Inside out

My emotions are on high today. I’m feeling all ofit bubbling just below the surface. I’m glad none of it has anything to do with my kids which is great. The problem lies with my mom again. She has kidney stones. She went via ambulance to the emergency room last night and the cat scan showed kidney stones. And a spot on her lung. Since she has no medical history because she has never had insurance they cant tell us if it’s scar tissue or a new problem since she just recently had so many rumors removed with her hysterectomy that she had a few months ago. Is possible she has more problems we don’t even know about.

Couple this with my realization of just how deeply I am in love with joe and I’m on an emotional roller coaster today and I just want the ride to take a break. I don’t mind the twists the turns and the upside downs, but my insides feel like they are falling out and I feel like I tearing at the seams.

I told joe last night that everything sucks, that I miss him and that with my mom in the hospital and him so sick still I feel like I’m being ripped apart at the seams. Too many people I love all broken.

He comforted me marvelously. He told me “I just wish I could give you a nice big hug, you know, to squeeze those seams back together.”

I’m holding it together, exhausted from being up to late with emergency room drama and then needing to be at work at 4a. Thanks Starbucks for thinking I need to be up this early.

All of this just pulls the mortality of this priceless short life into my full view. It is dark and hard to look at and my eyes,my heart, want to turn away and not look. Pretend that the cruel truth of this life is that my mom will die and leave me someday and I won’t have her to lean on and depend on. I feel scared that I love Joe so much that if I lost him it may actually be harder than my ordeal with Dick. (see my long emotional story post for that back story)

I guess all of this brings forward the human fear of loss. And we all have it. If we are human. And I just don’t like it being at the fore front of my exhausted brain this morning.

I will still love without reserve. I will tell my mom how amazing she is, how I love her more than the stars, and I will make sure she knows that I would choose her as my mom ove rand over no matter what the choices because she taught me the best kind of love.

I will tell Joe in no uncertain terms, that I love him, that I’m giddy and happy to be with him no matter what that looks like in the future and no matter what happens ever.

I will hug my kids and slather them in love. Make them know just how much and deep my feelings are.

I will tell my friends they are wanted and amazing and appreciated.

My lunch is almost over so I will take my emotions and swallow them with my Xanax since I’m drive thru bar and I need to be able to focus.

I send you off today with all my love.

Goodbye

Life so big
Life so small

Being a person
With no time at all

In a blink of an eye
All gone and no more

Sitting on the curbside
Near heavens door

Why so sad?
Why so low?

Life was too short
My Lord you know

Be comforted in love
Be happy in death

Be assured that they knew you loved them
Be comforted that you are missed

Look towards the earth
See all their tears

Love them as you would
We’re you still near

Be free of your fear
Be free of your pain

Your love with draw you To them
It will bring you back again

This poem is very sad and dark but it is what was on my heart. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme)

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Amazing

Love is amazing. God’s love is in fact the most amazing thing ever. I am astonished at how in times when I feel the most alone he reveals to me how untrue that is.
I went to church this morning. Feeling sad and alone. And guess what? Well God spent the whole service telling me I am not supposed to be alone. Brilliant right! I am so glad to have gotten up this morning and gone to church. To have spent time listening to God remind me that even though he has more than taken the time to spank me over my choices and decision this past year, but that he reminded me that he loves me, he does it for my own good, that he wants me to grow, and not be alone.
I really needed that. Needed the love portion today. Somedays are admonishing, getting told what you are doing wrong, and other days are days when God decides that he has told you enough, you have finally listened and now he wants you to remember that despite your mistakes, your choices and your life, that he loves you, no matter what, and that his mercy is new every morning. Each day we can start over fresh knowing that God loves us, Jesus died for us, and we are made new in him  if we will let him be born in us.
 
Thank you God for today, and I am grateful and I am hopeful for the future whatever that may be.
 
My love always,
Lady X
 
P.S. Later tomorrow or so I will post on the conversation between me and Carlos. It was sad, and happy and amazing, and sad some more and seeing him broke my heart all over again. Seeing the pain in his face, seeing his heartache made mine worse. But God is good, and he is going to do good works in Carlos and me, and maybe, just maybe with God’s help and grace Carlos and I will find a way to be friends.

Tomorrow

I’ll see you. I think its pointless but I will do it. 

Call after 8:15pm. I want the kids in bed before I leave. I told my mom I am going out with work friends so this time you get to be the secret. I hope this visit isn’t going to make this worse. I can’t take much more and you need to tread lightly with me. I am not feeling strong right now, and I know I need to be. I have gone over what you could need to say to me a million times and I can’t come up with any reason for you to think we need to talk. I am baffled and it is only my sick and twisted curiosity that propels me to see and talk to you at all. 

