I lost it at work the other day. Monday to be precise. That Clomid that I was taking sure messed up my hormones. I expected that. I didn’t expect to see another negative pregnancy test. I didn’t expect it to hurt so much. I have held it (mostly together) for near a year and a half. I didn’t expect to see some of our newly wed (just hit their one year) friends to announce they were expecting. I didn’t expect to be hurt and jealous and so very sad. I held my own through most of the morning. Until my sweet husband came to check on me. Seeing his face, thinking of my failures as a woman. I could barely speak. I pushed through.
Then everyone kept asking if I was ok. I was not, in any way, ok. I lost it. The tears fell, and I was ushered off the floor to the many open arms and faces of love and comfort of my partners, my friends.
I visited with my doctor. Joseph and I (prior to my mini breakdown) had already decided that if I wasn’t pregnant this month that we needed a break. Despite my attempt at continued hope , I was having it met with 16 months of Plummeting disappointment. I found myself less hopeful and tired. I would look into my husbands face and it mirrored the sadness I felt. My doctor expressed that a break may be just what we need.
So after much prayer, and talk with our doctor, we are taking a break. A much needed,well deserved break.
I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. I have wanted a lot of things in this life. Things that were unattainable. Things not meant to be. My heart prays that we are just waiting. Not finding ourselves forced later into quitting. Everything in Gods time. I wait for his okay. My heart aches to see my daughters play with their new baby brother or sister. I long to see Joseph hold his child and see that look of awe on his face. He loves his daughters, and I can see that adoration of them on his face. It isn’t the same as that first glimpse of your baby. I want that.
So as we get reasy to celebrate Easter, the resurrection day of our Lord, Jesus, I want to think of this time as a rebirth for myself. Time to pray and to meditate. To find the rest that the Lord has promised me I will find in him.
This break gives me great hope. When the time comes that I get to be a mother again, to our own or perhaps adopted, it will be a glorious day . One filled with thanks, with joy and with the love of a family and a mighty God who has stood by us.
With those as my odds, how can I not have hope?
All of my love