Be Loved

I feel blessed.

I look back at the Facebook feed and wonder how I got this far. My girls are growing so fast, and each day I have the chance to be my husband’s wife. I literally don’t need anything else. I know there are people on this planet striving for greatness. The recognition of being in front of people and having them applaud your hard work is great. But it doesn’t do anything for me. I truly only ever wanted to be a mom. (The wife thing was second but it sure has been amazing now)

Life didn’t go exactly the way that I wanted to go. I got married and had 3 girls with the wrong guy. I stayed with the wrong guy for 14 years. I fell in love while married, with one of my best friends, and then he found a real girl. He let me go the day before my 30th birthday and I struggled to find my way. (I still haven’t seen that friend in 20 years now BTW) Once I found my way, I picked my girls up and moved out on my own.

I lost my ability to do what I wanted, which was to be a stay at home mom. I longed to be with my kids every day. But that was taken from me. I fell in love again with a friend who stuck by me through all the crazy, but then had to let that go when it just was too overwhelming and not what was in God’s plan.

Mistakes and mistakes later (that sounds like a lot but really much less than you think) I found Joseph. My love. The person who helps support and feed my soul.

Why did I break all of this down for you? Because I don’t know where you are in your journey in this life. Maybe you lost the love of your life and you don’t know what to do?

Maybe you have lost your job, or maybe something that I can’t even imagine. But I know that you can recover. How do I know?

Through emotional abuse, drug induced rape, drama, trauma, and problems. I made it through. I know you can to.

Today’s message for you is, you are loved. No matter where you are. Broken and battered. You can recover. If you need permission to do so then here it is. Move past the hurt of yesterday. Move past the part of you that is lingering in the past and the problems of everyday. You are bigger than that. Created to be so much more than just Life’s pinata.

I believe in you

You have value

You are Worth it

I found love and life in the most unsuspecting place. Starbucks. Now nearly 4 years of marriage and almost 6 years since he first kissed me (February of 2018) I am so grateful for every failed moment. Every bad experience. It got me here. To this place of happy.

Don’t get me wrong, things are not perfect. I have bad days, or weeks, I find my self stuck in the occasional rut where I feel it all falling apart around me. But I remember that my God is bigger than my drama. That I can make it if I push past the feelings of this moment.

If you need a cheerleader, please reach out to me. No one has to make this journey alone.

 

Always Me,

Tiarra

 

 

 

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Too fast 

It goes too fast. I watched a video on Facebook showing a days perspective from both the mom and the little girl. What seems ordinary to us is magic to them. Kids can often see so much more than we can. 
I want to see life through that lens. The lens that life is magical. Too often we get busy and forget that this is the only life we get. And some of us have it cut short way too soon. If you looked at your day and your kids asleep in their beds, would you have regrets about how you spent that day? 
We have moments of frustration, discipline and training. But what about love and laughter?
I spent the evening watching a movie with my mini me, watched a movie I hadn’t seen, laughed and enjoyed the time. No worries. These moments are gone so fast.
This isn’t a long post. I just want to say, love. Love big. Don’t be a Schmuck. Don’t waste your time. 
It’s gone before you know it.

Happy Father’s Day

Dear Terry,

I write this to you even though you are long gone from this earth. I don’t know if you heart belonged to Jesus, so I truly can’t say if we will ever see each other again.

I want you to know that I am grateful for you. Every negative thing you said to me was a lesson. I have learned never to treat people the way that you treated me. I learned to say I love you to my children and to show them grace.

Despite your lack of care in regards to my existence, I have forgiven you. It is not for me, to hold a grudge against you for what happened. I am sure what you learned as a young man when I was born scared you. Running away can be considered a normal reaction. I forgive you for not writing me when I was a little girl. I forgive you for not having time for me when I was 12. I forgive you for choosing your new family instead of adding me to the mix. I forgive you for telling me I should have never been conceived when I was 15 years old. I forgive you for being drunk and on drugs when I needed you to be sober and present. I forgive you for how you treated my mom and how you treated us girls.

What’s more I forgive you for finally apologizing to me when you got sick, but never telling me that you were dying till it was too late. My girls have no biological grandparents (other than my amazing mom) that care, or spend time with them. So I forgive you for not giving me the chance to introduce them to you when you had finally tried to make peace.

I always wanted to have a Dad that would look out for me and take care of me. I realized that maybe that just wasn’t God’s plan. Maybe my lack of a good Dad led me to where I am now. Perhaps had you been a good dad I would have never met my daughters father and made the bad choice to marry him. Maybe I would have made better choices. Those choices might mean I wouldn’t have my girl. Those choices might mean that I wouldn’t have my Joseph.

