It was always you

Slowly the petals fell, eyes closed, the fall took over and put all things to sleep. She was unrecognizable as she was dead to who she truly was.

Winter came, in seemingly endless slumber and Clothed in frost, appearing lifeless on the outside. So beautiful yet so cold and unmoving.

Spring came and with it you. You breathed life into her. The frost melted, her leaves turned green and flowers blossomed. Bits of who she was fell into place. Rebirth, and a new beginning as is always there in spring.

Before you arrived, she was thirsty like the flowers in the summer without rain. Like endless desert walks with no oasis. No distant city on the horizon offering hope.

Each moment after that breath of life gave new hope and new energy to her growth. She saw things from her own eyes and you loved her for it.

Moments and seasons passed, and with each passing season you gave her life renewed to stay awake and alive during each moment. No hiding or hibernation.

Instead in the Fall, as life and nature begins its preparation for slumber, you watered and bathed her in heat and light.

When winters frost came and threatened to bury everything in its lifeless cold, you wrapped your arms around her and provided her warmth and love through the bitter cold.

When spring came to make all things new you opened your arms to let her be reborn and to fly. Free to live and breath, fueled by the perfect love of just what and who she was to you. Not a fictional creation someone else would have wanted her to be.

And when it came time for you to transition into those seasons, she breathed that same life into you. Preparing you with the same renewed sense of self that you had unselfishly poured into her.

As she saw you spread your wings and fly, only to return home to her, she knew. In all that she had waited for, it was always you.

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The Ledge

The drop is far. The path that leads to the edge of the cliffs is small. Certain death if you misstep. There is no going back, only forward. It’s windy and all you know is the endless fear that you just can’t make it. You might as well jump because at least then the choice was yours. It wasn’t your failure to walk steadily. It wasn’t someone behind you. The choice to fall and fail was yours. The wind blows and you feel that uneasy fear that you can’t make it. You won’t make it. Why did you step out onto this ledge? What felt so important on the other side that you stepped out in the first place?

Was it love, or maybe your dream that forced you out? Perhaps you woke up on that ledge, unaware that all those sure bets and choices you had made put you in a place you didn’t feel you belong.

The only sure thing is change and fear. Fear isn’t bad. For the most part, when it is healthy fear, it prevents us from harm and helps us make decisions that are best for our safety and our future. Bad fear holds us back, trapped in fight or flight mode. Instead of fighting, some of us flee and abandon our dream or goal. Never to be seen again.

Walking across the ledge to reach your dreams is hard, and it can be scary. Don’t look down. Just keep going. Soon enough you will turn around and see that it was nothing more than an illusion. The drop and fall didn’t exist anywhere but inside of your imagination.

Take power over your thoughts and keep moving. I believe in you.

My Wind

To my Joseph – Written June 3rd
The wind blows me here and there
Like leaves falling, I know not where
It blows through my heart
My soul my mind
Hollow and empty is the space it finds
But wait it whispers softly to me
The wind, the breeze, my secrets it breaths
My past, my present, my future
Laid bare
My thoughts, my feelings
Far too much too share
My heart, my soul, my love I find
In clips, in phrases, in images in my mind
A future that could not before be seen
A place for my head to rest
A place for my heart to believe
On his chest my face will lay
At my breast our children will play
At night is where our love will shine
And then true love will truly be mine
Tiarra Tompkins

Mysterious Stranger

She stood alone in the dark room, swishing the photo paper in the chemicals, waiting for the image to appear. This place was her escape. Peace always seemed to fill her here. The quiet of the weekend as the building was almost always empty.

The air grew thick and it felt strange. She knew was no longer alone. She looked up as the air around her got heavy. That was when he walked in. She didn’t know him. She had never seen him before, and she never knew his name. But he had a strange presence about himself, he felt familiar, almost as if she had known him in some other life. He said a friendly, quiet hello. Meeting her eyes for only a second before settling into his own task of creating photographs.

Moments that didn’t exist flashed in front of her eyes, dancing, dinners, secret kisses from a time that couldn’t have existed in the distant past.

A glance from across a crowded ballroom, a kiss on the hand. The sounds of a party.

Him brushing the hair from her face to place a delicate kiss on her forehead. Moments locked in a time that could have never existed.

who is he

Who was this man? Why did she feel as if she had spent a lifetime already with him when she had never before today seen his face?

She stole glances at him while he developed his own pictures. Quietly trying to watch him as he created his own magical images. Creating and breathing life into his work. Creating his own magic.

Time froze. She would glance up and then back down. She heard the words “I love you.” play in her head as she saw him staring at her with eyes that were full of adoration and passion. They felt like memories. Watching them play in slow motion and yet having these moments pass in a flurry. A future with a man she didn’t know flashing through all their experiences together as if she was living them for the first time.

