Growing Together

Joseph and I met as he was just going back to school. He was an audio engineer for Funimation, and had decided that instead of moving to Hollywood or LA to seek his Audio engineer fortune, that he would go back to school to become a software engineer.

I have been working as he goes to school now, since we met. It has always been my goal to see him finish his degree. Of course, so that he can become my sugar daddy and I can write books and continue my work for OnFire Books from the comfort of any place that I would like to be.

The journey towards his sugar daddy status began during the Job Fair at UTA. He had a prime target for summer internships, USAA, and he scored an interview with them the very next week. Once interviewed he got an email outlining the next steps to ensure his internship. Which brings me to the point of this post. My love is in San Antonio tonight. Flew out this morning to the head quarters for USAA for his final interview. I have total faith that he is going to get it. He is an amazing and intelligent man. I don’t say that because I am biased. (Though I am) I say it because he truly is. God has given him so many talents. He accessed both his left and right brain and for that I remain jealous.

The one thing that this new adventure shows me is how we are growing. We both knew that even though it is barely two days away, (he will be home tomorrow night), we will both miss each other and wish that we were together. He took me along the river walk with him. Sending me photos to show me the sights, because he wished I had been there too.

There is something wonderful to being with someone who understands you, who cares about your feelings and all your crazy nuances. He gets me. It melts my heart and makes each day more worth it than the last.

As the girls and I prepare for bed, as I say our prayers, and as I read them their story I am reminded that he is our rock. The girls miss him when he is gone and I feel l a little lost. Like a broken doll. The piece will be back.

He is my puzzle piece. And being without him is hard. But we are growing. And I know in growth is where all the good and big things happen. Gives us this growth oh Lord. We are ready! Life is full of a series of hard events. I will be strong and I will wait for him. God will keep him safe or me and bring him home.

 

 

 

 

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Everyday

I am reminded by the events that have transpired over the last few days about how precious life is. Every single day we are in a fight for our lives. Whether we think about it that way or not, it is true.

We have loved ones who are fighting cancer or some other life threatening illness. Each day that passes we are closer to death than we would ever care to think about. With the realization that I want to leave behind more than memories that will fade with time I want to create a place to leave my words. While I have left them here for years I want them to bear meaning. Something that people will learn from.

I have been more than fortunate. I had my appendix nearly explode when I was two. I dodged death as a child with severe asthma many times, several week long stays admitted into the hospiI Was hit by a car while riding my bicycle 4 different times. Who gets hit on their bike that many times and walks away with little to no injury? Someone who GOD has big plans for. I had two emergency C-sections. I was in an abusive relationship, where at the end I was afraid for my life and my daughters.

Why did I tell you all of this? To show you that so many of these instances could have ended my life. God had bigger plans. What am I to do with this time that he as given me over and over? I want to live. To love. To make a difference in people’s lives. To share other people’s stories. 

I have been told many times by my mentor that words matter. That words are currency. That my Legacy is more than my daughters. 

I believe her.

I am taking action. Making a pact. To live each day to the fullest. Not in some empty and sentimental way that is just to look good on paper. For real. Working hard to make a postive impact on every life that I come in contact with. I want people to see me and see a light. A beacon of hope and of energy. Someone who lifts people up. 

Make this pact with me. Live everyday. Make a difference in someone’s life. And make sure you know that you are here for a reason. 

Everyone has a purpose. Whether or not you research and give yourself the value you deserve so you can accomplish that purpose is solely dependent on you and how you decide to live. Will you live in this moment? Will you wait for a better one? Every moment is worth something. Don’t waste this moment because it doesn’t meet your standards as a moment worth living. If you don’t value all you can learn from the bad moments, and the okay moments, and even the every day average moments, then do you truly deserve to have out of this world moments? Amazing, once in a lifetime moments happen everyday. Just look yourself in the eye and remember that this moment matters. This moment is important. Grow. Learn. Live. And above all, love. Love like there is no tomorrow.

There just might not be.

It’s been 5 years

Since he first kissed me. Life has never been bigger and more full. Thank you God for my husband.

We truly did fall in love in a coffee shop. Here is to 100 years or more. As Florence said in one of her songs. Maybe I will see you in another life. Cause this one wasn’t enough.

