Depressed about nothing?

Depression is scary. It is something that causes such problems in this world. 

I currently find myself fighting depression. This is a problem for me because I am sad about nothing. Which is frustrating and complicated. Let me explain.

A little more than a month ago my doctor stuck me on some anti-depressants to help reduce the sensitivity of my pain receptors for some pain I have in my side that is still there and still unexplained. Now it did it’s job perfectly. It got rid of my pain. But I got something I didn’t expect. I became depressed. I love that a medication that is designed to ward off this kind of thing can cause it in a person who isn’t depressed. 

The doctor has taken me off of it, and I find myself feeling worse all the time as I have to wait for my body to return to normal. I have been informed this could take 2-3 weeks. Brilliant. I love explaining daily to my children that I am not upset with them. I just feel super sensitive to everything and very overwhelmed by everything. It doesn’t take much. I fell behind on the laundry and nearly cried about it this morning.

The lucky part is that I have a strong support system and after reaffirming the kids I can at least breath easy that I don’t have to reaffirm Joseph. He has been depressed, he knows its the medication and he is being so wonderful and supportive in affirming me and lifting me up. I don’t think I could deal with all these ups and downs without him. It would be too hard. Too rough on me. 

So it is possible to be sad, and angry and hurt, and even depressed about nothing. It is the most frustrating thing (next to dealing with my ex) that I have dealt with in this life so far. I just have to remember that God is stronger than this and so am I. I can get through anything. I am tough, beautiful and I just have to wait this thing out. 

To anyone struggling with depression, please reach out for help. There are people who love you, and need you and want to help you reach a better place in this life. I never thought I would have to ask for help. That little extra love, that little extra push. But right now I need it, and I am glad that I can ask for and get help from those around me who love me.

All my love,

Lady X

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Home Sweet Home

The wonder of being home is having my girls within arms distance. It is wonderful and brilliant and makes my life lighter and easier. I feel very stressed out when the girls aren’t home. It is a long and painful weekend when they are gone. There is no end to the worrying and there is no end to me waiting for a text or a call to come and get them.

My ex isn’t a nice man. The drama over me going to New York was insane. He made my mom pick up Sarah and her “phantom” fever on Saturday night. I am sure to make me worry. She wasn’t sick at all. Then since my mom had to pick up Sarah and her sisters (based on his hurt hip from helping the girls clean their room) she had the girls, which in turn made my sister mad so that 15 seconds after I stepped off the plane back home I am in a huge fight with my sister over my ex ruining her weekend with the boys. The rare chance she decides to do something with the boys my ex ruins it and then creates a huge fight for me. 

I hate when he wins.

Then when all of that drama is over, resulted in Joe dragging me from my moms apartment so that I wouldn’t needlessly fight anymore. My mom took the girls back to John, because now that hes had a night off he feels much better and wants them back. I would keep them for myself if it wasn’t for the fact that the girls want to go be with him. 

So as I sit here, with the happy noise of my girls playing, Aimee drawing next to me, kisses from Sarah periodically and listening to Faith complain about computer time I am in bliss. Joe beside me grinding away at endless homework, movie plans in the works for later, and me, just happy to sit here and be in the midst of it all. Blessed beyond measure. Happy girl, blessed by God and just content to be me.

 

Love Always,

Lady X

Another Day

Another –adjective
1. being one more or more of the same; further; additional: another piece of cake.
2. different; distinct; of a different period, place, or kind: at another time; another man.
3. very similar to; of the same kind or category as: What we need today is another thomas jefferson.

When you lose a friend at the beginning it isn’t so bad. You are sad, you think of how you wish you could have done something that wouldn’t have resulted in such a tragic ending, (depending on how your friendship ended maybe it was tragic).

I recently lost a friend. No they didn’t die. I still actually know “where they are” so don’t feel led to contact the authorities.  For the sake of this blog we will call him Carlos. Carlos is the best friend ever. He listens, hes always there for you. You love him to pieces. Carlos was married to for the sake of the blog we will call her the wicked witch of the west. Or W for short. She wishes she was still married to Carlos, turns out having a baby with another man while married sends the current husband packing his bags.   I am not pointing cheating fingers, since I have my own checkered past and I am not interested in perching myself (currently) on the soap box of hypocrisy.  Everyone makes mistakes, and she married someone else so technically she kinda needs to live with hers.

