Provision

To me this word has a totally different meaning to me than it did 13 years ago.

When I met my now X-husband, I thought that provision was monetary. It meant financially providing for your family. Making sure they have what they need. It never occurred to me that there are other kinds of provision. The kind that I believe matter most to me now have nothing to do with money. A person really just needs their basic needs met by finances. The most important are emotional. When I was married if you considered emotional needs in the amount of dollars, I was bankrupt. We lived a decent, modern life without too much debt and with some decent toys. My emotional cup was empty. Dryer than a desert. The funny thing (though not really all that funny) is that I didn’t know any better. Sadly my marriage at the time was far more functional than any of the ones I had witnessed as an example of what marriage is supposed to be. 

When facebook came along I realized something about marriage. Other people looked happy. I have to say at first I just thought they were all faking it. Then I realized there were people who really did love their spouses. 

You know what?

I was jealous. 

Now it was all down hill after that for me. Crash and burn and what not. A few failed relationships later I realize something. Money doesn’t matter. If your basic needs are met the emotional needs far outweigh the things that are shiny and gold. 

I didn’t realize what true provision was until Joseph. I am totally broke and so his he. He has nothing to offer me but emotional security, love, emotional support and the chance to see someone blossom as a father figure to my girls. To watch him love them, and play with them, to emotionally support them, be there for them and provide them with the time they have always needed from a male influence that they have never had. 

It truly is far more worth it to me than any of the money that I could get from the richest man in the world. 

What is a world without love? Lonely, empty, boring, cold.

This is what I see when I think of a world without the love I have now. I am provided for in ways I never knew I needed. Grateful and blessed to have the love that I have now. I am sharing this information with you because there are a lot of things that money can buy. The  Beatles had it right. Can’t buy me love. No no no, nooooooooo!

I want to encourage people to love. Why? Because it took a long time for me to feel loved. Really loved. The priceless kind. I wish I could give this kind of love to everyone. So that other people would know how it feels to just be loved.

When your hair is a mess, when you feel unattractive, when you feel sick or fat or you just feel like things are off. 

On my worst days, Joseph still sees the beautiful me. It makes me smile every time. When I wake up and I feel like I look my worst. I can see the love and desire in his eyes. I can feel the honesty when he tells me how sexy and beautiful I am. I can feel his love seeping into my bones when I snuggle him before one of us has to leave for work. For these things, these little things, I would stay broke forever if I could just have love. Stuff if just that. It is stuff. It means very little. Love, it changes lives. I have seen what it has done for my oldest daughter Faith. Who didn’t want to love Joseph. She loves him tons now. I see the two of their faces light up when they play together and it makes me happy. A single mother could never ask for more than a man who respects her, respects her children, would do anything for us, and wants to make things better. 

I know you all get tired of hearing my love crap. I just want to be sure you never forget. 

Love Love Love

Always Me,

Lady X

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