So I want to thank you. Thank you for failing me. Thank you for not taking responsibility for me. Thank you for every insecurity that you gave me. Without every one of those lessons, I may not be standing here, with the love of my life, and my beautiful girls.

Thank you.

 

_________________

This life is so short. I want to let go of the things that I can’t control. I can’t control how someone treated me years ago, and I sure can’t make someone who has long since died, make up for it. For myself, this year, I give myself the gift of forgiveness. Of letting go.

Happy Father’s Day, Terry, wherever your soul resides. May we both be at peace.

 

Adversity

Adversity:

nounplural adversities for 2.
1.adverse fortune or fate; a condition marked by misfortune, calamity, or distress:

A friend will show his or her true colors in timesof adversity.
You can only grow stronger in situations that provide you with adversity. Defined above as calamity or distress. I am taking a deep breath this morning and trying to learn from adversity.
What is affecting you so?
Well I will tell you. I still find myself working at Starbucks. 2 years as a shift supervisor and 3.5 as a partner. I am unsure if maybe I just go through bouts of wondering why I continue my employment at Starbucks. Most of the time when I am thinking of a job change (like this morning when I left work) I remind myself that I have pretty good insurance (even if I can’t afford to use it most of the time) and that I have a schedule that allows me to be home every afternoon and evening with my girls and my husband. These things are why I wake up every morning at 4am, trudge out of bed and find myself slinging coffee at 4:30a.
There is no small amount of responsibility that comes with the $1 an hour raise and the title “Shift Supervisor”. This morning was the definition of every part of my job and every part that I managed to botch up this week.
The first part was the opening a person short. So I got to do my job, then I got to do my other openers job. I am not mad at her, poor thing was ran off the road by some jerk who didn’t even stop to see if she was ok. She lost two tires and two rims and had to be picked up by her parents. I have no grief with her. It was rough though. You depend on your fellow partners to ensure you have an easy open. This is not always the case. So i took my short staffed open with a grain of salt. Grateful that my staff remained unhurt and I proceeded to try to get things done quickly. The day continued to be fail as our Sunday order wasn’t put in timely (not my fault) so they shipped us the auto order. Which is some wonky cruel Starbucks joke that doesn’t even come close to anything we actually order. EVER. So it becomes the day of hoping we have enough to get by.
Then we had a slow morning. Looked like the day might look up. Our customer count picked up speed and we found ourselves swamped. It is like being in a burning ship. All the customers look unhappy because you can’t move faster all the while you feel helpless to make them or your staff feel any better about being overwhelmed. When the next supervisor arrived, he didn’t check on the floor, he didn’t ask what needed done, he just started doing his own thing even though he wasn’t in charge. I don’t need that. I am the supervisor in charge. It seems this week that doesn’t matter. SO I was left to figure out my floor even thought I was supposed to leave at 10. When my tips person and the other supervisor remained unfinished with their tasks when it was time for me to send people and myself home, I stayed. I can’t leave my partners on the floor like that.
I won’t.
I have been left when it was just baristas, and no shift because they were late or some scheduling mishap. It is no fun, it is stressful and my staff doesn’t deserve that.
So I left 40 minutes late. I did the best I could to help.
The kicker to my day?
It was when I got scolded over the phone by my manager, who was not in the store today, about Sunday’s order (the one I didn’t do the the afore mentioned shift supervisor took from me last week), and then 10 minutes later scolded on a second phone call that I did not have time for but took anyway, to get told I should have noticed about the order black out for today. I am totally at fault for that. But I will accept only half the blame. As our manager did do her own ordering yesterday. Two of them. Meaning I am not the only one who missed the black out notice. So we didn’t double our order, so now we will be short on Thanksgiving.
So as I sit here venting, I know you think I am a giant complainer. Just wait. I am getting to the end of this.
First thing:
I am glad I have a job. Once that gives me the chance to spend time with my family. Not everyone has that. It may not be very grace giving right now, but not all days are bad. Not all days are frustrating.
Second thing:
I do love (for the most part) all of my coworkers. There are special ones in there that will go out of there way for each other. That alone can fix any day.
Lastly:
Me. The way that I deal with it all is a huge. I came home. I clutched my husband. He thanked me for working so hard, for dealing with so much so he can finish school and be my sugar daddy. (It’s gonna happen). His appreciation helps me so much.
When facing adversity you just have to grin, bear it, take it best you can and learn. Learn what you can from it. If you can learn, that is what makes you different from everyone else. If you can take what you see as bad and learn a lesson from it and move forward then you stepped forward instead of stepping back or stepping down into a grumpy dark place.
My final parting words before a well deserved hot bath and some lunch is this:
When adversity comes, that misfortune, the calamity, the distress that this life has to offer you, take a deep breath, put on your determined face and make it good anyways.  I know that isn’t always possible and I know sometimes it is harder than it feels like its worth. But take it from me, someone is learning from watching your adversity. Be a grand lesson in strength and determination. You are better than what you are going through.
All my love always,
Lady X

