So many things to say. How to write them all. I worry sometimes at my inability to express all that I feel. Sometimes feelings so much can be overwhelming. I have realized that I had suppressed so much of how I felt about things in this life that when I finally did remember what it was like to love and feel that it became a flood. So much to express.
Love for my girls, the anxiety of watching them grow up in this poison filled world and still make sure they know the love of God, the love of a mom and dad, and make sure they are able to show the world love.
The reality of this love is also a love of letting go. Children are not meant to stay with you forever. We must raise them to leave. It sounds sad but it is the way that life works. It is a brilliant little cycle. It is why you need a mate in this life. Someone to share life with when the kiddoes grow up and leave you to live their own lives. From the moment they are born, you are already training them to leave. It is the cruel fate of a parent. To love someone so much. To spend so much time keeping them safe, teaching, and giving them all the love you have. Pouring into them all of your knowledge, even when they don’t want it. It all is for that moment that they stand up and walk away. This sounds dramatic and very rough. Alas, it is where we all start and where we all go. Life continues forward this way. It is how we learn to let go. Each step closer to college is a moment that is teachable and that can be filled with laughter and love.
When all of that is said and done, what is left is you and your spouse. The person you have built your life with. Or in my case, rebuilt my life with. I have lots of divorced friends, sad to say. But most of us came from situations that really had no other options. I know that God does not approve of abuse. In any form, so I know that even though there are Christians that look down on those of us who didn’t make it through, my God loves me. That really is all that matters in that.
Love is rough. When I say that I mean that when you start over, there are places that your mind goes that make it hard for you. When my divorce was final, I was still in a tumultuous relationship with Carlos, and having the proper kind of hope was hard. Things were so uncertain. When I broke it off I had thoroughly convinced myself that I had nothing left. Just me and the girls. Part of me had resigned myself to being an old spinster that lived with her sister. The thought was there. Who wants to pick up a 31 year old divorcee with 3 beautiful little suitcases? I literally wouldn’t have blamed the male populace for deciding that it was far too much work and too much drama to even try.
But love is also amazing. As the title says, the deep of the ocean. Love is like that. Deeper than we can imagine. The love we have for our children is like that. It is the closest to the unconditional love of God that we can feel. There is also the love of a man for a woman, and a woman for a man. The right ones, that it. I learned so much, and have written pages and pages about it. What I find though, is that day by day, my kids teach me more about their love, and Joseph teaches me more about his love. That love that a man has for a woman. I never knew it before. Not like this. While I finally knew what love looked like, and what it could feel like after Carlos, I never knew that anything could be like this.
This love with my Joseph is complicated to describe. When the time comes for me to put it into words.
For a time, when I would see images on facebook of happy husband and wives, I assumed they were all lying. I really didn’t believe that there were couples out there that were actually happy most of the time. It seemed to me, as if some magical universe existed on facebook where people were forced to pretend to be happy. I was not into the whole pretending thing. My facebook status read married. But I had refused to mark on it who my spouse was. He then hacked my facebook to make it say who I was married to, just backing up one of many reasons why I didn’t want it listed as such.
Now, years later. Having been through so much. I can say now that, there are married people who love each other that way. I see it all the time now. Astonished at how wrong I was, I now want to shout it to the entire world. Show them what brilliant, wonderful, passionate, unabashed love looks like. It is something I want people to know, and not just for some arrogant, teasing, I have something amazing thing. It is so much more than that. If they know what it looks like, they won’t accidentally miss it sometime in their lives when they have it.
We, as human beings, make love so complicated. We let so much get in our way of truly loving someone. Of giving everything we are, without reserve. The reason is fear. We are so afraid to lose, so afraid that we are already doomed to fail before we even try. Been there, done that. I want more. I want the kind of love I know Christ has for me. Since that is really hard for us to grasp, I want to love others like that. I want to love my kids, and my Joseph. Just. Like. That.
So today, my deep ocean of feelings can be put into words this way:
When I look into your eyes I see forever. I see our future. I see our love.
It has no depth. It has no end. The deep of the ocean cannot compare.
The vastness of the horizon is envious of us.
The limitless sky cries over how we have surpassed all it could imagine.
To say we love is not enough.
To say we care leaves too much to say.
We are merely soulmates.
Extensions of the other.
The missing piece that the other has always needed.
We are only what we can be.
Whole with the other by their side.
In want and need when apart.
Look into my eyes and see me.
Part of you.
Part of me.
My one and only.
My missing link.