Be Loved

I feel blessed.

I look back at the Facebook feed and wonder how I got this far. My girls are growing so fast, and each day I have the chance to be my husband’s wife. I literally don’t need anything else. I know there are people on this planet striving for greatness. The recognition of being in front of people and having them applaud your hard work is great. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I truly only ever wanted to be a mom. (The wife thing was second but it sure has been amazing now)

Life didn’t go exactly the way that I wanted to go. I got married and had 3 girls with the wrong guy. I stayed with the wrong guy for 14 years. I fell in love while married, with one of my best friends, and then he found a real girl. He let me go the day before my 30th birthday and I struggled to find my way. (I still haven’t seen that friend in 20 years now BTW) Once I found my way, I picked my girls up and moved out on my own.

I lost my ability to do what I wanted, which was to be a stay at home mom. I longed to be with my kids every day. But that was taken from me. I fell in love again with a friend who stuck by me through all the crazy, but then had to let that go when it just was too overwhelming and not what was in God’s plan.

Mistakes and mistakes later (that sounds like a lot but really much less than you think) I found Joseph. My love. The person who helps support and feed my soul.

Why did I break all of this down for you? Because I don’t know where you are in your journey in this life. Maybe you lost the love of your life and you don’t know what to do?

Maybe you have lost your job, or maybe something that I can’t even imagine. But I know that you can recover. How do I know?

Through emotional abuse, drug induced rape, drama, trauma, and problems. I made it through. I know you can to.

Today’s message for you is, you are loved. No matter where you are. Broken and battered. You can recover. If you need permission to do so then here it is. Move past the hurt of yesterday. Move past the part of you that is lingering in the past and the problems of everyday. You are bigger than that. Created to be so much more than just Life’s pinata.

I believe in you

You have value

You are Worth it

I found love and life in the most unsuspecting place. Starbucks. Now nearly 4 years of marriage and almost 6 years since he first kissed me (February of 2018) I am so grateful for every failed moment. Every bad experience. It got me here. To this place of happy.

Don’t get me wrong, things are not perfect. I have bad days, or weeks, I find my self stuck in the occasional rut where I feel it all falling apart around me. But I remember that my God is bigger than my drama. That I can make it if I push past the feelings of this moment.

If you need a cheerleader, please reach out to me. No one has to make this journey alone.

 

Always Me,

Tiarra

 

 

 

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Desperate for his tender kiss

The most dangerous kiss
is not the passionate one
that ignites the fire
deep inside me

It is not the kiss
that expresses the depth
of how much you missed me
while we were apart

It is not the kiss that pulls
me into sweet blissful
distress, breathless,
longing, aching for
all of you

It is the sweet
tender kiss
our lips softly meeting
a tenderness so sweet
so deep, that it not
only stirs my heart
but ravages my soul

Blurs my vision
steals my breath
and rushes me through
the myriad of feelings
that my love for you
envelopes

To say that I love him
is a crime. Words are not
sufficient to bring to life
the feelings my heart
my body
my mind
my soul
feel for him

To express it any other
way then in this simple kiss
is a poor testament

No one can truly know
how we feel, because they
cannot feel this kiss

-Lady X

#41

Today has been Dave Matthews day. I rarely listen to him now. Depending on the song that is. Crash is my heart song since I was 16. Rapunzel is my naughty song. You and me is just a sweet song. I Did It is my love bomb song.

41 is my life song.

(Tattoo still coming. Hopefully on the same day I get my Friday the 13th tattoo. September is the month that has Friday the 13th btw)

Some of the songs make me melancholy. Which used to be the state that I existed in all the time. Years of it. Since I was 17 listening to the Cranberries or Elvis, But I am not that way any more. Just happy. It really is something to feel, to behold. It has made me realize I have so many things to appreciate.

I also have found the meaning that 41 has for me. I told Carlos many times I never understood why 41 meant so much to me. What it meant to me, what it was for. I never thought I would know. I certainly didn’t think today I would find that meaning. But I did. It is also far simpler than I could have imagined.

