Silent Blog

I apologize for my silence the last few days. Epic sized episodes with Carlos has left me unable to come here to write.

Let me explain.

When I wrote the post that contained my ideas for my love letter blog I sent Carlos into a fit. See he was supposed to write those with me. I wrote him seven letters and he never responded to a single one. When he read that I had chosen a customer to help me he thought it was my bouncer friend that he is jealous of, not the musician and writer one that I am actually working with.

He was hurt and angry that I would take our stories to someone else. But I never felt they were anything more than my stories. I wrote them, alone. We talked about them, and I enjoyed the idea that he might respond though something inside me said he wouldn’t. I shouldn’t have thought he would. But he was hurt and upset that I would write them with someone else. I was furious about the way that he talked to me. He sounded like the evil w. telling me how I stabbed him in the back and then doubting that I cared for him anymore.

I was furious. Is it really so terrible for me to want my stories to be told? I lashed out and told him what I felt, what I thought and he apologized, gave me his blessing to pursue my art. While I appreciate his telling me I can, I didn’t need his permission. I would have killed the story had he asked me. I don’t hurt people if I can help it. Though this week I am pro.

So after this outbreak, there are a few days of his attempt at idle chatter. The day before yesterday I get a long winded text that his X the evil W says that now it is okay for us to be together, and now he thinks we shouldn’t have parted ways. Her being crazy is only one of the reasons I let him go. The main one was that God told me that I needed to let him go. Too many people were hurt by us being together and they would always be hurt. It was a hard realization and it took me days to share it with Carlos once I had come across the need to tell him that we just couldn’t be. He agreed at the time, but then a long conversation till three am leaves me having to hurt him all over by telling him that it is still the same, we still can’t be together, regardless if s crazy x thinks now its okay after spending the last year trying to keep us apart that now its ok.

So last night while i am at work she texts me. She thinks we should talk.

Here is our conversation verbatim:

Evil W: I think we should talk

Me: I have nothing to say to you that I wouldnt have to ask Jesus to forgive me for. Leave me alone. You have said more than enough to me to last me a lifetime.

Evil W: he loves you so I can’t leave it alone. If you dont want him the ok, but don’t make me your reason. I’ll stay out of it.

Me: you have never cared before so don’t pretend now. You aren’t my scape goat, god showed me things and I had to deal with them. None of it is any of your damn business.

Evil W: oh believe me, I’m happy to. I did all I could, wallow in it , I don’t care about you, only him, and you will lose a good thing if you walk away. I’m good either way, I’ll not say another word. Suffer as long as you like.

Me: you don’t care about him, you selfish bitch. Stop trying to make it like you do. He will see through your fake crap or he can suffer dealing with your psycho crap.

Evil W: bye

Me: fuck you W

Evil W: very Christian of you.

That was the end of our conversation. And I love how after all she has put me through isn’t it just the pot calling the kettle black. I love how I got told how I made her respond to me that way because I didnt give her the chance to tell me that now its ok. I never needed her approval or permission and neither should he have needed it. God made up his m ind and every time I think about my nearly sobbing at work, my coworkers trying to calm me down after the onslaught of texts from Carlos about how wrong I was to do that to her when every time she has been mean to me I left her alone. I warned her I didn’t want to talk to her. The warning went unheaded and since she never even sounded like she wanted to say sorry I don’t even care. I’m doing what I am supposed to, I won’t have others attempt to tell me that I must be listening to Satan or that I am reading what I was told wrong. Sometimes God is very clear to me and sometimes he is not. This time he was crystal clear. Why can’t they just let it be? I want to be free to get over what has been a year of love and fear and stress and joy and pain and suffering. It is hard to have all of that at the same time.

Now what is the point to my ranting tonight. Well the quiet started when Carlos wigged about the letters, and it ends with a goodbye text last night and peace and quiet in my phone today.

I have never been so grateful for the silence,the love that I wanted came with more scary pain, i was told over and over was my doing and if only I would go away that they could all be happy. Well away I have gone, I am no longer the source of their pain. I know that Carlos is hurt and I am sorry and my heart breaks for that. I hate to hurt people, and I have done a lot of hurting people now over the last two years. I hurt bob, I hurt dick, I hurt Carlos. And the one I have hurt the most in all of this is me. No one counts that while your mistakes hurt others, the most pain is absorbed by who knows the cost, and that is me. I am aware every time I need to hurt someone what that cost is, a piece of my heart, a piece of my heart that I cant get back.

I spend lots of time aware of the pains that my choices cause. It hurt me everyday that I stayed with Carlos knowing that he was being attacked by her. I hated it, and I knew if I was gone it would stop. I hated that she used the kids to hurt him to get at me. I hate that my presence did that. Will some other woman cause her to go all crazy? I’m sure, but maybe with less history and a stronger spirit and maybe even because his kids will be a little older or maybe if he has learned a damn thing from this whole situation he can figure out how to defeat the Evil W. I don’t know. And I don’t know if I want to know. That part of my life is over. I loved and I lost. Even lost my friend. Because when it came down to it we can’t be friends, and when it came down to it, even when he had the chance to see that she was attacking me, that she wanted to attack the sore spot with me, he took her side, he then told me how terrible it was for me to attack her. I know that there is no justification in my being mean to her. I am not going to make excuses, she has more treated me badly for years now. And honestly me telling her where to stick it was long over due. Christian or not. There is a peace in knowing that my final tiny conversation with her was not one where I let her walk on me yet again. Carlos may hate that I didn’t listen intently to some crap she made up to ease her conscience since she is the stealer of all people’s joy, I wish he could take a moment and realize that I told her to leave me alone, she didn’t and I responded to her with hardly what would have been considered to have been deserved. I know that Jesus died for all of us. But she had none of Gods grace for anyone but her and I am sure that is still how it is now. I am not keeping anything from her. I harbor no bitterness at her because it wasn’t her that led me to end it with Carlos. It was God. I stopped seeing him so I wouldn’t cause the crazy woman any more pain, and I didn’t want her to hurt his precious children anymore because of me. It was the right thing to do.

While the clock approaches midnight and I run along to bed, all I have left to say is that I have learned a lot this year, last year and the year before. Far more than I had learned in the years before.

I regret nothing.

Yours always,
Lady X

What I’ve done – Lincoln Park

In this farewell, There is no blood
There is no alibi
Cause I’ve drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousands lies
So let mercy come and wash away

What I’ve Done
I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
and let go of what I’ve done

Put to rest, What you thought of me
Well, I clean this slate
With the hands, Of uncertainty
So let mercy come, And Wash away

What I’ve Done
I’ll face myself
Tto cross what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done

For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done

I’ll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
Erase myself
And let go of what I’ve done
(Na,Na,Na)

What I’ve Done
What I’ve Done
Forgetting what I’ve done

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