Depressed about nothing?

Depression is scary. It is something that causes such problems in this world. 

I currently find myself fighting depression. This is a problem for me because I am sad about nothing. Which is frustrating and complicated. Let me explain.

A little more than a month ago my doctor stuck me on some anti-depressants to help reduce the sensitivity of my pain receptors for some pain I have in my side that is still there and still unexplained. Now it did it’s job perfectly. It got rid of my pain. But I got something I didn’t expect. I became depressed. I love that a medication that is designed to ward off this kind of thing can cause it in a person who isn’t depressed. 

The doctor has taken me off of it, and I find myself feeling worse all the time as I have to wait for my body to return to normal. I have been informed this could take 2-3 weeks. Brilliant. I love explaining daily to my children that I am not upset with them. I just feel super sensitive to everything and very overwhelmed by everything. It doesn’t take much. I fell behind on the laundry and nearly cried about it this morning.

The lucky part is that I have a strong support system and after reaffirming the kids I can at least breath easy that I don’t have to reaffirm Joseph. He has been depressed, he knows its the medication and he is being so wonderful and supportive in affirming me and lifting me up. I don’t think I could deal with all these ups and downs without him. It would be too hard. Too rough on me. 

So it is possible to be sad, and angry and hurt, and even depressed about nothing. It is the most frustrating thing (next to dealing with my ex) that I have dealt with in this life so far. I just have to remember that God is stronger than this and so am I. I can get through anything. I am tough, beautiful and I just have to wait this thing out. 

To anyone struggling with depression, please reach out for help. There are people who love you, and need you and want to help you reach a better place in this life. I never thought I would have to ask for help. That little extra love, that little extra push. But right now I need it, and I am glad that I can ask for and get help from those around me who love me.

All my love,

Lady X


Sleep, what is that?

I am starting to believe that sleep is for everyone but me. I have to get up in 5 hours for work, coffee for everyone! But alas I am awake and I am wishing I was sleeping. 

So here I am, panties and tank top,dark room, iPad, Dave Matthews singing to me. I am alone. Now this is not the usual lonely. I don’t feel lonely of companionship. Just alone in the sense that I am the only one awake, laying here wondering what coffee slinging looks like tired. Sigh.

Now, to think about sleep I would say that while I like a good coma lately my sleep isn’t very productive, my dreams are weird, I cant remember them most of the time and that is frustrating. What if I was having a great naughty dream and the couldnt remember? How terrible is that! Especially if I can’t come share it with you.

So I decided while laying here I would go through all my menstrual cycle data and see if I could find what I had lost. Well I did. While to may seem stupid to do at midnight, I can do it from bed in my undies with no extra effort and it helps for when I go to the lady doc to give her good info. (I have girl drama but I’ll save that for another post)

So I learn some things from the notes and emotions I had listed over the course of a few months last year. Kinda made me sad. While I was actively in love with Carlos, in my happy state, every time I posted emotions in regards to being in love, one of the emotions I listed feeling at the same time was Lonliness. Another was depression, and jealousy. Unhappy emotions to be associating at the same time with love. I want to spend time pondering what this might mean, if it means anything at all since if you have read any of my older posts you are more than up to speed on the dramtic beginnings and endings of the Carlos saga. You can see that it was filled with a lot of stress and anxiety and I am sure it is easy when surrounded by such painful stress that these kinds of emotions can be linked.

I am sure the ramblings of my sleepy brain at hardly worth reading. Summer is almost here, almost time for a little break. Camping soon to get away and then camping again as a family with my midgets in July. So much to want to find doing.

Lord let me sleep, take my weary brain and see that it sleeps.

And as Sade says, if it’s not asking too much, please send me someone to love.

With all my love always,
Lady X