Be Loved

I feel blessed.

I look back at the Facebook feed and wonder how I got this far. My girls are growing so fast, and each day I have the chance to be my husband’s wife. I literally don’t need anything else. I know there are people on this planet striving for greatness. The recognition of being in front of people and having them applaud your hard work is great. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I truly only ever wanted to be a mom. (The wife thing was second but it sure has been amazing now)

Life didn’t go exactly the way that I wanted to go. I got married and had 3 girls with the wrong guy. I stayed with the wrong guy for 14 years. I fell in love while married, with one of my best friends, and then he found a real girl. He let me go the day before my 30th birthday and I struggled to find my way. (I still haven’t seen that friend in 20 years now BTW) Once I found my way, I picked my girls up and moved out on my own.

I lost my ability to do what I wanted, which was to be a stay at home mom. I longed to be with my kids every day. But that was taken from me. I fell in love again with a friend who stuck by me through all the crazy, but then had to let that go when it just was too overwhelming and not what was in God’s plan.

Mistakes and mistakes later (that sounds like a lot but really much less than you think) I found Joseph. My love. The person who helps support and feed my soul.

Why did I break all of this down for you? Because I don’t know where you are in your journey in this life. Maybe you lost the love of your life and you don’t know what to do?

Maybe you have lost your job, or maybe something that I can’t even imagine. But I know that you can recover. How do I know?

Through emotional abuse, drug induced rape, drama, trauma, and problems. I made it through. I know you can to.

Today’s message for you is, you are loved. No matter where you are. Broken and battered. You can recover. If you need permission to do so then here it is. Move past the hurt of yesterday. Move past the part of you that is lingering in the past and the problems of everyday. You are bigger than that. Created to be so much more than just Life’s pinata.

I believe in you

You have value

You are Worth it

I found love and life in the most unsuspecting place. Starbucks. Now nearly 4 years of marriage and almost 6 years since he first kissed me (February of 2018) I am so grateful for every failed moment. Every bad experience. It got me here. To this place of happy.

Don’t get me wrong, things are not perfect. I have bad days, or weeks, I find my self stuck in the occasional rut where I feel it all falling apart around me. But I remember that my God is bigger than my drama. That I can make it if I push past the feelings of this moment.

If you need a cheerleader, please reach out to me. No one has to make this journey alone.

 

Always Me,

Tiarra

 

 

 

Advertisements

Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

Selfish

I am selfish.

I hope this doesn’t surprise you. I have said on many occasions that I hate sharing my children with my ex. I continue to believe that a child deserves the best a parent can offer. He is losing his girls right before my eyes. I will not intervene. And I have warned him. But that is another post. The sharing thing is just one example of how I am selfish.

The other example is Joseph. I am terribly selfish. And lucky. That he understands and responds in kind the way I need him to.

See, Joseph is working on his degree. He has a degree in Audio Engineering. He used to work for Funimation. A huge company that produces a lot of Anime for this side of the world. Translating it. He even did voice overs as well as sound. His name appears in the credits of many things. He, however, decided that he wanted to do something that would keep him near his family. So he went back to school for Software Engineering. (I am going somewhere with this so bear with me)

Joseph, when we were dating, worked at Starbucks, as well as went to school. At the time that worked. For a while I was worried what would happen when the harder classes came up, and he would have to stop working. What would that be like? Would I be okay with that? Him not working. I grew up thinking that a man wasn’t worth much if he wasn’t working. So when the time came for him to stop working and focus on school, he had saved up a lot, and we lived off that savings and my income. That was fine. What happened next surprised me. I became accustomed to having him home with me. He went to school after the girls were off to school and then he would come home. We would spend the evenings as a family.

This spoiled me. Joseph and I have the same love languages. Touch and quality time. For me they go in that order, and I can tell you with almost certainty that his do as well. This makes for an amazingly easy relationship. It also makes for a high maintenance one. We require a lot of each other. A lot. I wish that I could say this bigger. We miss each other when we leave to do our daily things. We don’t leave the house without kissing the other goodbye. I wake him, every morning, at 4:18 am, to kiss him, say I love you and tell him that I will see him soon.

So last year, when summer came, he got a job. He did valet at the Gaylord for Park Place. He did valet in the past and he is good at it. So he was hired and we worked opposing shifts so that our girls are always covered. We work hard to keep them out of the hands of strangers.

