Its a sad day when you get up for work and realize you kinda hate your job now.
The battle to keep my sanity on the weekend that my ex has my daughters is finished for this weekend. The girls are back home and Joe and I are feeling better. It is amazing the changes that we have gone through as a couple. In the beginning I would half stress, half enjoy the weekend when the girls were gone. It was a chance to rest, and time to spend with Joe. Now that we have come so far he hates it when they leave. I hate it too. And now we wish nothing more than that we could keep them all the time.
Everyday is a journey. A step closer to being the kind of wonderful family that 2 years ago I could only dream and hope for. God has shown me love that I could only imagine. I can say that I would never have known what this was like if my life hadn’t traveled the path that it has taken.
All the bumps that you suffer, big or small, lead you down a road. Your choices take you through heartache, suffering, danger, loss, peril. So many things that will impact how you choose to make decisions in your life later. The choices you make now, how you choose to deal with adversity is what will help you grow. Whether that growth is positive or negative is completely up to you. I have made bad choices. Dealt withe loss and the heartache from making choices that God had not intended for me. I am convinced that we can be spared if we ask for guidance. There are times when we know we are off the beaten path. But we can reconnect, reconcile our hearts and find our way home. It may just be that on that walk back you find something more than amazing.
Something life changing.
Love like no other.
Something he was saving just for you.
I know you all probably get tired of hearing it. But I want you to love, be loved, and give someone a hug or send them one. (((hugs))) from me to you. I extend this hug for anyone who can’t find one right now. My daughters and I are proof that hope and love and patience can find you waiting for something you all didn’t even know you could find. Someone to spend your life with, and grow with.
Love big and without restraint. You don’t want to wonder later what might have happened had you loved the way your heart wanted to.
All my love
The things in this life that are so precious are usually the things we don’t think about. Like a moment of peace. Where things are quiet. The kids are happy, the world isn’t spinning so fast at this moment that I can’t keep up. I am in amazement of how wonderful God is, and how when things have been so crazy for months now, with sick kids, sick me, and money drama from my surgery, that I can take this moment that won’t last long and be grateful in it. Be thankful. Not let the moment pass me by without being happy for it.
The summer has so far led to nothing extraordinary. Unless you count the mass quantities of affectionate love from my girls. The knowledge that they see how there Dad treats me and they are learning. Faith especially. She even surprised me the other day. When we dropped off the girls. She wanted to have her Daddy meet Joe. Cause she loves Joe. She asked to stay up late last night so she could tell him goodnight when he got home.
The girls are growing so fast. Becoming so smart.
Love is also growing. As if it is even possible for me to love my Joseph anymore. Or him to love me more. I saw it over our weekend away at the lake. A brilliant escape. To see how sad he was when the girls had to go home. To listen to his sweet little professions of love all weekend. To watch him carve our initials in a tree. No one had ever done that for me before. IT was so sweet, and so meaningful to me. I have never been called beautiful, gorgeous or sexy so much in my life. Sometimes he will look over at me when he is studying and he will sigh, tell me how beautiful I am, and pat his chest over his heart. I am overflowing with the love that he shows me. This happiness is an overflow that flows onto everything. I never understood to the full extent by which they said to be happy with the person you love would that love overflow onto all aspects of your life. It is true. By and by even on the worst days, he is there and he calms my raging storms from life and puts me at ease so that I can enjoy the girls, and life and love so much more. I have never had that before.
So as I sit here. It is mostly quiet. The sounds of the kids at play in the other room, the sounds of Joseph taking a break from his programming studies to play some Halo, and me, just sitting here typing away. I am content.
So many times this week I have wanted to write. With little to no energy to put forth the effort to pen (or type) the words to save them here for your viewing. Frustration at being put on a medication that makes me sleeping and also being deprived of the life giving juices of caffeine have left me fighting myself to get anything done. It is just a lot harder than I imagined it would be trying this out for my gyno.
Having your surgery (that cost you a pretty penny) not get rid of your pain, is very frustrating. After all. I make payments automatically every month to still hurt. Is kinda makes me angry.
My doc is hopeful that it isn’t the same thing. She doesn’t think my scar tissue that she removed could possibly grow back in the short time that it has been since I got my insides all scraped up by her. I just don’t know.
It makes Joseph worry terribly as well as the kids and my family. I don’t blame them for worrying but I hate needing to be taken care of for any reason. Makes me feel like a baby that can’t handle what she has been given. It is really aggravating.
Today I am focusing on what I can do. I had a long morning at work. So I did some dishes when I got home, had some lunch, and then passed out. It isn’t even a good sleep. I usually wake up all sad and tired and antsy.
I need to get over to the vitamin store and see what I can get to combat this lethargy. It really doesn’t become me.
