My Words

Often times when I go back and read the things that I have written, I feel as though the words belong to someone else. As if the pen in my hand was writing for my subconscious. The thoughts and feelings are mine. I feel them, I know they are my words, but it is as if I can read them as a stranger. A person who has never seen them before. Someone set apart from the words.  I feel them with complete empathy. I feel them since I have lived them and yet I feel like I can read them like a stranger who has never seen the words before. 

This is a complete mystery to me, and I wonder if other writers feel this way when they write. Do they feel like the words once released from their intellectual prison are now no longer theirs? I feel like my words are here to share, and yet I feel them as mine and as someone else’s. I am sure that makes no sense at all.

At one point during my reading I will feel the memories of what I am reading. The moments of creation. The other part of me hurts or feels joy for the writer. I want to reassure myself that everything is going to be okay. Or cheer myself on when things are great. It can be a really odd feeling. I don’t have multiple personalities. I am not crazy, nor have been tested, so perhaps that isn’t totally true. I just know that writing comes from core. I need to share it, and when I share it, sometimes I feel like I am sharing it with myself too. 

Perhaps my subconscious is communicating with my self about life. So it comes out sometimes as a mystery to me when I read the words that I have penned. 

I may never know. But at least I can come here and let the crazy out.

Thank you as always for listening to my crazy musings. Even I don’t understand them sometimes.

 

Lady X

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She waits

The days is warm
But she does not play

She waits

Teddy bear in hand
Hair combed, dress pressed

She waits

There is no smile on her face
No rosiness to her cheeks

She waits

This night is like the others
Her eyes light up and dart to a passing car

She waits

She sits a little straighter
Her faith waning

She waits

The sun rushes down to sleep
Her mother scoops her up

She waits

A tear escapes her sad eyes
Her mother kisses it away

She waits

The wait is never over
For He always leaves her sitting there

She waits

His time is not for her
Too busy, too sick

She waits

He doesn’t know or understand
Resolve can be broken

She waits

One day
Before he knows it

She’s gone

For my little girls. They always are left waiting. Days between phone calls, sometimes a month in between visits. He doesn’t see that he can break them. He doesn’t see that he can lose them. Our faith in people is not impervious to damage. He will never know how he loses them a little each day he doesn’t call. He doesn’t see that every skipped weekend puts him farther away. I see it. My heart breaks for them. It is not my job to keep their faith in him. If I had faith in his character as a father then I might have stayed married. I am the viewer of a cruel show. Unable to help as much has I wish I could.

Love your children today and everyday. They aren’t kids forever. They will grow, they will leave, and what you have built now is what will determine if they think you are worth their effort In The future.

Always me,
Lady X

Finally

When I was going through my drama with my ex husband, my emotional cheating, my unhappiness, all of the lies that my ex decided he should tell me he had been doing to me over the years, I had one longing.

I waned to belong to someone. That someone at the time was Dick. 

Now my drama continued, but the day before my birthday I was told by Dick that he found someone else. A real person. Instead of the imaginary relationship he and I were living 2000 miles away from each other. I was hurt and angry. But I understood. He knew that I wasn’t going to go there if he didn’t ask. He wasn’t going to ask. So there really was no hope. There are places on this blog where I have written in those early times how I just wanted to be his. That longing moved onwards into my next serious relationship with Carlos. There was no point that I ever felt like his either.  

This feeling is primitive. Feminists will probably say that real woman don’t feel the need to belong to a man. Well I have news for you. This is a feeling that was GOD given. We need our other half. NEED.  

Joseph tells me all the time that I am his. I love it. It is wonderful. He always means it. 

We had a powerful moment the other night. Lying in bed. Just talking, snuggling. Yes, yes, there was some groping. But just the sweet kind. I saw him smile. I love that sight, because I know I am the reason why he smiles. Or at least a main reason.

“I love to make you smile, you look so happy. I love that”, I say. 