 

Landon Pigg – Falling in love at a Coffee shop

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you
Yes, there’s a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you
I’ve seen the paths that your eyes wander down, I wanna come too
I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you

No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me

I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you
Yes, there’s a chance that I’ve fallen quite hard over you
I’ve seen the waters that make your eyes shine, now I’m shining too
Because, oh, because I’ve fallen quite hard over over you

If I didn’t know you, I’d rather not know
If I couldn’t have you, I’d rather be alone

I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew

I never knew just what it was
About this old coffee shop I love so much
All of the while I never knew
All of the while, all of the while it was you

My Love

It’s been so long since I wrote something for my husband. This came to me today.
Oh love,
Where can I find words that truly reach to the heart of my deepest feelings of love for you? Do I educate myself in quantum physics and quantum mechanics and see if I can quantify the love I have for you in scientific terms?
Do I travel the world and learn many languages so that I can see the words and ways that all cultures use the word love?
I think instead, I shall spend all the moments of my days, every second we have, showing you with my words, my actions, my hands, these lips and all of my curves. My heat and passion. You my love, are my soul mate, my other half, my husband, my best friend, and my forever.
I love you.

Unforgiveness

We think about forgiveness in terms of the need for us to forgive someone who did us wrong. I think sometimes we forget the part where we need to forgive ourselves for what has happened. Not everyone thinks about needing to forgive oneself. I surely didn’t think I needed to forgive myself for anything. I enabled by bad marriage, but I didn’t cause the emotional abuse I suffered. So why would I need to forgive myself? 
I have always been willing to accept my 50% blame for what happened in my marriage. I enabled it from day one. From lying to my mom about dating him, to saying I wanted to be a virgin when I got married and then still let him have sex with me. To begging him to stay when we had a fight, when he was just pretending to leave to make me vulnerable and scared. (He told me this later during his anger Councilling when they told him to tell me all the things he had done over the years) 

I let this behavior happen so it is partially my fault.  I have never thought that maybe I have been holding a grudge against myself. I would do it all again. Every time. Like Groundhog Day (that movie with Bill Murray, where the day happens over and over) I love where I am. I love my upgrade husband, and I am the luckiest mom ever of three gifted and intelligent little girls.

So why would I be holding stuff against myself?

Well, lately my anxiety has been off the charts crazy. I’m stressed and every little thing I get wrong is causing me to doubt myself. Doubt who I am. If I am a good mom, if I’m a good wife. Why would I stress about things I know are true?

Unforgiveness. 

I have forgiven my girls father for his part in our broken marriage and family. I feel sorry for him now. In his brokenness he is alone. He sees his girls less than once a month now it seems, and talks to his girls maybe twice a month. It is sad to see. He is sick in more than just his body. One of my best friends, and mentor, talks about his spirit of infirmity, and how he is defeated by it. It’s true. I am past holding grudges. I have forgiven.

I now see though that perhaps, the person I haven’t forgiven is me.

That sounds crazy. Doesn’t it?

I have an amazing husband, who is literally my soul mate, he is there for me when I need it, builds me up, holds me when I’m falling apart for what seems like no good reason. I’m starting to think that I have yet to forgive myself. 

I’m going to do something now that is super open and super hard. I am going to list all of the ways that I feel I have failed myself and my husband and especially my girls. And then I am going to let it all go. I’m going to remember all the good.

The ways that I have failed myself are so many. I failed to hold myself at a higher standard. 

To give myself value. To grow as a person with likes and dislikes. To enjoy things, like sunset, and good food, and good company, and friends, and being my own person. I failed to choose anything that didn’t make someone else happy or fulfilled. Failed to learn things that I liked as I got older. Failed to choose love and passion over thinking that this is the best you deserve. Better take it now. I failed to see my beauty, my smarts, my artistic side. I hid myself away, and by doing that I failed to see all the things that I could do. 

I failed my girls in the beginning, when they were small. I hate that I didn’t see it sooner. I failed to keep them safe. I worried so much at night that he would freak out and we wouldn’t see the next day. I failed to show them what a good marriage with respect and honor look like. I failed to show them good self astheem and that its okay to cry and that sometimes you can’t be strong. I failed to shield them from being used as a weapon when the end of my previous marriage was near. I failed to stand up for myself in front of them when it mattered the most. 
I have even failed my sweet and wonderful husband Joseph. Luckily for me, every time I feel that I have failed him, during my panic attack where all I can do is cry and hold him and apologize for not being stronger, or better, or not have anxiety. 

