Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

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They made it!

So we bought our wedding bands from a shop in China cause we are broke and because we liked them. Well I was starting to worry that they would arrive in time for the 31st. I started feeling anxious. This morning one of the two shipping tracking numbers they had given me said it had cleared customs in San Francisco. I felt better knowing that at least they were in the general area. Then the post office came a knocking on my door and then….BAM! They were here. They fit perfect and we are excited more than ever now as the day approaches. Counting down, t-minus 11 days. Joseph is finishing up his vows, and we have everything set. Although I would love to go out and find a nice blouse. This lady is a lucky lady. 

That is the good part of today. The rest of today has been obnoxious phone calls from my ex, sick kids, and him demanding I bring them over sick. Still feverish, still sad. Stuck taking them. Not a happy mama. Good thing? I just have to do this today. He can’t handle them all weekend and middle ginger’s birthday and Christmas so he is giving me them for the weekend. I dig it. I can deal with a few missed hours knowing that I have the whole weekend off and I get to have them with me for all of it.

Presents are wrapped, the PS3 we got them for Christmas is ready, all updates applied, games downloaded onto it, all six games we bought are ready and under the tree. We did good this year. We are excited to count down the last 5 days till Christmas. Hope you all got your shopping done. I am gonna cut out, and hope to get some more work done before I go pick up my minis. 

 

Merry Christmas! Happy New Year, and be blessed.

All my love,

Lady X

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Complete

He stared into me, as if he could see the very blood that boiled and coursed through my veins. His eyes a mirror of passion and want. One that could not be satiated. His eyes spoke volumes of his love and his commitment to me. And for once in my life, I knew love, knew passion, and knew peace like I had never known. And he was the one to give it to me. Like a man who had freed a caged bird. Only to have the bird return and stay within the secure confines of his love, for all eternity.

 

Lady X

The deep of the ocean

So many things to say. How to write them all. I worry sometimes at my inability to express all that I feel. Sometimes feelings so much can be overwhelming.  I have realized that I had suppressed so much of how I felt about things in this life that when I finally did remember what it was like to love and feel that it became a flood. So much to express.

Love for my girls, the anxiety of watching them grow up in this poison filled world and still make sure they know the love of God, the love of a mom and dad, and make sure they are able to show the world love.

The reality of this love is also a love of letting go. Children are not meant to stay with you forever. We must raise them to leave. It sounds sad but it is the way that life works. It is a brilliant little cycle. It is why you need a mate in this life. Someone to share life with when the kiddoes grow up and leave you to live their own lives.  From the moment they are born, you are already training them to leave. It is the cruel fate of a parent. To love someone so much. To spend so much time keeping them safe, teaching, and giving them all the love you have. Pouring into them all of your knowledge, even when they don’t want it. It all is for that moment that they stand up and walk away. This sounds dramatic and very rough. Alas, it is where we all start and  where we all go. Life continues forward this way. It is how we learn to let go. Each step closer to college is a moment that is teachable and that can be filled with laughter and love.

When all of that is said and done, what is left is you and your spouse. The person you have built your life with. Or in my case, rebuilt my life with. I have lots of divorced friends, sad to say. But most of us came from situations that really had no other options. I know that God does not approve of abuse. In any form, so I know that even though there are Christians that look down on those of us who didn’t make it through, my God loves me. That really is all that matters in that.

Love is rough. When I say that I mean that when you start over, there are places that your mind goes that make it hard for you.  When my divorce was final, I was still in a tumultuous relationship with Carlos, and having the proper kind of hope was hard.  Things were so uncertain. When I broke it off I had thoroughly convinced myself that I had nothing left. Just me and the girls. Part of me had resigned myself to being an old spinster that lived with her sister. The thought was there. Who wants to pick up a 31 year old divorcee with 3 beautiful little suitcases? I literally wouldn’t have blamed the male populace for deciding that it was far too much work and too much drama to even try.

