Insecurity

Insecurity –noun, plural -ties.
1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.
2. the quality or state of being insecure; instability: the insecurity of her financial position.
3. something insecure: the many insecurities of life.

At some point in time, especially when you are a geeky kid, you feel insecure. Don’t know where you fit in at in this world, not sure if you are good at enough things to make it worth it to be here at all. Lots of things cause insecurities. Being around people you can’t trust, decisions in life that led you to a place where life got so out of control that all you could do was sit back and watch and reap what you had sown. You can doubt yourself, you can doubt others, you can doubt that you shouldn’t even be here. Self doubt leads us down a road that no one should travel on. Life experiences make us afraid of people, makes us distrustful. But living that way isn’t going to save us from hurt. It is going to keep us from love.

I know a lot of people who are insecure, I also know this. Everyone at some point is insecure. It’s human nature to feel inadequate and want to be more. It just takes someone motivated to move beyond that. To want to be more.

I started this post in may but never got to finish it. So let me try to fill in my own blanks and finish this post.

When I started this post in May of 2011 I was seeing Carlos. I had loads of insecurities then. His and I’s relationship was a big secret then. When you can share your life with the man you love, but cannot be a real part of their life you will find loads of reasons to be insecure. Now insecurity didn’t mean I wasn’t loved. I know I was, and still am for that matter. But ultimately it was not to be. God sowed me some things and that relationship in the contextof anything romantic was not to be.

Insecurity is steeped in fear. Fear of what will happen in this,life, fear of the unknown, fear in general.

Life is scary. But I know this much, I can spend all day going over the things that make me less amazing than someone else, or I can dissect all the things that have happened to me and look for fault in what happened. But I would rather keep my memories as memories instead for stumbling blocks of mistakes and shame. I regret nothing. I want to look at this life and my memories, and even my mistakes and know that I lived, that I didn’t hide because of fear and insecurity. I will open up like a lotus flower to this life and live. Tomorrow isn’t a guarantee. God has placed me here in this time and place for a reason. Something to learn, something to do, someone to help. I don’t know why I am here as of yet but i will figure it out.

Because that’s what smart girls do. I know there are so few of us, and a few of you probably scoffed at the smart girl comment but I feel like I have some life lessons learned, more to learn yes, but enough to know that love must be embraced. Even if it is momentary or fleeting.

Just to be loved.

Be loved.

Yours,
Lady X

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Stupid 3am

Why? I did so much yesterday, yet I lie here engulfed in insomnia now waiting for the stack of medication to relieve my pain and let me rest.

I am wracked in pain. Physical this time. My body hates me. Being a girl sucks, and even the good stuff is just taking the edge off. I find myself starving, eating in the middle of the night when I shouldn’t, head hurting, body aching and I am unable to find comfort in sleep. This is the latest I have been up in weeks. I need to reinstate my diet, get to excersizing again and pray sleep comes back to me. Park day is going to start later than intended at this rate. I’m gonna need a lot of red bull in the morning.

So you know what I have to say to you sleep, please come back. My original stement of, fuck you sleep, doesn’t seems as smart, since maybe that will make you want to stay away.

So in my delirium, my exuastion, my inevitable ability to think more on the Lonliness that three am holds, I pray for rest, for dreamless rest filled sleep that isn’t plagued by pain and Lonliness but filled with a grateful heart that just wants to be rested for a fun day with her babies at the park, with friends and family.

Let me rest oh Lord, please?

Praying for sleep,
Lady X

I love geeks

I have it tattooed on my hip for a reason. I just spent the last two hours engaged in conversation about who would win in a fight, Iron Man or Batman. I’m rooting for Iron Man but I have been damn near unanimously out voted on this.

The reason. Batman always has a plan.

I have no argument against this. I love Iron Man and so I am biased. But damn the male geeks are out voting me all over the place. I have had this discussion at work where I am surrounded in a geeky utopia and I stand like the cheese, alone.

I would take the chance to be dramatic but I’m too tired.

If you want to have your say on the matter feel free to comment. I’m off to sleep for park day.

All my geeky love,
Lady X

Laundry

It is the bane of my existence. I currently wait for the washer to finish so I can switch it so I may lay some claim over some well deserved and well needed sleep. I’m not lying when I say I look terrible. Sleep is the only cure, and being preclose tomorrow means there isn’t much resting after I get up at six am with the kiddoes.

So I come here. Because I am interested in having yet another conversation with myself. Sometimes I just need to type useless conversations simply for my own sanity. This is one of those times. I wish I had the ability to just stop thinking sometimes.

I can’t find my phone. Sigh. This is going to bother me. I’m not sure where it is. (insert sad face here)

So I hunted down my phone. It was under my bed. But alas, my popularity shows by me having nothing waiting for me. Good grief I am such a whiny attention slut.

I’m thinking I am ten minutes away from sleep. I think I hear the washer spinning. I hate laundry. I hate keeping track of it while it washes, I hate waiting for it to dry and judging by my bedroom I hate putting it away. I am just incompetent at it.

No hope for me and the laundry. We will be bitter enemies until I can pay someone to do it for me when I marry some old rich guy and make him my elitist sugar daddy.

That probably won’t happen either just because I’m so dead set on being in love. Stupid love. Stupid warm feelings of joy and amorousness for another person.

Blah blah blah

Dear bitter Lady,

Quit whining. That is all.

Love,
Me

Go to bed!!!

Maybe

You should

I need to wait on the laundry

I know, but you should sleep right after that.

Maybe I don’t want to, maybe I want to rebel against myself

Maybe you are crazy

Duh, we know that already

True, but now you ae showing people.

