I was awoke this morning from a text message from a coworker that I messed up the milk order. Brilliant. This falls in line with all of my other failures this last week while I am in training for my promotion to be a shift supervisor at Starbucks.
I want so much to be good at my job. And getting a promotion at Starbucks to shift supervisor was great. The raise was nice. More than I expected and the boss that drove me crazy is gone replaced my a female ginger that I really like.
But my coworker who got promoted at the same time with me is making it hard to not hate him. And that sucks, cause before the promotion I mostly liked him.
Now he wants to point out every time I get something wrong. And it is driving me crazy. I get it, it is possible that he will be better at this in the beginning than me because he is naturally an asshole. But I just really am not going to put up with him doing this to me constantly. I really am going to give him one more week of this and if he keeps it up I will tell him, then I will tell my boss. I don’t want to hate my job because the person I thought was a friend has decided it is fun to pick on me for all of my short comings.
It is making me hate working with him and it is making me even more self conscious about my job. It is hard to make the transition into being a boss, now I have to do it with a parrot on my shoulder telling me all of the things I do wrong.
Awesome. What a great morning this has turned out to be.
Maybe I will get lucky and my coworker will fail miserably somewhere today and I can hear about it later. I know that is petty but at this moment I don’t care.
My thoughts, my words a figure of who I am. They give form to the lifeless swirling void of information that swirls inside me. Threatning all life and love if I don’t allow it an avenue at which to break free.
Somedays I feel like the words are all I have. The things in this life that are so temporary, so fleeting, the words stay. They are ever present, ever growing. Always constant. They are here, providing me with comfort and sometimes providing me with moments of insanity. The kind that doesn’t get me out in jail, or get me into trouble. I am not one for getting into trouble. That is why all my drinking friends are safe. No worries about being taken advantage of. Sadly.
Depending on the moment I may want to take advantage of them. Though I can’t take advantage of Sammy (shes a girl) and my door swings just the one way. Though I did tell her once we should give Joe a threesome just because we pick on him so. She choked on her drink and it was freakin hilarious.
Today, I dont feel good. Allergies and asthma plague me, have left me tired and listless, and the dayquil and redbull are hopefully my ticket to feeling more awake so I can work a long long shift at the Bucks tonight. I know I will snap out of it, I just have to wait it out. Tonight’s tequila and movie may have to be postponed if I don’t feel better. Sigh.
My naughty story posted before this has had good reviews from my friends. I am indeed a writer at heart. Now if I could get paid for the writing or the photography I could work at the Bucks for fun and just do the other stuff to pay the bills.
This post has no direction and I apologize, I am drifting like a ship at sea, no wind in my sails. Just going where the thoughts take me. Though I try not in my medicated stupor to travel down any roads that may bring me into the point of whining. Though I am sure I have epicly failed at that anyway. Damn you stupid allergies, damn you asthma, damn you lack of restful sleep. The fitful, jumbled dream mess of sleep that I participated in last night shouldn’t count for anything. It was worthless.
My heart races in my chest, asthma meds, redbull and dayquil. Bad combo? Maybe. There will be lots of witnesses to my downfall if I fall out at work. Indeed that moment, will not be as funny as I would like it to be. Sigh. If you freak out it is supposed to be funny, I certainly don’t want to worry anyone.
My ramblings are useless. My heart rate has slowed down some. I wish I could take a nap. Its too close to work though. It will just make me more tired. The day will go so slow. I won’t even know what to do with myself. Sigh sigh sigh.
Till later dearest blog.
All My Love,
This post was supposed to be cool. The yesterday it was supposed to be about amazing family friend park day, then later on yesterday this post was supposed to be how my six year old fell down a ditch at the park and got two staples in her head.
Now this post is about how it is after six am, and I think I have slept all of thirty minutes since I have been home from work. I got home at midnight. Insomnia is new to me. I am not used to being stuck awake. I really feel like I should be able to lay down and go to sleep. Feel that pleasant rest wash over me. Instead I am awake, no hope for escape from the hopeless lack of rest that plagues me currently. I am up, and my head hurts and I am tired and I have so much to do today that I am anxious about how to get it all done, rest at some point and then close up Starbucks tonight.
It’s just plain not fair.
I’m so tired I can’t sleep. My head swarms with so many thoughts. So many things, things I can’t escape thinking of. People, places, things. I am a story book, and someone left me open, they left my inner tv set turned on and I am unable to find the sleep button, or the restart. Wish the power button behind my ear actually worked. I would have powered down hours ago.
So what do I do? I seek solace in the words of this blog. Feel them pour out of me, leave me words. Leave me be, let me rest, just a few hours before the day begins yet I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know how to survive today on no sleep. I know I work in a coffee shop but espresso only works for so long. Then it is ineffective.
Jimi thing is playing on my iPad right now. It’s fitting. All I want is what I don’t got, but what I need is all around me.
If you could Keep me floating, just for a while.