I hated it. It was terrible. I slept alone till the middle of the night, he worked all my days off, and I was miserable. It wasn’t worth it. When it was finally over, and he went back to school I was relieved. Our time together was restored. We both recharge each other, and I was so drained. The quality time was taken away. Instead, stress and loneliness filled the space. He and I were too tired to spend time that was quality together, and the girls missed their evenings with him.

I vowed that when summer came this year, and the time for him to find a summer job was upon us that I would say no. I told him that I would not share him again. Money is just money. I don’t value things. I value people. He is my person. That special person that I swear GOD created just for me and my girls. He completes our family. I know that people make sacrifices to live a more easy life when it comes to money and finances. But I would rather be careful, and frugal, and skip this movie, and that time to go out or money on some hallmark holiday and instead save that so that we have more hours together as a family. This time we have with our girls is so short. We want to be there for them in each moment. So when people ask me if Joseph is going to work over the summer so we can save more, I say no. I would rather lose out on some trinket, and spend time together with my husband and our daughters, than miss hours with him for memories that are better made at home.

Together we grow and we work hard. He works hard educating himself so that he can be our provider. I work hard to see him succeed and to give our family a strong life and a strong sense of how important family is.

I need him by my side through all the little things. When our girls are all grown up, we will realize that all of those small things were really big things, and I will be glad that I sacrificed material things for family time that was so much more important than anything that money can by.

Together we are a team, and we are teaching our girls that even if you do things late in life and you don’t figure it all out when you are young, you can still have a bright, successful future if you believe and you work hard.

I will always be selfish for family time. For my girls, for my husband and even for me. We deserve that. Who can argue with that?

Always,

Just me.

The fight against Futility

nounplural futilities for 2, 3.

1.

the quality of being futileineffectiveness;uselessness.

2.

a trifle or frivolity:

the large collection of futilities that clutter ourminds.

3.

afutileact or event.
I am struggling. Perhaps we will say today has been a struggle. I think that the good days for sure outnumber the ones where I feel I am fighting the tide. I have realized the error in my ways. The reasons that I am struggling. I have spent far too long on my want here. What I want. What I think I need. What I long for. I am fighting against the futility of what I want when it obviously isn’t God’s plan right now.
Today, after sitting in my car, fighting back tears of jealousy as yet another of my friends is having a baby. I decided something. She is my friend, and I love her. I truly want nothing but the best and healthiest of pregnancies and babies. I stopped thinking about me. I prayed for her. For health, for a sticky baby that stays where it belongs till it is time for it to be born. Then I thought about my other friends. I prayed for them too. I prayed for my selfishness to fade away. For it to be replaced by the love for others, the need to help them. No matter what the cause, what they need. To find a way to fill it. To bring light and positivity to everyone that I come in contact with. This world isn’t about me. Or what I want. It is about what I can do for others to bring life and light and Christ into their lives. To show them that you can love and be loved and show what God intended for us to share. Love. Not judgement, not hate, not selfishness. But love. Just love. His greatest commandment. I spend so much time all too absorbed lately in what I want. ‘
No more.
No more.
No more.
I will say it and it will stick with me. I am a child of God and I am full of love to give and I will spread it around and I will shower people who need it and even those who don’t.
What did I learn today? That I am able to fall short, that I can make mistakes, that I don’t always choose the right option. I also know something that I don’t need to learn. Because I know it. God loves me no matter what. No matter my selfishness the past few months and my soul yearning baby journey. No matter my (I am sure) occasional thoughtlessness. I will not be that person. It isn’t who I am.
I don’t lack for anything that I need. God has met every need I have and overabundantly provided for me and my family. I will make sure that he is proud of what he has given me.
I take my life out of the hands of the futile struggle against my infertility. I take a long hard break from that, I will wait for God’s guidance as to whether or not we will ever find ourselves there again. I place my hands in Christ Jesus and I ask him take help me. And since I am blessed to have friends that will sharpen me, as iron sharpens iron, I will pray, I will fast, I will give, I will spend time with my girls, I will love my husband, and I will LIVE this life to the fullest, spreading love and happiness all along my way.
If God is for me, who can be against me?
All my love always,

Adversity

Adversity:

nounplural adversities for 2.
1.adverse fortune or fate; a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress:

