Insecurity –noun, plural -ties.
1. lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt: He is plagued by insecurity.
2. the quality or state of being insecure; instability: the insecurity of her financial position.
3. something insecure: the many insecurities of life.
At some point in time, especially when you are a geeky kid, you feel insecure. Don’t know where you fit in at in this world, not sure if you are good at enough things to make it worth it to be here at all. Lots of things cause insecurities. Being around people you can’t trust, decisions in life that led you to a place where life got so out of control that all you could do was sit back and watch and reap what you had sown. You can doubt yourself, you can doubt others, you can doubt that you shouldn’t even be here. Self doubt leads us down a road that no one should travel on. Life experiences make us afraid of people, makes us distrustful. But living that way isn’t going to save us from hurt. It is going to keep us from love.
I know a lot of people who are insecure, I also know this. Everyone at some point is insecure. It’s human nature to feel inadequate and want to be more. It just takes someone motivated to move beyond that. To want to be more.
I started this post in may but never got to finish it. So let me try to fill in my own blanks and finish this post.
When I started this post in May of 2011 I was seeing Carlos. I had loads of insecurities then. His and I’s relationship was a big secret then. When you can share your life with the man you love, but cannot be a real part of their life you will find loads of reasons to be insecure. Now insecurity didn’t mean I wasn’t loved. I know I was, and still am for that matter. But ultimately it was not to be. God sowed me some things and that relationship in the contextof anything romantic was not to be.
Insecurity is steeped in fear. Fear of what will happen in this,life, fear of the unknown, fear in general.
Life is scary. But I know this much, I can spend all day going over the things that make me less amazing than someone else, or I can dissect all the things that have happened to me and look for fault in what happened. But I would rather keep my memories as memories instead for stumbling blocks of mistakes and shame. I regret nothing. I want to look at this life and my memories, and even my mistakes and know that I lived, that I didn’t hide because of fear and insecurity. I will open up like a lotus flower to this life and live. Tomorrow isn’t a guarantee. God has placed me here in this time and place for a reason. Something to learn, something to do, someone to help. I don’t know why I am here as of yet but i will figure it out.
Because that’s what smart girls do. I know there are so few of us, and a few of you probably scoffed at the smart girl comment but I feel like I have some life lessons learned, more to learn yes, but enough to know that love must be embraced. Even if it is momentary or fleeting.
Just to be loved.