But love is also amazing. As the title says, the deep of the ocean. Love is like that. Deeper than we can imagine. The love we have for our children is like that.  It is the closest to the unconditional love of God that we can feel. There is also the love of a man for a woman, and a woman for a man. The right ones, that it. I learned so much, and have written pages and pages about it. What I find though, is that day by day, my kids teach me more about their love, and Joseph teaches me more about his love. That love that  a man has for a woman. I never knew it before. Not like this.  While I finally knew what love looked like, and what it could feel like after Carlos, I never knew that anything could be like this.

This love with my Joseph is complicated to describe. When the time comes for me to put it into words.

For a time, when I would see images on facebook of happy husband and wives, I assumed they were all lying. I really didn’t believe that there were couples out there that were actually happy most of the time. It seemed to me, as if some magical universe existed on facebook where people were forced to pretend to be happy. I was not into the whole pretending thing. My facebook status read married. But I had refused to mark on it who my spouse was.  He then hacked my facebook to make it say who I was married to, just backing up one of many reasons why I didn’t want it listed as such.

Now, years later. Having been through so much. I can say now that, there are married people who love each other that way. I see it all the time now. Astonished at how wrong I was, I now want to shout it to the entire world. Show them what brilliant, wonderful, passionate, unabashed love looks like. It is something I want people to know, and not just for some arrogant, teasing, I have something amazing thing. It is so much more than that. If they know what it looks like, they won’t accidentally miss it sometime in their lives when they have it.

We, as human beings, make love so complicated. We let so much get in our way of truly loving someone. Of giving everything we are, without reserve. The reason is fear. We are so afraid to lose, so afraid that we are already doomed to fail before we even try. Been there, done that. I want more. I want the kind of love I know Christ has for me. Since that is really hard for us to grasp, I want to love others like that. I want to love my kids, and my Joseph. Just. Like. That.

So today, my deep ocean of feelings can be put into words this way:

When I look into your eyes I see forever. I see our future. I see our love.
It has no depth. It has no end. The deep of the ocean cannot compare.
The vastness of the horizon is envious of us.
The limitless sky cries over how we have surpassed all it could imagine.
To say we love is not enough.
To say we care leaves too much to say.
We are merely soulmates.
Extensions of the other.
The missing piece that the other has always needed.
We are only what we can be.
Whole with the other by their side.
In want and need when apart.
Look into my eyes and see me.
Part of you.
Part of me.
My one and only.
My missing link.
My muse.
My love.
My Everything.

Provision

To me this word has a totally different meaning to me than it did 13 years ago.

When I met my now X-husband, I thought that provision was monetary. It meant financially providing for your family. Making sure they have what they need. It never occurred to me that there are other kinds of provision. The kind that I believe matter most to me now have nothing to do with money. A person really just needs their basic needs met by finances. The most important are emotional. When I was married if you considered emotional needs in the amount of dollars, I was bankrupt. We lived a decent, modern life without too much debt and with some decent toys. My emotional cup was empty. Dryer than a desert. The funny thing (though not really all that funny) is that I didn’t know any better. Sadly my marriage at the time was far more functional than any of the ones I had witnessed as an example of what marriage is supposed to be. 

When facebook came along I realized something about marriage. Other people looked happy. I have to say at first I just thought they were all faking it. Then I realized there were people who really did love their spouses. 

You know what?

I was jealous. 

Now it was all down hill after that for me. Crash and burn and what not. A few failed relationships later I realize something. Money doesn’t matter. If your basic needs are met the emotional needs far outweigh the things that are shiny and gold. 

I didn’t realize what true provision was until Joseph. I am totally broke and so his he. He has nothing to offer me but emotional security, love, emotional support and the chance to see someone blossom as a father figure to my girls. To watch him love them, and play with them, to emotionally support them, be there for them and provide them with the time they have always needed from a male influence that they have never had. 

It truly is far more worth it to me than any of the money that I could get from the richest man in the world. 

What is a world without love? Lonely, empty, boring, cold.

This is what I see when I think of a world without the love I have now. I am provided for in ways I never knew I needed. Grateful and blessed to have the love that I have now. I am sharing this information with you because there are a lot of things that money can buy. The  Beatles had it right. Can’t buy me love. No no no, nooooooooo!