I was that girl. The one in the song. I did finally let the ghosts come reeling and crashing down.  And I did find may way to run and dance in the rain and I am glad. I think that when this song meant so much to me was because I hadn’t realized that I was waiting for the man in the song. To come and play for me, to bring me water, a man who wouldn’t tell me what to be. A man who just wanted to come, to stay, to wait for me, the one who wanted to love me.

I have that now, and tomorrow leads my way.

 

All my love always,

Lady X

 

#41

Come and see
I swear by now I’m playing time against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while
I’m in the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won’t tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
What if they came down crushing
Remember when I used to play for
All of the loneliness that nobody
Notices now
I’m begging slow I’m coming here
Only waiting I wanted to stay
I wanted to play,
I wanted to love you
I’m only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way
I’m coming waltzing back and
Moving into your head
Please, I wouldn’t pass this by
I wouldn’t take any more than
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why won’t you ever be glad
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won’t you run
In the rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you

Wish Granted

So yesterday, when I told Joe that I had to take the girls to their dad’s he was sad. He thought we were going to get to go to the park this weekend and have a picnic with the kids. Well it turns out that our wish is granted.

My ex calls me yesterday to tell me he “accidentally” dumped all of his medicine in the toilet yesterday. The doctor won’t give him more, and he can’t get an appointment to see the doctor for at least a week. So the girls aren’t spending the weekend with their dad. Works out great for me and Joe because now he and I can take the kids to the park.

Not so great for the girls, whose hearts I get to break when I pick them up. They were so excited to get to go. I am going to do my best to make this a great weekend for them. Feed them junk food, let them eat ice cream. The works. Because they deserve more. And by golly if they can’t get it from their dad well I will be damned if they are going to miss out. Lots of love pouring out for my girls because I will always be there to pick up the slack.

Always pour out your love into your kids. You never know when they are going to need it the most.

 

Always,

Lady X

 

Fighting

The other day while Joseph was studying, he looked over at me and said he wondered what my angry face looked like. I thought this was an interesting thing for him to say. So after I giggled I tried my hardest to show him what my angry face would look like were he to be the unfortunate fellow of having earned having it aimed in his direction.

It was fail. I couldn’t do it. Everytime I looked at him I just felt happy and since I suck at faking things I couldn’t make the angry face therefor he still doesn’t know what it looks like.

It occurred to me today that Joseph and I haven’t fought a single time in the course of a year. I thought about it while working so hard this morning at work, that I haven’t been mad at him over the course of the year he and I have been together. He is literally the most chill person I have ever met. The Zen master if you will. Calm 90% of the time. The other 10% I save for angry video games played in PVP which takes the most calm person and turns them into a raving lunatic. (self included)

I think our compatibility plays a huge part in this. Our matching love languages helps as well. Being a touch and quality time person means that neither of us finds the other in deficit at a lack of gift giving. We do give each other gifts. But most of the time it is cheesy and small.

So what is the post about today? We I was thinking that I know looking at the two of us from the outside you can see the love, the passion and the dedication we have for each other. But I wonder if people knew that we don’t fight, we get along well, if they would think that we somehow lack that passionate note because of a lack of drama.

The answer?

It is no. We are hotter than ever. I am surprised daily how the level of want has not decreased one bit over the time we have spent together. It still feels new. Each kiss still feels like the first. I have to say that I expected it to change.  I thought that perhaps the relationships that I saw belonging to friends of mine that were couples were an amazingly rare thing or just bolstered up to make them look better. I didn’t actually think they existed.

I am glad to say I know otherwise now. I am glad the fire is still white hot and bright after a year, no boredom, no end in sight. I feel a sense of security and calm in that sentence. I take heart in knowing that JOseph feels the same. And I am happy that my girls can see a healthy relationship of love. Rather than the one they knew before. And now that they see it at least they have stopped asking the question, “Why doesn’t Joe yell Mommy?”

He doesn’t yell because he isn’t angry. Case and point.

 

I am chattily avoiding my math homework so I will bid you adieu for now.  I will enter more info later. Until then…

 

All of my love always,

Lady X

Eyes Wide Open

 

 

Once upon a time, before Joseph and I were a couple, we had a conversation (induced by tequila) about what makes a good kisser.

