Melancholy Feelings

I didn’t miss these. I am resting in the knowledge that this mess of emotional rollarcoaster that I have endured since I started this medication isn’t in fact me, but just a side effect of this anti depressant that has pain receptor reducing qualities that they are testing out on me for this random and currently unexplainable pain in my side.

I have spent the entire day off and on trying not to cry at random. The kids have been better tonight. It helped. As 5:30pm and the prospect of Joseph coming home and perhaps just giving me a few minutes to lay my head on his chest to decompress from this endless mess of rampant emotions, my hopes were violently dashed as I forgot that stupid Starbucks was sucking yet another hour out of my evening with him for a stupid store meeting. Bastards. I can say that in reality the part of my brain that will let me access logic tells me, well no big deal. He will be home by 7pm, and then the kids will go to bed and you can nerd out with your sweetie. The roller coaster I am on is like, down hill slope, falling rapidly, feeling defeated and sad to have to wait longer. Ick I hate this! 

I feel like a person that isn’t depressed getting anti depressants, no matter the reason, is bound to start feeling a little crazy. I am not digging this up and down thing.  I have been praying for relief, and I know that his grace is sufficient for me. I just wonder if I just need to learn to deal with it and not bother trying to figure it out. I feel like if it was something scary there would be something noticeable in my tests or scans. 

I think that a hot bath with bubbles is in order. Perhaps the heat can restore a semblance of sanity to the brain I feel like I no longer own.  There is far too much drama in my world right now to deal with uncontrollable female emotions that I am unaccustomed to having to deal with. Crying at random, not my thing. I assure you that none of this stems from some weird deep seated pain. I was at work when the espresso machine pulled shots too short and I nearly broke down into tears. Coffee is certainly not worth fretting about. As my old shift supervisor told when I was new, “It’s just coffee.”

I feel like the monster who was freaking out in Monsters Inc and the other monster slaps him and is all,

“Keep it together man!”

Someone come and slap me. Maybe that will get rid of this senseless emotional crap that is rendering me a sobbing wreck in front of emotional pictures. Sigh. 

So much for a peaceful week with the kids back from their crazy dads. Oh well. Time to relax, take a deep breath, and just be grateful even in the midst of the crazy that is overwhelming me. 

I am truly a big mess this week. A hot Texas mess. Oh well. Time to shake it off. 

I hope that every single one of you is doing well. If not, message me. Certainly I have some encouragement in here somewhere just for you.

 

Love,

Lady X

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