Depressed about nothing?

Depression is scary. It is something that causes such problems in this world. 

I currently find myself fighting depression. This is a problem for me because I am sad about nothing. Which is frustrating and complicated. Let me explain.

A little more than a month ago my doctor stuck me on some anti-depressants to help reduce the sensitivity of my pain receptors for some pain I have in my side that is still there and still unexplained. Now it did it’s job perfectly. It got rid of my pain. But I got something I didn’t expect. I became depressed. I love that a medication that is designed to ward off this kind of thing can cause it in a person who isn’t depressed. 

The doctor has taken me off of it, and I find myself feeling worse all the time as I have to wait for my body to return to normal. I have been informed this could take 2-3 weeks. Brilliant. I love explaining daily to my children that I am not upset with them. I just feel super sensitive to everything and very overwhelmed by everything. It doesn’t take much. I fell behind on the laundry and nearly cried about it this morning.

The lucky part is that I have a strong support system and after reaffirming the kids I can at least breath easy that I don’t have to reaffirm Joseph. He has been depressed, he knows its the medication and he is being so wonderful and supportive in affirming me and lifting me up. I don’t think I could deal with all these ups and downs without him. It would be too hard. Too rough on me. 

So it is possible to be sad, and angry and hurt, and even depressed about nothing. It is the most frustrating thing (next to dealing with my ex) that I have dealt with in this life so far. I just have to remember that God is stronger than this and so am I. I can get through anything. I am tough, beautiful and I just have to wait this thing out. 

To anyone struggling with depression, please reach out for help. There are people who love you, and need you and want to help you reach a better place in this life. I never thought I would have to ask for help. That little extra love, that little extra push. But right now I need it, and I am glad that I can ask for and get help from those around me who love me.

All my love,

Lady X

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Sleep, what is that?

I am starting to believe that sleep is for everyone but me. I have to get up in 5 hours for work, coffee for everyone! But alas I am awake and I am wishing I was sleeping. 

So here I am, panties and tank top,dark room, iPad, Dave Matthews singing to me. I am alone. Now this is not the usual lonely. I don’t feel lonely of companionship. Just alone in the sense that I am the only one awake, laying here wondering what coffee slinging looks like tired. Sigh.

Now, to think about sleep I would say that while I like a good coma lately my sleep isn’t very productive, my dreams are weird, I cant remember them most of the time and that is frustrating. What if I was having a great naughty dream and the couldnt remember? How terrible is that! Especially if I can’t come share it with you.

So I decided while laying here I would go through all my menstrual cycle data and see if I could find what I had lost. Well I did. While to may seem stupid to do at midnight, I can do it from bed in my undies with no extra effort and it helps for when I go to the lady doc to give her good info. (I have girl drama but I’ll save that for another post)

So I learn some things from the notes and emotions I had listed over the course of a few months last year. Kinda made me sad. While I was actively in love with Carlos, in my happy state, every time I posted emotions in regards to being in love, one of the emotions I listed feeling at the same time was Lonliness. Another was depression, and jealousy. Unhappy emotions to be associating at the same time with love. I want to spend time pondering what this might mean, if it means anything at all since if you have read any of my older posts you are more than up to speed on the dramtic beginnings and endings of the Carlos saga. You can see that it was filled with a lot of stress and anxiety and I am sure it is easy when surrounded by such painful stress that these kinds of emotions can be linked.

I am sure the ramblings of my sleepy brain at hardly worth reading. Summer is almost here, almost time for a little break. Camping soon to get away and then camping again as a family with my midgets in July. So much to want to find doing.

Lord let me sleep, take my weary brain and see that it sleeps.

And as Sade says, if it’s not asking too much, please send me someone to love.

With all my love always,
Lady X

Stress

Stress –noun
1. importance or significance attached to a thing; emphasis: to lay stress upon good manners.
2. Phonetics . emphasis in the form of prominent relative loudness of a syllable or a word as a result of special effort in utterance.
3. Prosody . accent or emphasis on syllables in a metrical pattern; beat.

(better word title for this post, anxiety)

Anxiety –noun, plural -ties.
1. distress or uneasiness of mind caused by fear of danger or misfortune: He felt anxiety about the possible loss of his job.
2. earnest but tense desire; eagerness: He had a keen anxiety to succeed in his work.
3. Psychiatry . a state of apprehension and psychic tension occurring in some forms of mental disorder.

Anxiety is something I hate. And this morning I woke up with that wonderful foreboding feeling. I am not sure the origin of this stressful feeling. Maybe from my post about Carlos. I don’t know. I just long for it to go away. Leave me feeling of stress. Leave me feeling of anxiety and fear. I no longer wish to house you inside my brain or my stomach for that matter. I do not want to live in that prison.

I will have hope that this feeling is nothing. Experience leads me to think otherwise. I will have hope that this feeling will leave me and I will be filled with light, and love and with ambition to complete all the things that would give me a peaceful, and restful weekend. So here is the song of the day. It speaks to me today, and leaves me with hope.

The Cave – Mumford and Sons

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s hand

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again