Just a moment

I dont have long to write this so I thought I would share a moment with you from night before last. Lying in my bed, reading The Count of Monte Cristo with Joe, listening to the happy sounds of minecraft, my youngest decides its time for kisses. Our cloudy kisses as I m calling them now. She kisses me, at least four times. Then she decides it’s Joes turn. Without hesitation he is giggling and kissing her, cheeks all puffed out, face full of smiles. I was glowing at the exchange. Heart bursting.

Being divorced I come with three little beautiful suitcases. My baggage as it were. I love them and seeing them interact with the other part of my life that I love makes me happy. In a way I can’t describe.

Joe got to talk with and play with my oldest too and she is the tough one. But Joe is growing on her. I know all of this is the hardest on her since she still held out hope for me and Her dad. But I see her softening. And it makes me giddy all the more.

I’m happy people, and I am here to give single moms every where hope. You can find love even with beautiful baggage. I hope that your kids are as charming as mine.

Love ya!

Tiarra

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Boudior (insert winky face here)

When I was pregnant with number 3 (unaware) I had my first set of boudior done. Mostly for myself, but I did give my now x husband a book of images from it.

They weren’t very good. But they were mine. When I left, maybe sometime before my ex deleted them all. He is the only one with any. So in an effort to replace them with amazing much better pictures I have been planning for months to have new ones taken. My friend Howard is a photographer, and he is going to do them for me. For free. My bosses wife is going to do the make up for me, for free in exchange for pictures. Perfect. I have reserved a cottage suite at a beautiful modern bed and breakfast in Arlington and it is a separate building from the man house. Equipped with fireplace, king size bed, giant jetted bath tub, plush sofa. I’m damn excited about it.

I suggest that everyone do it at least once. I am currently building a music playlist for said session, dusting off my camera gear, getting my strobes ready, filling a small trunk with naughty lingerie and scarves and neck ties. There are a few things I still need. But I’m happy to be replacing my mediocre at best images with perfectly awesome images of me. Yes it sounds vain. But I’m only gonna look like this for so long, plus im raven haired tattooed Goddess (not my words FYI) and the pictures from before we’re of a reserved long blonde haired lonely lady.

That woman is gone.

Replaced with a stronger upgraded 2.0 version of me.

I want images of that strong woman. The me who knows who I am. And yes, I may get totally nude for this. Provided the angle is right. My lady isn’t perfect, but it’s beautiful despite its flaws and I’m proud and happy to be me.

So perhaps if I get an image that I feel like is truly truly me (I’m sure I will have many) I’ll share the most pg version here.

All my love as I patiently wait for September,
Tiarra aka Lady X

The little things

Point cracks me up the things in this life that truly make me happy. Most of the time it is something small and might be stupid to someone else.

For instance my littlest daughters is 3, 4 in October. She and I have our own kiss now. Seen cloudy with a chance of meatballs? Well if you have he kisses the girl in the end with his cheeks all puffed out. So now I puff my cheeks out real big and she has trouble not laughing herself silly at this display of big cheeks so she tries and laughs and this goes on for a bit. Honestly it makes my heart smile so big when she does it. And her laugh is contagious so I just end up laughing too.

I love seeing my girls interact together. They are actually really sweet to each other when my nephews aren’t here. I figured out that since they have been raised side by side that when they are all separated they behave better. So when it’s just the girls it’s just a festival of sweetness. I’m blessed beyond measure to have them.

My mom is super helpful. Shes amazing and wonderful and I’m just lucky to have her. I honestly have no idea what I would do without her. She helps me keep my kiddoes out of day care and helps me maintain my sanity that my girls aren’t with strangers.

Cooking dinner with Joe. Who knew food and cooking could be so naughty? So sweet? I have always enjoyed help in the kitchen. But if making dinner could be like it was last night I’m happy to spend forever in the kitchen. Barefoot and chained to the stove. And even green beans and carrots are tasty when you eat them with someone else. Kissing and food is not restricted to fruit, ice cream or puddings anymore people. All of it is good.

As for the rest of my night, I watched Joe fix my computer drama and then show the kids his minecraft server and all the things he has built. I was truly amazed at the creativity and depth to this game that I hadn’t really seen before. I saw the proud look in his face and the time and level of talent and craftsmen ship it would take to make what he and 4 of his friends had built from scratch and I was proud of him too. It was amazing. The kids were impressed. They asked I’m a million questions. I was just happy to see him interacting with all of them. And Faith, my child that was so adamant that mommy never be with anyone? She’s coming around. She even came to me the other day and asked me to ask Joe to help her with some minecraft stuff. I was waiting to hear her ask if he was staying over,or if he was coming over. But instead I was delighted in a question that included him in her little world. My heart stopped, and I took the moment in and smiled. Joe was happy to help and It felt like a moment that I needed.

