Locked out of Heaven

Weird that today Bruno Mars said it best. Heard this on the radio and thought of my sweetie. I really did feel like I had been locked out of heaven. For too long.

 

I love you Joseph.

Bruno Mars: Locked out of Heaven

 

 

 

One, two, one, two, three

Oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah
Ooh!
Oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah
Ooh!

Never had much faith in love or miracles
Never wanna put my heart on the line.
But swimming in your world is something spiritual
I’m born again every time you spend the night

Cause your sex takes me to paradise
Yeah your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cause you make feel like, I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah you make feel like, I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long

Oh yeah yeah yeah
Ooh!
Oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah
Ooh!

You bring me to my knees
You make me testify
You can make a sinner change his ways
Open up your gates cause I can’t wait to see the light
And right there is where I wanna stay

Cause your sex takes me to paradise
Yeah your sex takes me to paradise
And it shows, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cause you make feel like, I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah you make feel like, I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long

Oh oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Can I just stay here
Spend the rest of my days here
Oh oh oh oh, yeah, yeah, yeah
Can’t I just stay here
Spend the rest of my days here

Cause you make feel like, I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long
Yeah you make feel like, I’ve been locked out of heaven
For too long, for too long

Oh yeah yeah yeah
Ooh!
Oh yeah yeah
Oh yeah yeah yeah
Ooh!

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Whispered words

My Joseph and I rarely spend time alone. It is a rare occurrence lately. School and work, being a supervisor, 5 kids all the time (not all of these are mine) lead to very little time left over. And since I go to bed most nights by 8pm, this doesn’t even leave us “after the kids are in bed time”. Last night my brother had the kids. A rare chance to spend time together, we didn’t watch movies or tv, we didn’t play games, we didn’t read. We literally just spent time together. Since our time is so few and far between I feel like so much happens in those moments and I wish I could capture them and put them in a jar. 

Lying in his arms, my favorite place to be, he showers me in affection, tells me the most wonderful things. Calls me beautiful a thousand times, tells me I am adorable, kisses me a million times. I could’t stop smiling the entire evening. 

He told me I am the best woman he has ever met. Then my heart melted when he told me that the girls and I give his life purpose, fill him with drive. Make him happier than he has ever been. I support him, and love him without reserve, without expecting nothing more than his love and support in return and he has never had that before.  

I can’t express how happy he makes me, how he takes me as I am, how he loves me no matter how messy my house is, or how crazy my ex husband is. He loves my girls. The most important part of my package deal. He plays with them, helps Faith with her homework when I can’t do the math (blush) And he will stop everything he is doing just to kiss me. 

Consider me completely lost. Over the top lost. Lost to a love that I didn’t even know existed. I’m broke, I have no idea what is going on with my right side, my exhusband is a mean and vindictive man that will spend the rest of his life trying to make my kids think I am a bad mother. But it doesn’t matter. My girls love me and they love Joe, and he loves us. And I really could never ask more than an unconditional love that takes me as I am, never tires of being loved by me. 

I ask Joseph, “Do I say I love you too much?” 

“How could you say that too much?” 

Did I mention I love this man. Sigh. He fed me red and white gummy worms last night. I love him a little more every time he does that. He gives me all of them in the pack. How could I ever ask for more than that kind of love?

Always here,

Lady X

Waiting

I am sitting in a waiting room waiting to be seen. Again. It is frustrating to me how long this process takes. How many places do I have to go to get some help? I kinda wish now that I had just gone to the emergency room. I might actually be done by now. Instead today is CAT scan day. And because of today I owe my sister a small fortune. I hate to think what surgery is going to cost. Oh why didn’t I just go to the emergency room? THis whole thing is frustrating. I am already more than tired of all of this. 

 

It all started yesterday with the doctors office calling me, tell me they found something hanging out between my uterus and abdominal wall. Fun fun. So I called off work, and made my appointment for this morning. Now I have drank the Kool Aid, and I am waiting an hour to go back, be pumped full of contrast and get this mess over with. This has been the slowest process ever. I don’t understand why things have to take this long. Makes me really upset that our medical industry works this slow. 

