Sleep, what is that?

I am starting to believe that sleep is for everyone but me. I have to get up in 5 hours for work, coffee for everyone! But alas I am awake and I am wishing I was sleeping. 

So here I am, panties and tank top,dark room, iPad, Dave Matthews singing to me. I am alone. Now this is not the usual lonely. I don’t feel lonely of companionship. Just alone in the sense that I am the only one awake, laying here wondering what coffee slinging looks like tired. Sigh.

Now, to think about sleep I would say that while I like a good coma lately my sleep isn’t very productive, my dreams are weird, I cant remember them most of the time and that is frustrating. What if I was having a great naughty dream and the couldnt remember? How terrible is that! Especially if I can’t come share it with you.

So I decided while laying here I would go through all my menstrual cycle data and see if I could find what I had lost. Well I did. While to may seem stupid to do at midnight, I can do it from bed in my undies with no extra effort and it helps for when I go to the lady doc to give her good info. (I have girl drama but I’ll save that for another post)

So I learn some things from the notes and emotions I had listed over the course of a few months last year. Kinda made me sad. While I was actively in love with Carlos, in my happy state, every time I posted emotions in regards to being in love, one of the emotions I listed feeling at the same time was Lonliness. Another was depression, and jealousy. Unhappy emotions to be associating at the same time with love. I want to spend time pondering what this might mean, if it means anything at all since if you have read any of my older posts you are more than up to speed on the dramtic beginnings and endings of the Carlos saga. You can see that it was filled with a lot of stress and anxiety and I am sure it is easy when surrounded by such painful stress that these kinds of emotions can be linked.

I am sure the ramblings of my sleepy brain at hardly worth reading. Summer is almost here, almost time for a little break. Camping soon to get away and then camping again as a family with my midgets in July. So much to want to find doing.

Lord let me sleep, take my weary brain and see that it sleeps.

And as Sade says, if it’s not asking too much, please send me someone to love.

With all my love always,
Lady X

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It’s just a sofa

Okay so random post for today. My favorite neighbor broke parole a few months ago and so back to jail he went. Well today they threw all of his stuff outside. It was really sad. Now the terrible part is that I took the mans couch. It’s a nice couch. Plus I can’t even begin to tell you how naughty this couch looks. Yes, it’s just a sofa, in theory. But in the inner workings of my crazy brain I see a plethora of naughty encounters that could happen here.

I’m sitting on it now, and my brain is flooded with images of grandeur of an epic orgasmic nature. So what is so great about this couch you ask? It’s huge! It is an endless playground of kissing, touching and fantastic exploration. It goes on forever! Yes, I am in fact a glutton for punishment too. You just start on one end and and makenyour way through all the twists and turns, it is hours and hours of fun.

It’s fantastic to just sit and imagine the 101 or more uses each area of this sofa has.

Now the glutton in me finds myself sitting here alone, as usual, but it’s the song that came on that made all of this worse. John Mayer – Edge of Desire. Sigh. He speaking my language tonight. Filling my head with such thoughts.

Don’t say a word, just come over and lie here with me, cause I’m just about to set fire to everything I see, I want you so baldly I’ll go back on the things I believe, there I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me.

Sigh sigh sigh.

This glutton is going to finish her evening with the girls, early bedtime means less torture I can put my brain through.

Always with all my love,
Lady X

Nobody’s home

I have dealt with a lot of hard things in this life. I have come away from these experiences having grown, having learned, and being just a little bit better for it.

I have decided that it is harder to deal with some of the small things than it is to deal with some of the bigger things.

My kids are at their dads this weekend. And he keeps all of them now. So for the past few times it has been his weekend I have come home to an empty home. I have come home to no one. I have put my stuff away, ran a hot bath, then gone to bed. the empty bed. More reminders that I am single. I decided to finally drag myself from bed at noon. Take a shower and get out of my house. I don’t need on days like this to spend time thing about the lonely. Makes my mood worse.

So here I am, alone, eating sushi (cause it cheers me up) and yes I am alone. I think it will take me a long time to adjust to not having the girls with me sometimes. Its ok though. Everything in this life has a learning curve. Maybe I spent too long comfortable, not learning. Lord knows that since I left my ex I have had nothing but learning curves. Everyone needs to learn. It’s good for us. It helps us grow. And honestly you are just watching life if you aren’t learning and growing. And it’s a boring movie if you don’t participate at all. I want to live, to thrive, to grow, to love. All of these things help us live. And I thi that if most people took a deep look inside, a really good honest evaluation, most people aren’t living. Just existing.

I don’t want to just exist, I want to live, to be apart of the bigger pict ure. And yes, be apart of the tapestry of life even if that means that I get to be a lone string, rather than a matched pair.

Live today my readers, all two of you. I am always here, thinking of you and hoping for bigger futures and bigger love for all of you.

Love always,

Lady X