Be Loved

I feel blessed.

I look back at the Facebook feed and wonder how I got this far. My girls are growing so fast, and each day I have the chance to be my husband’s wife. I literally don’t need anything else. I know there are people on this planet striving for greatness. The recognition of being in front of people and having them applaud your hard work is great. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I truly only ever wanted to be a mom. (The wife thing was second but it sure has been amazing now)

Life didn’t go exactly the way that I wanted to go. I got married and had 3 girls with the wrong guy. I stayed with the wrong guy for 14 years. I fell in love while married, with one of my best friends, and then he found a real girl. He let me go the day before my 30th birthday and I struggled to find my way. (I still haven’t seen that friend in 20 years now BTW) Once I found my way, I picked my girls up and moved out on my own.

I lost my ability to do what I wanted, which was to be a stay at home mom. I longed to be with my kids every day. But that was taken from me. I fell in love again with a friend who stuck by me through all the crazy, but then had to let that go when it just was too overwhelming and not what was in God’s plan.

Mistakes and mistakes later (that sounds like a lot but really much less than you think) I found Joseph. My love. The person who helps support and feed my soul.

Why did I break all of this down for you? Because I don’t know where you are in your journey in this life. Maybe you lost the love of your life and you don’t know what to do?

Maybe you have lost your job, or maybe something that I can’t even imagine. But I know that you can recover. How do I know?

Through emotional abuse, drug induced rape, drama, trauma, and problems. I made it through. I know you can to.

Today’s message for you is, you are loved. No matter where you are. Broken and battered. You can recover. If you need permission to do so then here it is. Move past the hurt of yesterday. Move past the part of you that is lingering in the past and the problems of everyday. You are bigger than that. Created to be so much more than just Life’s pinata.

I believe in you

You have value

You are Worth it

I found love and life in the most unsuspecting place. Starbucks. Now nearly 4 years of marriage and almost 6 years since he first kissed me (February of 2018) I am so grateful for every failed moment. Every bad experience. It got me here. To this place of happy.

Don’t get me wrong, things are not perfect. I have bad days, or weeks, I find my self stuck in the occasional rut where I feel it all falling apart around me. But I remember that my God is bigger than my drama. That I can make it if I push past the feelings of this moment.

If you need a cheerleader, please reach out to me. No one has to make this journey alone.

 

Always Me,

Tiarra

 

 

 

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The Ex

Ex –noun Informal .
a former spouse; ex-wife or ex-husband.

Every adult on this planet can say that they have an “X”. This is the person that while you may have shared nice or pleasant times with currently is referred to by the derogatory letter X. X is a negative letter to begin with. Cartoons put it on the eyes of deceased characters so it represents death. So we can know that when someone refers to their “X” most of the time, it isn’t in the light of positive thinking. Honestly, its the letter that signifies that this conversation is officially about to begin with the faults of someone you no longer care much for. So get ready for it, the title says it all. I am getting ready to complain about someone. And they are in fact my “X”.

I left my husband this year. I left for lots of reasons. And if you talk to any of my family (they chose him after I left and let me say good riddance. If that was how I could have gotten them all to leave me be that alone was a good reason to leave) they will tell you that I had no reason to leave.   That is all well and good.  I don’t care what others think about my reasons to go. I can assure you though that they were good enough for me and for my kids and that is all that matters. I am not complaining currently about why I left. Those reasons can be saved for another post. Today’s current gripe is about how wonderful it must be to be him now.

We will for the sake of this blog give him the name Bob. Since I prefer to remain Annoymos for this blog you blog readers can call me Lady X.  And if you ask nicely someday I will explain the name to you.

When I left, Bob complained that he was never gonna see his kids. That he would miss them too much. That he wanted to do a week on, and a week off. This schedule was unacceptable to me. I didn’t want their lives disrupted more than they needed to be.  The first few weeks after I left we tried to work out the details of visitation. How fun. Let me say this, people want to sound better than they are. So I am convinced that all this talk of seeing the kids and wanting to be there was actually an act and not necessarily for me. More for himself since I think he was relieved when we were gone.

