Melancholy Feelings

I didn’t miss these. I am resting in the knowledge that this mess of emotional rollarcoaster that I have endured since I started this medication isn’t in fact me, but just a side effect of this anti depressant that has pain receptor reducing qualities that they are testing out on me for this random and currently unexplainable pain in my side.

I have spent the entire day off and on trying not to cry at random. The kids have been better tonight. It helped. As 5:30pm and the prospect of Joseph coming home and perhaps just giving me a few minutes to lay my head on his chest to decompress from this endless mess of rampant emotions, my hopes were violently dashed as I forgot that stupid Starbucks was sucking yet another hour out of my evening with him for a stupid store meeting. Bastards. I can say that in reality the part of my brain that will let me access logic tells me, well no big deal. He will be home by 7pm, and then the kids will go to bed and you can nerd out with your sweetie. The roller coaster I am on is like, down hill slope, falling rapidly, feeling defeated and sad to have to wait longer. Ick I hate this! 

I feel like a person that isn’t depressed getting anti depressants, no matter the reason, is bound to start feeling a little crazy. I am not digging this up and down thing.  I have been praying for relief, and I know that his grace is sufficient for me. I just wonder if I just need to learn to deal with it and not bother trying to figure it out. I feel like if it was something scary there would be something noticeable in my tests or scans. 

I think that a hot bath with bubbles is in order. Perhaps the heat can restore a semblance of sanity to the brain I feel like I no longer own.  There is far too much drama in my world right now to deal with uncontrollable female emotions that I am unaccustomed to having to deal with. Crying at random, not my thing. I assure you that none of this stems from some weird deep seated pain. I was at work when the espresso machine pulled shots too short and I nearly broke down into tears. Coffee is certainly not worth fretting about. As my old shift supervisor told when I was new, “It’s just coffee.”

I feel like the monster who was freaking out in Monsters Inc and the other monster slaps him and is all,

“Keep it together man!”

Someone come and slap me. Maybe that will get rid of this senseless emotional crap that is rendering me a sobbing wreck in front of emotional pictures. Sigh. 

So much for a peaceful week with the kids back from their crazy dads. Oh well. Time to relax, take a deep breath, and just be grateful even in the midst of the crazy that is overwhelming me. 

I am truly a big mess this week. A hot Texas mess. Oh well. Time to shake it off. 

I hope that every single one of you is doing well. If not, message me. Certainly I have some encouragement in here somewhere just for you.

 

Love,

Lady X

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Boudoir

Planning this falls session on no cash for props is causing me to have to come up with interesting ideas. Since my brilliant photographer friend and I decided that we would do this once a year, I am trying to come up with ideas that require very little in the way of props. At this rate, it will be a tastefully nude set. That is pretty minimal if you ask me.

As I wrack my brain for ideas of what I could do my mind instead of worrying about what I could do as a theme is instead thinking of a place. Last year I did them in the most amazing bed and breakfast. There will be none of that this year. I honestly wonder what I could get away with in the way of the private investigator idea since we can use the photographers office for those ones. 

This idea appeals to me the most. I have always entertained in my mind, the idea of role playing. Rather than role play in this century I wish to do it in the 20’s instead. I tell people all the time that I was born in the wrong era. 

All the swirling thoughts that play in my head. Hmmmmmmmmm

 

Well if any of you lovely bloggers have any brilliant budget considering ideas for fun and creative couples portraits let me know. Whether or not I come up with something there will be portraits soon. I can tell you that! Even if it is just a mini session to wet the taste buds for a true full boudoir!

Adieu!

Lady X

Just Another Day

Yesterday was a pain day. Still suffering this pain that I had surgery over a few months ago. To me surgery failed. To the doctor, you have to wait up to two years to know if it truly failed because of how long it takes for a body to heal, and then heal from the scar tissue created from the first healing. Sigh.

Pain reminds me of my marriage. It is something that I don’t deal with well. I watched my ex turn into nothing more than a lump of flesh that sits at home hoping to get better. It has been that way for 8 years. Nothing has changed. 

So when I encounter pain, and it has no noticable origin, I worry that I will end up that way. I am stronger than he is and was at the time he got hurt. I am not going to be defeated by this. So a new medication, a new treatment plan. At least I can say that now I finally have a plan.

That encourages me. I also have a strong family backing me. So I can rest assured that I have the best prayer warriors, the best people loving me and keeping me strong. I have the most beautiful girls to keep me going. So I will continue on moving forwards. Try this new route and see if it helps. I sure hope so. Yesterday was fail. I got almost nothing done. I ran to the grocery store at 7:30p just to make sure I had cereal and stuff for the kids. I hate doing that. I was so tired I couldn’t even finish my shopping because I just felt uncoordinated.  I got enough to get by for a few days but it was a rough day. I am ready to be over the hump of all this.

