Fighting

The other day while Joseph was studying, he looked over at me and said he wondered what my angry face looked like. I thought this was an interesting thing for him to say. So after I giggled I tried my hardest to show him what my angry face would look like were he to be the unfortunate fellow of having earned having it aimed in his direction.

It was fail. I couldn’t do it. Everytime I looked at him I just felt happy and since I suck at faking things I couldn’t make the angry face therefor he still doesn’t know what it looks like.

It occurred to me today that Joseph and I haven’t fought a single time in the course of a year. I thought about it while working so hard this morning at work, that I haven’t been mad at him over the course of the year he and I have been together. He is literally the most chill person I have ever met. The Zen master if you will. Calm 90% of the time. The other 10% I save for angry video games played in PVP which takes the most calm person and turns them into a raving lunatic. (self included)

I think our compatibility plays a huge part in this. Our matching love languages helps as well. Being a touch and quality time person means that neither of us finds the other in deficit at a lack of gift giving. We do give each other gifts. But most of the time it is cheesy and small.

So what is the post about today? We I was thinking that I know looking at the two of us from the outside you can see the love, the passion and the dedication we have for each other. But I wonder if people knew that we don’t fight, we get along well, if they would think that we somehow lack that passionate note because of a lack of drama.

The answer?

It is no. We are hotter than ever. I am surprised daily how the level of want has not decreased one bit over the time we have spent together. It still feels new. Each kiss still feels like the first. I have to say that I expected it to change.  I thought that perhaps the relationships that I saw belonging to friends of mine that were couples were an amazingly rare thing or just bolstered up to make them look better. I didn’t actually think they existed.

I am glad to say I know otherwise now. I am glad the fire is still white hot and bright after a year, no boredom, no end in sight. I feel a sense of security and calm in that sentence. I take heart in knowing that JOseph feels the same. And I am happy that my girls can see a healthy relationship of love. Rather than the one they knew before. And now that they see it at least they have stopped asking the question, “Why doesn’t Joe yell Mommy?”

He doesn’t yell because he isn’t angry. Case and point.

 

I am chattily avoiding my math homework so I will bid you adieu for now.  I will enter more info later. Until then…

 

All of my love always,

Lady X

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What to do?

Business is the thing that steals joy and time. Unless you are doing something you love.  Then this phrase can be followed up with the saying that if you are doing what you love, you need to find a balance between doing what you love how you love it and taking the part where you have to do what you love the way others love it without it stealing your joy.

 

My photography and my art is what I love. Of course I love my kids, and I love my boyfriend and I love my family and Starbucks too. But my art is what I love for me.

So when I think of being confined in a box of what others want to think of my art I feel stifilled. Like my brain hates being confined by what others deem as their view of my art and what they think that art is worth. Too many times my art has been confined and then taken advantage of so much so that the joy of the art has been stolen from me. Like a thief just comes and takes what they want leaving me feeling like what I love has been raped and pillaged and left for dead.

This is truly how I feel about my art. All of it. I create it for me and anyone who wants to love it with me. SO perhaps that makes me extremely hard to please and a bit selfish. But I have learned in the past that if I let others dictate the way I view my art then I end up hating it.

So in regards to this post I am turning off my photography website this month. Little faces will take a hiatis until further notice. I can’t justify the $25 a month for a website full of out of date work that I don’t love. It was created when my ex husband told me in order to have a camera to make my art it had to be a business. Perhaps it is time for Little Faces to die in that regard. To be replaced by something that is totally me. And just for all of my art.

So goodbye Little Faces Photography. For a time you served me well. I shall find new ways to showcase my art. Something cheaper and that I can maintain myself. Something that is made for me. For MY art.

No raping or pillaging allowed.

So a fond farewell to you Little Faces. You will be missed.

Love Always,

Tiarra aka Lady X

Enjoy the little things

If I give anyone a tiny piece of brilliant advice it would be to take a moment and enjoy the little things. There are few things in this life that bring great joy. But when you enjoy the little things life is so magical.

My youngest little girl gets so excited to see me when i come home from work now that I gain a joyous moment of intense happiness when she sees me and tells me she missed me and loves me and clutches me tightly while I hold her in my arms.

Tonight I had the rare chance to take care of my love. I made him soup, and fed him chocolate mousse and stuffed him full of vitamins, and read him more of The Count of Monte Cristo. Then we watched zombie land, read some more and layed in the quiet a while. I rubbed his back and snuggled him close and he told me he loved me and he held me tight and told me I was the best girlfriend ever. I had that intense moment of joy. That happiness and peace when things for a moment are nearly perfect. My heart swelled with joy and I held him tight and just Enjoyed the fleeting moment that life and let me soak in. I sent him home to rest since I work tomorrow and I want him to rest and get better.

I looked into his smiling face at one point and just knew that I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

Take a moment to enjoy the little things. They can be so few and far between in this life. And this life is short enough as it is.

Smile, be happy, love. It’s the only thing I could ever tell you to do that I know will no doubt bring moments of amazing joy to you life.

