A candle lit on both ends dies faster.

Sometimes I feel like I have been lit on both ends. Waning faster and faster, with no one to blow out the constant flames that threaten me on both sides. The ever continuing consumtion of all that is me by all of the things that I come in contact with.

The flames scorch me, they steal my air, leave me winded, breathless, panicky, climbing the walls in desperate search for escape. Finding no way out, feeling the flaming walls close in, my eyes leap towards the heavens, seeking He who made me, seeking his wisdom, his guidance, his councel. My gaze is met with silence. He has no words for me, no comfort, no words of hope. Just to be still. He promises not to let the flames consume me. They will burn you, but you will no be taken from my grasp, I am here. These are the words that I have read a million times, but as the flames come closer, as I feel the heat singe my skin, as my blood boils, I swim in fear, I drown in the heat. I wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

The waiting is what I hate. In this scenario where I sit and burn the waiting, not the burning is what I hate the most. I am used to being burned. I am good at it. But the waiting for the end of the heat and the scorching feeling of loss and loneliness is what I hate. I want to know that there is an end. I am unsure, I am at a loss. Because I don’t know what God wants for me, if alone is what I need, is what he wants. Because I am only human. Half alive without someone to be my other half. Feelings of uselessness in the arena of love overwhelm me. My cup lies empty on the floor, turned on its side. No way to fill it till someone comes along and puts it back right side up.

(Note to reader, I really need to stop listening to Christina Perri)

So today, in my bereft lonliness the song that speaks to me, makes me wish to find that love is below. Think of me.

Penguin – Christina Perri

Can you find the time to let your lover love you?
He only wants to show you the things he wants to learn too.
The hardest parts you’ll get through, and in the end you’ll have your best friend.

Love like this may come once; baby it’s fate.
Like a soul mate, he’s your penguin.
Baby it’s fate, baby it’s fate, not luck.

Can you find the time to let your lover hold you?
He needs somebody to hold to, his love is strong and so true;
His arrow is aiming for you and he’s the one that you were born to love.

Love like this may come once; baby it’s fate.
Like a soul mate, he’s your penguin.
Baby it’s fate, baby it’s fate, not luck.

Let go; let go of time for you and I.
Let go; let go of time for you and I.
Let go; let go of time for you and I.

Love like this is all I want, baby we’re fate.
Love like this may come once; baby we’re fate.
Like a soul mate, you’re my penguin.

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