At the prompting of my sister and husband I am taking a walk through my feelings today.
See, I am struggling with the thought of never having another baby. Not just any baby. But my sweet husband’s baby. I have always wanted four. Not sure why. When I left my ex I was sure I wouldn’t meet anyone who would want a pre made family let alone want to add to it.
Now I find myself married to the most amazing man. And for nine months now we have been trying to get pregnant. I know that isn’t that long. I know that couples can spend years trying. For my brain I just hear myself saying, “You are in your mid thirties, you are passing that point of being able to have babies. You have other fertility issues. You should be grateful for what you have.”
I am grateful, by the way. I am more than favored by God to have beautiful daughters and an amazing husband who loves them so much they might as well be his actual daughters. They are for sure his in his heart.
So lately the baby thing is constantly in my face. Both of my sisters on my fathers side were pregnant and just labor day weekend my youngest sister had a beautiful baby girl. My other sister will be having hers in a few months. I also just found out a few days ago that the severe sickness my sister in law has been dealing with is not a virus. But a baby. She is just a few weeks pregnant. They don’t know I know. But I won’t lie when I say that I cried. They didn’t want a baby yet, and she was on birth control. To say I am sad, depressed, jealous, would all be honest. I wish no one anything bad in my jealousy. Many of my close friends know what a struggle and a huge want this is for me and my husband. I guess God isn’t ready for us to have a baby, doesn’t intend for us to have one, or wants me to stop worrying about it. (That last one for sure). I know God is delaying us finding out anything about my fertility just on the note that my voicemails to my OB last week were lost. SO the window to have the procedure that looks to see if my fallopian tubes are obstructed from scar tissue from my endometriosis can’t be done now. We will have to wait till next month or just decide not to bother at all.
I spent some time looking around the other day. I have a lot. We aren’t well off and we spend lots of time broke, but we are rich in love, in family, in time together. Not everyone has that. Lots of people don’t. I am trying to spend more time remembering that the baby thing is just a want. I am not defined by my ability to carry a child. I am not more of a woman if I can have a baby. I have proven in three beautiful girls that it can.
What my heart and my head can’t wrap around is not being able to get pregnant when the one time in my life I don’t want it to be an accident. I want to conceive with my husband. The man who has gotten up with me every hour and a half for two months while our girls were sick with a nasty cough. The man who holds me while I cry and tells me that I am enough, that he loves me. That his feelings for me are for me. They aren’t based on my ability to give him a child. To carry a little piece of him and me. I cry as I type this. The love that shown in his face while he held me as the tears coated my cheeks as I let go of my fake strength and I held onto him and let him be strong. “I love you no matter what. We have the girls, and all of this life. That is something. I would lie if I said I didn’t want to have a child with you. But it isn’t something that we have to have, and it doesn’t change us.”
I realize as I type this that he lets me be a woman. All the emotionally mushy stuff that we are. He is the one I have finally let go. I can just be me. I don’t have to be strong all the time.
The last thing that is hard for me to grasp, and every woman who has struggled with this can relate, is having the decision taken from you. I guess maybe I don’t want to know if we can, or we can’t, have a baby. Then I don’t have to admit that either of us is broken. We can leave it up to God and he can choose to bless us with a child, or bless us with the family we have. Make no mistake though, I know we are looked upon with love and favor, and I will tell myself to always remember that so that in the times when I am overwhelmed by the world that I am surrounded by that I know that I am not alone, I am loved, and I am precious. Not just in the eyes of my creator, but in the eyes of my husband and my children. None of that is defined by what I can do for them, for what I can give them. It is defined by the love that I have for them.
That is all.
I hope that the couples that have no doubt struggled with fertility issues far longer than this will understand that I don’t in anyway feel like my struggle could compare. I know that it hasn’t been that long. 6 pregnancies and only 3 girls later, I know this. Life is precious. It is why we want to protect it. When we know how we can love a child, it makes the struggle so much more.
I pray for all the couples, the families that want a child, whether their own or adopted, and I pray they find peace, resolution and love that surrounds and abounds like a warm hug when things are low. I pray they are filled up with love and peace and that someday the needs and wants of their hearts are filled.