The appropriate word for today.
1.the state of being or living alone; seclusion: to enjoy one’s solitude.
2.remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity: the solitude of the mountains.
3.a lonely, unfrequented place: a solitude in the mountains.
I have to say that I don’t feel like any of these definitions fits me today. I am alone, and yes enjoying the seclusion, some sushi and my ipad and I am 5×5. And I figured out how to tether a wi fi spot with my cell phone for my ipod so I don’t even need internet to use my ipad online now. So cool.
So solidtude. It is what I have chosen for myself before work today. Usually I hang out with my mom or my brother before work but today I just wanted to be alone. The only problem, I don’t want to be at home. Just felt too antsy to be at the apartment with it so quiet and empty. No sounds of children playing or fighting. I hardly knew what to do with the quiet. I thought about taking a nap, but I thought it might make me more tired than I already am. So nap skipped, energy drink in hand and work clothes in my car I raced off to find solice in the peace and quiet of the sushi place. Headphones on, Rumer playing in my ear I am typing away while I eat and I feel more peaceful than the antsy person who needed to run away from the quiet of home.
I used to could pack away the sushi. Boy howdy has dieting changed how much I can eat. Eating better is amazing, and I feel better, but I miss packing away the food. Half a Las Vegas roll and almost everything else in my bento box later and I wonder if I can finish it.
So I get a text from Carlos last night, asking for the tattoo art that I had some up with for him. It ends up sparking what can only be yet another conversation where I feel like I have to be the bad guy. I try to keep my distance, not be a stumbling block or an emotional issue for him or anyone else for that matter. He understands my position, my thoughts and feelings about all that has transpired between us. But he still wants to go over it, and see if maybe there is a magical angle that I haven’t looked at because he doesn’t feel like it is supposed to be over. I honestly find myself at a loss. I have no comforting words to offer him. No beautiful emotional reunion to soothe the ache that he has. I am a fixer, it is what I do. I want to help others, try to be a blessing and heal their wounds. But I cant fix this. It isn’t my place to. He doesnt have peace, he doesn’t have closure regardless of what I say, how I try to explain and that is hard for me. I want to say something that will help him get over all of this and move forward. Find a beautiful strong woman that doesn’t have a history with his ex and find himself in love and happy. But he can’t see it. He still has hope and I feel like the crusher of dreams when I tell him that I wish he could move forward, find peace, and replace that hope with hope for a future with someone else.
This conversation is why I try to avoid talking to him. Because the fixer in me wants to make him understand, wants to find a magic sentence that will help him move on. But it doesn;t work that way. Those words aren’t mine to give. I am the one who ended it, I am the one who stands behind my choice, my decision 100%. I know it was right, and I know it was what I was supposed to do. (I am rarely wrong)
I hear God very clearly sometimes. People think that just means I am crazy. But it is what it is. For example, when I was at the end of my rope in my marriage, when I didn’t know what to do, I prayed. A lot. I wanted God to fix it, to make it right for me. And he told me no. He said, “You need to move, you need to make the hard choices, do whats best, be a big girl.” It was rough, but I did it. He wanted me to make the choices. When I wanted to be with Carlos he told me no, he said, “This temporary, this love is not for you, I will take you from this situation when the time comes, you are just here to teach and lead, then it will be time for you to go. If you fall into all of this it will just be harder for you to leave.”
I dont always listen and what Carlos is going through now is proof that I shouldn’t have let it go where it did. He will say the choice was ours, but I knew the consequences of my actions. That burden is mine to bear.
He asked my why I have such peace and clarity. Well let me tell you about that. I have a breaking point inside me. I am convinced God gave it to me as a defense from staying in potentially harmful situations. The last time I let my X husband have sex with me he came home from a concert, spouting how it was my wifely duty,the bible says I have to submit to him. Afterwards when he went off to bed, as I cried something inside me broke. I had no feeling left for the marriage, the man, nothing.
One of the last conversations that I tried to have with Carlos about his kids, the situation and how I felt about it, I was trying to tell him about how I felt, and it wasnt working as usual. As I was starting to say something that was pivital to what I was trying to say, he told me he had to go, the kids were looking at him funny and he didn’t want to give his X mother in law more to talk about by being on the phone. Something that night broke inside me. Maybe it was God telling me, you have done your best. It is time to listen to me and let go. This break was a little different than the one that happened with my ex husband, I still cared and loved Carlos. But I knew what was coming. I knew it wasn’t going to work. Then God showed me what my relationship with him was really, just a way for Satan to use me to hurt others. I know that exes have to eventually get hurt and get over seeing thier former spouses with someone else. But the situation was a little different than that. The Evil W and I were best friends once, our families played together, we ate dinner together with each others kids several nights a week and for almost a year we were inseperable. Then she wigged out when I couldn’t give her all the attention she needed. What happened after that was years of an on again off again friendship that I should have let die the first time. She hates me for lots of reasons. I have no regrets for the decisions that I have made. She hates that. I know who I am, I know how to be happy as that person, she hates that too. And I can look back at everything and move forward. She is stuck in a land of unforgiveness for herself and everyone around her.
I cause her pain, just by being me. Its stupid and crazy but I cant change her. No one can. She has to make those choices herself. But I won’t be a figure in her life causing her pain no matter how crazy it is. And I can’t do that. Add insult to injury I slept with her ex husband that she regrets losing. I can’t be that person, I can’t know that my being involved in all that hurts her no matter that it isn’t my fault. I am subject to my own and God’s accountability when I think about the fact that I know I have the ability to hurt someone by just being there. I can’t do it. Add on top of all of that, that she has no problem using children against Carlos and me and I can’t be that woman. I have to be bigger and move past that.
So my reasoning is solid. It has no holes or faulty logic. It is what it is. And unfortunatly it hurts Carlos for me to do it. But that is one thing that I can’t control. He’s a big boy, he will find peace. He just needs more time. And I need to stay far away. He told me last night he misses his friend. I miss it too. But I don’t know that we can get back to that, at least not for a seriously long time.
So in my solitude today I have thought about conversations that happened last night, and I am still firm. I stand behind my choices, I believe that they are what is best for everyone, and what God wants. There is nothing more that I can do but pray that peace and resolution for Carlos can be found. But those things are also out of my hands. Unlike most people, I know what I can control and what I can’t. There also isn’t much that I can control, but I know this, I can only do what God asks me, and hope that he smiles down on me when he knows I made the hard choice, the hard decsion and did what was right in his sight and no one elses.
So as an end note, I didn’t finish my sushi, I have two pieces left and I can’t finish it. Seems like such a waste but I don’t want to run off to work and feel icky.
In the words of Ry Cuming, the singer I am currently listening to:
Watch me as I fall, into the water calling, watch me as I sink, into the sea and always remember………….Me.