 

Time to go back and get this done. I shall recap the fun soon.

 

So that was awesome. (did you note my sarcasm there?) So the contrast that they put inside you which I have no idea what it does, has fantastic side effects that you feel immediately because they push this huge bag of liquid into you very very quickly. You will feel hot, flush (sounds fun, wrong kind of hot and flush) you will feel heavy, I started to panic at not being able to feel myself breathing. Best part? You feel like you are peeing all over yourself. Don’t worry, you aren’t actually doing it. It just feels that way. What’s worse, is that hours later I still feel like crap. I wonder how to suck it up and make some dinner. I wish that Joe wasn’t still at school dealing with tests and not being here to baby me. I just want to not have this problem in the first place. But alas, I have to suck it up. 

 

What also sucks? I am up to my eyeballs in owing my mom and sister now. I want so much to move in June and it just isn’t looking like that is going to happen. Perhaps I should put off moving till next February. I don’t know. All I know is I hate to see how much money they want from me when it comes time to surgically fix whatever the hell is wrong.

 

So now I think I will lay down, pout a lot, wish this nausea would go away from this morning and probably pout some more.

 

Sigh.

 

Always,

Lady X

Night

So in March there is another poetry reading with my wonderful friend Jerry. So now it is time to get off my enormous booty and write something. It has been a bit since I wrote anything and I feel the creative juices in me flowing. I wish to pour them into something wonderful.

It seems a thousand years ago
When darkness had filled up my soul

When the lovely light had left my eyes
When sadness marked my empty skies

So many sparks of light did try
To penetrate my darkened mind

Tiny rays of hope they brought
But fizzled out when trouble was sought

My hopes and dreams began to fade
No light left here, just darkened grey

Left alone within my thoughts
Dark as night and pain was wrought

A glimmer of hope in you I found
Could I dare to dream of love to be found?

This tiny glimmer did grow and grow
Freeing my mind, Freeing my soul

You loved me for all that I am
Your love a change in all our plans

My sky, my life, is dark no more
Light floods through loves wide open door

No more fear or pain to feel
Proof that scars can really heal

My heart is yours, my body, my soul
Forever after, with you.

All yours

Thank You my Joseph.

Craziness

Life is crazy. 

I ran into one of my bridesmaids while working my drive thru at Starbucks. Her name is Cat, and she is awesome. I don’t know her anymore but I am hoping to fix that. Funny thing is, we are both divorced now. I find it so interesting the way life goes. I also ran into my doula from Aimee (my middle kiddo) in my drive thru. I have run into old photography clients as well. Starbucks, bringing people back together one cup of coffee at a time.  This story is pretty boring, but I just wanted to say one thing.

Even if you haven’t seen someone in a long time, who knows. You may run into them at Starbucks. Maybe you should go get a cup of coffee right now.

 

All My Love

Lady X

Wish Granted

So yesterday, when I told Joe that I had to take the girls to their dad’s he was sad. He thought we were going to get to go to the park this weekend and have a picnic with the kids. Well it turns out that our wish is granted.

My ex calls me yesterday to tell me he “accidentally” dumped all of his medicine in the toilet yesterday. The doctor won’t give him more, and he can’t get an appointment to see the doctor for at least a week. So the girls aren’t spending the weekend with their dad. Works out great for me and Joe because now he and I can take the kids to the park.

Not so great for the girls, whose hearts I get to break when I pick them up. They were so excited to get to go. I am going to do my best to make this a great weekend for them. Feed them junk food, let them eat ice cream. The works. Because they deserve more. And by golly if they can’t get it from their dad well I will be damned if they are going to miss out. Lots of love pouring out for my girls because I will always be there to pick up the slack.

Always pour out your love into your kids. You never know when they are going to need it the most.

 

Always,

Lady X