There is something wonderful though, that has happened amidst all this failure. I know it happened. I have evaluated every single moment, analyzed it with complete clarity. I learned something. 

The girls have seen me be strong now. I stood up for myself and I left. I told him he could never treat me that way again, and then I made that true so the girls would see it every interaction. They have seen me be smart and artistic. They have seen me be loved with honor and respect.  I have gone over my failings with them and worked hard to right each one. I have made sure that they know they are loved, smart and valued. That they can do big things. I will continue to lift each of them up everyday. In prayer, in life, and bring them up to know love, to know value, to know giving. 

I know that I am worth it now. I know that they are worth it. My husband and my sister and my friends remind me all the time.

So for now, I am going to continue working on forgiving myself. I know that I can’t just say it. I’m going to keep working on myself. In order to be a great wife and mother, I have to be a great me. So I will keep working on me. You should take this little piece of advice. Search your heart, think about Unforgiveness and remember that Unforgiveness doesn’t just apply to how you feel about others. You have to forgive yourself too.
All my love,

Tiarra

The Conversation

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100 world changers in a forest, surrounding campfires and talking about life’s great mysteries. Things like Legacy, Blind Spots, Impact, and Wisdom.

Here I was, surrounded by people who change lives daily and I was intentionally asked to be there.

Meeting everyone was one of the best part. I talk to many of these people on a semi regular bases and it was great putting faces to names.

When we sat down for that first conversation, Blind Spots, I was excited to hear the experiences and perspective of others in an area that no one is free from having. More than hearing other people’s perspective, I became excited to share mine. To share my experiences, my knowledge and I even surprised myself by having some to offer. At the end of that first conversation, several people came up to me to offer thanks and were surprised at how well I spoke. My response: You can’t work with Tammy Kling for 10+ years and not learn anything. I am a sponge. She is a wealth of knowledge and I try to make sure that she knows how much I appreciate her years of coaching.

I know I have learned a lot from her but I was as much surprised as anyone else. Instead of stuttering umms and gaps in thought when someone said something that sparked a new way to think about something or a new eye opening realization I spoke up. I let myself be heard.

Of all the things that I could have gleaned from being a participant and an igniter at The Conversation, I think the biggest thing I learned is that I have more to offer than even I know. There are still things I have to learn about me. That is exciting and scary for me all at the same time. That is how I know that it is me growing. The people that I am surrounded by are awesome men and women of God. Ready to share their knowledge with me.

The Conversation I didn’t get to participate in was Legacy. I just want to say something about Legacy since I didn’t get to talk about it last night.

There are so many things that we can leave our children. In this technology driven world we can leave them financial security, our things, stability. We can teach them our drive, and what makes things work.

It isn’t enough.

I went through a lot so far in this life, though others have surely endured more, and I have learned something that inspired me, and made me brave when it was time to transition and grow into a new stronger me. I learned that strength and fear are important. I learned that even if you are afraid of getting out of the hole you dug yourself in, or the life that you have built around you, you can still do it. I was afraid, I built a life for 15 years for myself and my girls. It was all wrong. It was empty and it was holly and it was not a legacy that I wanted to leave my girls. My entire family lineage is full of the women who stayed, the women who endured the abuse and passed it on to their children. I didn’t want self doubt, self loathing, emptiness to be the Legacy that I left my girls.

I broke free of the bondage that held me down in sadness and failure. I told myself that I would teach my daughters a new legacy. I would not leave them the legacy that was left for me. I would show them bravery, strength, perseverance and I would teach them they are valued, loved, and WILL do big amazing things. Not that they might, that they WILL.

If I can take anything away from a night with World Changers, it is that we are all able to make a difference. We are all given failures and blind spots in this life. We are given chances to move forward or hit bottom. These things can be both bad and good. Sometimes you have to hit bottom to start the climb back up. One you get back up you have a choice. To push forward and surround yourself with a tribe of people who will tell you like it is. You can take this advice from your tribe with humility and openness for change. The amazing ways that your life will change and grow will amaze you.