I don’t want to sound that way so for the sake of argument I will say that when it comes to my kids I am selfish. I really don’t want to share them. And I promise that no single parent does. No matter how great their “X” may be. They don’t. It’s a pain in the ass to be tied to someone that you no longer get alone with, don’t like or just plain don’t have any interest in dealing with the fact that they occupy a place on this planet still. Now knowing that I want what is best for my girls beyond my selfishness. I want them to know their dad. And not in the way I know him. Which would be a giant selfish prick. So I want them to see him regardless of my selfish ways.

Bob and I sat down at the table in what was “our” house but is now his house cause I hated it there and didn’t want it when I decided I was finished. He made sure to let me know he was mad that he wasn’t going to get one week on and one week off. Then he told me he wanted at least 9 days a month. Bob has health problems and to be honest I wonder all the time how he doesn’t just die when no one is looking based on that. Keep the kids all the time with the health problems?  This becomes and issue for me since I know how he gets when his pain is ramped up. He turns into Mr. Hyde. And if you understand this reference you know that Mr. Hyde is a giant asshole and you just don’t want him venting on your kids.

After going over this idea that he wants 9 days, I ask how he is going to do it. Are you going to pick up our oldest from school and then take her to school on this random day during the week that you want to keep them?

Bob: No, I don’t think I can handle sitting in the line to drop them off or pick them up.

Me: Well then you can’t keep them overnight during the week. You have to think of something else.

This went on for a while and it ended up that we are set up on the same schedule that every single parent that doesn’t have the kids all the time gets. Every other weekend and every Wednesday. The kicker and why I am complaining in the first place. Here it is.

First: He is barely able to keep them for the alotted time set up above. This means that sometimes I get a phone call on Wednesday asking if he can switch or not have them at all cause he just hurts too much. Some of you will think that it is noble that he lets me know. So he doesn’t freak out at the kids. Well one of the things he did when we lived together was to hurt too much when he was needed and not at all if he wanted to go do something. So honestly I have to say that I question 50% of his too much pain days. And that is a low number I am putting out in order to be fair.

Second: I get to hear through the lovely grapevine (only believe half of what you hear) that I “keep” the kids from him. Like I am hoarding them selfishly in my tiny apartment not letting them see him. This is so not how it is. If the girls ask to see him I call and ask him if they can. I am not however his cheerleader. So I am not going to pester them and hound them about if they need to call or see their dad. Simply not my job anymore.

Third: He never calls them. There are 7 days in a week. With thousands of opportunities for him to call. 5 days a week I let the kids call their dad before bed. 2 days a week he might actually remember to call them. He never calls any other time. And rarely do the kids ask to talk to him. You know why? No really, I am asking you why. I honestly have no idea why the kids don’t ask about their dad more or want to talk to him and I really can’t figure out why he doesn’t call all the time. I try to call and text when I don’t have them to check on them. Why wouldn’t a father want to talk to their child?

So why am I standing on my soap box currently you ask? Am I simply here to just complain about my X? No, I am here to say that I don’t understand why after all the complaining in the beginning about missing his children. Not getting to see them all the time, and telling people how I am selfishly keeping the girls away that the contact between him and the kids is so minimal. I just want to understand why being a jerk is okay when you are the one that never has the kids. Must be nice to pick and choose the parts you want.

I am sure that last sentence puts me up for some attitude from others since I am in fact the one who left so I put him in the situation to be around his kids less, and I have already stated that I am selfish and don’t want to share so why would I care?

Here is why I care. The kids love him, and want to spend time with him. And I know they miss him. I also know that they are young, and kids bounce back. So the choices he makes now are the ones that he will have to live with later. The more they see him uninterested unless its good for him the more likely that he is going to get that in return later.

So everyone has an “X” that they deal with occasionally and those of you with kids realize that since you can’t get rid of your “X” that you are actually stuck with them just as the marriage vows say “till death do you part”. So I say take a moment and sigh with me that your “X” sucks, and a wonderful thing that can get you through a crappy day is to know that you can always make a blog and complain about it later. 🙂

 

All the best,

Lady X