Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

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#41

Today has been Dave Matthews day. I rarely listen to him now. Depending on the song that is. Crash is my heart song since I was 16. Rapunzel is my naughty song. You and me is just a sweet song. I Did It is my love bomb song.

41 is my life song.

(Tattoo still coming. Hopefully on the same day I get my Friday the 13th tattoo. September is the month that has Friday the 13th btw)

Some of the songs make me melancholy. Which used to be the state that I existed in all the time. Years of it. Since I was 17 listening to the Cranberries or Elvis, But I am not that way any more. Just happy. It really is something to feel, to behold. It has made me realize I have so many things to appreciate.

I also have found the meaning that 41 has for me. I told Carlos many times I never understood why 41 meant so much to me. What it meant to me, what it was for. I never thought I would know. I certainly didn’t think today I would find that meaning. But I did. It is also far simpler than I could have imagined.

I was that girl. The one in the song. I did finally let the ghosts come reeling and crashing down.  And I did find may way to run and dance in the rain and I am glad. I think that when this song meant so much to me was because I hadn’t realized that I was waiting for the man in the song. To come and play for me, to bring me water, a man who wouldn’t tell me what to be. A man who just wanted to come, to stay, to wait for me, the one who wanted to love me.

I have that now, and tomorrow leads my way.

 

All my love always,

Lady X

 

#41

Come and see
I swear by now I’m playing time against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while
I’m in the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won’t tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
What if they came down crushing
Remember when I used to play for
All of the loneliness that nobody
Notices now
I’m begging slow I’m coming here
Only waiting I wanted to stay
I wanted to play,
I wanted to love you
I’m only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way
I’m coming waltzing back and
Moving into your head
Please, I wouldn’t pass this by
I wouldn’t take any more than
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why won’t you ever be glad
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won’t you run
In the rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you

You

I trace the patterns where I felt your skin
I smell the sweat of our chemistry mixed

I hear the laughter and the giggles of our play
I feel the pressure of your body pinning mine

A bite here, a tickle there
A wicked smile 

A squeal
A sigh 

A lick
A kiss

I love you
I know

 

I have had an amazing few days despite the bumps. Sarah and urgent care, my fun kidney stone issues. Scheduling drama. All these things counted for and the time this week has still been magical. I have reminisced over the last year with my Joseph. We have talked about things we have said. The places we were when he said I love you for the first time. The second time. He was so nervous. The ways that he told me were so cute, meant to be said with an edge of fun so that he wasn’t overwhelmed with the seriousness of the moment. Before he said I love you. We were laying in bed, and he said to me. 

“I am getting quite fond of you” 

I knew it was hard for him to admit it. He had already said that the commitment to me and the girls scared him to death.  The first time he said he loved me, he wrapped me in his arms around me in the dark and rocked me back and forth and said,

“I just love all of this so much!” 

It was so sweet, it took me totally by surprise. Not surprised that somebody loved me. That my Joseph not only said it to me, but he said it first.

The second time was watching movies, and he leans over and kisses me. Then he says,

“I love Tiarra cause she’s so delicious.” (Yes you can hear the goldfish song here, and yes he sang it that way)

Since then more I love you’s have been exchanged than I could ever hope to count. Watching him smile, seeing him with the girls. Dream come true. I am indeed blessed. As I sit here watching the kids play minecraft, and I sit here typing this while Joseph is off grinding away (quite literally) at Starbucks I am just grateful. It is a nice place to be. Just happy to be me. My tattoo makes me happy. It is true every day. 

I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.

All my love,

Lady X

Fighting

The other day while Joseph was studying, he looked over at me and said he wondered what my angry face looked like. I thought this was an interesting thing for him to say. So after I giggled I tried my hardest to show him what my angry face would look like were he to be the unfortunate fellow of having earned having it aimed in his direction.

It was fail. I couldn’t do it. Everytime I looked at him I just felt happy and since I suck at faking things I couldn’t make the angry face therefor he still doesn’t know what it looks like.