I hit bottom, and I was lucky. I still had a few people left in my tribe after everything. They helped me get back up, they were open and honest with me about where I had been, and what I could do now. I lifted my chin up, and I chose to change the world.

Tammy, thank you for letting me be heard. I am so grateful for you, for The Conversation, and for being your sister in Christ. I love you girl. Here is to many more years of being a team.

Questions

Him: Can I ask you a question?Would your coffee taste the same if someone else made it for you?

Would the halls sound quiet without the echo of my voice?

Would your hand feel empty without my fingers laced in them?
Her: Oh my love.

I couldn’t drink coffee ever again if it wasn’t your love that filled my cup.

The halls would be like an empty library. The space would be without purpose if I didn’t hear the sounds of your voice to soothe my soul.

My hands would be more than empty. What purpose would they have if not laced in yours? Such a hollow space.
Him: Right you are love
Her: may I ask you a question?
Him: Of course.
Her:Would your lips feel empty without my kiss? 

Would our bed feel empty if my space was hollow?

Would you miss the feeling of your arms fitting perfect around my waste?
Him: My girl. My lips would feel the endless emptiness if your mouth wasn’t here to fill mine with your taste. 

Our bed would be a hell, an empty place without your form lying curved next to mine.

My arms belong around your waist and I shall pull you into my arms every chance I get.

You are mine.
Her: As you are mine, my love.

Selfish

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I am selfish.

I hope this doesn’t surprise you. I have said on many occasions that I hate sharing my children with my ex. I continue to believe that a child deserves the best a parent can offer. He is losing his girls right before my eyes. I will not intervene. And I have warned him. But that is another post. The sharing thing is just one example of how I am selfish.

The other example is Joseph. I am terribly selfish. And lucky. That he understands and responds in kind the way I need him to.

See, Joseph is working on his degree. He has a degree in Audio Engineering. He used to work for Funimation. A huge company that produces a lot of Anime for this side of the world. Translating it. He even did voice overs as well as sound. His name appears in the credits of many things. He, however, decided that he wanted to do something that would keep him near his family. So he went back to school for Software Engineering. (I am going somewhere with this so bear with me)

Joseph, when we were dating, worked at Starbucks, as well as went to school. At the time that worked. For a while I was worried what would happen when the harder classes came up, and he would have to stop working. What would that be like? Would I be okay with that? Him not working. I grew up thinking that a man wasn’t worth much if he wasn’t working. So when the time came for him to stop working and focus on school, he had saved up a lot, and we lived off that savings and my income. That was fine. What happened next surprised me. I became accustomed to having him home with me. He went to school after the girls were off to school and then he would come home. We would spend the evenings as a family.

This spoiled me. Joseph and I have the same love languages. Touch and quality time. For me they go in that order, and I can tell you with almost certainty that his do as well. This makes for an amazingly easy relationship. It also makes for a high maintenance one. We require a lot of each other. A lot. I wish that I could say this bigger. We miss each other when we leave to do our daily things. We don’t leave the house without kissing the other goodbye. I wake him, every morning, at 4:18 am, to kiss him, say I love you and tell him that I will see him soon.

So last year, when summer came, he got a job. He did valet at the Gaylord for Park Place. He did valet in the past and he is good at it. So he was hired and we worked opposing shifts so that our girls are always covered. We work hard to keep them out of the hands of strangers.

I hated it. It was terrible. I slept alone till the middle of the night, he worked all my days off, and I was miserable. It wasn’t worth it. When it was finally over, and he went back to school I was relieved. Our time together was restored. We both recharge each other, and I was so drained. The quality time was taken away. Instead, stress and loneliness filled the space. He and I were too tired to spend time that was quality together, and the girls missed their evenings with him.

I vowed that when summer came this year, and the time for him to find a summer job was upon us that I would say no. I told him that I would not share him again. Money is just money. I don’t value things. I value people. He is my person. That special person that I swear GOD created just for me and my girls. He completes our family. I know that people make sacrifices to live a more easy life when it comes to money and finances. But I would rather be careful, and frugal, and skip this movie, and that time to go out or money on some hallmark holiday and instead save that so that we have more hours together as a family. This time we have with our girls is so short. We want to be there for them in each moment. So when people ask me if Joseph is going to work over the summer so we can save more, I say no. I would rather lose out on some trinket, and spend time together with my husband and our daughters, than miss hours with him for memories that are better made at home.