Deeper and deeper I go. More lost to what has been amazing so far. He puts my heart at peace. He squeezes the stress out of me. And all at once I realize that my heart is not alone. It is bursting at the seems with love. Love for my girls, my time with them, love for my family even though they make me crazy, love for my friends, and love for My Joe. He has filled this amazing life with more love and peace than I thought I would have right now. I’m grateful and blessed to have him.

So what is this long blathering post about. Well like they said in Zomebie Land. Enjoy the little things. A silly kiss, a passionate kiss, a hug, a moment, a joke, a laugh. It’s all more important than anything else in this world.

All my love,

Tiarra aka Lady X

Now it’s just me

So I have been thinking about my anonymity on here. My lack of name, my code names for everyone (except my Joe)

I’m done.

This is my blog. My life and I’m proud to be me and share it.

My name is Tiarra. I have three crazy girls and I’m divorced and I’m crazy. I have tattoos and body piercings. I talk to my kids like they are grown because I don’t want them to be babies. Im not stealing their childhood. I’m just teaching them life isn’t easy as an adult and that they should be kids.

My girls are my world right now. I know someday they will grow and leave me. So in an effort to make sure I’m not codependent on them I don’t call them when they are with their dad. I let them have that time. I’m okay to be alone in this apartment and just veg.

I’m in love. Crazy in love. I think about him all the time, and he was the first person on my blog not to be given a different name. I couldn’t. Because he’s my Joe. I don’t want to call him anything else.

Im naughty. I think it is caused by years of repression in the realm of attention and sex. I love it. When I’m slightly bruised and sore the next day And I know why, I smile. I don’t care if it’s weird.

The most important thing I have learned since I started this blog 2 years ago?

I finally know who I am. I’m geeky, and nerdy. I love comic books, and super heroes, and I play video games. I would play classic dungeon and dragons if I had it. I love my dark hair, my tattoos and my art.

I’m a poet, a painter, a writer and a photographer.

Most of all I’m loved. Loe by family and friends and most of all by God. He’s pulled me out of some stuff. He understands me.

So what was this post for? Well today, as I prepare for my boudior portrait session in September where I will get to replace my destroyed pictures from when I was married, I get to be me, I get to be daring and sexy and geeky and fun and I am doing it just for me. Not for anyone else.

I thought about the why, I have figured out the how and the date is set. And it all leads up to my tattoo that is on my arm so I can see it everyday.

I am just me, and I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.

All my love,
Tiarra aka Lady X

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Cigarettes and a Show

Today is Thursday. I only know that because I worked. I tend to forget what day it is when I’m not at work. For instance I didn’t know yesterday was Tuesday because I didn’t care. Monday night the kids went to dads and I was reunited with my Joe. I hadn’t seen him in near a week and a half. I have been worried sick. With only the phone to comfort me while I am unable to care for him.

Now when you don’t see your love for days seeing them is almost surreal. When he walked through my front door I was giddy, heart racing. He looked smaller. My poor honey had lost at least ten pounds. He hadn’t been eating much since his throat was so messed up from being so swollen. His voice was still scratchy. But damn was he a sight for sore eyes. I pulled him into my arms and he pulled me into his and I swear for a moment the world just stopped spinning. He just kept squeezing like he didn’t believe I was really there. I just held on. I swear sometimes I feel like I might fall off the earth it’s spinning me so fast. And I get caught up in that spin. It just makes me dizzy.

I looked up at that happy smiling face of his. Just giddy. I asked him how he was feeling, what he wanted to do, I kissed his face at least a dozen times while asking all of this. Just grateful to be this close to him.

I’m very intense. I honestly feel with every fiber, every atom. Every particle. I’m an artist. I can’t help it. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t this way.

Strangely though while this intense I’m also a bit detached from the more emotional side of life. I rarely cry unless it’s a movie. Things that should make me cry don’t. So when I cry it takes me by surprise. One day when Joe was sick he called me. We talked. The afterwards he sent me this:

Joe: I’m missing you something fierce right now babe.

I cried. A lot. For a while. I just don’t do that. I left my ex husband and i didnt shed a tear. But with Joe, I missed him so much I was aching inside. And he pulled it all out of me with that sentence.

So having back in my arms was like in the movies.

So we laid down, and we talked and we listened to music and we watched some comedy and a movie. And I just soaked him in. I needed it. So did he. We never had any measurable amount of space between us the time we were together till he went home on Tuesday evening. I have proof. I have pictures with my iPad. Cheesy moments. But I love them. I also have the account of an eye witness.

