Inside out

My emotions are on high today. I’m feeling all ofit bubbling just below the surface. I’m glad none of it has anything to do with my kids which is great. The problem lies with my mom again. She has kidney stones. She went via ambulance to the emergency room last night and the cat scan showed kidney stones. And a spot on her lung. Since she has no medical history because she has never had insurance they cant tell us if it’s scar tissue or a new problem since she just recently had so many rumors removed with her hysterectomy that she had a few months ago. Is possible she has more problems we don’t even know about.

Couple this with my realization of just how deeply I am in love with joe and I’m on an emotional roller coaster today and I just want the ride to take a break. I don’t mind the twists the turns and the upside downs, but my insides feel like they are falling out and I feel like I tearing at the seams.

I told joe last night that everything sucks, that I miss him and that with my mom in the hospital and him so sick still I feel like I’m being ripped apart at the seams. Too many people I love all broken.

He comforted me marvelously. He told me “I just wish I could give you a nice big hug, you know, to squeeze those seams back together.”

I’m holding it together, exhausted from being up to late with emergency room drama and then needing to be at work at 4a. Thanks Starbucks for thinking I need to be up this early.

All of this just pulls the mortality of this priceless short life into my full view. It is dark and hard to look at and my eyes,my heart, want to turn away and not look. Pretend that the cruel truth of this life is that my mom will die and leave me someday and I won’t have her to lean on and depend on. I feel scared that I love Joe so much that if I lost him it may actually be harder than my ordeal with Dick. (see my long emotional story post for that back story)

I guess all of this brings forward the human fear of loss. And we all have it. If we are human. And I just don’t like it being at the fore front of my exhausted brain this morning.

I will still love without reserve. I will tell my mom how amazing she is, how I love her more than the stars, and I will make sure she knows that I would choose her as my mom ove rand over no matter what the choices because she taught me the best kind of love.

I will tell Joe in no uncertain terms, that I love him, that I’m giddy and happy to be with him no matter what that looks like in the future and no matter what happens ever.

I will hug my kids and slather them in love. Make them know just how much and deep my feelings are.

I will tell my friends they are wanted and amazing and appreciated.

My lunch is almost over so I will take my emotions and swallow them with my Xanax since I’m drive thru bar and I need to be able to focus.

I send you off today with all my love.

Goodbye

Life so big
Life so small

Being a person
With no time at all

In a blink of an eye
All gone and no more

Sitting on the curbside
Near heavens door

Why so sad?
Why so low?

Life was too short
My Lord you know

Be comforted in love
Be happy in death

Be assured that they knew you loved them
Be comforted that you are missed

Look towards the earth
See all their tears

Love them as you would
We’re you still near

Be free of your fear
Be free of your pain

Your love with draw you To them
It will bring you back again

This poem is very sad and dark but it is what was on my heart. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s