Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

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#1113

The keys have been turned in. The door locked behind me. The place that started my freedom. Apartment #1113. 

I am only slightly melancholy that we moved. That place was tiny, and we had outgrown the space since our family had grown from 4 ladies roughing it, to a family of five with a man of the house. 

What I want to write tonight is about what that apartment meant for me. It was the key that GOD handed me and told me to be free. Let go of the past. Let go of the rage, the hate, the abuse, that you see everyday. Just be free. Most of the people who know me, know that I hate change. I also hate to give up on things. I read an article the other day that helped me maybe let go of any failure I had left. It talked about people who are married and whether or not it was on paper, or a covenant of GOD. For me, there was no covenant. I tried very hard to make things work. 3 kids, 6 months of counseling, begging and pleading, emotionally cheating, and 14 years later, I let it go. I looked for an apartment. The doors opened, we found a place, and I got the keys. 

I found a pamphlet in my new home a week after me and my girls moved. I know that God put it there. Whether he had a friend leave it, or a family member leave it. Doesn’t matter now. Just matters that I read it. That I took a good look at the list of ways to tell you were in an abusive relationship.

I checked too many of those boxes that day. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be treated that way ever again. I would be first, I would be important. I would be chased, wanted, loved. Cared for, respected. Everything that a woman deserves. 

Saying goodbye to the old apartment was a step forward. It meant freedom for me and my girls. Our new place, it means home. We are a complete little family. I have more than I ever imagined that I deserved, more than I could have thought to ask for. I know it. I am grateful for it.  

I give everyone woman out there this little bit of hope. If you have struggles. You are in the land of the single mom. Whether you are the single mom who is married (that was most of my marriage) or the one that has ventured out and has bravely set forth to find your freedom. Be of great joy. You are amazing! You can do it! You may not find prince or princess charming. But you are a joy, an amazing creation that GOD made, and he will lead you. 

So tonight, as I get ready to put the kiddoes to bed, as I reach out to say my prayers, I pray for each of you. All of you in whatever your struggle is. Be blessed. God loves you, as a fellow human I love you. Reach out and be free. No relationship should place you in chains. 

 

All my love always,

Lady X

They made it!

So we bought our wedding bands from a shop in China cause we are broke and because we liked them. Well I was starting to worry that they would arrive in time for the 31st. I started feeling anxious. This morning one of the two shipping tracking numbers they had given me said it had cleared customs in San Francisco. I felt better knowing that at least they were in the general area. Then the post office came a knocking on my door and then….BAM! They were here. They fit perfect and we are excited more than ever now as the day approaches. Counting down, t-minus 11 days. Joseph is finishing up his vows, and we have everything set. Although I would love to go out and find a nice blouse. This lady is a lucky lady. 

That is the good part of today. The rest of today has been obnoxious phone calls from my ex, sick kids, and him demanding I bring them over sick. Still feverish, still sad. Stuck taking them. Not a happy mama. Good thing? I just have to do this today. He can’t handle them all weekend and middle ginger’s birthday and Christmas so he is giving me them for the weekend. I dig it. I can deal with a few missed hours knowing that I have the whole weekend off and I get to have them with me for all of it.

Presents are wrapped, the PS3 we got them for Christmas is ready, all updates applied, games downloaded onto it, all six games we bought are ready and under the tree. We did good this year. We are excited to count down the last 5 days till Christmas. Hope you all got your shopping done. I am gonna cut out, and hope to get some more work done before I go pick up my minis. 

 

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year, and be blessed.

All my love,

Lady X

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As the day approaches

I have been sick for like 2 weeks now.  It is wearing thin on my patience as this Thanksgiving is important. More important to me than usual. Since it is almost always about food, I am currently excited about what it means for changes in my life, and the lives of my girls. 

See my Joseph and I are finally engaged. I have been ready to marry him for ages. But I wanted him to know he was ready. He takes on a pre made family. A job I feel like statistically is usually taken up by a man who has a pre made family of his own. Not a single guy, with no dramatic past, no kids of his own. Just an ambitious future. I didn’t know how far this would go. But I am happy with the results. 

My daughters have been through all the stages. The ones where it was ok that he was around a lot. Then it was weird that he was around a lot. Then it was curious that he never left. Then one day he moved in. And they were like, “What?”. 

There were times in the last few months that we talked about getting married, that we would have these arguments with my youngest where she said that she was marrying me and that Joseph couldn’t. Those were so cute. And the one where my oldest told me seriously that she loved Joe but didn’t want a step dad. 

Then there was me telling them that he asked me to Marry him, and that I said yes. I told them how he pressed his forehead against mine and told me how he would be honored to call me his fiancé and his wife. And how he hoped I would be proud to call him my fiancé and my husband. And I cried. 

