Finally

When I was going through my drama with my ex husband, my emotional cheating, my unhappiness, all of the lies that my ex decided he should tell me he had been doing to me over the years, I had one longing.

I waned to belong to someone. That someone at the time was Dick. 

Now my drama continued, but the day before my birthday I was told by Dick that he found someone else. A real person. Instead of the imaginary relationship he and I were living 2000 miles away from each other. I was hurt and angry. But I understood. He knew that I wasn’t going to go there if he didn’t ask. He wasn’t going to ask. So there really was no hope. There are places on this blog where I have written in those early times how I just wanted to be his. That longing moved onwards into my next serious relationship with Carlos. There was no point that I ever felt like his either.  

This feeling is primitive. Feminists will probably say that real woman don’t feel the need to belong to a man. Well I have news for you. This is a feeling that was GOD given. We need our other half. NEED.  

Joseph tells me all the time that I am his. I love it. It is wonderful. He always means it. 

We had a powerful moment the other night. Lying in bed. Just talking, snuggling. Yes, yes, there was some groping. But just the sweet kind. I saw him smile. I love that sight, because I know I am the reason why he smiles. Or at least a main reason.

“I love to make you smile, you look so happy. I love that”, I say. 

He hugs me tight, my face against his neck. 

“I smile because you make me happy. You don’t really don’t have to do anything. I smile because you are mine.” he says simply.

It wasn’t a complicated sentence. It wasn’t a proposal, though we have talked about getting married many times. It was a statement of fact. It reaffirmed what I already knew. I am his. He is mine. No questions, no drama. Just a simple, wonderful love. 

That is all I ever wanted. It was exactly what we both needed. I smile because it’s true. 

Things have been super crazy this week. Our dog died, my ex is a dramatic sick person who pushes drama into our lives, and a ticket for making a left turn from the wrong lane is making my financial life miserable. If you asked me though, I really wouldn’t have it any other way. Money never made me happy.

It turns out, all I needed was love.

Just say yes.

Always,

Lady X

 

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5 thoughts on “Finally

  1. Lady X this is beautiful because it comes from a very deep and vulnerable place in your heart. However, I do have a challenging question for you? Do you believe that your God also created your ex husband who brings drama to your life and loves him? It’s easy to love and extend tolerance to someone who is easy to love and tolerate, but the real challenge of what and who we are is when we are presented with people who are hard to love, hard to tolerate…have you ever wondered why this is all happening? who created this situation? the more we embrace our own correction, the more fulfilled lives we live, and the closer we get to The Creator.

    1. I know that God created my ex. I also know that he loves him unconditionally as well. I also know that God brought me out of an emotionally abusive situation that I allowed for years. There were many attempts made to fix the marriage before it ended. MANY. I was alone in my attempts to change me to suit him better, and I was alone in my attempts to fix the things that were wrong in my marriage. I do not hate my ex. I really have found that I have no ability to hate at all. I made many changes and sacrificed myself for 14 years before I realized it wasn’t ever going to happen. No matter what I did, it was my fault. He was unhappy because I didn’t try enough, he was sick because I didn’t pray enough, or pray good enough to help him get better. There are paragraphs and paragraphs that I could write to help you understand where this all comes from. Why I find myself here. Too many words, too many lies that I was told, too many tears cried. I know why this is all happening. I believed a lie that my ex husband would love and cherish me as a person. I then continued to believe it through 3 children, marriage counciling, prayer at church, laying hands, anointing with oil., praying ceaselessly. It happened because I married a selfish man, who put himself first before God and before his wife. I created the situation by letting him treat me that way. I let it go on for far too long. I accepted all the blame because I felt it was mine to bear. Abuse is different that finding someone hard to love or tolerate. I was able to love and tolerate for 13 years. It was year 14 that I found that his screaming at me, and then using my precious daughters as ammo against me, and yelling at them when they harmlessly played in another room and scared them. I was unable to do it anymore after he threatened to throw a plugged in toaster with my bathing young nephews for splashing too loudly even though they weren’t even making a mess. I know that God loves him, I know that God made him in his image. But Satan corrupted him and grew him into a selfish man who is unable to even properly love his girls because of his selfish choices. I praise God ever day that he loves my ex. And I am still grateful for the gifts of my daughters that I got from my ex. I am also grateful for every single painful year I was married. I learned things. Good things, and bad things. It helped me recognize in myself a codependent behavior that had let me take so much for so long. I conquered that behavior. I am better for it now.

      Sorry this was so long winded. It was what was on my heart. I have grown very close to God in these years of hardship, I am still growing. It is something that I can be grateful for.

      1. Thank you for sharing your heart with all those who appreciate the Beaty and light within you. You have taken on a very courageous, mature perspective on all of it and that is why you are stronger and closer to the Light–a true master piece.

  2. Yes – my love is 12,000 miles away on the other side of the world and today on Skype he said those very words “I smile because you make me happy”. Enjoy what you have now. 🙂

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