She doesn’t like Carlos being my friend. Turns out, me and Carlos liked being friends, and then we liked being more than friends. I even contemplated a serious future with Carlos. Who doesn’t want a man that knows all of your emotional buttons as well as other buttons (wink).  So what happened you asked that you started off talking about losing friends?  Well I am so glad that you virtually asked.

At the tender beginnings of something more with Carlos, W found out something was going on. She confronted Carlos, only he wasn’t ready to tell. So he lied. Said we were just friends. So I told Carlos that was all we could be. Just friends. I have already done my fair share of secret keeping, I really don’t want any part of that. Well turns out he and I are not good at being just friends. And into another set of lets see if we can work this out, he decides that he can’t do it. He just isn’t ready to do something like this and he wants to get his life in order and get things with GOD back to the way they need to be. I am not a selfish person. So I say ok, this time though we are going to have to call it all quits till it is a better time for both of us.  It is obvious that we can’t just be friends. He agrees. Then sends me little messages asking me little adorable stupid questions for close to 3 weeks, then we talk on the phone, go see a band together.  And what happens? Well now we are just seeing what happens. See what comes of us and out attempting to be together thing.  This is where trouble happens.

First off, this is one of the few men on the planet who knows where my buttons are. I say few because the list of men who have had any access to my buttons is 3. So really, there could be loads! I just have no energy to be a slut so I stick with what I know.

So W finds out that we are talking again.  Yay! I love when news gets out.  Now this time I wasn’t a secret, I was just an omission since technically it isn’t her business what he does anyway right? So she finds out through her nosy friend who was supposed to be my friend but apparently has no loyalty when it comes to keeping a confidence. So now I am hearing about how she says if I ever go near her kids she will kill me. Oh great, its time to deal with the crazy. BTW, I hadn’t even seen her kids since last year and had no contact with them for any other reason. So why the death threat? Not sure. I can’t explain why other people are crazy, just why I am.

The crazy gets worse. I had blocked her facebook after she unfriended me during unhappy at my talking to her X the first time. So she sends me a text asking if I blocked her. Ok, I’ll bite. Yes I blocked you. Since you unfriended me. She went on to call me all sorts of wonderful things.  She told me to end things, that there was no future for us. Well I rebuffed all of these things. I said that I loved him,  and why couldn’t we have a future. This is the kicker. The thing that just wrecked it for me. She said that she would use his kids, and group up with my X so that they could make my life hell for as long as they could so I could never be happy. That he can be happy just never with me. Wow. What a giant selfish bitch. It must be awesome to be so full of self righteous bull shit.  On any other time in my life I might have been ready to fight the evil wicked witch of the west, and secretly I keep praying someone will come along and dump some water on the bitch and melt her. But instead I spend my day in the quiet contemplation of getting ready to break things off. For good this time. Honestly I can only handle so much stress and the upcoming divorce from me and my separated spouse along with all of the drama that an entire gaggle of children can throw at me.  Adding the fun of the crazy X is not in my plans. Nor do I believe that I can handle it. The proof is here in the next action that W decided to  make.

A restraining order.  On ME! This is laughable since I am the most harmless person in the world. I can’t take being called loads of names and then being told that I get to have a restraining order placed against me because I am a danger to others.  That really was the last straw for me. I hate having my name tarnished.

I sent off the email that I would stop talking to him, that I wouldn’t call or text or write. I don’t want to be the reason that anyone gets their kids held against them. I would have hated knowing that I had done that to someone I love. I am a lover, not a fighter. And I can’t fight the crazy battles that W was going to push my way. I told Carlos goodbye.

It was hard for me. Since I feel I loved having him as a part of my day, even if it was just a text or a call. He knew how to talk to me, how to soothe the crazy when my own crazy emerged. And it was nice feeling like I was part of something special. But all the love in the world doesn’t help when I would have to worry about my own kids danger when the crazy W comes calling. You know I would have done a lot, put up with a lot, to be happy and in love. But I won’t endanger my kids, and I won’t risk someone being punished because they either know me or “know me”.

I am sad that my goodbye was so short. I didn’t get the mushy movie goodbye that I would have prefered.

So my fake goodbye is here. All of the things I would have said if I had the chance. I know he won’t see it, but I am happy to have it out.

Dear Carlos,

I am so sorry for the way I ended things. Even though we can’t be friends in real life, you will always be my friend in my heart. I am so sorry that I am not strong enough to deal with W. She is out of her crazy mind and I hope someday you find a woman who can rival that crazy and give W one hell of a run for her money.