The joy in their faces. It was a shining moment for me. We have come so far. They love him so much. It is amazing to know that a man that is not their biological father would be less likely to hurt them then there real dad. 

So Thanksgiving is when we tell Joseph’s parents. I am excited and terrified! I know they like me and the girls. I just spend time wondering sometimes if they are ready to have us permanently in the folds of their forever family. Accepting who your son chooses to marry is one thing. Watching him choose a pre made family is another. I know that can be hard. Especially for a very strong Christian family. 

I know this though, I know that I am an amazing woman. I know that no woman on this planet could ever love their son the way that I do. I know that he will always have the love of the three most amazing girls for his whole life. Daughter’s that he never anticipated having, but has lovingly thrown his arms around and kept them close to him in his protection. 

I never bought into the happy ending thing. I had all but given up on the hopeless romantic that lives inside me. But he squeezed me until I was whole and he gave me that hope back. A hope in the kind of man that I never thought I could meet. That I never thought would be able to love me past the responsibilities of the most beautiful and courageous little girls on earth. 

I am the luckiest girl in the world. I know it. I take responsibility for it. I am grateful for it. I will always be diligent in making sure that Joseph knows it. He knows he is the luckiest man on earth. I can see it in his eyes every time I catch him staring at me. That dumb love struck face that I am always wearing, reflected back at me in numbers to numerous to count. 

It doesn’t happen all the time, and sometimes you never ever get to feel it. But if love comes your way, even if you are afraid. Embrace it. Even if it hurts after, I would be more sad to know that I had missed it.

So Thanksgiving is our day. To celebrate with family. Then I am gonna blow up crazy Facebook with the news and then let the planning of my barefoot bohemian wedding begin!

 

All my love always,

Lady X

She waits

The days is warm
But she does not play

She waits

Teddy bear in hand
Hair combed, dress pressed

She waits

There is no smile on her face
No rosiness to her cheeks

She waits

This night is like the others
Her eyes light up and dart to a passing car

She waits

She sits a little straighter
Her faith waning

She waits

The sun rushes down to sleep
Her mother scoops her up

She waits

A tear escapes her sad eyes
Her mother kisses it away

She waits

The wait is never over
For He always leaves her sitting there

She waits

His time is not for her
Too busy, too sick

She waits

He doesn’t know or understand
Resolve can be broken

She waits

One day
Before he knows it

She’s gone

For my little girls. They always are left waiting. Days between phone calls, sometimes a month in between visits. He doesn’t see that he can break them. He doesn’t see that he can lose them. Our faith in people is not impervious to damage. He will never know how he loses them a little each day he doesn’t call. He doesn’t see that every skipped weekend puts him farther away. I see it. My heart breaks for them. It is not my job to keep their faith in him. If I had faith in his character as a father then I might have stayed married. I am the viewer of a cruel show. Unable to help as much has I wish I could.

Love your children today and everyday. They aren’t kids forever. They will grow, they will leave, and what you have built now is what will determine if they think you are worth their effort In The future.

Always me,
Lady X

The deep of the ocean

So many things to say. How to write them all. I worry sometimes at my inability to express all that I feel. Sometimes feelings so much can be overwhelming.  I have realized that I had suppressed so much of how I felt about things in this life that when I finally did remember what it was like to love and feel that it became a flood. So much to express.

Love for my girls, the anxiety of watching them grow up in this poison filled world and still make sure they know the love of God, the love of a mom and dad, and make sure they are able to show the world love.

The reality of this love is also a love of letting go. Children are not meant to stay with you forever. We must raise them to leave. It sounds sad but it is the way that life works. It is a brilliant little cycle. It is why you need a mate in this life. Someone to share life with when the kiddoes grow up and leave you to live their own lives.  From the moment they are born, you are already training them to leave. It is the cruel fate of a parent. To love someone so much. To spend so much time keeping them safe, teaching, and giving them all the love you have. Pouring into them all of your knowledge, even when they don’t want it. It all is for that moment that they stand up and walk away. This sounds dramatic and very rough. Alas, it is where we all start and  where we all go. Life continues forward this way. It is how we learn to let go. Each step closer to college is a moment that is teachable and that can be filled with laughter and love.

When all of that is said and done, what is left is you and your spouse. The person you have built your life with. Or in my case, rebuilt my life with. I have lots of divorced friends, sad to say. But most of us came from situations that really had no other options. I know that God does not approve of abuse. In any form, so I know that even though there are Christians that look down on those of us who didn’t make it through, my God loves me. That really is all that matters in that.