He hugs me tight, my face against his neck. 

“I smile because you make me happy. You don’t really don’t have to do anything. I smile because you are mine.” he says simply.

It wasn’t a complicated sentence. It wasn’t a proposal, though we have talked about getting married many times. It was a statement of fact. It reaffirmed what I already knew. I am his. He is mine. No questions, no drama. Just a simple, wonderful love. 

That is all I ever wanted. It was exactly what we both needed. I smile because it’s true. 

Things have been super crazy this week. Our dog died, my ex is a dramatic sick person who pushes drama into our lives, and a ticket for making a left turn from the wrong lane is making my financial life miserable. If you asked me though, I really wouldn’t have it any other way. Money never made me happy.

It turns out, all I needed was love.

Just say yes.

Always,

Lady X

 

Gone

This morning my sweet chorkie Luci passed away. We don’t know why she died. We just know that she left a little hole in our lives. She was a sweet girl, a real part of our family. She is being cremated and we should have her back at home in a few days. I know it is morbid. But I just can’t wait to have her back here. 

 

So I wrote her this cheesy poem. I hope you like it.

 

Gone

Hearts are heavy
An empty space
Nothing and no one
To take your place

The softest fur
The sweetest face
No doggy with more
Love or grace

Our lovely Luci
My fondest friend
My sweet sweet girl
Right to the end

She left us with no 
reason why
Just a blank space
And a quiet sigh

With happy hearts
We can say at least
She is with her mother
At rest and at peace

 

She was my dog. I loved her and she will be dearly missed.

 

Lady X

Stay

Skimming through pintrest, which is just terrible if you want to lose some of your day doing something pointless, and I found an image that spoke to me. I guess my perusing wasn’t totally pointless. The picture reminded me of a moment with Joseph, it was one of of those nights when we realized that we hated being apart. That even the night alone was far too much to bear. We had stayed up late. Watching videos from the woman’s perspective. (too funny, look it up) We looked at the clock. We knew we had already stayed up too late. He had school in the morning, (working on his programming engineer degree) and I had work. We just didn’t want to say goodbye for the day yet. 

We laid down, snuggled up. He whispered,

“I don’t want to go.” He breathed in deep with his face pressed against my neck. 

“I don’t want you to go either,” I said. “Just stay.”

He stayed. 

Something amazing happened that night. The relationship that started so slowly, so tentatively and full of fear and worry hit a magic point. Where the heart takes that leap. It finally has had the discussion with your head that you can jump. The person that you are jumping with is jumping too. You are not alone. So you jump. Once you have jumped, and you look over and see that you didn’t leap alone, your faith in the other person is cemented. It is an amazing feeling not to jump alone. 

So what was the magic picture that sparked this little wonderful moment down memory lane for me?

 

Image

 

Always,

Lady X

These lips

Limbs and hands and skin
Fingers and cheeks and legs

Tangled, teeth, and bites
Panting, moaning and sweating

Quiet, peace and calm
Heartbeats, interlocked fingers, and time
Friendship, companionship and love
Completeness, wholeness and owned

Yours, mine, ours, forever.

I tried something different here. Not sure if it works but I think I like the abstract of it. And just for a sexy visual…..

20130912-100432.jpg

The deep of the ocean

So many things to say. How to write them all. I worry sometimes at my inability to express all that I feel. Sometimes feelings so much can be overwhelming.  I have realized that I had suppressed so much of how I felt about things in this life that when I finally did remember what it was like to love and feel that it became a flood. So much to express.

Love for my girls, the anxiety of watching them grow up in this poison filled world and still make sure they know the love of God, the love of a mom and dad, and make sure they are able to show the world love.