It occurred to me today that Joseph and I haven’t fought a single time in the course of a year. I thought about it while working so hard this morning at work, that I haven’t been mad at him over the course of the year he and I have been together. He is literally the most chill person I have ever met. The Zen master if you will. Calm 90% of the time. The other 10% I save for angry video games played in PVP which takes the most calm person and turns them into a raving lunatic. (self included)

I think our compatibility plays a huge part in this. Our matching love languages helps as well. Being a touch and quality time person means that neither of us finds the other in deficit at a lack of gift giving. We do give each other gifts. But most of the time it is cheesy and small.

So what is the post about today? We I was thinking that I know looking at the two of us from the outside you can see the love, the passion and the dedication we have for each other. But I wonder if people knew that we don’t fight, we get along well, if they would think that we somehow lack that passionate note because of a lack of drama.

The answer?

It is no. We are hotter than ever. I am surprised daily how the level of want has not decreased one bit over the time we have spent together. It still feels new. Each kiss still feels like the first. I have to say that I expected it to change.  I thought that perhaps the relationships that I saw belonging to friends of mine that were couples were an amazingly rare thing or just bolstered up to make them look better. I didn’t actually think they existed.

I am glad to say I know otherwise now. I am glad the fire is still white hot and bright after a year, no boredom, no end in sight. I feel a sense of security and calm in that sentence. I take heart in knowing that JOseph feels the same. And I am happy that my girls can see a healthy relationship of love. Rather than the one they knew before. And now that they see it at least they have stopped asking the question, “Why doesn’t Joe yell Mommy?”

He doesn’t yell because he isn’t angry. Case and point.

 

I am chattily avoiding my math homework so I will bid you adieu for now.  I will enter more info later. Until then…

 

All of my love always,

Lady X

25,000 Feet

 

I am currently flying and that is something I just don’t do. I am in awe of how beautiful the world is. Amazingly created to say the least. It earth is whizzing below me at insane speeds and I am sitting in a chair with barely anything between me and the clouds.

 

The world is a brilliant patchwork below me. Cheesy and said a million times but lots of people who have flown but I am glad that I have this chance to look over the world and see how amazing and beautiful it is. Since the last time I flew I was 14 years old and the flight was short this is amazing. It was scary and I am not going to lie, my lady brain cried at the airport at the thought of flying anywhere without my babies. I can’t want to show them the pictures that I have taken from the plane. It is truly a sight. I hope that someday soon I can take them somewhere so they can see this amazing view of the earth we live on.

 

I spend lots of time thinking about the world. I look at pictures of space and I wonder what it is like up there and now I am closer to space than I ever have been. It is amazing and I wonder sometimes what it must be like to be a pilot or an astronaut.

 

As I am flying to New York City, one of the most beautiful cities to photograph I am a little sad that I left my camera gear at home, but I wanted this to be a trip for fun. A brilliant day of celebration for Valentine’s day and Joe and I’s one year anniversary. I can’t believe that it has already been a year. What an amazing, crazy year. I never thought that I would find someone  that fit me so completely. I really do feel like he is my missing puzzle piece. I feel whole. God never meant for any of us to be alone. And for years I felt that way. It is amazing not to feel alone anymore. I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief.

 

With less than 13 awake hours in the big apple we have a busy day ahead of us. More pictures to be taken, laughs to be had. Ice to be skated on.

Did I mention that we are going ice skating at Rockafeller center? That is the main event this evening. Dinner and skating. Perfection.

 

It is an amazing and perfectly beautiful day. I can’t wait to get there.

 

I literally can”t get over how beautiful the world is. As I type this, without looking mind you I am just looking over everything. The winding rivers, the tiny buildings, I am far too high to see cars, but that doesn’t keep me from pressing my face against the window and trying.

