Fear

There are few things in this life that I am really afraid of. Today I was posed with one of those things. Up close and personal. See this fear I have never really experienced.

The death of a close loved one.

Don’t worry, no one died. This isn’t that kind of post. I also know that we all take the same dirt nap. No escaping that. But it all started last night.

See, I had to shoot a party last night. Just as I was about to leave, and I went to take my mom some medicine because she didn’t feel good. I found her lying on the bathroom floor. I asked her if she wanted me to call an ambulance or take her to the hospital. She opted to be taken to the hospital, so I left for my party and my sister took her to the ER. Well, it took them forever to get any help, several hours, and she was in serious pain. My mom is the toughest lady I know. So if she is crying, or saying that she can’t stand the pain, that means something. So after spending my evening working hard, taking pictures, not having any service in the ballroom, so every half hour I would have to walk outside to try to check on her I get home at about 1am, on my way home my sister tells me they are admitting her to the hospital and that we should know more in the morning. All we knew at this point was that she had a cyst that was big enough they couldn’t tell where it was coming from. Further discussion with a gyno and the surgeon on staff they decide that based on her blood count, her symptoms and with the tests they have done, she is internally bleeding and the huge cyst must have ruptured. Fantastic. I get a text from my sister about 7 am, they are taking all her inner lady parts out. Complete emergency hysterectomy.

So I get the Ex husband to take all 5 kids, mine and my sisters, and me and my brother meet up at the hospital so that we can be there when she goes in and comes out. Well today I bought a pack of cigarettes. I caved. I plan on enjoying the whole pack too. This year as been so stressful.

So Mom is doing well now, she even kicked all of us out of her room. Said we were crowding and smothering her. Brilliant. She always wants our attention and now she can’t get us to leave her alone. I am so glad we left a cell phone with the lady all drugged up.

Perfect.

So I was faced with the possible loss of my Mommy today. Yes, I just typed Mommy. That is the closest in years that I feel like I have come to losing my mom. It was hard and honestly I am not sure how I made it through the day without crying. I did though. And without my Xanax.

I was also faced with something I didn’t think I would have to really face today.

I am alone.

This phrase sounds ominous. But it isn’t. It is just the realization that my sister has her boyfriend, who she says has the emotionally supportive capabilities of a potato, my brother has his fiance and I have no one. It isn’t a bad realization. Just one that was a little more painful and hard to swallow than I thought it would be. I had the support of my loved ones, I had friends that checked in on me all day, lots of prayers, lots of love. But it isn’t the same. I had no one to lean on the way that you lean when you want to let go and let someone just hold you while you let it all out.

There was another time in this life that I felt this. It was when my littlest one had mouth surgery. She had a general anesthesia and I was so worried, afraid I would lose my baby. But even though right next to me was my husband (at the time) I was alone, with no one to lean on. I was afraid and I had nothing to do but lean on God and pray he was hanging out nearby and listening to me.

No, I am not whining this time. This is a personal realization that look, I made it through the day, alone, and wrapped in the vortex of thoughts swirling through my head on two different planes of existence. I couldn’t think about one scenario at a time. It was how are we oing to survive moms time off, how are we going to do the bills, what if I have to plan a funeral, how do I tell the kids their grammy died, will be be able to handle it all? Too many questions, two different ways to think about it all. I am glad and relieved that the one I am planning out is the one that involves my mom coming home. I worried that I wouldn’t ever see her again when they wheeled her away.

So personal realization in hand, grateful heart that my mommy is grumpy and torturing the medical staff at HEB feels great. I am in good spirits tonight. I am truly not worried about how we will take care of everything. My GOD is big, much bigger than me. He’s got my back.

As for my lonely realization. Well, I don’t know how long that God intends for me to be alone, I know it is good for me. I just know that a huge part of me today just wanted to be held so I could cry and vent my frustrations and feel helpless yet safe in the arms of the man that loves me. But alas, I am a big girl, and while I avoided the tears all day and I am pretty sure for now they are tucked away nicely and with any luck will stay gone for a bit, I think that sometimes, big girls do cry. And sometimes….

They cry alone.

All my love,
Lady X

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