I want to encourage people to love. Why? Because it took a long time for me to feel loved. Really loved. The priceless kind. I wish I could give this kind of love to everyone. So that other people would know how it feels to just be loved.

When your hair is a mess, when you feel unattractive, when you feel sick or fat or you just feel like things are off. 

On my worst days, Joseph still sees the beautiful me. It makes me smile every time. When I wake up and I feel like I look my worst. I can see the love and desire in his eyes. I can feel the honesty when he tells me how sexy and beautiful I am. I can feel his love seeping into my bones when I snuggle him before one of us has to leave for work. For these things, these little things, I would stay broke forever if I could just have love. Stuff if just that. It is stuff. It means very little. Love, it changes lives. I have seen what it has done for my oldest daughter Faith. Who didn’t want to love Joseph. She loves him tons now. I see the two of their faces light up when they play together and it makes me happy. A single mother could never ask for more than a man who respects her, respects her children, would do anything for us, and wants to make things better. 

I know you all get tired of hearing my love crap. I just want to be sure you never forget. 

Love Love Love

Always Me,

Lady X

Whispered words

My Joseph and I rarely spend time alone. It is a rare occurrence lately. School and work, being a supervisor, 5 kids all the time (not all of these are mine) lead to very little time left over. And since I go to bed most nights by 8pm, this doesn’t even leave us “after the kids are in bed time”. Last night my brother had the kids. A rare chance to spend time together, we didn’t watch movies or tv, we didn’t play games, we didn’t read. We literally just spent time together. Since our time is so few and far between I feel like so much happens in those moments and I wish I could capture them and put them in a jar. 

Lying in his arms, my favorite place to be, he showers me in affection, tells me the most wonderful things. Calls me beautiful a thousand times, tells me I am adorable, kisses me a million times. I could’t stop smiling the entire evening. 

He told me I am the best woman he has ever met. Then my heart melted when he told me that the girls and I give his life purpose, fill him with drive. Make him happier than he has ever been. I support him, and love him without reserve, without expecting nothing more than his love and support in return and he has never had that before.  

I can’t express how happy he makes me, how he takes me as I am, how he loves me no matter how messy my house is, or how crazy my ex husband is. He loves my girls. The most important part of my package deal. He plays with them, helps Faith with her homework when I can’t do the math (blush) And he will stop everything he is doing just to kiss me. 

Consider me completely lost. Over the top lost. Lost to a love that I didn’t even know existed. I’m broke, I have no idea what is going on with my right side, my exhusband is a mean and vindictive man that will spend the rest of his life trying to make my kids think I am a bad mother. But it doesn’t matter. My girls love me and they love Joe, and he loves us. And I really could never ask more than an unconditional love that takes me as I am, never tires of being loved by me. 

I ask Joseph, “Do I say I love you too much?” 

“How could you say that too much?” 

Did I mention I love this man. Sigh. He fed me red and white gummy worms last night. I love him a little more every time he does that. He gives me all of them in the pack. How could I ever ask for more than that kind of love?

Always here,

Lady X

Night

So in March there is another poetry reading with my wonderful friend Jerry. So now it is time to get off my enormous booty and write something. It has been a bit since I wrote anything and I feel the creative juices in me flowing. I wish to pour them into something wonderful.

It seems a thousand years ago
When darkness had filled up my soul

When the lovely light had left my eyes
When sadness marked my empty skies

So many sparks of light did try
To penetrate my darkened mind

Tiny rays of hope they brought
But fizzled out when trouble was sought

My hopes and dreams began to fade
No light left here, just darkened grey

Left alone within my thoughts
Dark as night and pain was wrought

A glimmer of hope in you I found
Could I dare to dream of love to be found?

This tiny glimmer did grow and grow
Freeing my mind, Freeing my soul

You loved me for all that I am
Your love a change in all our plans

My sky, my life, is dark no more
Light floods through loves wide open door

No more fear or pain to feel
Proof that scars can really heal

My heart is yours, my body, my soul
Forever after, with you.

All yours

Thank You my Joseph.