Inside out

My emotions are on high today. I’m feeling all ofit bubbling just below the surface. I’m glad none of it has anything to do with my kids which is great. The problem lies with my mom again. She has kidney stones. She went via ambulance to the emergency room last night and the cat scan showed kidney stones. And a spot on her lung. Since she has no medical history because she has never had insurance they cant tell us if it’s scar tissue or a new problem since she just recently had so many rumors removed with her hysterectomy that she had a few months ago. Is possible she has more problems we don’t even know about.

Couple this with my realization of just how deeply I am in love with joe and I’m on an emotional roller coaster today and I just want the ride to take a break. I don’t mind the twists the turns and the upside downs, but my insides feel like they are falling out and I feel like I tearing at the seams.

I told joe last night that everything sucks, that I miss him and that with my mom in the hospital and him so sick still I feel like I’m being ripped apart at the seams. Too many people I love all broken.

He comforted me marvelously. He told me “I just wish I could give you a nice big hug, you know, to squeeze those seams back together.”

I’m holding it together, exhausted from being up to late with emergency room drama and then needing to be at work at 4a. Thanks Starbucks for thinking I need to be up this early.

All of this just pulls the mortality of this priceless short life into my full view. It is dark and hard to look at and my eyes,my heart, want to turn away and not look. Pretend that the cruel truth of this life is that my mom will die and leave me someday and I won’t have her to lean on and depend on. I feel scared that I love Joe so much that if I lost him it may actually be harder than my ordeal with Dick. (see my long emotional story post for that back story)

I guess all of this brings forward the human fear of loss. And we all have it. If we are human. And I just don’t like it being at the fore front of my exhausted brain this morning.

I will still love without reserve. I will tell my mom how amazing she is, how I love her more than the stars, and I will make sure she knows that I would choose her as my mom ove rand over no matter what the choices because she taught me the best kind of love.

I will tell Joe in no uncertain terms, that I love him, that I’m giddy and happy to be with him no matter what that looks like in the future and no matter what happens ever.

I will hug my kids and slather them in love. Make them know just how much and deep my feelings are.

I will tell my friends they are wanted and amazing and appreciated.

My lunch is almost over so I will take my emotions and swallow them with my Xanax since I’m drive thru bar and I need to be able to focus.

I send you off today with all my love.

Goodbye

Life so big
Life so small

Being a person
With no time at all

In a blink of an eye
All gone and no more

Sitting on the curbside
Near heavens door

Why so sad?
Why so low?

Life was too short
My Lord you know

Be comforted in love
Be happy in death

Be assured that they knew you loved them
Be comforted that you are missed

Look towards the earth
See all their tears

Love them as you would
We’re you still near

Be free of your fear
Be free of your pain

Your love with draw you To them
It will bring you back again

This poem is very sad and dark but it is what was on my heart. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme)

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Another Day

Another –adjective
1. being one more or more of the same; further; additional: another piece of cake.
2. different; distinct; of a different period, place, or kind: at another time; another man.
3. very similar to; of the same kind or category as: What we need today is another thomas jefferson.

When you lose a friend at the beginning it isn’t so bad. You are sad, you think of how you wish you could have done something that wouldn’t have resulted in such a tragic ending, (depending on how your friendship ended maybe it was tragic).

I recently lost a friend. No they didn’t die. I still actually know “where they are” so don’t feel led to contact the authorities.  For the sake of this blog we will call him Carlos. Carlos is the best friend ever. He listens, hes always there for you. You love him to pieces. Carlos was married to for the sake of the blog we will call her the wicked witch of the west. Or W for short. She wishes she was still married to Carlos, turns out having a baby with another man while married sends the current husband packing his bags.   I am not pointing cheating fingers, since I have my own checkered past and I am not interested in perching myself (currently) on the soap box of hypocrisy.  Everyone makes mistakes, and she married someone else so technically she kinda needs to live with hers.

She doesn’t like Carlos being my friend. Turns out, me and Carlos liked being friends, and then we liked being more than friends. I even contemplated a serious future with Carlos. Who doesn’t want a man that knows all of your emotional buttons as well as other buttons (wink).  So what happened you asked that you started off talking about losing friends?  Well I am so glad that you virtually asked.

At the tender beginnings of something more with Carlos, W found out something was going on. She confronted Carlos, only he wasn’t ready to tell. So he lied. Said we were just friends. So I told Carlos that was all we could be. Just friends. I have already done my fair share of secret keeping, I really don’t want any part of that. Well turns out he and I are not good at being just friends. And into another set of lets see if we can work this out, he decides that he can’t do it. He just isn’t ready to do something like this and he wants to get his life in order and get things with GOD back to the way they need to be. I am not a selfish person. So I say ok, this time though we are going to have to call it all quits till it is a better time for both of us.  It is obvious that we can’t just be friends. He agrees. Then sends me little messages asking me little adorable stupid questions for close to 3 weeks, then we talk on the phone, go see a band together.  And what happens? Well now we are just seeing what happens. See what comes of us and out attempting to be together thing.  This is where trouble happens.