The curiosity of who he was overwhelmed her. She stood gripping the table that held the photo enlarger as if her life depended upon its stability.

Who was he?

She knew she had no business being curious about him. She had a husband and a family and a life of her own. But why was he so familiar? This strange moment just standing still in time. This mysterious man and this one moment where they didn’t even speak. It lasted forever. And all too soon it was over. He said a simple goodbye, meeting her eyes one more time and walked away. The moment was gone forever and she felt empty of breath and lost. As if she was suddenly grieved over the death of something that she had never really had. But it felt so real, so painful and all at once those moments that had just past before her eyes began to fade.

Goodbye

he was gone

___

This is actually a true story. It’s not fiction. I had this moment happened to me when I was in college, developing my own images in the dark room. A mysterious gentleman came in on a weekend when the lab was empty. I had never seen him before. I spent enough time using the lab and assignments as an escape from my real life, that I knew most of the students and staff. Though in that moment, I felt as if I had known him for a lifetime. His face and the way that he sounded with his simple greeting and the simple goodbye. I lived a lifetime with him in that quiet hour in the lab. One that wasn’t real but was full of an entire life of emotions. Happiness, love, passion, sadness, loss and death.

Then all at once, the same way it started, it ended and faded.

There are moments on this earth that we can’t define. They are supernatural in nature and we can never truly explain what happened. Maybe I have an overactive imagination, perhaps my love starved self created this moment in my head. I will never know.

 

TT

Be Loved

I feel blessed.

I look back at the Facebook feed and wonder how I got this far. My girls are growing so fast, and each day I have the chance to be my husband’s wife. I literally don’t need anything else. I know there are people on this planet striving for greatness. The recognition of being in front of people and having them applaud your hard work is great. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I truly only ever wanted to be a mom. (The wife thing was second but it sure has been amazing now)

Life didn’t go exactly the way that I wanted to go. I got married and had 3 girls with the wrong guy. I stayed with the wrong guy for 14 years. I fell in love while married, with one of my best friends, and then he found a real girl. He let me go the day before my 30th birthday and I struggled to find my way. (I still haven’t seen that friend in 20 years now BTW) Once I found my way, I picked my girls up and moved out on my own.

I lost my ability to do what I wanted, which was to be a stay at home mom. I longed to be with my kids every day. But that was taken from me. I fell in love again with a friend who stuck by me through all the crazy, but then had to let that go when it just was too overwhelming and not what was in God’s plan.

Mistakes and mistakes later (that sounds like a lot but really much less than you think) I found Joseph. My love. The person who helps support and feed my soul.

Why did I break all of this down for you? Because I don’t know where you are in your journey in this life. Maybe you lost the love of your life and you don’t know what to do?

Maybe you have lost your job, or maybe something that I can’t even imagine. But I know that you can recover. How do I know?

Through emotional abuse, drug induced rape, drama, trauma, and problems. I made it through. I know you can to.

Today’s message for you is, you are loved. No matter where you are. Broken and battered. You can recover. If you need permission to do so then here it is. Move past the hurt of yesterday. Move past the part of you that is lingering in the past and the problems of everyday. You are bigger than that. Created to be so much more than just Life’s pinata.

I believe in you

You have value

You are Worth it

I found love and life in the most unsuspecting place. Starbucks. Now nearly 4 years of marriage and almost 6 years since he first kissed me (February of 2018) I am so grateful for every failed moment. Every bad experience. It got me here. To this place of happy.

Don’t get me wrong, things are not perfect. I have bad days, or weeks, I find my self stuck in the occasional rut where I feel it all falling apart around me. But I remember that my God is bigger than my drama. That I can make it if I push past the feelings of this moment.

If you need a cheerleader, please reach out to me. No one has to make this journey alone.

 

Always Me,

Tiarra

 

 

 

Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

Tattoo

Sometimes the words just don’t come out right. Maybe its because of my reflective feelings, but today, I am so grateful for my life and where it is.

My husband has been an incredible gift. I call him my reward for all that I have been through. So many things I could say. Instead I will leave this right here.

Got a tattoo said 'together thru life'
Carved in your name with my pocket knife
And you wonder when you wake up will it be alright 
Feels like there's something broken inside

All I know 
All I know 
Is that I'm lost 
Whenever you go 
All I know 
Is that I love you so 
So much that it hurts 

Got a tattoo and the pain's alright 
Just want a way of keeping you inside

All I know 
All I know 
Is that I'm lost 
In your fire below
All I know 
Is that I love you so 
So much that it hurts 

I see the road begin to climb
I see your stars begin to shine
I see your colours and I'm dying of thirst
All I know 
Is that I love you so
So much that it hurts