A friend will show his or her true colors in timesof adversity.
You can only grow stronger in situations that provide you with adversity. Defined above as calamity or distress. I am taking a deep breath this morning and trying to learn from adversity.
What is affecting you so?
Well I will tell you. I still find myself working at Starbucks. 2 years as a shift supervisor and 3.5 as a partner. I am unsure if maybe I just go through bouts of wondering why I continue my employment at Starbucks. Most of the time when I am thinking of a job change (like this morning when I left work) I remind myself that I have pretty good insurance (even if I can’t afford to use it most of the time) and that I have a schedule that allows me to be home every afternoon and evening with my girls and my husband. These things are why I wake up every morning at 4am, trudge out of bed and find myself slinging coffee at 4:30a.
There is no small amount of responsibility that comes with the $1 an hour raise and the title “Shift Supervisor”. This morning was the definition of every part of my job and every part that I managed to botch up this week.
The first part was the opening a person short. So I got to do my job, then I got to do my other openers job. I am not mad at her, poor thing was ran off the road by some jerk who didn’t even stop to see if she was ok. She lost two tires and two rims and had to be picked up by her parents. I have no grief with her. It was rough though. You depend on your fellow partners to ensure you have an easy open. This is not always the case. So i took my short staffed open with a grain of salt. Grateful that my staff remained unhurt and I proceeded to try to get things done quickly. The day continued to be fail as our Sunday order wasn’t put in timely (not my fault) so they shipped us the auto order. Which is some wonky cruel Starbucks joke that doesn’t even come close to anything we actually order. EVER. So it becomes the day of hoping we have enough to get by.
Then we had a slow morning. Looked like the day might look up. Our customer count picked up speed and we found ourselves swamped. It is like being in a burning ship. All the customers look unhappy because you can’t move faster all the while you feel helpless to make them or your staff feel any better about being overwhelmed. When the next supervisor arrived, he didn’t check on the floor, he didn’t ask what needed done, he just started doing his own thing even though he wasn’t in charge. I don’t need that. I am the supervisor in charge. It seems this week that doesn’t matter. SO I was left to figure out my floor even thought I was supposed to leave at 10. When my tips person and the other supervisor remained unfinished with their tasks when it was time for me to send people and myself home, I stayed. I can’t leave my partners on the floor like that.
I won’t.
I have been left when it was just baristas, and no shift because they were late or some scheduling mishap. It is no fun, it is stressful and my staff doesn’t deserve that.
So I left 40 minutes late. I did the best I could to help.
The kicker to my day?
It was when I got scolded over the phone by my manager, who was not in the store today, about Sunday’s order (the one I didn’t do the the afore mentioned shift supervisor took from me last week), and then 10 minutes later scolded on a second phone call that I did not have time for but took anyway, to get told I should have noticed about the order black out for today. I am totally at fault for that. But I will accept only half the blame. As our manager did do her own ordering yesterday. Two of them. Meaning I am not the only one who missed the black out notice. So we didn’t double our order, so now we will be short on Thanksgiving.
So as I sit here venting, I know you think I am a giant complainer. Just wait. I am getting to the end of this.
First thing:
I am glad I have a job. Once that gives me the chance to spend time with my family. Not everyone has that. It may not be very grace giving right now, but not all days are bad. Not all days are frustrating.
Second thing:
I do love (for the most part) all of my coworkers. There are special ones in there that will go out of there way for each other. That alone can fix any day.
Lastly:
Me. The way that I deal with it all is a huge. I came home. I clutched my husband. He thanked me for working so hard, for dealing with so much so he can finish school and be my sugar daddy. (It’s gonna happen). His appreciation helps me so much.
When facing adversity you just have to grin, bear it, take it best you can and learn. Learn what you can from it. If you can learn, that is what makes you different from everyone else. If you can take what you see as bad and learn a lesson from it and move forward then you stepped forward instead of stepping back or stepping down into a grumpy dark place.
My final parting words before a well deserved hot bath and some lunch is this:
When adversity comes, that misfortune, the calamity, the distress that this life has to offer you, take a deep breath, put on your determined face and make it good anyways.  I know that isn’t always possible and I know sometimes it is harder than it feels like its worth. But take it from me, someone is learning from watching your adversity. Be a grand lesson in strength and determination. You are better than what you are going through.
All my love always,
Lady X

Being Broken

Perhaps I didn’t realize that damage that I had sustained during my previous marriage. I didn’t realize that it had affected me so.

 In February I began battling my anxiety again. My head was filled with false thoughts, and old wounds were opened up and I was left feeling afraid. Scared of what each day might bring. I had nightmares that Joseph was going to find a reason to leave me. As if some broken part of me he hadn’t known came out and he just couldn’t stay. I dreamed he and the girls died. I was left alone, crying. Sobbing and lost. Wondering what to do, where would I go?