First off, this is one of the few men on the planet who knows where my buttons are. I say few because the list of men who have had any access to my buttons is 3. So really, there could be loads! I just have no energy to be a slut so I stick with what I know.

So W finds out that we are talking again.  Yay! I love when news gets out.  Now this time I wasn’t a secret, I was just an omission since technically it isn’t her business what he does anyway right? So she finds out through her nosy friend who was supposed to be my friend but apparently has no loyalty when it comes to keeping a confidence. So now I am hearing about how she says if I ever go near her kids she will kill me. Oh great, its time to deal with the crazy. BTW, I hadn’t even seen her kids since last year and had no contact with them for any other reason. So why the death threat? Not sure. I can’t explain why other people are crazy, just why I am.

The crazy gets worse. I had blocked her facebook after she unfriended me during unhappy at my talking to her X the first time. So she sends me a text asking if I blocked her. Ok, I’ll bite. Yes I blocked you. Since you unfriended me. She went on to call me all sorts of wonderful things.  She told me to end things, that there was no future for us. Well I rebuffed all of these things. I said that I loved him,  and why couldn’t we have a future. This is the kicker. The thing that just wrecked it for me. She said that she would use his kids, and group up with my X so that they could make my life hell for as long as they could so I could never be happy. That he can be happy just never with me. Wow. What a giant selfish bitch. It must be awesome to be so full of self righteous bull shit.  On any other time in my life I might have been ready to fight the evil wicked witch of the west, and secretly I keep praying someone will come along and dump some water on the bitch and melt her. But instead I spend my day in the quiet contemplation of getting ready to break things off. For good this time. Honestly I can only handle so much stress and the upcoming divorce from me and my separated spouse along with all of the drama that an entire gaggle of children can throw at me.  Adding the fun of the crazy X is not in my plans. Nor do I believe that I can handle it. The proof is here in the next action that W decided to  make.

A restraining order.  On ME! This is laughable since I am the most harmless person in the world. I can’t take being called loads of names and then being told that I get to have a restraining order placed against me because I am a danger to others.  That really was the last straw for me. I hate having my name tarnished.

I sent off the email that I would stop talking to him, that I wouldn’t call or text or write. I don’t want to be the reason that anyone gets their kids held against them. I would have hated knowing that I had done that to someone I love. I am a lover, not a fighter. And I can’t fight the crazy battles that W was going to push my way. I told Carlos goodbye.

It was hard for me. Since I feel I loved having him as a part of my day, even if it was just a text or a call. He knew how to talk to me, how to soothe the crazy when my own crazy emerged. And it was nice feeling like I was part of something special. But all the love in the world doesn’t help when I would have to worry about my own kids danger when the crazy W comes calling. You know I would have done a lot, put up with a lot, to be happy and in love. But I won’t endanger my kids, and I won’t risk someone being punished because they either know me or “know me”.

I am sad that my goodbye was so short. I didn’t get the mushy movie goodbye that I would have prefered.

So my fake goodbye is here. All of the things I would have said if I had the chance. I know he won’t see it, but I am happy to have it out.

Dear Carlos,

I am so sorry for the way I ended things. Even though we can’t be friends in real life, you will always be my friend in my heart. I am so sorry that I am not strong enough to deal with W. She is out of her crazy mind and I hope someday you find a woman who can rival that crazy and give W one hell of a run for her money.

I love you. I am sorry that love as usual just can’t be enough. It is just sooooo much right now. I could never manage it all. I know you understand. It is in your nature to be so understanding and so wonderful that it pains me to know how gone that is from me now. I really needed it yesterday. A swift kick in the ass would have been great for my wallowing about Dick.  I kicked myself just in case you wondered.

I am sorry that I don’t get to say Happy Birthday, or give you a birthday kiss.  Or even a birthday hug. I am thinking of you though. So at least that is something.  I loved how you always cheered me up, even when I was dead set on staying grouchy. I hope that GOD sends you an amazing woman I pray you promise to do the same for her. You deserve it more than anyone else.  I can hear what you say to that. So do I. I know. But you have been in the prison of W longer than I was in my own prison. I want you to have that love and wonder that was so brief to you and I. In glorious abundance.

I will always think of you, and I will always want you to be happy no matter what.   I am sorry that it couldn’t be me to make you happy. I am sorry that there are so many crazy factors in our lives right now that prevent anything good from coming from the wonderful crazy outburst of W.

The future is not ours to see. I will delight in what the Lord offers me. I will look upon the things that I did, ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that I have done, and I will move on to find out what this life has for me now that I am free to look upon it in wonder and awe.

Please think of me often and please attach none of this drama to it. I don’t want you to ever have that in your mind when you think of me. Think of the time we had a the most wonderful moment, and that it was amazing, and I will personally cherish it forever and a day.  You deserved a proper goodbye.

Always,

Lady X

Already Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
 I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone, Oooo, oh
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone…