Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

Advertisements

Selfish

I am selfish.

I hope this doesn’t surprise you. I have said on many occasions that I hate sharing my children with my ex. I continue to believe that a child deserves the best a parent can offer. He is losing his girls right before my eyes. I will not intervene. And I have warned him. But that is another post. The sharing thing is just one example of how I am selfish.

The other example is Joseph. I am terribly selfish. And lucky. That he understands and responds in kind the way I need him to.

See, Joseph is working on his degree. He has a degree in Audio Engineering. He used to work for Funimation. A huge company that produces a lot of Anime for this side of the world. Translating it. He even did voice overs as well as sound. His name appears in the credits of many things. He, however, decided that he wanted to do something that would keep him near his family. So he went back to school for Software Engineering. (I am going somewhere with this so bear with me)

Joseph, when we were dating, worked at Starbucks, as well as went to school. At the time that worked. For a while I was worried what would happen when the harder classes came up, and he would have to stop working. What would that be like? Would I be okay with that? Him not working. I grew up thinking that a man wasn’t worth much if he wasn’t working. So when the time came for him to stop working and focus on school, he had saved up a lot, and we lived off that savings and my income. That was fine. What happened next surprised me. I became accustomed to having him home with me. He went to school after the girls were off to school and then he would come home. We would spend the evenings as a family.

This spoiled me. Joseph and I have the same love languages. Touch and quality time. For me they go in that order, and I can tell you with almost certainty that his do as well. This makes for an amazingly easy relationship. It also makes for a high maintenance one. We require a lot of each other. A lot. I wish that I could say this bigger. We miss each other when we leave to do our daily things. We don’t leave the house without kissing the other goodbye. I wake him, every morning, at 4:18 am, to kiss him, say I love you and tell him that I will see him soon.

So last year, when summer came, he got a job. He did valet at the Gaylord for Park Place. He did valet in the past and he is good at it. So he was hired and we worked opposing shifts so that our girls are always covered. We work hard to keep them out of the hands of strangers.

I hated it. It was terrible. I slept alone till the middle of the night, he worked all my days off, and I was miserable. It wasn’t worth it. When it was finally over, and he went back to school I was relieved. Our time together was restored. We both recharge each other, and I was so drained. The quality time was taken away. Instead, stress and loneliness filled the space. He and I were too tired to spend time that was quality together, and the girls missed their evenings with him.

I vowed that when summer came this year, and the time for him to find a summer job was upon us that I would say no. I told him that I would not share him again. Money is just money. I don’t value things. I value people. He is my person. That special person that I swear GOD created just for me and my girls. He completes our family. I know that people make sacrifices to live a more easy life when it comes to money and finances. But I would rather be careful, and frugal, and skip this movie, and that time to go out or money on some hallmark holiday and instead save that so that we have more hours together as a family. This time we have with our girls is so short. We want to be there for them in each moment. So when people ask me if Joseph is going to work over the summer so we can save more, I say no. I would rather lose out on some trinket, and spend time together with my husband and our daughters, than miss hours with him for memories that are better made at home.

Together we grow and we work hard. He works hard educating himself so that he can be our provider. I work hard to see him succeed and to give our family a strong life and a strong sense of how important family is.

I need him by my side through all the little things. When our girls are all grown up, we will realize that all of those small things were really big things, and I will be glad that I sacrificed material things for family time that was so much more important than anything that money can by.

Together we are a team, and we are teaching our girls that even if you do things late in life and you don’t figure it all out when you are young, you can still have a bright, successful future if you believe and you work hard.

I will always be selfish for family time. For my girls, for my husband and even for me. We deserve that. Who can argue with that?

Always,

Just me.

Adversity

Adversity:

nounplural adversities for 2.
1.adverse fortune or fate; a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress:

A friend will show his or her true colors in timesof adversity.
You can only grow stronger in situations that provide you with adversity. Defined above as calamity or distress. I am taking a deep breath this morning and trying to learn from adversity.
What is affecting you so?
Well I will tell you. I still find myself working at Starbucks. 2 years as a shift supervisor and 3.5 as a partner. I am unsure if maybe I just go through bouts of wondering why I continue my employment at Starbucks. Most of the time when I am thinking of a job change (like this morning when I left work) I remind myself that I have pretty good insurance (even if I can’t afford to use it most of the time) and that I have a schedule that allows me to be home every afternoon and evening with my girls and my husband. These things are why I wake up every morning at 4am, trudge out of bed and find myself slinging coffee at 4:30a.
There is no small amount of responsibility that comes with the $1 an hour raise and the title “Shift Supervisor”. This morning was the definition of every part of my job and every part that I managed to botch up this week.
The first part was the opening a person short. So I got to do my job, then I got to do my other openers job. I am not mad at her, poor thing was ran off the road by some jerk who didn’t even stop to see if she was ok. She lost two tires and two rims and had to be picked up by her parents. I have no grief with her. It was rough though. You depend on your fellow partners to ensure you have an easy open. This is not always the case. So i took my short staffed open with a grain of salt. Grateful that my staff remained unhurt and I proceeded to try to get things done quickly. The day continued to be fail as our Sunday order wasn’t put in timely (not my fault) so they shipped us the auto order. Which is some wonky cruel Starbucks joke that doesn’t even come close to anything we actually order. EVER. So it becomes the day of hoping we have enough to get by.
Then we had a slow morning. Looked like the day might look up. Our customer count picked up speed and we found ourselves swamped. It is like being in a burning ship. All the customers look unhappy because you can’t move faster all the while you feel helpless to make them or your staff feel any better about being overwhelmed. When the next supervisor arrived, he didn’t check on the floor, he didn’t ask what needed done, he just started doing his own thing even though he wasn’t in charge. I don’t need that. I am the supervisor in charge. It seems this week that doesn’t matter. SO I was left to figure out my floor even thought I was supposed to leave at 10. When my tips person and the other supervisor remained unfinished with their tasks when it was time for me to send people and myself home, I stayed. I can’t leave my partners on the floor like that.
I won’t.
I have been left when it was just baristas, and no shift because they were late or some scheduling mishap. It is no fun, it is stressful and my staff doesn’t deserve that.
So I left 40 minutes late. I did the best I could to help.
The kicker to my day?
It was when I got scolded over the phone by my manager, who was not in the store today, about Sunday’s order (the one I didn’t do the the afore mentioned shift supervisor took from me last week), and then 10 minutes later scolded on a second phone call that I did not have time for but took anyway, to get told I should have noticed about the order black out for today. I am totally at fault for that. But I will accept only half the blame. As our manager did do her own ordering yesterday. Two of them. Meaning I am not the only one who missed the black out notice. So we didn’t double our order, so now we will be short on Thanksgiving.
So as I sit here venting, I know you think I am a giant complainer. Just wait. I am getting to the end of this.
First thing:
I am glad I have a job. Once that gives me the chance to spend time with my family. Not everyone has that. It may not be very grace giving right now, but not all days are bad. Not all days are frustrating.
Second thing:
I do love (for the most part) all of my coworkers. There are special ones in there that will go out of there way for each other. That alone can fix any day.
Lastly:
Me. The way that I deal with it all is a huge. I came home. I clutched my husband. He thanked me for working so hard, for dealing with so much so he can finish school and be my sugar daddy. (It’s gonna happen). His appreciation helps me so much.
When facing adversity you just have to grin, bear it, take it best you can and learn. Learn what you can from it. If you can learn, that is what makes you different from everyone else. If you can take what you see as bad and learn a lesson from it and move forward then you stepped forward instead of stepping back or stepping down into a grumpy dark place.
My final parting words before a well deserved hot bath and some lunch is this:
When adversity comes, that misfortune, the calamity, the distress that this life has to offer you, take a deep breath, put on your determined face and make it good anyways.  I know that isn’t always possible and I know sometimes it is harder than it feels like its worth. But take it from me, someone is learning from watching your adversity. Be a grand lesson in strength and determination. You are better than what you are going through.
All my love always,
Lady X

The Empty Womb

At the prompting of my sister and husband I am taking a walk through my feelings today.

See, I am struggling with the thought of never having another baby. Not just any baby. But my sweet husband’s baby. I have always wanted four. Not sure why. When I left my ex I was sure I wouldn’t meet anyone who would want a pre made family let alone want to add to it.

Now I find myself married to the most amazing man. And for nine months now we have been trying to get pregnant. I know that isn’t that long. I know that couples can spend years trying. For my brain I just hear myself saying, “You are in your mid thirties, you are passing that point of being able to have babies. You have other fertility issues. You should be grateful for what you have.”

I am grateful, by the way. I am more than favored by God to have beautiful daughters and an amazing husband who loves them so much they might as well be his actual daughters. They are for sure his in his heart.

So lately the baby thing is constantly in my face. Both of my sisters on my fathers side were pregnant and just labor day weekend my youngest sister had a beautiful baby girl. My other sister will be having hers in a few months. I also just found out a few days ago that the severe sickness my sister in law has been dealing with is not a virus. But a baby. She is just a few weeks pregnant. They don’t know I know. But I won’t lie when I say that I cried. They didn’t want a baby yet, and she was on birth control. To say I am sad, depressed, jealous, would all be honest. I wish no one anything bad in my jealousy. Many of my close friends know what a struggle and a huge want this is for me and my husband. I guess God isn’t ready for us to have a baby, doesn’t intend for us to have one, or wants me to stop worrying about it. (That last one for sure).  I know God is delaying us finding out anything about my fertility just on the note that my voicemails to my OB last week were lost. SO the window to have the procedure that looks to see if my fallopian tubes are obstructed from scar tissue from my endometriosis can’t be done now. We will have to wait till next month or just decide not to bother at all.

I spent some time looking around the other day. I have a lot. We aren’t well off and we spend lots of time broke, but we are rich in love, in family, in time together. Not everyone has that. Lots of people don’t. I am trying to spend more time remembering that the baby thing is just a want. I am not defined by my ability to carry a child. I am not more of a woman if I can have a baby. I have proven in three beautiful girls that it can.

What my heart and my head can’t wrap around is not being able to get pregnant when the one time in my life I don’t want it to be an accident. I want to conceive with my husband. The man who has gotten up with me every hour and a half for two months while our girls were sick with a nasty cough. The man who holds me while I cry and tells me that I am enough, that he loves me. That his feelings for me are for me. They aren’t based on my ability to give him a child. To carry a little piece of him and me. I cry as I type this. The love that shown in his face while he held me as the tears coated my cheeks as I let go of my fake strength and I held onto him and let him be strong. “I love you no matter what. We have the girls, and all of this life. That is something. I would lie if I said I didn’t want to have a child with you. But it isn’t something that we have to have, and it doesn’t change us.”

I realize as I type this that he lets me be a woman. All the emotionally mushy stuff that we are. He is the one I have finally let go. I can just be me. I don’t have to be strong all the time.

The last thing that is hard for me to grasp, and every woman who has struggled with this can relate, is having the decision taken from you. I guess maybe I don’t want to know if we can, or we can’t, have a baby. Then I don’t have to admit that either of us is broken. We can leave it up to God and he can choose to bless us with a child, or bless us with the family we have. Make no mistake though, I know we are looked upon with love and favor, and I will tell myself to always remember that so that in the times when I am overwhelmed by the world that I am surrounded by that I know that I am not alone, I am loved, and I am precious. Not just in the eyes of my creator, but in the eyes of my husband and my children. None of that is defined by what I can do for them, for what I can give them. It is defined by the love that I have for them.