I’d like to show you what’s inside, but I sure don’t care if you don’t like it.
Oh please sleep. Please.
Time for a snack and another attempt at sleep.
Think of me blogger peeps as I meander my way through this long day.
All my love,
So daylight savings time, and work have ruined my sleep schedule. I am awake and I have so much to do tomorrow that it is quite ridiculous. Instead I am here, typing absurdities as I lie awake. My bed covered in almost all of my children. This is my own fault. Sickness let me sleep till 1:30pm yesterday so I am sure that has something to do with it. But it is far too late for me to take anything for it now. Sigh. So the late night rantings will continue.
For instance,(graphic and sexual content to follow) self gratification does not make me sleepy. So the hot bath and erotic solo bathtub action was unsuccessful in helping me feel sleepy. In fact, now I am hungry.
And as far as food goes, I don’t need to eat anything this late either. Just another bit of unhappiness at being awake, I’m hungry yet I don’t need to eat. Though now that I think about it, popcorn at the movies with my brother was my dinner. I may have skipped a few meals today. Oops.
I know better than to skip food, now I have a headache and I can’t sleep and I hate everything. I feel like Lara croft in the first movie, when her house was all shot up, and the ups guy was looking around, and she says, “I just woke up this morning and I hated everything.” that’s me right now.
Sleepy, hungry, lonely, disgrunteled. Sigh, I’m a hot mess. Nothing to do but wait till exhaustion claims me. Tomorrow is a red bull day.
Dream sweet dreams, hot dreams, possibly illicit dreams. But do dream and dream big.
I spend a lot of time wondering why other people get away with so much. I am speaking in worldly terms so I don’t need a philosophical answer nor do I need to hear about Kharma. I am merely complaining and I promise when I am done I will get off my soap box.
My ex is seeing a therapist, this alone is amusing. But I digress that I can’t tell you why I find it that way. His shrink says that his kids cause his pain. So he doesn’t see them on Wednesdays anymore. So when I went to get them tonight the older ones wanted to stay and he told them they could. My little one wants her older siblings to come home with her, and after a dramatic conversation and me telling them they had to come home I look like the bad guy. I got them frappiccinos so they are happy with me now but it shouldn’t have been an issue. My oldest answers me with, but we don’t see daddy that much anymore. This isn’t my fault. I had nothing to do with that. I let him and the kids figure that out. I hate being the bad guy. I just want to pick up my kids, have them be grateful to see me, and then come home. Is almost worse to get them now. Plus next weekend he gets them on one of my Saturday’s since that is our arrangement since he doesn’t have them on Wednesday anymore.
I just wish I knew what to do. I am a lone single mom. Plus my sister moved out and took her boys so now I am on my own two nights a week for a sitter so I may have to change my availability at work. I’m frustrated and tired, I have been sick for like a month and half, I await for things to get easier and yet they don’t. If this life and all of the hardness that I struggle with is what I get then fine, I want nothing else. But I will continue to pray for a light at the end of the tunnel.
(steps off soap box) you may continue your day.
All my love,
I am aware today of how quickly people in this world can take things away from you. I found out yesterday while at work that someone thought they should call Child Protective Services on my family (CPS). You are never aware more of all the things that you wish you could do till someone shows up and questions your children without your knowledge, asks them how you take care of them. Picks apart your life, and makes you feel smaller than the tiniest of insects.
I am a good mother. I am not the best one ever and I make mistakes. But by no means do I deserve the looks I now feel I get from my childrens teachers, the looks I feel exist when my common sense tells me they don’t. I work hard to provide for my kids, I spend quality time with them, I feed them and clothe them, spoil them, too much according to my brother, and to what end? I am being investigated for being a bad parent. There is no greater humiliation than having people look at your children to see if you beat them, to see if you are hurting them, to see if they get fed, if their clothes are clean and fit them.
This truly is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. Divorce was easy. Leaving my bad situation, a piece of cake. This, this is terrible and awful and I have no reason to worry, and I have nothing to hide. Instead I get to feel bad when it isn’t deserved.
What is worse is that whoever called gets away with it. There is no vindication for being wrongfully accused. No punishment for those calling me a bad mother. None at all. Just me waiting for the rest of this investigation to pass, me to sit and patiently wait while they question my boss, while they ask my family questions.
Regardless of all of this I still think the Evil W did this to me. It is far too convienent that her and I just had our fight via text on tuesday night and thursday I am dealing with CPS. I heart tells me she did it. Carlos says that she protests that she would never. right……
As many times as she has threatened me with it. She has spent a year threatning me with all the awful things she could come up with. I think she is just mad that I left because I was told to by someone other than her. You think with as messed up as her own life is she would just leave everyone else alone. But alas, she needs more than that to keep her busy.
So while this CPS thing is a huge pain, I have nothing to hide, I am a good mother and I will get through this. But I will be vindicated, God will take care of it. As I have said a million times and I will say it again.
Kharma is a bitch.