sitting in my car, fighting back tears of jealousy as yet another of my friends is having a baby. I decided something. She is my friend, and I love her. I truly want nothing but the best and healthiest of pregnancies and babies. I stopped thinking about me. I prayed for her. For health, for a sticky baby that stays where it belongs till it is time for it to be born. Then I thought about my other friends. I prayed for them too. I prayed for my selfishness to fade away. For it to be replaced by the love for others, the need to help them. No matter what the cause, what they need. To find a way to fill it. To bring light and positivity to everyone that I come in contact with. This world isn’t about me. Or what I want. It is about what I can do for others to bring life and light and Christ into their lives. To show them that you can love and be loved and show what God intended for us to share. Love. Not judgement, not hate, not selfishness. But love. Just love. His greatest commandment. I spend so much time all too absorbed lately in what I want. ‘
No more.
No more.
No more.
I will say it and it will stick with me. I am a child of God and I am full of love to give and I will spread it around and I will shower people who need it and even those who don’t.
What did I learn today? That I am able to fall short, that I can make mistakes, that I don’t always choose the right option. I also know something that I don’t need to learn. Because I know it. God loves me no matter what. No matter my selfishness the past few months and my soul yearning baby journey. No matter my (I am sure) occasional thoughtlessness. I will not be that person. It isn’t who I am.
I don’t lack for anything that I need. God has met every need I have and overabundantly provided for me and my family. I will make sure that he is proud of what he has given me.
I take my life out of the hands of the futile struggle against my infertility. I take a long hard break from that, I will wait for God’s guidance as to whether or not we will ever find ourselves there again. I place my hands in Christ Jesus and I ask him take help me. And since I am blessed to have friends that will sharpen me, as iron sharpens iron, I will pray, I will fast, I will give, I will spend time with my girls, I will love my husband, and I will LIVE this life to the fullest, spreading love and happiness all along my way.
If God is for me, who can be against me?
All my love always,

The Empty Womb

At the prompting of my sister and husband I am taking a walk through my feelings today.

See, I am struggling with the thought of never having another baby. Not just any baby. But my sweet husband’s baby. I have always wanted four. Not sure why. When I left my ex I was sure I wouldn’t meet anyone who would want a pre made family let alone want to add to it.

Now I find myself married to the most amazing man. And for nine months now we have been trying to get pregnant. I know that isn’t that long. I know that couples can spend years trying. For my brain I just hear myself saying, “You are in your mid thirties, you are passing that point of being able to have babies. You have other fertility issues. You should be grateful for what you have.”

I am grateful, by the way. I am more than favored by God to have beautiful daughters and an amazing husband who loves them so much they might as well be his actual daughters. They are for sure his in his heart.

So lately the baby thing is constantly in my face. Both of my sisters on my fathers side were pregnant and just labor day weekend my youngest sister had a beautiful baby girl. My other sister will be having hers in a few months. I also just found out a few days ago that the severe sickness my sister in law has been dealing with is not a virus. But a baby. She is just a few weeks pregnant. They don’t know I know. But I won’t lie when I say that I cried. They didn’t want a baby yet, and she was on birth control. To say I am sad, depressed, jealous, would all be honest. I wish no one anything bad in my jealousy. Many of my close friends know what a struggle and a huge want this is for me and my husband. I guess God isn’t ready for us to have a baby, doesn’t intend for us to have one, or wants me to stop worrying about it. (That last one for sure).  I know God is delaying us finding out anything about my fertility just on the note that my voicemails to my OB last week were lost. SO the window to have the procedure that looks to see if my fallopian tubes are obstructed from scar tissue from my endometriosis can’t be done now. We will have to wait till next month or just decide not to bother at all.

I spent some time looking around the other day. I have a lot. We aren’t well off and we spend lots of time broke, but we are rich in love, in family, in time together. Not everyone has that. Lots of people don’t. I am trying to spend more time remembering that the baby thing is just a want. I am not defined by my ability to carry a child. I am not more of a woman if I can have a baby. I have proven in three beautiful girls that it can.

What my heart and my head can’t wrap around is not being able to get pregnant when the one time in my life I don’t want it to be an accident. I want to conceive with my husband. The man who has gotten up with me every hour and a half for two months while our girls were sick with a nasty cough. The man who holds me while I cry and tells me that I am enough, that he loves me. That his feelings for me are for me. They aren’t based on my ability to give him a child. To carry a little piece of him and me. I cry as I type this. The love that shown in his face while he held me as the tears coated my cheeks as I let go of my fake strength and I held onto him and let him be strong. “I love you no matter what. We have the girls, and all of this life. That is something. I would lie if I said I didn’t want to have a child with you. But it isn’t something that we have to have, and it doesn’t change us.”

I realize as I type this that he lets me be a woman. All the emotionally mushy stuff that we are. He is the one I have finally let go. I can just be me. I don’t have to be strong all the time.

The last thing that is hard for me to grasp, and every woman who has struggled with this can relate, is having the decision taken from you. I guess maybe I don’t want to know if we can, or we can’t, have a baby. Then I don’t have to admit that either of us is broken. We can leave it up to God and he can choose to bless us with a child, or bless us with the family we have. Make no mistake though, I know we are looked upon with love and favor, and I will tell myself to always remember that so that in the times when I am overwhelmed by the world that I am surrounded by that I know that I am not alone, I am loved, and I am precious. Not just in the eyes of my creator, but in the eyes of my husband and my children. None of that is defined by what I can do for them, for what I can give them. It is defined by the love that I have for them.

That is all.

I hope that the couples that have no doubt struggled with fertility issues far longer than this will understand that I don’t in anyway feel like my struggle could compare. I know that it hasn’t been that long. 6 pregnancies and only 3 girls later, I know this. Life is precious. It is why we want to protect it. When we know how we can love a child, it makes the struggle so much more.

I pray for all the couples, the families that want a child, whether their own or adopted, and I pray they find peace, resolution and love that surrounds and abounds like a warm hug when things are low. I pray they are filled up with love and peace and that someday the needs and wants of their hearts are filled.

Always,

Lady X

#1113

The keys have been turned in. The door locked behind me. The place that started my freedom. Apartment #1113. 

I am only slightly melancholy that we moved. That place was tiny, and we had outgrown the space since our family had grown from 4 ladies roughing it, to a family of five with a man of the house. 

What I want to write tonight is about what that apartment meant for me. It was the key that GOD handed me and told me to be free. Let go of the past. Let go of the rage, the hate, the abuse, that you see everyday. Just be free. Most of the people who know me, know that I hate change. I also hate to give up on things. I read an article the other day that helped me maybe let go of any failure I had left. It talked about people who are married and whether or not it was on paper, or a covenant of GOD. For me, there was no covenant. I tried very hard to make things work. 3 kids, 6 months of counseling, begging and pleading, emotionally cheating, and 14 years later, I let it go. I looked for an apartment. The doors opened, we found a place, and I got the keys. 

I found a pamphlet in my new home a week after me and my girls moved. I know that God put it there. Whether he had a friend leave it, or a family member leave it. Doesn’t matter now. Just matters that I read it. That I took a good look at the list of ways to tell you were in an abusive relationship.

I checked too many of those boxes that day. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be treated that way ever again. I would be first, I would be important. I would be chased, wanted, loved. Cared for, respected. Everything that a woman deserves. 

Saying goodbye to the old apartment was a step forward. It meant freedom for me and my girls. Our new place, it means home. We are a complete little family. I have more than I ever imagined that I deserved, more than I could have thought to ask for. I know it. I am grateful for it.  

I give everyone woman out there this little bit of hope. If you have struggles. You are in the land of the single mom. Whether you are the single mom who is married (that was most of my marriage) or the one that has ventured out and has bravely set forth to find your freedom. Be of great joy. You are amazing! You can do it! You may not find prince or princess charming. But you are a joy, an amazing creation that GOD made, and he will lead you. 

So tonight, as I get ready to put the kiddoes to bed, as I reach out to say my prayers, I pray for each of you. All of you in whatever your struggle is. Be blessed. God loves you, as a fellow human I love you. Reach out and be free. No relationship should place you in chains. 

 

All my love always,

Lady X