That is all.

I hope that the couples that have no doubt struggled with fertility issues far longer than this will understand that I don’t in anyway feel like my struggle could compare. I know that it hasn’t been that long. 6 pregnancies and only 3 girls later, I know this. Life is precious. It is why we want to protect it. When we know how we can love a child, it makes the struggle so much more.

I pray for all the couples, the families that want a child, whether their own or adopted, and I pray they find peace, resolution and love that surrounds and abounds like a warm hug when things are low. I pray they are filled up with love and peace and that someday the needs and wants of their hearts are filled.

Always,

Lady X

Gone

This morning my sweet chorkie Luci passed away. We don’t know why she died. We just know that she left a little hole in our lives. She was a sweet girl, a real part of our family. She is being cremated and we should have her back at home in a few days. I know it is morbid. But I just can’t wait to have her back here. 

 

So I wrote her this cheesy poem. I hope you like it.

 

Gone

Hearts are heavy
An empty space
Nothing and no one
To take your place

The softest fur
The sweetest face
No doggy with more
Love or grace

Our lovely Luci
My fondest friend
My sweet sweet girl
Right to the end

She left us with no 
reason why
Just a blank space
And a quiet sigh

With happy hearts
We can say at least
She is with her mother
At rest and at peace

 

She was my dog. I loved her and she will be dearly missed.

 

Lady X

Wish Granted

So yesterday, when I told Joe that I had to take the girls to their dad’s he was sad. He thought we were going to get to go to the park this weekend and have a picnic with the kids. Well it turns out that our wish is granted.

My ex calls me yesterday to tell me he “accidentally” dumped all of his medicine in the toilet yesterday. The doctor won’t give him more, and he can’t get an appointment to see the doctor for at least a week. So the girls aren’t spending the weekend with their dad. Works out great for me and Joe because now he and I can take the kids to the park.

Not so great for the girls, whose hearts I get to break when I pick them up. They were so excited to get to go. I am going to do my best to make this a great weekend for them. Feed them junk food, let them eat ice cream. The works. Because they deserve more. And by golly if they can’t get it from their dad well I will be damned if they are going to miss out. Lots of love pouring out for my girls because I will always be there to pick up the slack.

Always pour out your love into your kids. You never know when they are going to need it the most.

 

Always,

Lady X

 

Home Sweet Home

The wonder of being home is having my girls within arms distance. It is wonderful and brilliant and makes my life lighter and easier. I feel very stressed out when the girls aren’t home. It is a long and painful weekend when they are gone. There is no end to the worrying and there is no end to me waiting for a text or a call to come and get them.

My ex isn’t a nice man. The drama over me going to New York was insane. He made my mom pick up Sarah and her “phantom” fever on Saturday night. I am sure to make me worry. She wasn’t sick at all. Then since my mom had to pick up Sarah and her sisters (based on his hurt hip from helping the girls clean their room) she had the girls, which in turn made my sister mad so that 15 seconds after I stepped off the plane back home I am in a huge fight with my sister over my ex ruining her weekend with the boys. The rare chance she decides to do something with the boys my ex ruins it and then creates a huge fight for me. 

I hate when he wins.

Then when all of that drama is over, resulted in Joe dragging me from my moms apartment so that I wouldn’t needlessly fight anymore. My mom took the girls back to John, because now that hes had a night off he feels much better and wants them back. I would keep them for myself if it wasn’t for the fact that the girls want to go be with him. 

So as I sit here, with the happy noise of my girls playing, Aimee drawing next to me, kisses from Sarah periodically and listening to Faith complain about computer time I am in bliss. Joe beside me grinding away at endless homework, movie plans in the works for later, and me, just happy to sit here and be in the midst of it all. Blessed beyond measure. Happy girl, blessed by God and just content to be me.

 

Love Always,

Lady X