The deep of the ocean

So many things to say. How to write them all. I worry sometimes at my inability to express all that I feel. Sometimes feelings so much can be overwhelming.  I have realized that I had suppressed so much of how I felt about things in this life that when I finally did remember what it was like to love and feel that it became a flood. So much to express.

Love for my girls, the anxiety of watching them grow up in this poison filled world and still make sure they know the love of God, the love of a mom and dad, and make sure they are able to show the world love.

The reality of this love is also a love of letting go. Children are not meant to stay with you forever. We must raise them to leave. It sounds sad but it is the way that life works. It is a brilliant little cycle. It is why you need a mate in this life. Someone to share life with when the kiddoes grow up and leave you to live their own lives.  From the moment they are born, you are already training them to leave. It is the cruel fate of a parent. To love someone so much. To spend so much time keeping them safe, teaching, and giving them all the love you have. Pouring into them all of your knowledge, even when they don’t want it. It all is for that moment that they stand up and walk away. This sounds dramatic and very rough. Alas, it is where we all start and  where we all go. Life continues forward this way. It is how we learn to let go. Each step closer to college is a moment that is teachable and that can be filled with laughter and love.

When all of that is said and done, what is left is you and your spouse. The person you have built your life with. Or in my case, rebuilt my life with. I have lots of divorced friends, sad to say. But most of us came from situations that really had no other options. I know that God does not approve of abuse. In any form, so I know that even though there are Christians that look down on those of us who didn’t make it through, my God loves me. That really is all that matters in that.

Love is rough. When I say that I mean that when you start over, there are places that your mind goes that make it hard for you.  When my divorce was final, I was still in a tumultuous relationship with Carlos, and having the proper kind of hope was hard.  Things were so uncertain. When I broke it off I had thoroughly convinced myself that I had nothing left. Just me and the girls. Part of me had resigned myself to being an old spinster that lived with her sister. The thought was there. Who wants to pick up a 31 year old divorcee with 3 beautiful little suitcases? I literally wouldn’t have blamed the male populace for deciding that it was far too much work and too much drama to even try.

But love is also amazing. As the title says, the deep of the ocean. Love is like that. Deeper than we can imagine. The love we have for our children is like that.  It is the closest to the unconditional love of God that we can feel. There is also the love of a man for a woman, and a woman for a man. The right ones, that it. I learned so much, and have written pages and pages about it. What I find though, is that day by day, my kids teach me more about their love, and Joseph teaches me more about his love. That love that  a man has for a woman. I never knew it before. Not like this.  While I finally knew what love looked like, and what it could feel like after Carlos, I never knew that anything could be like this.

This love with my Joseph is complicated to describe. When the time comes for me to put it into words.

For a time, when I would see images on facebook of happy husband and wives, I assumed they were all lying. I really didn’t believe that there were couples out there that were actually happy most of the time. It seemed to me, as if some magical universe existed on facebook where people were forced to pretend to be happy. I was not into the whole pretending thing. My facebook status read married. But I had refused to mark on it who my spouse was.  He then hacked my facebook to make it say who I was married to, just backing up one of many reasons why I didn’t want it listed as such.

Now, years later. Having been through so much. I can say now that, there are married people who love each other that way. I see it all the time now. Astonished at how wrong I was, I now want to shout it to the entire world. Show them what brilliant, wonderful, passionate, unabashed love looks like. It is something I want people to know, and not just for some arrogant, teasing, I have something amazing thing. It is so much more than that. If they know what it looks like, they won’t accidentally miss it sometime in their lives when they have it.

We, as human beings, make love so complicated. We let so much get in our way of truly loving someone. Of giving everything we are, without reserve. The reason is fear. We are so afraid to lose, so afraid that we are already doomed to fail before we even try. Been there, done that. I want more. I want the kind of love I know Christ has for me. Since that is really hard for us to grasp, I want to love others like that. I want to love my kids, and my Joseph. Just. Like. That.