The reason for this post? Well besides making  a note of the happenings it is probably more due to the fact that I have had more than my regular share of interactions with my exhusband today. That alone stresses me out. He is on to a new idea of getting better. The doctor says he thinks his hips are the problem, not his back. He may be looking at hip replacement soon. Sheesh that man will be a cyborg before we know it. Maybe Cyborgs can get jobs??…

That is a whole other story.

Today is a day to be glad. Another day above ground, to see the joy of a child growing. To be loved by our friends and families. I am glad. My pain is small compared to that of a child. I would suffer a thousand times if I knew that it meant my children would suffer less.

I hope to be more uplifting tomorrow. For now I shall leave you with my usual. 

Love. Let yourself be loved. That is all.

Always,

Lady X

Belonging to…

To feel as though you belong somewhere is something that people search for their whole lives. Not having a connection to something can make us feel lost. Like we are drifting. For the longest time I have wondered what it would be like to be rescued and to feel like I belonged somewhere. If I were to take a mental inventory (again) of my life and ask myself about connecting events, about God’s wisdom, about how he lays things out for us, about fate. I would tell you this. Everything happens for a reason. Most of us are too busy to remember or keep inventory of some of the smaller things in this life. I can tell you only this.

I have had many a wonderful, and awful thing happen to me. I have had dreams that have worried me, confused me, and some that have awaken thoughts of times long past. I can see the building blocks that were set before me, helping to carve my path. I can say that I have never been so glad that they led me here.

So many things that have happened have put into motion me being right here. God’s will, providence, fate. All of them belong to God. He just moves them in his own way. He led me here. 

And just like the blog states that I wouldn’t want to be anybody else. I also know that there is no place that I would rather be than right here in my life, right now.

For my love Joseph. Thank you God for him, thank you for bringing him to me, and I pray he will be amazing in school next semester, that he will rock it out, that he will succeed and that I can show him everyday how amazing, and smart and wonderful he is. Because he makes me feel that way every moment we are together. 

Every moment that I start to feel fat, or unattractive he tells me I am beautiful. No prompting. I didn’t ask for the compliment. Perhaps he can just sense that I need a pick me up. He tells me I am beautiful a hundred times a day. He kisses me more than that, and he hugs me as if he wishes he never had to let go.

You really haven’t lived or loved till you have loved someone who matches you. The heat generated from that alone is amazing. It is indescribable the way that it feels. 

A blog I venture to said it best:

A soulmate is a person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet; a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. When you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also that much more aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful for.

Try to remember to love big. I know I harp on it. But it really is important. Jesus talked about it all the time. LOVE! DO IT! I promise if you love without reserve, without holding back (and without doing anything someone doesn’t want you to do) you will find yourself loved back in limitless ways. 

 

So this is for my Joseph. I love you. You make me feel giddy and happy and it is still the first kiss every time. 

Always,

Lady X

 

Belonging to…

My heart beats faster
My head swims
My body aches for a touch that is his

My body burns
My heart aches
My lips require just a simple taste

All day
All Night
His face in my life 

Captured heart
Captured lips
Captured body
Captured Hips

Beating faster
Perfect time
Heated Flesh
Passion Devine

All of me
All of him
A Perfect match
A Perfect win

He Captured my heart
He Captured my mind
Deliciously captive
Love’s prisoner entwined

My heart rests easy 
Lying in his hands
My soul longs for his possession

Again and Again

 

#41

Today has been Dave Matthews day. I rarely listen to him now. Depending on the song that is. Crash is my heart song since I was 16. Rapunzel is my naughty song. You and me is just a sweet song. I Did It is my love bomb song.

41 is my life song.

(Tattoo still coming. Hopefully on the same day I get my Friday the 13th tattoo. September is the month that has Friday the 13th btw)

Some of the songs make me melancholy. Which used to be the state that I existed in all the time. Years of it. Since I was 17 listening to the Cranberries or Elvis, But I am not that way any more. Just happy. It really is something to feel, to behold. It has made me realize I have so many things to appreciate.

I also have found the meaning that 41 has for me. I told Carlos many times I never understood why 41 meant so much to me. What it meant to me, what it was for. I never thought I would know. I certainly didn’t think today I would find that meaning. But I did. It is also far simpler than I could have imagined.

I was that girl. The one in the song. I did finally let the ghosts come reeling and crashing down.  And I did find may way to run and dance in the rain and I am glad. I think that when this song meant so much to me was because I hadn’t realized that I was waiting for the man in the song. To come and play for me, to bring me water, a man who wouldn’t tell me what to be. A man who just wanted to come, to stay, to wait for me, the one who wanted to love me.