Now that I have been a huge whiner I will digress and wander into the land of hopeful thinking. So far everything else in me is in working order. We are on the danger week this week of awaiting ovulation. Which means I get to be super super careful since I figured out I was allergic to that stuff called spermicide. I am ordering a natural one today. I doubt it will get here in time to fill my diaphragm so I guess this week we are just gonna hope for the best. I can already tell I’m all emotional (stupid hormones) and I am just trying to keep an eye out for all those unique body changes that point me in the direction of the two most dangerous days of the month. (Egg dropping count down, should be this Friday if my calendar is right)
When spending some serious time in tune with your body you can tell the tiny changes. I can actually feel things changing. It is very very interesting. Some quiet reflection, prayer, and meditation just leads to notice these things and makes me more aware of how my body is working. Now if only I could get on a schedule with my vitamins. No doubt that would help tons.
While this post has been lame and pathetic at best I felt the need to form words into simple sentences for your viewing. Perhaps you are really bored and needed something to read.
Everytime I think of Ovulation i think of Archer.
Spend some time with yourself this week. It helps so much to take the time to enjoy some quiet peace within yourself. You will be happy for it.
All my love always,
Sometimes I write poems at the end of my posts. Occasionally when I can’t sleep due to crazy legs, side pain, stressed out kids and zombie dreams, I like to go back and read my blog posts. I find little treasures in the midst of my work. Poems I had completely forgotten about. As I lay here. Tired, wanting ver much to be sleeping and being far too tired to list all of the reasons for my lack of rest n depth, I shall hare with you a fun poem I found digging through old posts.
I like it rough
This you know
You bite my neck
I kiss your throat
I push you down
Pined to the bed
Stronger than I look
Bad as it gets
You wink at me
I giggle, I smile
The all at once
I’m on the bottom of the pile
How did this happen?
What did you do?
Stronger than me
Not stronger than you
I let you win
I solemnly pout
And I wriggle
Trying to get out
I win because you want me to
You boast against my mouth
Im lost in love
Poured straight from your spout
Worth it for that moment just to hear you say
I love you.
I love this poem because its fun. I love it because I wrote it after my joe was sick. I always write from the heart. I can do nothing else.
So tonight, I advise you to hug and kiss you kids and spouse, love freely, without reserve, and write something meaningful.
All my love
So this book has decided that I should write ten euphemisms for sex.
4. Toss the salad
5. Heels to Jesus (thanks Zombie Land)
6. Put Percy in the playpen
7. Tickle the Pickle
8. Mattress Olympics
9. Popping the cherry
10. And cheesy enough Making Whoopy
This book is too funny!
All of my life I have met boys and men. Each of them starting from boyfriend number one all the way down to my most amazing Joseph has taught me something.
Boyfriend number one: Nelson
This boyfriend lasted throughout years of learning. I was twelve when he was my boyfriend the first time and after he broke up with me and I moved to another state I spent 3.5 years blowing out of proportion how amazing he was. What I learned the first time? I learned that when your twelve things can hurt like you are grown. I learned that loss is loss no matter your age and I hope to hold onto that so I know when my kids are hurting over things that seem small to grown ups to remember that they are big to them.
So when I re-met Nelson later in life when I was almost 16 he had a girlfriend. I learned it sucks that the person you “think” you want and they are with someone else. Years later I learn it is a blessing not to always get what you want. And through 2 more years I learned that if someone wants you or loves you they will try for you. They won’t string you along, they won’t cheat on you. They will just love you. They won’t manipulate you either.
So now I am almost 18. I have had a few little boyfriends in these times and I can say they left no significant mark. When I met my now X-Husband John I was a still very sheltered girl who had not yet had a responsible boyfriend. So he looked so responsible, with his job and his apartment. The lessons that I had to learn from this relationship took 15 years. And most of them I didn’t figure out until the end.
I learned the love a man should have for his wife comes before the love he has for himself. I never felt that kind of love before now. So not ever having known what that was like I feel like I was certainly relationship lost. I learned how to be alone. I was a bit codependent when I moved in with John. And I trailed along behind him, going wherever he wanted to, doing whatever he asked. Not knowing that it was not the way it should have been. I sacrificed everything and gained nothing. I learned that love is a two way street. You can’t be in a meaningful relationship that is full of love and support when you look next to you and find that you have been walking all alone for ten years. Long years. The good news and the lesson that I got out of that part? Once I had realized how long I had been being married alone, it was easy to leave and go forth and actually be in a place alone. I learned what love doesn’t look like. I believe fully that is one of the best lessons I gained. He showed me so many different ways not to be loved by someone that when it was all done. I now know what love doesn’t look like.
My emotional affair. Richard was the man who saved me from my x-husband. He pulled me from the depths of darkness and showed me the light. And all from a distance that kept me from getting into physical trouble. And there is plenty of posts on here if you wanted to see the mess that was. What did I learn? To love again, to feel alive. To be hurt in a way that left me unable to eat. The good news? I needed that love and that heartache. It helped me remember that I wasn’t a robot. I was alive. I had been going through the motions of life for so long that I found myself just existing in the most basic way. The only love I had felt was that of my children and close family. That love kept me going, Richard taught me to breathe again. I am truly grateful for the love he and I shared long distance. It truly did save me. It readied me for the moments that followed. The heartache that I felt when he found real love in his now wife. The pain was terrible, it was a lot to bear and it took a very long time for the sting to go away. But it did. Which brings me to life lesson Carlos.