So today, my deep ocean of feelings can be put into words this way:

When I look into your eyes I see forever. I see our future. I see our love.
It has no depth. It has no end. The deep of the ocean cannot compare.
The vastness of the horizon is envious of us.
The limitless sky cries over how we have surpassed all it could imagine.
To say we love is not enough.
To say we care leaves too much to say.
We are merely soulmates.
Extensions of the other.
The missing piece that the other has always needed.
We are only what we can be.
Whole with the other by their side.
In want and need when apart.
Look into my eyes and see me.
Part of you.
Part of me.
My one and only.
My missing link.
My muse.
My love.
My Everything.

Happy 4th of July!

I am excited! This time last year Joseph had to close and I spent what would have been our first fourth of July just with the kiddos and my brother and at the time his new wife. This year I get to have my love with me. It will be nice to see the fireworks together. I get to feel them all the time, now I get to see them and kiss him under the fireworks. Yeah yeah yeah, I am a mushy dork.

My fourth is going far better than yesterday. I decided to pay my traffic violation yesterday only to find out that I have a warrant for not paying it two days ago. DAMMIT@!#(*

So now I am a wanted woman, evading the coppers till my lawyer can get the warrants (yes plural) lifted. I get a warrant for non payment and one for not showing up on my appointed court date that they never let me know about. Apparently they don’t have to. It is a courtesy if they do. Since my address is right I must not have gotten that courtesy. So now I have to wait it out. Within the week the warrants should be lifted. In the mean time I am driving like a saint.

And of course it is not without ribbing. Yesterday on his way home, Joseph texts me and says, “On my way home to see my little fugitive”

Brilliant bastard. I told him so  too. He cracks me up sometimes. I laughed, I smiled. It actually made me feel better. Today my mom called me her felon. Wonderful. They are helping me get it all cleared up. Blech. Such a pain.

 

Drive nicely people. Don’t drink and drive and be safe this Fourth of July.

 

Love

Lady X

 

The lessons I learned from Men

All of my life I have met boys and men. Each of them starting from boyfriend number one all the way down to my most amazing Joseph has taught me something.

Boyfriend number one: Nelson

This boyfriend lasted throughout years of learning. I was twelve when he was my boyfriend the first time and after he broke up with me and I moved to another state I spent 3.5 years blowing out of proportion how amazing he was.  What I learned the first time? I learned that when your twelve things can hurt like you are grown. I learned that loss is loss no matter your age and I hope to hold onto that so I know when my kids are hurting over things that seem small to grown ups to remember that they are big to them.

So when I re-met Nelson later in life when I was almost 16 he had a girlfriend. I learned it sucks that the person you “think” you want and they are with someone else. Years later I learn it is a blessing not to always get what you want. And through 2 more years I learned that if someone wants you or loves you they will try for you. They won’t string you along, they won’t cheat on you. They will just love you. They won’t manipulate you either.

So now I am almost 18. I have had a few little boyfriends in these times and I can say they left no significant mark. When I met my now X-Husband John I was a still very sheltered girl who had not yet had a responsible boyfriend. So he looked so responsible, with his job and his apartment. The lessons that I had to learn from this relationship took 15 years. And most of them I didn’t figure out until the end.

I learned the love a man should have for his wife comes before the love he has for himself. I never felt that kind of love before now. So not ever having known what that was like I feel like I was certainly relationship lost. I learned how to be alone. I was a bit codependent when I moved in with John. And I trailed along behind him, going wherever he wanted to, doing whatever he asked. Not knowing that it was not the way it should have been. I sacrificed everything and gained nothing. I learned that love is a two way street. You can’t be in a meaningful relationship that is full of love and support when you look next to you and find that you have been walking all alone for ten years.  Long years. The good news and the lesson that I got out of that part? Once I had realized how long I had been being married alone, it was easy to leave and go forth and actually be in a place alone. I learned what love doesn’t look like. I believe fully that is one of the best lessons I gained. He showed me so many different ways not to be loved by someone that when it was all done. I now know what love doesn’t look like.

My emotional affair. Richard was the man who saved me from my x-husband. He pulled me from the depths of darkness and showed me the light. And all from a distance that kept me from getting into physical trouble. And there is plenty of posts on here if you wanted to see the mess that was. What did I learn? To love again, to feel alive. To be hurt in a way that left me unable to eat. The good news? I needed that love and that heartache. It helped me remember that I wasn’t a robot. I was alive. I had been going through the motions of life for so long that I found myself just existing in the most basic way. The only love I had felt was that of my children and close family. That love kept me going, Richard taught me to breathe again. I am truly grateful for the love he and I shared long distance. It truly did save me. It readied me for the moments that followed. The heartache that I felt when he found real love in his now wife. The pain was terrible, it was a lot to bear and it took a very long time for the sting to go away. But it did. Which brings me to life lesson Carlos.