The reality of this love is also a love of letting go. Children are not meant to stay with you forever. We must raise them to leave. It sounds sad but it is the way that life works. It is a brilliant little cycle. It is why you need a mate in this life. Someone to share life with when the kiddoes grow up and leave you to live their own lives.  From the moment they are born, you are already training them to leave. It is the cruel fate of a parent. To love someone so much. To spend so much time keeping them safe, teaching, and giving them all the love you have. Pouring into them all of your knowledge, even when they don’t want it. It all is for that moment that they stand up and walk away. This sounds dramatic and very rough. Alas, it is where we all start and  where we all go. Life continues forward this way. It is how we learn to let go. Each step closer to college is a moment that is teachable and that can be filled with laughter and love.

When all of that is said and done, what is left is you and your spouse. The person you have built your life with. Or in my case, rebuilt my life with. I have lots of divorced friends, sad to say. But most of us came from situations that really had no other options. I know that God does not approve of abuse. In any form, so I know that even though there are Christians that look down on those of us who didn’t make it through, my God loves me. That really is all that matters in that.

Love is rough. When I say that I mean that when you start over, there are places that your mind goes that make it hard for you.  When my divorce was final, I was still in a tumultuous relationship with Carlos, and having the proper kind of hope was hard.  Things were so uncertain. When I broke it off I had thoroughly convinced myself that I had nothing left. Just me and the girls. Part of me had resigned myself to being an old spinster that lived with her sister. The thought was there. Who wants to pick up a 31 year old divorcee with 3 beautiful little suitcases? I literally wouldn’t have blamed the male populace for deciding that it was far too much work and too much drama to even try.

But love is also amazing. As the title says, the deep of the ocean. Love is like that. Deeper than we can imagine. The love we have for our children is like that.  It is the closest to the unconditional love of God that we can feel. There is also the love of a man for a woman, and a woman for a man. The right ones, that it. I learned so much, and have written pages and pages about it. What I find though, is that day by day, my kids teach me more about their love, and Joseph teaches me more about his love. That love that  a man has for a woman. I never knew it before. Not like this.  While I finally knew what love looked like, and what it could feel like after Carlos, I never knew that anything could be like this.

This love with my Joseph is complicated to describe. When the time comes for me to put it into words.

For a time, when I would see images on facebook of happy husband and wives, I assumed they were all lying. I really didn’t believe that there were couples out there that were actually happy most of the time. It seemed to me, as if some magical universe existed on facebook where people were forced to pretend to be happy. I was not into the whole pretending thing. My facebook status read married. But I had refused to mark on it who my spouse was.  He then hacked my facebook to make it say who I was married to, just backing up one of many reasons why I didn’t want it listed as such.

Now, years later. Having been through so much. I can say now that, there are married people who love each other that way. I see it all the time now. Astonished at how wrong I was, I now want to shout it to the entire world. Show them what brilliant, wonderful, passionate, unabashed love looks like. It is something I want people to know, and not just for some arrogant, teasing, I have something amazing thing. It is so much more than that. If they know what it looks like, they won’t accidentally miss it sometime in their lives when they have it.

We, as human beings, make love so complicated. We let so much get in our way of truly loving someone. Of giving everything we are, without reserve. The reason is fear. We are so afraid to lose, so afraid that we are already doomed to fail before we even try. Been there, done that. I want more. I want the kind of love I know Christ has for me. Since that is really hard for us to grasp, I want to love others like that. I want to love my kids, and my Joseph. Just. Like. That.

So today, my deep ocean of feelings can be put into words this way:

When I look into your eyes I see forever. I see our future. I see our love.
It has no depth. It has no end. The deep of the ocean cannot compare.
The vastness of the horizon is envious of us.
The limitless sky cries over how we have surpassed all it could imagine.
To say we love is not enough.
To say we care leaves too much to say.
We are merely soulmates.
Extensions of the other.
The missing piece that the other has always needed.
We are only what we can be.
Whole with the other by their side.
In want and need when apart.
Look into my eyes and see me.
Part of you.
Part of me.
My one and only.
My missing link.
My muse.
My love.
My Everything.