Kiss Quick

This song has been my mantra this week. I just keep listeing to it over and over. I love the rhythm, the lyrics. Nothing about it I don’t love. Plus I feel like it speaks to me, I feel like the woman in the song. Listen to it. Its beautiful. Let it flow over you. It fills me up, it speaks. It is brilliant. You know how I love music, if you don’t you need to read my post on it.

My Love always,
Lady X

 

“Kiss Quick” Matt Nathanson

This year, all but disappeared,
bought into fairy tales,
But sleeping beauty just
kept score and tried to sleep more
She said “I’m not quite, myself tonight,
But the way you touch me, oh, makes me tongue tied,
That could be the wine too.”

Kiss Quick, I’ve got a line out the door
Who all think they can save me.
One by one they lay the world at my feet,
One by one they drive me crazy.

She said “I know Love,
and it’s all push and shove,
so stop talking
and put your back into it.”
Loaded, oh my hands shook to hold it
I turned her body on, I turned her body on myself.

Kiss Quick, I’ve got a line out the door
Who all think they can save me.
One by one they lay the world at my feet,
One by one they drive me crazy.

Shut your mouth,
Pull me out, before this all goes grey.
One by one they lay the world at my feet.
One by one they go away.

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh-oh

Come on, come on, come on.
Kiss quick, I’ve got a line out the door
Who all think they can save me.
Oh, one by one they lay the world at my feet.
One by one they drive me crazy.

Shut your mouth,
Pull me out before this all goes grey.
One by one they lay the world at my feet.
One by one they go away.
They go away.
They go away.

Sell my blood for money,
baby, baby.
And I love how it feels.

This year, all but disappears.

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The dark waters have claimed me
The pain of loss
The pain of fear
The pain of an endless lonely night

My aching heart
My swirling head
My emptiness

The ocean waters rush over my head
The cleansing cold
The maddening deep

The end of me
The beginning of me
The newest day and moment
I am renewed

I stand alone
No fear
No pain

I am ready to begin
Ready to start anew
Ready to hope
Ready to believe

I see the light
The tunnel opens up before me
I seek my love
His face
His smile

I see him there
Arms outstretched
Awaiting me to fill them

The empty is gone
The old me dead
The new me alive

I fill your arms
I am complete
Perfect
Whole

Darkness

Chaos swirls inside of me
Anger and pain the evil envy
The never ending dread

The darkness tries to steal me away
No light to be seen
No hope to be had

The road goes on
No light in the beyond
No sense of purpose

I cry out for help
I am met with silence
My voice echoes in the dark

I am alone
No home
No love
No life to call my own

My eyes seek life
They see only death
A grave of Loneliness
Dug by me

My pain
My sadness
My own making

Let me lie now
In this grave dug for me

Let me have silence
Let me have peace
Let me have nothing
As I have made it all for me

Wishes

All my wishes fade away
All my stars are dim
My shining knight has been delayed
The battles I wage I cannot win

The battles here are meant for two
Yet alone I stand weapon in hand
I look across the blood soaked earth
The broken hearts and loves lost

No hope to take on the endless lonely
No hope to battle it here
My blood soaked cloak
My hardened weapon ready

I will end this lonely fight here

Will I stand alive when the war is over?
Will my heart still be beating fast?
Is it possible this fight could lead me to a perfect love at last?

Tequila

I have done everything in this life a little later than everyone else. My teen years seemed to have started after I left my now ex husband.

When i was younger I wanted to date, I wanted piercings and tattoos. I didn’t do any of these things. I got with my ex when I was seventeen and we stayed together till I was 30. I left 3 months after I turned 30. My first tattoos and body piercings happened right after and I consider myself now apart of the mysterious world of dating.

So why the prelude when the post is entitled tequila? Well I never drank either. I had no reason, no taste for it. I didn’t start even testing the waters on this till my late twenties. I Still have only been drunk enough to get sick and have a hangover once. I try to be a bit reserved in my drinking. I am getting better but luckily my taste is expensive so I am too spoiled to be a drunk. I need the good stuff and since that stuff is expensive I only drink occasionally.

Now the post is entitled tequila because this is my favorite. Give me some Cabo Wabo Blanco tequila, some salt and lime, a funny movie, and a pack of Camel turkish silver and I am 5×5 for the perfect giddy evening of giggling and perhaps some naughty behavior I may have otherwise been too sober for. (I doubt this but I haven’t tried it so I can’t say for sure)

So I hate drinking alone, another reason I wont worry that I am on my way to becoming an alcoholic. It’s depressing that way. I need someone to get crazy bombed with. The usual choice is Joe. He is my tequila drinking buddy. He is also one of the few people that has actually seen me drunk like that. Carlos has too, but he and I were both so bombed on tequila that everything is just a mist of dizzy conversation and tingly skin that we didn’t dare touch.