The worst thing you can do is fall for a crazy persons X husband. I did just that. The lessons I learned from that mess. Listen to God. If he tells you not to get attached, that you are not going to be together and that you will find yourself in a world of hurt. Listen. He knows better. I learned to feel feel. Like physically. Richard brought me out of the coma, and Carlos remind me how life lived felt. Over the course of a year we laughed loved, broke up like 3 or 4 times and then it was truly over. I learned that some people never get over their exes. HIs Ex will always love him, and always think of him as hers. And when battling that kind of crazy if you don’t do that battle right you lose. You lose big. You lose friends, and loves. You lose respect for yourself when you realize that you lied too, and you didn’t do what you could have. And then you realize something else. That none of those things, the pain you suffered, the drama that happened would have been possible had you listened to God in the first place.  Point taken Lord. Thanks for the lesson. (Thats not sarcasm) I am glad for the lesson, I am glad that I learned what it felt like to be loved, in person, in the real world despite the ending. He and I chat occasionally, and I am glad that we made it this far. I know that life is a hard lesson. And some hurt more than others. I am glad some of these lessons came with him as the side kick instead of some other jackass who may have been less than sympathetic.

The lessons that I have learned from my Joseph. Still in progress of course seeing how I still have him and I pray daily I get to keep him for the duration of my life left lived on this planet. I learned that some things are unexpected. Joseph and I did not intend to fall in love. My tiny apartment and 3 little girls scared him to death. In fact, after an evening of Archer and laughs and some tequila he left to go home. He sent me a text moments after he walked out my door. I remember it exactly:

In another life, at a different time, I think you and I would really hit it off and be perfect together.

The thought made me smile. I enjoyed hanging out with Joseph, and laughing and just being there. I learned that things are not always what they seem.He was cool and aloof at work, just a little distant when we hung out. And I know why now, but then I just thought that maybe he wasn’t interested. Now I know he was just worried and scared of me and the girls. We are a huge undertaking. I have also learned that a man can be greater than you think. He has fallen in love with not just me but with my girls. I learned that someone can love kids that aren’t theirs and love them as if they were. I have learned that love really does know no bounds. It can be larger than life. I learned that love doesn’t get boring. The real kind is still exciting a year and a half later. It is still wonderful to see his car parked in the parking lot when I get home. I am still sad if I didn’t get to see him. (like today) I learned that kissing and hand holding and spending quality time together is important. My ex husband never invested his time in me or our marriage. I was a worker bee all alone. And after doing it alone for so long I didn’t want to work anymore. Now the work of maintaining this relationship is fun, and wonderful. It inspires me, it makes me glow and watching Joseph with my daughters they way I had never seen them with their own father gives me a joy that only a single mother can describe.

Jada Pinket Smith posted an image on her facebook. It was a picture of Will and one of their kids. The child was asleep on their daddy, and he was looking out an airplane window. She said something that is as close to my heart as it is to hers. She said,

“As a fatherless daughter, it is moments like these that mean the most to me”

I know what she means. I live it with every hug that he gives my girls, with every I love you. And even with every reprimand of what is usually my four year old acting ornery. Because she is four and that is how she is right now. Testing the boundaries of everyones patience.

Life is a rough ride. There is more to learn for all of us, and hard lessons most of us would skip. There are several painful lessons up in that 1500 words. I cried, a lot. I laughed and loved and learned. I learned that the people you love will hurt you. The one who love you through and through will stick around through the pain that they cause and the pain that you cause and they will be stronger and so will you. You will look at the tiny fires and dramas and be grateful for the lessons and the scars. Every painful moment above I would do over again. I learned who I was through all of this. I learned what I love, what I don’t, what I am will to put up with and what I will fight for. I learned how no matter what you can’t change people. You can’t make them what you want.

The real lesson, the most important one that I learned after all the tears and pain and loneliness is that if you love someone, You love them because at the moment that you love them, they are already what you want. No change needed. Then you can live life together and learn new things, change as life changes you together.

Grow

Love

Learn

Live

Remember that love and loving with all of your heart is a choice. Don’t hold back. Even if the pain and the cost to your heart is high. Because how do you know if it will work out and how much love you can experience and how much you can live if you only give half of you and reserve the other half for later? You can’t. You will always leave a question in there.

What if I had loved all the way?

What if I hadn’t held back in fear?

What would I have?

How would that feel?

Don’t leave yourself with questions like these. Live like tomorrow isn’t there. It isn’t a guarantee anyway. Love like today is your last.

I love you already. I don’t know you. But to all of you that read this, if you learn anything know that I love you because you are made by a big GOD who doesn’t make junk.

All my love always,

Tiarra aka Lady X