I realized so much when I finally beat this round. I realized that I am stronger than I think. I also learned that I can break down and lean on my husband and he is more than willing and strong enough to hold me up and let me break down.

 I would battle insane scenarios in my mind. When Joseph went to his friends’ bachelor party, I had in my mind that he would be told what a bad idea I was, and that he would then figure it out. (I know there is nothing to figure out, I am just posing this from where my mind was) When he went to the rehearsal dinner I had it in my mind that someone from his past would come and take him away.

 Here is something I know. It is factual. Period. Joseph loves me. His commitment is rock solid or he would never have made it. He loves my girls. His commitment to them is just as solid. He is a man of integrity and honor. He is tough and strong and sensitive to my crazy and understanding of my needs.

 When this all happened I found myself leaning against a rock I had never had before. Not only did I have God, but also I now had the helper that he intended. The partnership that marriage was intended to create between two people, Joined as one.

 Since I am still not used to this, it came as a shock when I hit anxiety bottom, and he was there to catch me before I hit the bottom.

 In Isaiah, God talks about the refiners fire, “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

 I am afflicted by the wounds that I suffered. I can let these things that happened control me. Or I can use them like a furnace. They can refine me. I can learn from them. I can grow from them. I can be renewed each time I am to be placed in the fire for refinement.

 So much can happen to us in this life. Each moment can be defining. Whether we choose to use it positively or negatively depends on us. Our situation and how we handle it will not always be handled with grace. I find a lot of times I probably react wrong. I can learn though. That is what makes us great. We can take each moment, each failed attempt and try to learn and make it right.

I learned a few things from all of this mess the last few months.

 First is that I am still wounded. I still need to remember that I have to address the things that damaged me so that I can work towards a total healing. I know that God will grant me this healing in time. I have to take the time to recognize each place that is wounded. Perhaps there are areas even I don’t know are problems. I certainly never thought that I would feel worried that Joseph would leave. He has always been understanding and wonderful. Faithful and committed. I expect nothing less from him. My subconscious on the other hand likes to tell me sometimes that I don’t deserve him. I totally do and my subconscious can blow chunks.

 I also learned that it is okay to be vulnerable. There are very few times in my life that I have actually cried over things that mattered. I think that holding that in for so long takes its toll. No one needs to be strong all of the time. Sometimes it is good to let down the wall and let someone else be strong. I also know it is good to let my husband be my strength.

 It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper.

 He is my helper. We love each other and need each other. I am grateful and I feel favored by God to have been given such an amazing man, a helpmeet, my husband, a wonderful stepfather to my girls, and a friend that I can depend on and trust to always have my back.

 So let someone be your strength, let someone take your hand and help you stand straight and tall sometimes. If not because you need it, but because sometimes you are helping someone else, by letting them be needed.

 

All my love always,

Tiarra

They made it!

So we bought our wedding bands from a shop in China cause we are broke and because we liked them. Well I was starting to worry that they would arrive in time for the 31st. I started feeling anxious. This morning one of the two shipping tracking numbers they had given me said it had cleared customs in San Francisco. I felt better knowing that at least they were in the general area. Then the post office came a knocking on my door and then….BAM! They were here. They fit perfect and we are excited more than ever now as the day approaches. Counting down, t-minus 11 days. Joseph is finishing up his vows, and we have everything set. Although I would love to go out and find a nice blouse. This lady is a lucky lady. 

That is the good part of today. The rest of today has been obnoxious phone calls from my ex, sick kids, and him demanding I bring them over sick. Still feverish, still sad. Stuck taking them. Not a happy mama. Good thing? I just have to do this today. He can’t handle them all weekend and middle ginger’s birthday and Christmas so he is giving me them for the weekend. I dig it. I can deal with a few missed hours knowing that I have the whole weekend off and I get to have them with me for all of it.

Presents are wrapped, the PS3 we got them for Christmas is ready, all updates applied, games downloaded onto it, all six games we bought are ready and under the tree. We did good this year. We are excited to count down the last 5 days till Christmas. Hope you all got your shopping done. I am gonna cut out, and hope to get some more work done before I go pick up my minis. 

 

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year, and be blessed.

All my love,

Lady X

20131220-180713.jpg

20131220-180729.jpg