I love you. I am sorry that love as usual just can’t be enough. It is just sooooo much right now. I could never manage it all. I know you understand. It is in your nature to be so understanding and so wonderful that it pains me to know how gone that is from me now. I really needed it yesterday. A swift kick in the ass would have been great for my wallowing about Dick.  I kicked myself just in case you wondered.

I am sorry that I don’t get to say Happy Birthday, or give you a birthday kiss.  Or even a birthday hug. I am thinking of you though. So at least that is something.  I loved how you always cheered me up, even when I was dead set on staying grouchy. I hope that GOD sends you an amazing woman I pray you promise to do the same for her. You deserve it more than anyone else.  I can hear what you say to that. So do I. I know. But you have been in the prison of W longer than I was in my own prison. I want you to have that love and wonder that was so brief to you and I. In glorious abundance.

I will always think of you, and I will always want you to be happy no matter what.   I am sorry that it couldn’t be me to make you happy. I am sorry that there are so many crazy factors in our lives right now that prevent anything good from coming from the wonderful crazy outburst of W.

The future is not ours to see. I will delight in what the Lord offers me. I will look upon the things that I did, ask for forgiveness for the wrongs that I have done, and I will move on to find out what this life has for me now that I am free to look upon it in wonder and awe.

Please think of me often and please attach none of this drama to it. I don’t want you to ever have that in your mind when you think of me. Think of the time we had a the most wonderful moment, and that it was amazing, and I will personally cherish it forever and a day.  You deserved a proper goodbye.

Always,

Lady X

Already Gone – Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even without fists held high, yeah
Never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die

I didn’t want us to burn out
I didn’t come here to hurt you now
I can’t stop

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you’ll find another
That doesn’t always make you wanna cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn’t keep this love alive

You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
 I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone, Oooo, oh
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they’re haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

I want you to know
That it doesn’t matter
Where we take this road
Someone’s gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn’t have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I’m already gone

I’m already gone
I’m already gone
You can’t make it feel right
When you know that it’s wrong
I’m already gone
Already gone
There’s no moving on
So I’m already gone…

Furniture

You want to know what sucks about moving when you have lived in the same house with the same man for 9 years? Dividing your stuff up. Now this sounds terribly daunting right? Not so. I had no problem leaving most everything there.

Why you ask?

Well first I was moving into a tiny 2 bedroom apartment. Why would I want a ton of crap to put into it?

Second, I really didn’t want to take more stuff to remind me of what a failure I was as a spouse and how no matter how hard I had tried I just couldn’t make it work.

So when I sat down with my husband to discuss what I was taking it was simple. Or at least I thought it should be.

I am taking the washer and dryer, the sofas, and my personal belongings. You (mr. fired husband) can keep everything else. What does everything else look like? The king size bed and its pretty frame I chose, the dining room table, our new fridge, microwave and stove. The house, oh and the really big one, the RV.

So what do I get in return for leaving him with almost everything else? Complaints that I am taking the washer and dryer. I picked them out, so why shouldn’t I get to take them? Plus the thought of taking 3-5 children’s worth of laundry to the laundry mat sickens me and makes me almost need medical attention.

He tried to argue that I can’t take them. They are a fixture of the house.

Why are they a fixture?

Cause they plug in.

Is that the stupid or what? After some arguing I of course win, and the prize? Well the Washer and Dryer of course.  So we move on and he doesn’t care that I am taking the sofas cause he hates them anyways. I leave lots of the girls toys and the big tx, the ps2, our big king sized thousand dollar bed. I let him keep the RV, his truck and of course the house. So what is the point of this particular post? Not sure it has much of a point other than me wondering why I am again hearing through the grapevine (I must stop listening to this) that I am selfish and that I left him with nothing.  I took hardly anything when I left, I cleaned the house afterwards since his disability makes it hard for him to clean. Probably why he hasn’t cleaned hardly a thing in 6 years.

I just wonder why no matter what I do to be kind, and helpful and make the transition from married unhappy family, to a separated happy family is for nothing. It doesn’t matter what I do, I left, therefore I am the bitch, and that is my new forever title.

 

So I end this post with the knowing that if you are the one that leaves, no matter what you do to make it easier, and even if its the only thing you can do, you are still an asshole.

I am okay with that.

With love the asshole,

Lady X