I am sure I am not the only person who talks to themselves

Nope, just the only person to post it here maybe, I question that someone has one this before.

Whatever, go to bed crazy lady

I have to check the laundry

So check it

But I’m talking to you

You are talking to yourself

Indeed

……….

Maybe I do need to go to bed.

Good night bloggers,
Lady X

Checking Me Out

I sure wish this post was in reference to the many times a day I get checked out by some random customer but no. This is actually about what I felt like was some strange woman sizing me up in the drive thru. I have only had a woman look at me that way when she thought that perhaps her man was in jeopardy of being stolen away by the amazing and wonderful charm that makes up this adorable little package that is me. But alas, that can’t be the case here so I have no idea why this woman would look at me that way, Maybe perhaps she has a complex and she just looks at all woman that way. I couldn’t even begin to tell you. I am sure that it will be a mystery forever. I can tell you this, unless she is like me and that dynamite comes in small packages I am pretty sure I could take her. But just in case I couldn’t I sure do miss my martial arts class. Sigh.

So now that the sizing up portion of my conversation is over I am sitting here at work, ten mintues into my lunch break and thinking about nothibg inparticular, though I won’t lie, I have had romance on the brain all week. Looking at wedding dresses doesn’t help. It sends my brain off in directions that honestly I prefer it not go. I don’t need those expectations in my head. I may never get married again and I need to make sure my brain knows that. I know my head does, it is rather cynical sometimes, but my heart is another story. It sees a knight in shining armor, and I am the damsel and he is here to save me from all of my distress. I know he is out there. I just wonder if he will be too far away when the time comes that I am ready to be rescued.

Oh dearest love, why must you be so far away, and a stranger, that I have no idea who is, or what looks like? How will I recognize you? I dream dreams and I see him, he has no face though so its kinda creepy. It does find me married. But again I wonder if sometimes it is just my overactive imagination.

The Lonely – Christina Perri

The Lonely lyrics

2 a.m., where do I begin?
Crying off my face again
The silent sounds of loneliness
Wants to follow me to bed

I’m a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I’m the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Too afraid to go inside
For the pain of one more loveless night
But the loneliness will stay with me
And hold me ’til I fall asleep

I’m a ghost of a girl that I want to be most
I’m the shell of a girl that I used to know well

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

Broken pieces of
A barely breathing story
Where there once was love
Now there’s only me and the lonely

Dancing slowly in an empty room
Can the lonely take the place of you?
I sing myself a quiet lullaby
Let you go and let the lonely in to take my heart again

THis is the song I am listening to right now. I love this song, though yes the lonely applies to me, it is a peaceful lonely. I just really feel this song sometimes. I am usually dancing alone, while the room isn’t on fire that is a metaphor to me for the fire that burns inside me.

Now this song:

Distance – Christina Perri

The sun is filling up the room
And I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do right now?
I wish we would just give up
Cause the best part is falling
Call it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

And please don’t stand so close to me
I’m having trouble breathing
I’m afraid of what you’ll see right now
I give you everything I am
All my broken heart beats
Until I know you understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?
How long til we call this love, love, love

This is my love song. And I can’t wait until God tells me its true.

Make sure to keep my distance, say I love you, when you’re not listening. Mmmmm. Love it.

Off to work I go. 3 minutes to spare and I just wanted to say, Love and be loved, it is amazing and it will make you happy if you try it.

All My Love Always,
Lady X

And I keep waiting
For you to take me
You keep waiting
To save what we have

So I’ll make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening
How long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say “I love you” when you’re not listening

Not sleeping

So here I am, the time approaching midnight and I am not asleep. It’s my own fault, a double tall breve peppermint white mocha aka the calorie bomb, and not decaf are most certainly the reason for it. I yawn, but alas, sleep eludes me. This is what I get. I am not overly worried. Fiona Apple is singing to me as I type this up and I feel quiet inside. I have the urge to write and plenty to write but happily my brain is in an interesting state of quiet. Thoughts not bearing down on me. For this one moment as I sit in my bed, my toddler laying sideways and covered by puppies (and she is totally in my spot) I am content. I’m trying to absorb the moment. They are so few. I need nothing I this moment. This moment is short lived though. My imagination just went into high gear once I said I was content. Dammit.

So what do I do, I think about things that I love. Things that I want, and dream of. Once this week is over its time to bear down and study, time to get back into school. Finish my associates and work towards what I want, which is to teach photography and art.

Should take me next to forever but that’s ok. It’s what happens when you don’t know whon you are for all of your young adult life. Then you hit thirty, you find yourself, and you have a lot of catching up to do.

This week my hope is to finish my Starbucks art, get my pics edited so I can spend all of Saturday shooting party pictures and then after the party pictures are done I can enjoy the scary process of going through what will be at least a thousand images. But it’s all good.

So this wacky no direction post that is probably making very little sense is making me think far too much in many directions this late I thinki should run away and try to sleep. Perhaps I will sleep to dream. To dream of things that will be amazing. Or perhaps not.

I am always here, a click or letter away.

Sincerely,
Lady X

Sunshine and rainbows

As I sit in my living room, yogurt eaten, house almost totally clean and miles of laundry begging me to fold and put it away I rest. I am basking in the glow of the sun through my porch window. Feeling the sun warm me and the doggies.

It is nice to be quiet for a moment. Now that moment is over, and it’s off to the tattoo shop for some ink for my mom. She’s getting “what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger” on her wrist as a bracelet.

I have new ink plans but there is no time today. Maybe this Sunday. I have a few things I want to get done. But it’s always about to do it or not. I like being spontaneous about it because then its done and I’m happy.

Smile today everyone, things are looking up.

All my love,
Lady X