Gone

This morning my sweet chorkie Luci passed away. We don’t know why she died. We just know that she left a little hole in our lives. She was a sweet girl, a real part of our family. She is being cremated and we should have her back at home in a few days. I know it is morbid. But I just can’t wait to have her back here. 

 

So I wrote her this cheesy poem. I hope you like it.

 

Gone

Hearts are heavy
An empty space
Nothing and no one
To take your place

The softest fur
The sweetest face
No doggy with more
Love or grace

Our lovely Luci
My fondest friend
My sweet sweet girl
Right to the end

She left us with no 
reason why
Just a blank space
And a quiet sigh

With happy hearts
We can say at least
She is with her mother
At rest and at peace

 

She was my dog. I loved her and she will be dearly missed.

 

Lady X

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Sadness

My heart aches for OK tonight. The loss of so many lives in something so tragic as a tornado. The loss of child life touches my deeply. I want to hug each mommy and daddy and tell them I am so so sorry. Tell them that God has a plan even though in that moment I am sure it sounds like crap. No one can imagine the pain you suffer at losing a child. I have had 3 miscarriages. 6 pregnancies and 3 live children. And I can’t even imagine the loss of a child that you have guided, hugged, kissed, tucked into bed, heard say I love you mommy, I love you daddy. All loss is tragic, this loss brings me to tears and makes me ache inside. I can’t imagine how these parents feel.

Take a moment and pray, send happy thoughts, send money via red cross. Recognize that these people have been tragically effected by these storms. Send them some loves. And Hug your babies. No matter how old they are. Think about the parents in Oklahoma tonight who in a matter in 40 minutes time (the life cycle) and the worst of it (about 15 minutes) took the lives of their children and their loved ones that they will never hug again. Spend a moment in gratitude and thankfulness for what you have. And send them prayer that they can make it through this time where they learn to deal with never hugging their children or their husband or their wife or mom or sister or brother or father ever again.

Life is lived in seconds. It is lost in seconds, and it can be taken away from you in an instant.

All my love always,

Lady X

Inside out

My emotions are on high today. I’m feeling all ofit bubbling just below the surface. I’m glad none of it has anything to do with my kids which is great. The problem lies with my mom again. She has kidney stones. She went via ambulance to the emergency room last night and the cat scan showed kidney stones. And a spot on her lung. Since she has no medical history because she has never had insurance they cant tell us if it’s scar tissue or a new problem since she just recently had so many rumors removed with her hysterectomy that she had a few months ago. Is possible she has more problems we don’t even know about.

Couple this with my realization of just how deeply I am in love with joe and I’m on an emotional roller coaster today and I just want the ride to take a break. I don’t mind the twists the turns and the upside downs, but my insides feel like they are falling out and I feel like I tearing at the seams.

I told joe last night that everything sucks, that I miss him and that with my mom in the hospital and him so sick still I feel like I’m being ripped apart at the seams. Too many people I love all broken.

He comforted me marvelously. He told me “I just wish I could give you a nice big hug, you know, to squeeze those seams back together.”

I’m holding it together, exhausted from being up to late with emergency room drama and then needing to be at work at 4a. Thanks Starbucks for thinking I need to be up this early.

All of this just pulls the mortality of this priceless short life into my full view. It is dark and hard to look at and my eyes,my heart, want to turn away and not look. Pretend that the cruel truth of this life is that my mom will die and leave me someday and I won’t have her to lean on and depend on. I feel scared that I love Joe so much that if I lost him it may actually be harder than my ordeal with Dick. (see my long emotional story post for that back story)

I guess all of this brings forward the human fear of loss. And we all have it. If we are human. And I just don’t like it being at the fore front of my exhausted brain this morning.

I will still love without reserve. I will tell my mom how amazing she is, how I love her more than the stars, and I will make sure she knows that I would choose her as my mom ove rand over no matter what the choices because she taught me the best kind of love.

I will tell Joe in no uncertain terms, that I love him, that I’m giddy and happy to be with him no matter what that looks like in the future and no matter what happens ever.

I will hug my kids and slather them in love. Make them know just how much and deep my feelings are.

I will tell my friends they are wanted and amazing and appreciated.

My lunch is almost over so I will take my emotions and swallow them with my Xanax since I’m drive thru bar and I need to be able to focus.

I send you off today with all my love.

Goodbye

Life so big
Life so small

Being a person
With no time at all

In a blink of an eye
All gone and no more

Sitting on the curbside
Near heavens door

Why so sad?
Why so low?

