Selfish

I am selfish.

I hope this doesn’t surprise you. I have said on many occasions that I hate sharing my children with my ex. I continue to believe that a child deserves the best a parent can offer. He is losing his girls right before my eyes. I will not intervene. And I have warned him. But that is another post. The sharing thing is just one example of how I am selfish.

The other example is Joseph. I am terribly selfish. And lucky. That he understands and responds in kind the way I need him to.

See, Joseph is working on his degree. He has a degree in Audio Engineering. He used to work for Funimation. A huge company that produces a lot of Anime for this side of the world. Translating it. He even did voice overs as well as sound. His name appears in the credits of many things. He, however, decided that he wanted to do something that would keep him near his family. So he went back to school for Software Engineering. (I am going somewhere with this so bear with me)

Joseph, when we were dating, worked at Starbucks, as well as went to school. At the time that worked. For a while I was worried what would happen when the harder classes came up, and he would have to stop working. What would that be like? Would I be okay with that? Him not working. I grew up thinking that a man wasn’t worth much if he wasn’t working. So when the time came for him to stop working and focus on school, he had saved up a lot, and we lived off that savings and my income. That was fine. What happened next surprised me. I became accustomed to having him home with me. He went to school after the girls were off to school and then he would come home. We would spend the evenings as a family.

This spoiled me. Joseph and I have the same love languages. Touch and quality time. For me they go in that order, and I can tell you with almost certainty that his do as well. This makes for an amazingly easy relationship. It also makes for a high maintenance one. We require a lot of each other. A lot. I wish that I could say this bigger. We miss each other when we leave to do our daily things. We don’t leave the house without kissing the other goodbye. I wake him, every morning, at 4:18 am, to kiss him, say I love you and tell him that I will see him soon.

So last year, when summer came, he got a job. He did valet at the Gaylord for Park Place. He did valet in the past and he is good at it. So he was hired and we worked opposing shifts so that our girls are always covered. We work hard to keep them out of the hands of strangers.

I hated it. It was terrible. I slept alone till the middle of the night, he worked all my days off, and I was miserable. It wasn’t worth it. When it was finally over, and he went back to school I was relieved. Our time together was restored. We both recharge each other, and I was so drained. The quality time was taken away. Instead, stress and loneliness filled the space. He and I were too tired to spend time that was quality together, and the girls missed their evenings with him.

I vowed that when summer came this year, and the time for him to find a summer job was upon us that I would say no. I told him that I would not share him again. Money is just money. I don’t value things. I value people. He is my person. That special person that I swear GOD created just for me and my girls. He completes our family. I know that people make sacrifices to live a more easy life when it comes to money and finances. But I would rather be careful, and frugal, and skip this movie, and that time to go out or money on some hallmark holiday and instead save that so that we have more hours together as a family. This time we have with our girls is so short. We want to be there for them in each moment. So when people ask me if Joseph is going to work over the summer so we can save more, I say no. I would rather lose out on some trinket, and spend time together with my husband and our daughters, than miss hours with him for memories that are better made at home.

Together we grow and we work hard. He works hard educating himself so that he can be our provider. I work hard to see him succeed and to give our family a strong life and a strong sense of how important family is.

I need him by my side through all the little things. When our girls are all grown up, we will realize that all of those small things were really big things, and I will be glad that I sacrificed material things for family time that was so much more important than anything that money can by.

Together we are a team, and we are teaching our girls that even if you do things late in life and you don’t figure it all out when you are young, you can still have a bright, successful future if you believe and you work hard.

I will always be selfish for family time. For my girls, for my husband and even for me. We deserve that. Who can argue with that?

Always,

Just me.

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