TooBig

I realized something today that broke my heart. I was talking to my three year old and she was rather upset that all the other kids get to go to school and she gets to watch them leave, when I realized something. My baby is gone. This is a hard realization for me. I just figured that God would let me keep this one small so that I can keep the surging estrogen mountain at bay. Alas, I was wrong. I looked at her today and discovered that my baby is now a big girl. Potty training and weaning on the horizon and a single future ahead of me, I realize that it is possible that she may be my last one.

This is also hard for me, I always wanted another. The prospect of more children seem less likely now. Further away and even so, less important. I am blessed. I have beautiful girls, every one of them a interesting combination of personalities. I can see me in them sometimes, and it makes me smile, and sometimes frustrates the hell out of me. Didn’t I hear something as a kid from my mom about my behavior biting me later? It’s a good thing I was such a good girl.

So today I am aware that aging is in fact upon me. That I am not ever going to be any younger than I am in this moment and once this moment passes I am just closer to the ending we all must endure. Yes that is a little morbid but I am in fact all whacked out on cold meds since I am sick so you will just have to bear with the morbidity for this morning.

So what is the point of today’s post? Not much I suppose. As I watched my little ask where her uncle was this morning, after I told her she scared me to death running off when I couldn’t see her and her telling me “I scared you mommy?” I just know that the time for babies in my life is over, at the very least for now, and I am glad to have my big girls.

All my love always,
Lady X

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