Together we grow and we work hard. He works hard educating himself so that he can be our provider. I work hard to see him succeed and to give our family a strong life and a strong sense of how important family is.

I need him by my side through all the little things. When our girls are all grown up, we will realize that all of those small things were really big things, and I will be glad that I sacrificed material things for family time that was so much more important than anything that money can by.

Together we are a team, and we are teaching our girls that even if you do things late in life and you don’t figure it all out when you are young, you can still have a bright, successful future if you believe and you work hard.

I will always be selfish for family time. For my girls, for my husband and even for me. We deserve that. Who can argue with that?

Always,

Just me.

2 May, 2015 13:26

We have all been homeless at one point in our lives. Whether it be homeless in spirit, or in the literal sense. Take time to read this and think about how your words could be the game changer for someone who just needs that encouragement to keep going.

Always
Me

Escape Suburbia

Words are currency
and the man in the Orange shirt

In the photo I’m wearing my fathers watch.

He died from a lack of hope when I was 7 and it’s the one thing I have that was his. I wore it on this day to signify hopelessness, as we journeyed downtown to deliver hope.

When I saw this photo of the man in the orange shirt, after our day on the streets with the homeless, I felt 7 again. I see the hopelessness in this mans eyes. I see my father, I see friends and strangers, I see someone’s mother or grandfather. Hope is essential to life.

Without hope, we can see no future.

It makes me sick inside to look at this photo and I cannot stay in that emotion for too long.

If I do, I’ll become what I once was. Someone stuck in the past, unable…

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The fight against Futility

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nounplural futilities for 2, 3.

1.

the quality of being futileineffectiveness;uselessness.

2.

a trifle or frivolity:

the large collection of futilities that clutter ourminds.

3.

afutileact or event.
I am struggling. Perhaps we will say today has been a struggle. I think that the good days for sure outnumber the ones where I feel I am fighting the tide. I have realized the error in my ways. The reasons that I am struggling. I have spent far too long on my want here. What I want. What I think I need. What I long for. I am fighting against the futility of what I want when it obviously isn’t God’s plan right now.
Today, after sitting in my car, fighting back tears of jealousy as yet another of my friends is having a baby. I decided something. She is my friend, and I love her. I truly want nothing but the best and healthiest of pregnancies and babies. I stopped thinking about me. I prayed for her. For health, for a sticky baby that stays where it belongs till it is time for it to be born. Then I thought about my other friends. I prayed for them too. I prayed for my selfishness to fade away. For it to be replaced by the love for others, the need to help them. No matter what the cause, what they need. To find a way to fill it. To bring light and positivity to everyone that I come in contact with. This world isn’t about me. Or what I want. It is about what I can do for others to bring life and light and Christ into their lives. To show them that you can love and be loved and show what God intended for us to share. Love. Not judgement, not hate, not selfishness. But love. Just love. His greatest commandment. I spend so much time all too absorbed lately in what I want. ‘
No more.
No more.
No more.
I will say it and it will stick with me. I am a child of God and I am full of love to give and I will spread it around and I will shower people who need it and even those who don’t.
What did I learn today? That I am able to fall short, that I can make mistakes, that I don’t always choose the right option. I also know something that I don’t need to learn. Because I know it. God loves me no matter what. No matter my selfishness the past few months and my soul yearning baby journey. No matter my (I am sure) occasional thoughtlessness. I will not be that person. It isn’t who I am.
I don’t lack for anything that I need. God has met every need I have and overabundantly provided for me and my family. I will make sure that he is proud of what he has given me.
I take my life out of the hands of the futile struggle against my infertility. I take a long hard break from that, I will wait for God’s guidance as to whether or not we will ever find ourselves there again. I place my hands in Christ Jesus and I ask him take help me. And since I am blessed to have friends that will sharpen me, as iron sharpens iron, I will pray, I will fast, I will give, I will spend time with my girls, I will love my husband, and I will LIVE this life to the fullest, spreading love and happiness all along my way.
If God is for me, who can be against me?
All my love always,