The fight against Futility

nounplural futilities for 2, 3.


the quality of being futileineffectiveness;uselessness.


a trifle or frivolity:

the large collection of futilities that clutter ourminds.


afutileact or event.
I am struggling. Perhaps we will say today has been a struggle. I think that the good days for sure outnumber the ones where I feel I am fighting the tide. I have realized the error in my ways. The reasons that I am struggling. I have spent far too long on my want here. What I want. What I think I need. What I long for. I am fighting against the futility of what I want when it obviously isn’t God’s plan right now.
Today, after sitting in my car, fighting back tears of jealousy as yet another of my friends is having a baby. I decided something. She is my friend, and I love her. I truly want nothing but the best and healthiest of pregnancies and babies. I stopped thinking about me. I prayed for her. For health, for a sticky baby that stays where it belongs till it is time for it to be born. Then I thought about my other friends. I prayed for them too. I prayed for my selfishness to fade away. For it to be replaced by the love for others, the need to help them. No matter what the cause, what they need. To find a way to fill it. To bring light and positivity to everyone that I come in contact with. This world isn’t about me. Or what I want. It is about what I can do for others to bring life and light and Christ into their lives. To show them that you can love and be loved and show what God intended for us to share. Love. Not judgement, not hate, not selfishness. But love. Just love. His greatest commandment. I spend so much time all too absorbed lately in what I want. ‘
No more.
No more.
No more.
I will say it and it will stick with me. I am a child of God and I am full of love to give and I will spread it around and I will shower people who need it and even those who don’t.
What did I learn today? That I am able to fall short, that I can make mistakes, that I don’t always choose the right option. I also know something that I don’t need to learn. Because I know it. God loves me no matter what. No matter my selfishness the past few months and my soul yearning baby journey. No matter my (I am sure) occasional thoughtlessness. I will not be that person. It isn’t who I am.
I don’t lack for anything that I need. God has met every need I have and overabundantly provided for me and my family. I will make sure that he is proud of what he has given me.
I take my life out of the hands of the futile struggle against my infertility. I take a long hard break from that, I will wait for God’s guidance as to whether or not we will ever find ourselves there again. I place my hands in Christ Jesus and I ask him take help me. And since I am blessed to have friends that will sharpen me, as iron sharpens iron, I will pray, I will fast, I will give, I will spend time with my girls, I will love my husband, and I will LIVE this life to the fullest, spreading love and happiness all along my way.
If God is for me, who can be against me?
All my love always,

Finding rest

I lost it at work the other day. Monday to be precise.  That Clomid that I was taking sure messed up my hormones. I expected that. I didn’t expect to see another negative pregnancy test. I didn’t expect it to hurt so much. I have held it (mostly together) for near a year and a half. I didn’t expect to see some of our newly wed (just hit their one year) friends to announce they were expecting. I didn’t expect to be hurt and jealous and so very sad. I held my own through most of the morning. Until my sweet husband came to check on me. Seeing his face, thinking of my failures as a woman. I could barely speak. I pushed through. 

Then everyone kept asking if I was ok. I was not, in any way, ok. I lost it. The tears fell, and I was ushered off the floor to the many open arms and faces of love and comfort of my partners, my friends.

I visited with my doctor. Joseph and I (prior to my mini breakdown) had already decided that if I wasn’t pregnant this month that we needed a break. Despite my attempt at continued hope , I was having it met with 16 months of Plummeting disappointment. I found myself less hopeful and tired. I would look into my husbands face and it mirrored the sadness I felt. My doctor expressed that a break may be just what we need. 

So after much prayer, and talk with our doctor, we are taking a break. A much needed,well deserved break.

I’m not quite sure how to feel about it. I have wanted a lot of things in this life. Things that were unattainable. Things not meant to be. My heart prays that we are just waiting. Not finding ourselves forced later into quitting. Everything in Gods time. I wait for his okay. My heart aches to see my daughters play with their new baby brother or sister. I long to see Joseph hold his child and see that look of awe on his face. He loves his daughters, and I can see that adoration of them on his face. It isn’t the same as that first glimpse of your baby. I want that.

So as we get reasy to celebrate Easter, the resurrection day of our Lord, Jesus, I want to think of this time as a rebirth for myself. Time to pray and to meditate. To find the rest that the Lord has promised me I will find in him. 

This break gives me great hope. When the time comes that I get to be a mother again, to our own or perhaps adopted, it will be a glorious day . One filled with thanks, with joy and with the love of a family and a mighty God who has stood by us.

With those as my odds, how can I not have hope?

All of my love