Life was too short
My Lord you know

Be comforted in love
Be happy in death

Be assured that they knew you loved them
Be comforted that you are missed

Look towards the earth
See all their tears

Love them as you would
We’re you still near

Be free of your fear
Be free of your pain

Your love with draw you To them
It will bring you back again

This poem is very sad and dark but it is what was on my heart. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme)

The Deep

So while floating adrift in the water, and looking at my hands in the water, my morbid brain thought up a poem about drowning. So here it is for your creepy pleasure.

Splashing cold
Splashing fun

Till inky blackness steals the sun

The weight of all that is to be
Crashes down all over me

Till there is nothing but the cold
A quiet that breaks every mold

Nothing left
Nothing gained

Nothingness is what remained

Always yours,
Lady X

Time

Time –noun
1. the system of those sequential relations that any event has to any other, as past, present, or future; indefinite and continuous duration regarded as that in which events succeed one another.
2. duration regarded as belonging to the present life as distinct from the life to come or from eternity; finite duration.

I talk about time a lot. It could be because I feel like I never have enough of it. I feel it is taken for granted the time we have here. I worry sometimes that I am wasting as I sit here typing. I enjoy writing these posts, and since somebody is reading them I like to think that it isn’t a total waste of my time.

So as I sit here this morning and contemplate the idea of time, I think about Carlos. Since he and I have been together I have felt like our time is limited. As if an invisible hourglass is ticking away. Counting down to our last moment as a couple. Since I feel this countdown pressing down upon me I like to think that I do my best to make the most out of the time God has given me with him. I am reminded daily about how short this life is. One of my very best friends’ Dad died a few days ago. He is heartbroken and I hurt for him. There isn’t much you can do when someone loses a loved one except be there for them. If I could I would fly down and help him during all this time. He is making all the plans and getting everything ready. I can’t imagine how hard that is. I just continue to pray for him, for peace, for a good memory to remember all of the amazing things that he had with his Dad.

Since death is the only thing that is certain in this life I say love someone today. Feel the outpouring of God’s love as he loves you as you love others. It is a wonderful cycle. To my friend who lost his Dad. I am thinking of you, praying for you, and sending hugs and love to you from far away wishing that I could do more.

Make sure the people you love know you love them. It is terrible if they don’t know because you may not always be around to share it with them.

All my love and prayers for you,
Lady X

One Sweet Day – Mariah Carey and Boys 2 Men

Sorry, I’ve never told you, all I wanted to say
And now it’s too late to hold you
‘Cause you’ve flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feelin’ and knowing you, hear me
It keeps me alive, alive

And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day
Eventually I’ll see you in Heaven

Darling, I never showed you
Assumed you’d always be there
I, I took your presence for granted
But I always cared
And I miss the love we shared

I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day
Picture a little scene from Heaven

Although, the sun will never shine the same
I’ll always look to a brighter day
Yeah, Lord, I know, when I lay me down to sleep
You will always listen as I pray

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day

And I know you’re shining down on me from Heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day

Sorry, I never told you
All I wanted to say

Time Limits

Limit –noun
1. the final, utmost, or furthest boundary or point as to extent, amount, continuance, procedure, etc.: the limit of his experience; the limit of vision.
2. a boundary or bound, as of a country, area, or district.

Life has a time limit. It is a tragic concept that honestly even in my 30’s now I still have trouble grasping. I am sure it is because I am still subscribed to a monthly subscription of “I hope I am invincible” magazine.

A close friend of mine’s brother died 3 years ago yesterday. I see the pain that he and his wife are suffering and I morn their loss. I feel their pain, and while I know I could never feel their pain the way they do, I hurt knowing that they lost someone that was amazing and wonderful and a huge blessing to them.

So this post is for everyone who has lost someone and is morning that loss. I send my thoughts and prayers through the internet for you and let you know that while we can’t know GOD’s plan and we can selfishly beg for him to let our sick and pained loved ones stay sometimes the answer is no. And even though it feels terrible, it hurts and sometimes we don’t know how to go on, we can know that GOD is a big God, and it is one of those moments when he knows best, and we will understand someday when he takes us home.

This life is just a breath, a sigh in the wind and then it is gone. Take a moment to breath in your grief and be thankful for that breath and remember that no matter what, even if I don’t know you that I am praying that in this moment your grief is lessened. Even if it’s just for a second.

Prayers and love,

Lady X