Make this visit worth it Carlos. Because I have lost all patience and trust and hope with all of this situation and I am more guarded than you have ever seen. I am on the edge and I don’t want this to be what pushes me over. I don’t need that nor do my girls. I have endured more than I ever should have had to with this and it hasn’t been fair and I don’t want to leave this situation hating you. I want to find a peace that will help me move on so that maybe I can look back and be grateful for the positive things you taught me and to be able to look past the feelings of betrayal and pain and hurt that I have now. I know I am 1/3 at fault for all of this. I will take my share of blame. Don’t think I lay it all on you. My stupid emotions got the best of me when I knew better. The timer told me no, don’t get attached but you and my heart convinced me otherwise. I should have listened to the ticking. But there is plenty of blame to go around. So I happily share that part with you.

If you still want to talk and meet then just call me after 8:15pm, I will already be ready to leave. We can arrange a place to meet and finish this.

The Talk

So Carlos wants to talk. Now I don’t see the point. I can’t figure out how it could possibly be could to see the person you love and have them try to explain to you how exactly it is supposed to be better this way. So tomorrow night we will meet up and after having not seen his face since he told me to bugger off, we can see each other so he can explain to me the mysterious way this is all going to feel better.
 
Sounds like crap to me. But I will give him the chance to attempt to tell me his way of making me a less jaded person.  One of my coworkers has decided my new title is: Bitter little ray of sunshine.
 
Brilliant right? I think so. I see drinks on Sunday night in my future, and I am sure after Saturday I am going to need them.

Too Much

Love is an interesting thing. When most people have it they take it for granted. I had love.  And I cherished it. I was grateful to have it. The person I loved knew it and they were grateful too. But there are people on this planet that will stop at nothing to make sure that others are unhappy.

So here I sit on this fine Thanksgiving day no longer being loved by the man that made my heart smile. I am instead thinking today how grateful I am for my children.  How I need to remember that happiness is a choice I make each day. Today I chose happiness.  I had my sad moments.

It’s funny to me the things that you miss when you no longer find yourself in a relationship. Like terms of endearment.  A touch, a kiss, a caress. A sigh, a hug, the feel of your loves breath on your cheek or neck. Things that you share only with that special someone. A growl of passion , a look of desire. Sigh.

Love is a crazy thing. I pray tonight that everyone someday feels the love that I felt this year. I Pray that God  will give me a chance to feel that love again someday.

All my love always,
Lady X

The Stone – DMB

I’ve this creeping
Suspicion that things here are not as they seem
Oh, reassure me
Why do I feel as if I’m in too deep?
Oh, I’ve been praying
For some way to show them
I’m not what they see
Oh, I have done wrong
But what I did I thought needed be done
I swear
Oh, Unholy day
If I leave now I might get away
God knows it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go
I was just wondering if you’d come along
Hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go a long way
Far from that fool’s mistake
And now forever pay
No, run
I will run and I’ll be ok
I was just wondering if you’d come along
Hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go a long way
To bury the past
For I don’t want to pay
Oh, and I wish this
To turn back the clock and do over again
I was just wondering if you’d come along
Hold up my head when my head won’t hold on
I’ll do the same if the same’s what you want
But if not I’ll go
I will go alone
Oh, I need so
To stay in your arms see you smile hold you close
Oh, And it weighs on me
As heavy as stone and a bone chilling cold
I was just wondering if you’d come along
Just tell me you will
Let it all fall out
Let it all fall out

The Ghost of You

Ghost of You – Selena Gomez
Turn my back, to the door
Feel so much better now
Don’t even try anymore
Nothing left to lose
There’s a voice that’s in the air
Saying don’t look back no where
There’s a voice that’s always there
And I’ll never be
Quite the same
As I was before this
Part of you still remains
Though it’s out of focus
You’re just somewhere that I’ve been
And I won’t go back again
You’re just somewhere that I’ve been
I’m breathing in I’m breathing out
Ain’t that what it’s all about
I’m living life crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No my words
In my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I don’t think I’ll ever break through
The ghost of you
And I’ll never be like I was
The day I met you
Too naive, yes I was
Boy thats why I let you in
Wear your memory like a stain
Can’t erase or numb the pain
Here to stay with me forever
I’m breathing in I’m breathing out
Ain’t that what it’s all about
I’m living life crazy loud
Like I have the right to
No more words
In my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I don’t think I’ll ever break through
The ghost of you
One of these days
I’ll wake up from this bad dream I’m dreaming
One of these days
I pray that I’ll be
Over over over you
One of these days I realize
That I’m so tired of feeling confused
But for now there’s a reason
That your still here in my heart
I’m breathing in I’m breathing out
Ain’t that what it’s all about
I’m living life crazy loud
Like I have the right too
No more words
In my mouth
Nothing left for me to doubt
But I don’t think I’ll ever break through
The ghost of you
Breathing in, breathing out
Breathing in, breathing out
Life I have the right to
No more words in my mouth
Nothing left to figure out
But I don’t think I’ll ever break through
The ghost of you