 

The conversation talked about compatibility with the person, reading cues, body language, attraction. Something I never thought of, and something he said that he did, was look at the person you were kissing.

 

This sounded like romantic blasphemy to me. Why would you do that? Doesn’t that ruin the mood, take away from the moment? And so I tested this theory of course. When Joseph first kissed me I didn’t open my eyes, but later, when I felt more comfortable I did. And I felt awkward at first, but it changed into something very personal, very intimate. I realized how much your eyes can share with a person when you look at them while sharing something so intimate as a kiss.

 

The kama sutra talks about it too. It amazed me when I read the kama sutra that it is less about sexual pleasure and more about connection. About reaching that pure intimacy with the person that you love. Opening your eyes for a passionate kiss allows you to look into someones feelings. It isn’t an obtrusion, it is a look at how someone really feels while they kiss you.

 

I have alway felt like kissing is one of the ways that you can show someone you how you feel. Put all those emotions into that moment and really give them that feeling that you are there. And opening my eyes, looking into Joseph’s and taking that moment to really see how he feels, show him how I feel is so intimate that it is more earth shattering for me and my girly heart that the best orgasm. Because I am a girl I can say that.

 

So while this post isn’t very long, I want to share with you a moment that you can have that you may be missing. An intimacy that you haven’t shared with your love before.  A look that you are missing, adoration in your lovers eyes. Try it sometime. It may change your life.

 

Always with all of my love,

Lady X

25,000 Feet

 

I am currently flying and that is something I just don’t do. I am in awe of how beautiful the world is. Amazingly created to say the least. It earth is whizzing below me at insane speeds and I am sitting in a chair with barely anything between me and the clouds.

 

The world is a brilliant patchwork below me. Cheesy and said a million times but lots of people who have flown but I am glad that I have this chance to look over the world and see how amazing and beautiful it is. Since the last time I flew I was 14 years old and the flight was short this is amazing. It was scary and I am not going to lie, my lady brain cried at the airport at the thought of flying anywhere without my babies. I can’t want to show them the pictures that I have taken from the plane. It is truly a sight. I hope that someday soon I can take them somewhere so they can see this amazing view of the earth we live on.

 

I spend lots of time thinking about the world. I look at pictures of space and I wonder what it is like up there and now I am closer to space than I ever have been. It is amazing and I wonder sometimes what it must be like to be a pilot or an astronaut.

 

As I am flying to New York City, one of the most beautiful cities to photograph I am a little sad that I left my camera gear at home, but I wanted this to be a trip for fun. A brilliant day of celebration for Valentine’s day and Joe and I’s one year anniversary. I can’t believe that it has already been a year. What an amazing, crazy year. I never thought that I would find someone  that fit me so completely. I really do feel like he is my missing puzzle piece. I feel whole. God never meant for any of us to be alone. And for years I felt that way. It is amazing not to feel alone anymore. I feel like I can breath a sigh of relief.

 

With less than 13 awake hours in the big apple we have a busy day ahead of us. More pictures to be taken, laughs to be had. Ice to be skated on.

Did I mention that we are going ice skating at Rockafeller center? That is the main event this evening. Dinner and skating. Perfection.

 

It is an amazing and perfectly beautiful day. I can’t wait to get there.

 

I literally can”t get over how beautiful the world is. As I type this, without looking mind you I am just looking over everything. The winding rivers, the tiny buildings, I am far too high to see cars, but that doesn’t keep me from pressing my face against the window and trying.

 

As we pass over a city I can see some tiny little cars. It amazes me to think of the people inside off to their day. Sigh.

 

Funny enough my phone takes better pictures than the point and shoot that I got.

 

The plane is bumping around a little which freaks me out.  But I am doing good, so proud of myself for fighting my fear and going on an adventure. I hope I get to see mountains. I have seen hills and they look amazing and wonderful.  I feel blessed just having been able to see all of this!

 

I will update more later. As for me, I am giddy, happy, blessed and ready for an amazing celebration.

 

🙂

 

Lady X