 

As we pass over a city I can see some tiny little cars. It amazes me to think of the people inside off to their day. Sigh.

 

Funny enough my phone takes better pictures than the point and shoot that I got.

 

The plane is bumping around a little which freaks me out.  But I am doing good, so proud of myself for fighting my fear and going on an adventure. I hope I get to see mountains. I have seen hills and they look amazing and wonderful.  I feel blessed just having been able to see all of this!

 

I will update more later. As for me, I am giddy, happy, blessed and ready for an amazing celebration.

 

🙂

 

Lady X

 

Meaningful moments

The most meaningful moments happen in the quietest moments.

Time is so fast. The year is almost over.I really can’t believe it. My middle daughter is going to be 7 years old tomorrow. I celebrate 10 months with Joseph tomorrow too. And dealing with my ex this week has been emotionally exhausting.

So what is this post about you ask? Well I will tell you and be for-warned its about to get mushy.

One day last week when Joe got home after his closing shift he crawled into bed and I always roll over and snuggle up to his back. I put my hand on his heart and he puts his hand on my hip and we go to sleep. We snuggled up in the usual wayand minutes later Sarah starts to stir. So I roll over and latch her on, so now we are back to back. which is fine too. So he puts his hand back on my hip and I put mine there and we interlock fingers and I just lay there. Happy.

Well here is where the moment becomes meaningful and stupid mushy.

I woke up hours later, same position. Fingers still laced with his. When I realized that we had just laid there, peacfully sleeping hands held together for hours I just smiled. I was just happy for this quiet moment to have spent in peace, in slumber, laying next to my love.

 

It’s meaningful to me because I never had that kind of closeness.  Being held to fall asleep and then roll away is common and I am not knocking it since most occasions will call for that. It meant a lot to me because when we started dating it was always hard for him to stay, he wanted to be in his bed. Lots of room. Now he sleeps tucked next to me, tightly interlocked as to not let me stray too far.

And that means the world to me.

 

Love big, Merry Christmas people.

All my love always,

lady x

Grateful

This week has been rough. Seriously testing my limits to what I can stand as far as how many pets I can lose at once. My dearest yorkie Gracie had to be put down after childbirth gone wrong. Leaving us sad and the new parents of her orphan puppy we named Chance.

Luci, one of Gracie’s offspring also decided this week is good for having babies. Only she didn’t fare so well either and I started to worry that we might lose her. Today with the help of the vet we delivered her last dead puppy. Gracie had 3 puppies with one survivor and Luci had no living puppies. After the week I have had, the loss of 5 dogs, the near loss of my Luci I have felt wiped out. But now the evening perks up. 

Luci is eating and drinking and she has taken to feeding Chance. We are gonna watch him real close but as of now he is nursing and she is taking care of him. At this moment I feel so blessed.

Another reason I feel blessed? Well it comes down to Joe. I didn’t have to do all of this alone. He was by my side as we tried to deliver Gracie’s puppies and he was there to take my brother to the vet when it was time to put her to sleep. He was there when it was time to feed her orphan puppy every 2 hours and help it go potty every time we fed it. He was there when Luci went in to labor and he held me while they delivered her last puppy in front of us at the vet office today. In ways I never knew I could I fall in love with this man over and over again. For new reasons. I love him in ways I didn’t know I was missing because he shows me all of the time that there are things I was always missing. 

The moments that show me how amazing he is happen constantly and I am always in awe. 

Last night, when I was falling back asleep after he got home he reminded me to set up the elf on the shelf for the girls so I wouldn’t forget. 

Last mushy tidbit before I go finish dinner. Yesterday night at work, he told Sam that Faith keeps using the word Awkward even when it doesn’t really work, and it doesn’t make sense and that he thinks its super cute. My honey is telling stories about the kids to other people. I know that he loves my girls, and I know that he loves me.

He is my puzzle piece, my penguin, and I am truly grateful that me and my girls have him.

 

All my love,

Tiarra