As always,
Lady X

V I C T O R Y

Victory –noun, plural -ries.
1. a success or triumph over an enemy in battle or war.
2. an engagement ending in such triumph: American victories in the Pacific were won at great cost.
3. the ultimate and decisive superiority in any battle or contest: The new vaccine effected a victory over poliomyelitis.
4. a success or superior position achieved against any opponent, opposition, difficulty, etc.: a moral victory.
5. ( initial capital letter ) the ancient Roman goddess Victoria, often represented in statues or on coins as the personification of victory.

When going into battle there are only two ways that it can end. You are either victorious or you fail. In this life we will have both. Victories and Epic failures. I like to think that if we try hard we can say that our victories out weigh the failures. But I know this to be untrue. We are a flawed race. Filled with drama and sin. We can’t do very much with messing it up. I have messed up loads. I however have an amazing talent that helps me learn. It is the ability to say I am sorry. Not a lot of people can admit they were wrong, and even if they go as far as to say they made a mistake, saying sorry is almost always too damn hard. Saying sorry is an amazing thing. First off, if you mean it, you feel great afterwards. I always feel better after saying sorry. I also realize that not everyone is going to accept my apologies. So since they don’t always accept it I have to remember that GOD sees my genuine apology and he forgives me. That in itself is all I need. No one’s opinion matters to be but his. People are flawed. Every damn one of us. Why would I look for validation from people who are flawed? It is positively stupid to think that someone who is far from perfect could ever validate me the way GOD can.

So what is all of this talk of victory. Well stress levels have been high this week. The Evil W has been hurling her insults through Carlos all week. Just the other day I was his whore, and I should find myself on a street corner where I belong. I really have held my tongue, not hurled anything back the entire time I have been threatened and insulted, and being driven crazy. Now, today is my day for victory. I have been praying for peace. I try hard to never pray for stuff. Just concepts, good health, peace, love, stuff like that. Then if a peaceful day comes along it is an answered prayer. Be grateful for the little things my friend. Today was finally confrontation day. I told myself that I had enough of being called bad names that weren’t true. I will not be bullied any more. So interestingly enough telling myself, GOD and Carlos that I was going to arrange a meeting so I could get all this crap out in the open was all GOD needed to hear. Maybe he thought I was finally ready to deal with it. So after Carlos and her have it out, she sends me a text that says we need to talk. Then she calls. I ignore her. Not quite ready. I listen to her voicemail and she says that she wants to talk to me from her perspective. I text her and say that I don’t want to fight. It is true. I really hate fighting and I do it poorly. No matter how right I am I can lose a fight (that isn’t based on physical endurance and strenght mind you) and I will find myself depressed and sad that I could so badly be kicked and not be able to fight back. So when W called me I was worried. And GOD was with me. She started to see if she could talk about how bad I was being, all my flaws. My failure as a friend. I would not have it. I was a great friend, as well as wife, and confidant as well. Since she was going to start this way then lets air our friendship dirty laundry. She said no one was there for her when she wanted to leave Carlos, and when she got pregnant and it wasn’t his, and I told her that wasn’t true. I stood by her despite how I thought it was wrong. I held my tongue and supported her in all her decisions. And then when my life got hairy and I needed her it was too much and she abandoned me. She was speechless.

We talked for over an hour. And I counceled her the way I do Carlos when he is being a little less than the smart man he is and needs to be told to knock it off. I was honest, and I was intelligent and GOD was with me, and he helped my words come out the way that he wanted them.

She apologized to me, for the evil things she said. She said she didn’t want to fight anymore. (fighting alone is boring anyway since I refuse to fight back) So while I have no idea how long this will last, I know one thing. Today GOD has given me peace and victory over something that has troubled me for months. I feel lighter, and better and happy for this moment that I am not having emotional warfare grenades launched in my direction. I pointed no fingers, I didn’t judge and above all I said everything with LOVE. And you know what, I think that GOD was proud of me. And for the briefest moment, I am going to be proud of me too. I actaully lasted the battle and I won it with love instead of fighting back with the same hate.

Isn’t GOD grand!
Always yours,
Lady X

Victory – Yolanda Adams

[Chorus]
I’ve got, got the victory
I’ve got the sweet sweet victory in Jesus.
Yes I do
He’s our mighty conquer.
In him I will trust all my battles he’ll fight.
I’ve got, got the victory
I’ve got the sweet sweet victory in Jesus.
For me He died but He rose on the third day.
Thats why I have true victory everyday.

[Verse 1]
Truly I’ve been through the storm and rain.
I know every thing about heartache and pain.
But God carried me through it all without His protection I’ll surely fall.
Ive been broke without a dime to my name.
But all my bills got paid because I called on Jesus name.
You can’t tell me that God isnt real ’cause I’ve got the victory and that why im still here.

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
I’m not worried about material things I dont have.
I’m just blessed cause I sure that my savior’s there.
Because I know that my blessing is on the way
I can’t see it right now but I stand by faith.
I’ve fought many, many battles in His name.
I’ve held up the blood-stained banner and proclaimed.
That Jesus is the truth and the light.
Believe me when I say he will make it alright.

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
Oh yeah I got the victory yeah
I got the victory yeah yeah yeah
And if you got the victory sing along with me
Yeah I got the victory yeah I got the victory
Yeah yeah yeah
Sing it with me I’ve got the victory