So why a post on tequila? Well because it is yummy, and it just makes me want to dance, to giggle, and feel free. Let me fly I say! Now, I do feel a little like Jack Sparrow does about Rum with my tequila. I look at the empty bottle and wonder why all my tequila is gone, then I look at my empty shot glasses, the eaten limes, and listen to my giggles and I know why. Perhaps my love of tequila comes from the fact that it has helped me realize that all alcohol has an effect and it isn’t always the same. Vodka makes me loud, and obnoxious, rum makes me sleepy, mixed drinks don’t do much for me anymore. Tequila makes me giggly, happy and brilliantly funny. Duh, I am drunk so of course its funny.

I wonder sometimes if perhaps the free feeling is just an extension of me feeling like no matter what I am still in a prison. A prison of fear of showing who I am. Fear that I won’t be accepted. Now while I think of this deeply (I said deeply, lol) I know this, While I am afraid, I don’t care anymore what others think. I am me, I love it, its my preference to be me. I have been someone else for far too long for me to want to ever go back to that. Someone unlocked my cage, I think it was Dick, and he let me out. I have felt the sun on my face, felt the wind in my hair. I can never go back to the sunless caged existence from before. I am free. Free to be me, free to live, to love, to play, to run, and yes, to fly.

This post started off wonky, but yes while I feel free’er with the yummyness of tequila, I don’t need it. I like it, but I am loud, and amazing, and wonderful, strong, and brilliant and its all me. So the realization that occurs is that I need nothing to be me and to be free. Just to remember that I am free, free to fly.

Dont be afraid to let go of what weighs you down and fly. My favorite blogger Nowan Zen said that. Be free.

Fly.
Love Always,
Lady X

The Bouncer

Yesterday my bouncer came into my store. He and I dated ever so briefly and our ending was more of a fade out than an ending. Just a dropping off of sorts. So I was surprised when he came in the store. He’s still fantastic eye candy. I am not going to lie, he’s brilliant to look at. Knowing who he is, the motivation that drives him, his determination, I know what an amazing man he is. I also know he has no time in his life for anyone. It may be years before he does. So while I know it is better that he and I parted ways, it doesn’t mean I am not sorry that he and I couldn’t have pursued something more. We had good chemistry and we like lots of the same things.

But perhaps this was to show me that there are certainly a plethora of nerds out there for me to choose from. My options are not limited as I once thought. Perhaps it was a lesson is patience so I know how to wait. I don’t know. I assume everything is about learning. Everyday is a new chance to learn something about you, about life, about others. So today I learned that while yes, the bouncer was fun, he was sweet, witty and intelligent, and most certainly sexy beyond reason, my need to feel like I am getting to know a person, a need to feel part of the chase, not to be the chaser, the need to feel like perhaps my time is not wasted when there is waiting to be had.

Anyways, I know that road is closed. I don’t see how it would be opened again. But I am not a fortune teller so I will be patient that God will send me someone when he is ready.

Meanwhile I will have some harmless fun, the kind that won’t get me into trouble and see where the paths that God lays before me lead.

Have fun readers, you just get this one life.

All my love,
Lady X

Bad dreams

There are few things in this life that scare me. Tonight I felt helpless to help my little girl.

See before I left my now X husband my oldest and middle daughter had night terrors. Since they were pretty young there were lots of tears, lots of them trying to get away and lots of me talking to them, comforting them, trying to bring the out of it. It was tough and scary but once we moved out they had stopped. In a year and a half that we have been on our own it has been rare for my middle one to have one, and my oldest hadn’t had one since we left.

Tonight she had one. And she’s older and this time she talked while having it. My heart ached for her. I held her, felt her fear, listened to her tell me what she could see, felt her try to run away. I spoke to her, trying to soothe her, trying to reach her in her pain, and terror. I looked her in the face, held it in my hands and she couldn’t see me. I yelled out to her that I needed her to come back to me, to wake up, that I was right here, that I had her, that she was safe, that I would keep safe.

She yelled, “I don’t want to die”. She was so scared, I could feel her heart racing as I kept her locked in my arms, I could feel my heart racing and my head pounding, I just kept telling her to wake up, that I was right here. I kept asking her what she was seeing, telling her she was just in mommys room, in my bed with me safe. When she started to come out ofit a little she said she exploded. She started to see where she was I could see the cloud lift from her eyes. I felt flooded with relief that she was out of the awful place that this terror had take her.

It took me a while to stop asking her if she knew where she was. She lies next to me sleeping now. No memories of her bad dreams and what they contained. I lie here praying God lets her sleep in his peace. I even went and got the last child of mine that wasn’t in my room. Tonight I need all my babies with me. I am the luckiest mommy in the world and I going to sleep in the peace that God will stay up late, and watch overme and my girls. Forgive my misspellings, my bad grammar. That’s just the 2am showing.

Hug your babies or pray for them. Let the children sleep peacefully Lord.

Love always,
Lady X