Wonder what my title to this post means? Well after we saw The Watch at movie theater we stopped to get him some gateraid from the gas station. I can’t remember what he said to me but I grabbed that face of his and kissed it silly. And the car next to us rather loudly:

Strange man: I came to get cigarettes, I didn’t know I’d get a show too.

I blushed and Joe laughed. And I kissed him again for good measure.

I’m a lost cause with him. Over the top, head over heels, in deep.

He’s my puzzle piece.

I tell him all the time.

My penguin.

I’m an awkward mess of mush and love. And of loads of other things As well. But my heart is happy.

My Joe is back at work today, feeling fatigued still but a little better everyday. He and I will see each other fewer and farther between now that our schedules are opposite and he will have school on the 27th.

I’m planning a fall getaway. I’m sure I’ll need the face time with him by the time it gets here.

Every second is worth it. Every moment is precious. And I’m grateful for each one. And if it happens, and he runs away scared since no doubt I’m a heavy bag to carry I will be more than glad I felt his love. Felt his touch, his kiss. Heard him read to me, and wrestle me. And maybe sometimes I am just gonna come here and mush over him so I have a record. I enjoy sharing this journey with you all. Ill take the good with the bad in this life. And I’ll share it here.

Because even a moment of good can erase a wealth of bad.

Be loved my friends,
Lady X

Rough

I like it rough
This you know

You bite my neck
I kiss your throat

I push you down
Pined to the bed

Stronger than I look
Bad as it gets

You wink at me
I giggle, I smile

The all at once
I’m on the bottom of the pile

How did this happen?
What did you do?

Stronger than me
Not stronger than you

I let you win
I solemnly pout

You laugh
And I wriggle
Trying to get out

I win because you want me to
You boast against my mouth

Im lost in love
Poured straight from your spout

One second
One minute
One hour
One day

Worth it for that moment just to hear you say

I love you.

Inside out

My emotions are on high today. I’m feeling all ofit bubbling just below the surface. I’m glad none of it has anything to do with my kids which is great. The problem lies with my mom again. She has kidney stones. She went via ambulance to the emergency room last night and the cat scan showed kidney stones. And a spot on her lung. Since she has no medical history because she has never had insurance they cant tell us if it’s scar tissue or a new problem since she just recently had so many rumors removed with her hysterectomy that she had a few months ago. Is possible she has more problems we don’t even know about.

Couple this with my realization of just how deeply I am in love with joe and I’m on an emotional roller coaster today and I just want the ride to take a break. I don’t mind the twists the turns and the upside downs, but my insides feel like they are falling out and I feel like I tearing at the seams.

I told joe last night that everything sucks, that I miss him and that with my mom in the hospital and him so sick still I feel like I’m being ripped apart at the seams. Too many people I love all broken.

He comforted me marvelously. He told me “I just wish I could give you a nice big hug, you know, to squeeze those seams back together.”

I’m holding it together, exhausted from being up to late with emergency room drama and then needing to be at work at 4a. Thanks Starbucks for thinking I need to be up this early.

All of this just pulls the mortality of this priceless short life into my full view. It is dark and hard to look at and my eyes,my heart, want to turn away and not look. Pretend that the cruel truth of this life is that my mom will die and leave me someday and I won’t have her to lean on and depend on. I feel scared that I love Joe so much that if I lost him it may actually be harder than my ordeal with Dick. (see my long emotional story post for that back story)

I guess all of this brings forward the human fear of loss. And we all have it. If we are human. And I just don’t like it being at the fore front of my exhausted brain this morning.

I will still love without reserve. I will tell my mom how amazing she is, how I love her more than the stars, and I will make sure she knows that I would choose her as my mom ove rand over no matter what the choices because she taught me the best kind of love.

I will tell Joe in no uncertain terms, that I love him, that I’m giddy and happy to be with him no matter what that looks like in the future and no matter what happens ever.

I will hug my kids and slather them in love. Make them know just how much and deep my feelings are.

I will tell my friends they are wanted and amazing and appreciated.

My lunch is almost over so I will take my emotions and swallow them with my Xanax since I’m drive thru bar and I need to be able to focus.

I send you off today with all my love.

Goodbye

Life so big
Life so small

Being a person
With no time at all

In a blink of an eye
All gone and no more

Sitting on the curbside
Near heavens door

Why so sad?
Why so low?

Life was too short
My Lord you know

Be comforted in love
Be happy in death

Be assured that they knew you loved them
Be comforted that you are missed

Look towards the earth
See all their tears

Love them as you would
We’re you still near

Be free of your fear
Be free of your pain

Your love with draw you To them
It will bring you back again

This poem is very sad and dark but it is what was on my heart. (I didn’t mean for that to rhyme)