Afraid

Fear is not something I usually struggle with. But tonight I am filled with fear. I am having a very routine surgery to look for cysts and check out my lady stuff. And here I am in tears as I leave my girls with my sister for the night so I can have surgery in the morning and I am scared.  I feel like the biggest baby ever.

So instead of filling this post with fear I will fill it with love, and trust and faith.

To my daughters,

I have never loved anyone or anything in my life the way I love you 3. My life is richer, full of color and amazing with you in it.

Faith, you give me hope for beautiful nerd girls everywhere. You have a beautiful smile and I light up every time you climb into the car after school. You have the most beautiful handwriting I have ever seen in a child and I know you got that from me. Your big brown eyes make me want to give you the world and I wish that I could give every bit of it to you. I know that you will grow up to be the smartest most captivating woman.  The world better watch out for someone so amazing as you.

Aimee, my middle sweet girl. You bring all the smiles and laughs out of me so quickly. You have the biggest heart and I have seen you give up what you have, give up your turn, give up your food even to make someone else happy. You are so generous and beautiful. I am so lucky to have a gorgeous freckled ginger to be my little girl. You are bright, and strong and you are going to break all the hearts and keep everyone captivated by your imagination. I am so glad I get to be your mommy and watch you grow.

My midget, my Sarah, you have given me the world. Your laughter is infectious and I can help but laugh uncontrollably when we play. It is my honor to be your mommy and help you grow up. You are beautiful and sweet. Everyone around you loves you. You light up the room and keep everyone happy and moving when you are there. You are so smart when you play and you learn things so fast I feel like I am struggling to keep up. That I get to be your mommy makes me thriilled. I can’t wait to see all the amazing things you do.

My Joseph, my love. You have changed my life. You have given me a love I never imagined. I know you didn’t imagine it either. Neither one of us expected it. It scared us both to death. And yet here we are. I couldn’t ask for a better love, a more complete love and one that has surpassed my dreams. Watching you with my girls makes me fall more in love with you each second. When you tell them you love them, and you hug them my soul is warmed. In less than a year you have spent more time with them than their own dad, you have helped them more and I know they love you for it.  You truly do complete me, regardless of how cheesy that is. I am happy to spend this life with you.

 

To  my mom, my sister and my brother,

You have taken care of me, supported me, and helped me more than anyone in the world. I would be alone and have nothing without you. In you I have the love of a real family. One that sticks by each other no matter what. That is worth more than anything I have ever had in my life. Thank you.

To all my friends,

You have given me so much that I wish I could single you all out. I literally never had friends my whole life and now I have so many that I can’t even begin to imagine my life without any of you. To every single Starbucks coworker I have, or have ever had. Each of you has given me something that I would keep in my soul forever.  To my customers, you all have touched me and created a love for the human and the human spirit. Thank you.

I know this is a simple surgery. I will only be out for an hour up to an hour and a half at most. But I want the ones I love to know how I feel regardless of the simplicity. Life is too short not to tell the ones you love how you feel.

I love all of you. From the bottom of my heart. I only know how to love completely. Ask anyone I have ever loved and they can tell you. It requires all of me. I just can’t love half assed.

I have faith. A huge faith. One that has a huge God backing it. I will be sending you all a drug induced facebook message as soon as I am concious enough tomorrow to bang it out for you.

All my love Always,

Lady X

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