The worst thing you can do is fall for a crazy persons X husband. I did just that. The lessons I learned from that mess. Listen to God. If he tells you not to get attached, that you are not going to be together and that you will find yourself in a world of hurt. Listen. He knows better. I learned to feel feel. Like physically. Richard brought me out of the coma, and Carlos remind me how life lived felt. Over the course of a year we laughed loved, broke up like 3 or 4 times and then it was truly over. I learned that some people never get over their exes. HIs Ex will always love him, and always think of him as hers. And when battling that kind of crazy if you don’t do that battle right you lose. You lose big. You lose friends, and loves. You lose respect for yourself when you realize that you lied too, and you didn’t do what you could have. And then you realize something else. That none of those things, the pain you suffered, the drama that happened would have been possible had you listened to God in the first place. Point taken Lord. Thanks for the lesson. (Thats not sarcasm) I am glad for the lesson, I am glad that I learned what it felt like to be loved, in person, in the real world despite the ending. He and I chat occasionally, and I am glad that we made it this far. I know that life is a hard lesson. And some hurt more than others. I am glad some of these lessons came with him as the side kick instead of some other jackass who may have been less than sympathetic.
The lessons that I have learned from my Joseph. Still in progress of course seeing how I still have him and I pray daily I get to keep him for the duration of my life left lived on this planet. I learned that some things are unexpected. Joseph and I did not intend to fall in love. My tiny apartment and 3 little girls scared him to death. In fact, after an evening of Archer and laughs and some tequila he left to go home. He sent me a text moments after he walked out my door. I remember it exactly:
In another life, at a different time, I think you and I would really hit it off and be perfect together.
The thought made me smile. I enjoyed hanging out with Joseph, and laughing and just being there. I learned that things are not always what they seem.He was cool and aloof at work, just a little distant when we hung out. And I know why now, but then I just thought that maybe he wasn’t interested. Now I know he was just worried and scared of me and the girls. We are a huge undertaking. I have also learned that a man can be greater than you think. He has fallen in love with not just me but with my girls. I learned that someone can love kids that aren’t theirs and love them as if they were. I have learned that love really does know no bounds. It can be larger than life. I learned that love doesn’t get boring. The real kind is still exciting a year and a half later. It is still wonderful to see his car parked in the parking lot when I get home. I am still sad if I didn’t get to see him. (like today) I learned that kissing and hand holding and spending quality time together is important. My ex husband never invested his time in me or our marriage. I was a worker bee all alone. And after doing it alone for so long I didn’t want to work anymore. Now the work of maintaining this relationship is fun, and wonderful. It inspires me, it makes me glow and watching Joseph with my daughters they way I had never seen them with their own father gives me a joy that only a single mother can describe.
Jada Pinket Smith posted an image on her facebook. It was a picture of Will and one of their kids. The child was asleep on their daddy, and he was looking out an airplane window. She said something that is as close to my heart as it is to hers. She said,
“As a fatherless daughter, it is moments like these that mean the most to me”
I know what she means. I live it with every hug that he gives my girls, with every I love you. And even with every reprimand of what is usually my four year old acting ornery. Because she is four and that is how she is right now. Testing the boundaries of everyones patience.
Life is a rough ride. There is more to learn for all of us, and hard lessons most of us would skip. There are several painful lessons up in that 1500 words. I cried, a lot. I laughed and loved and learned. I learned that the people you love will hurt you. The one who love you through and through will stick around through the pain that they cause and the pain that you cause and they will be stronger and so will you. You will look at the tiny fires and dramas and be grateful for the lessons and the scars. Every painful moment above I would do over again. I learned who I was through all of this. I learned what I love, what I don’t, what I am will to put up with and what I will fight for. I learned how no matter what you can’t change people. You can’t make them what you want.
The real lesson, the most important one that I learned after all the tears and pain and loneliness is that if you love someone, You love them because at the moment that you love them, they are already what you want. No change needed. Then you can live life together and learn new things, change as life changes you together.
Remember that love and loving with all of your heart is a choice. Don’t hold back. Even if the pain and the cost to your heart is high. Because how do you know if it will work out and how much love you can experience and how much you can live if you only give half of you and reserve the other half for later? You can’t. You will always leave a question in there.
What if I had loved all the way?
What if I hadn’t held back in fear?
What would I have?
How would that feel?
Don’t leave yourself with questions like these. Live like tomorrow isn’t there. It isn’t a guarantee anyway. Love like today is your last.
I love you already. I don’t know you. But to all of you that read this, if you learn anything know that I love you because you are made by a big GOD who doesn’t make junk.
All my love always,
Tiarra aka Lady X