Love is rough. When I say that I mean that when you start over, there are places that your mind goes that make it hard for you.  When my divorce was final, I was still in a tumultuous relationship with Carlos, and having the proper kind of hope was hard.  Things were so uncertain. When I broke it off I had thoroughly convinced myself that I had nothing left. Just me and the girls. Part of me had resigned myself to being an old spinster that lived with her sister. The thought was there. Who wants to pick up a 31 year old divorcee with 3 beautiful little suitcases? I literally wouldn’t have blamed the male populace for deciding that it was far too much work and too much drama to even try.

But love is also amazing. As the title says, the deep of the ocean. Love is like that. Deeper than we can imagine. The love we have for our children is like that.  It is the closest to the unconditional love of God that we can feel. There is also the love of a man for a woman, and a woman for a man. The right ones, that it. I learned so much, and have written pages and pages about it. What I find though, is that day by day, my kids teach me more about their love, and Joseph teaches me more about his love. That love that  a man has for a woman. I never knew it before. Not like this.  While I finally knew what love looked like, and what it could feel like after Carlos, I never knew that anything could be like this.

This love with my Joseph is complicated to describe. When the time comes for me to put it into words.

For a time, when I would see images on facebook of happy husband and wives, I assumed they were all lying. I really didn’t believe that there were couples out there that were actually happy most of the time. It seemed to me, as if some magical universe existed on facebook where people were forced to pretend to be happy. I was not into the whole pretending thing. My facebook status read married. But I had refused to mark on it who my spouse was.  He then hacked my facebook to make it say who I was married to, just backing up one of many reasons why I didn’t want it listed as such.

Now, years later. Having been through so much. I can say now that, there are married people who love each other that way. I see it all the time now. Astonished at how wrong I was, I now want to shout it to the entire world. Show them what brilliant, wonderful, passionate, unabashed love looks like. It is something I want people to know, and not just for some arrogant, teasing, I have something amazing thing. It is so much more than that. If they know what it looks like, they won’t accidentally miss it sometime in their lives when they have it.

We, as human beings, make love so complicated. We let so much get in our way of truly loving someone. Of giving everything we are, without reserve. The reason is fear. We are so afraid to lose, so afraid that we are already doomed to fail before we even try. Been there, done that. I want more. I want the kind of love I know Christ has for me. Since that is really hard for us to grasp, I want to love others like that. I want to love my kids, and my Joseph. Just. Like. That.

So today, my deep ocean of feelings can be put into words this way:

When I look into your eyes I see forever. I see our future. I see our love.
It has no depth. It has no end. The deep of the ocean cannot compare.
The vastness of the horizon is envious of us.
The limitless sky cries over how we have surpassed all it could imagine.
To say we love is not enough.
To say we care leaves too much to say.
We are merely soulmates.
Extensions of the other.
The missing piece that the other has always needed.
We are only what we can be.
Whole with the other by their side.
In want and need when apart.
Look into my eyes and see me.
Part of you.
Part of me.
My one and only.
My missing link.
My muse.
My love.
My Everything.

Just Another Day

Yesterday was a pain day. Still suffering this pain that I had surgery over a few months ago. To me surgery failed. To the doctor, you have to wait up to two years to know if it truly failed because of how long it takes for a body to heal, and then heal from the scar tissue created from the first healing. Sigh.

Pain reminds me of my marriage. It is something that I don’t deal with well. I watched my ex turn into nothing more than a lump of flesh that sits at home hoping to get better. It has been that way for 8 years. Nothing has changed. 

So when I encounter pain, and it has no noticable origin, I worry that I will end up that way. I am stronger than he is and was at the time he got hurt. I am not going to be defeated by this. So a new medication, a new treatment plan. At least I can say that now I finally have a plan.

That encourages me. I also have a strong family backing me. So I can rest assured that I have the best prayer warriors, the best people loving me and keeping me strong. I have the most beautiful girls to keep me going. So I will continue on moving forwards. Try this new route and see if it helps. I sure hope so. Yesterday was fail. I got almost nothing done. I ran to the grocery store at 7:30p just to make sure I had cereal and stuff for the kids. I hate doing that. I was so tired I couldn’t even finish my shopping because I just felt uncoordinated.  I got enough to get by for a few days but it was a rough day. I am ready to be over the hump of all this.

The reason for this post? Well besides making  a note of the happenings it is probably more due to the fact that I have had more than my regular share of interactions with my exhusband today. That alone stresses me out. He is on to a new idea of getting better. The doctor says he thinks his hips are the problem, not his back. He may be looking at hip replacement soon. Sheesh that man will be a cyborg before we know it. Maybe Cyborgs can get jobs??…

That is a whole other story.

Today is a day to be glad. Another day above ground, to see the joy of a child growing. To be loved by our friends and families. I am glad. My pain is small compared to that of a child. I would suffer a thousand times if I knew that it meant my children would suffer less.

I hope to be more uplifting tomorrow. For now I shall leave you with my usual. 

Love. Let yourself be loved. That is all.

Always,

Lady X