I have that now, and tomorrow leads my way.

 

All my love always,

Lady X

 

#41

Come and see
I swear by now I’m playing time against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while
I’m in the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I won’t tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
What if they came down crushing
Remember when I used to play for
All of the loneliness that nobody
Notices now
I’m begging slow I’m coming here
Only waiting I wanted to stay
I wanted to play,
I wanted to love you
I’m only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way
I’m coming waltzing back and
Moving into your head
Please, I wouldn’t pass this by
I wouldn’t take any more than
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why won’t you ever be glad
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why won’t you run
In the rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you

Happy 4th of July!

I am excited! This time last year Joseph had to close and I spent what would have been our first fourth of July just with the kiddos and my brother and at the time his new wife. This year I get to have my love with me. It will be nice to see the fireworks together. I get to feel them all the time, now I get to see them and kiss him under the fireworks. Yeah yeah yeah, I am a mushy dork.

My fourth is going far better than yesterday. I decided to pay my traffic violation yesterday only to find out that I have a warrant for not paying it two days ago. DAMMIT@!#(*

So now I am a wanted woman, evading the coppers till my lawyer can get the warrants (yes plural) lifted. I get a warrant for non payment and one for not showing up on my appointed court date that they never let me know about. Apparently they don’t have to. It is a courtesy if they do. Since my address is right I must not have gotten that courtesy. So now I have to wait it out. Within the week the warrants should be lifted. In the mean time I am driving like a saint.

And of course it is not without ribbing. Yesterday on his way home, Joseph texts me and says, “On my way home to see my little fugitive”

Brilliant bastard. I told him so  too. He cracks me up sometimes. I laughed, I smiled. It actually made me feel better. Today my mom called me her felon. Wonderful. They are helping me get it all cleared up. Blech. Such a pain.

 

Drive nicely people. Don’t drink and drive and be safe this Fourth of July.

 

Love

Lady X

 

Provision

To me this word has a totally different meaning to me than it did 13 years ago.

When I met my now X-husband, I thought that provision was monetary. It meant financially providing for your family. Making sure they have what they need. It never occurred to me that there are other kinds of provision. The kind that I believe matter most to me now have nothing to do with money. A person really just needs their basic needs met by finances. The most important are emotional. When I was married if you considered emotional needs in the amount of dollars, I was bankrupt. We lived a decent, modern life without too much debt and with some decent toys. My emotional cup was empty. Dryer than a desert. The funny thing (though not really all that funny) is that I didn’t know any better. Sadly my marriage at the time was far more functional than any of the ones I had witnessed as an example of what marriage is supposed to be. 

When facebook came along I realized something about marriage. Other people looked happy. I have to say at first I just thought they were all faking it. Then I realized there were people who really did love their spouses. 

You know what?

I was jealous. 

Now it was all down hill after that for me. Crash and burn and what not. A few failed relationships later I realize something. Money doesn’t matter. If your basic needs are met the emotional needs far outweigh the things that are shiny and gold. 

I didn’t realize what true provision was until Joseph. I am totally broke and so his he. He has nothing to offer me but emotional security, love, emotional support and the chance to see someone blossom as a father figure to my girls. To watch him love them, and play with them, to emotionally support them, be there for them and provide them with the time they have always needed from a male influence that they have never had. 

It truly is far more worth it to me than any of the money that I could get from the richest man in the world. 

What is a world without love? Lonely, empty, boring, cold.

This is what I see when I think of a world without the love I have now. I am provided for in ways I never knew I needed. Grateful and blessed to have the love that I have now. I am sharing this information with you because there are a lot of things that money can buy. The  Beatles had it right. Can’t buy me love. No no no, nooooooooo!

I want to encourage people to love. Why? Because it took a long time for me to feel loved. Really loved. The priceless kind. I wish I could give this kind of love to everyone. So that other people would know how it feels to just be loved.

When your hair is a mess, when you feel unattractive, when you feel sick or fat or you just feel like things are off. 

On my worst days, Joseph still sees the beautiful me. It makes me smile every time. When I wake up and I feel like I look my worst. I can see the love and desire in his eyes. I can feel the honesty when he tells me how sexy and beautiful I am. I can feel his love seeping into my bones when I snuggle him before one of us has to leave for work. For these things, these little things, I would stay broke forever if I could just have love. Stuff if just that. It is stuff. It means very little. Love, it changes lives. I have seen what it has done for my oldest daughter Faith. Who didn’t want to love Joseph. She loves him tons now. I see the two of their faces light up when they play together and it makes me happy. A single mother could never ask for more than a man who respects her, respects her children, would do anything for us, and wants to make things better. 

I know you all get tired of hearing my love crap. I just want to be sure you never forget. 

Love Love Love

Always Me,

Lady X