Love Madly

I am not going to lie. I am a little crazy. I really need to be to deal with this crazy life. I was reading a fellow bloggers blog and one of the posts mentioned to love madly. This phrase made me pause. I am in fact intrigued by this phrase.

Defintion of Madly:

adverb
1. insanely or wildly: The old witch cackled madly.
2. with desperate haste or intensity; furiously: They worked madly to repair the bridge.
3. foolishly: They lived madly, wasting all their money.
4. extremely: They’re madly in love.

I like to think that given the chance that I would love to approach most things madly. But I long the most for the chance to love someone madly. Reckless abandon, without fear, without reprimand. I want this love of course to be reciprocated. I love this phrase

Madly love with reckless abandon. Mmmmmm. I want to approach love with my heart on my sleeve. It is waiting in the palms of my hands, scars and all, waiting to be received by the one that I shall love and spoil.

I don’t think that I actually know any other way to love. I want so much to be a true statement of an inseperable love. I want to dive in head first, no thought to what might happen, all fear and worry thrown from me, cast aside. Non existent. I want people to see it in my face, know it in my smile, see it in my stride, feel it glowing off of me. See the difference in how I look at seeing my love, feeing his arms wrapped around me, strong arms, protecting arms. The love and safety mirrored by the way they would hold me. The effects of just a hug, just a meeting would be lasting, it would show for hours and hours, and it would bring joy to my soul at such an innocent exchange. No hug or kiss needed (wanted yes, but not needed) just that hug, that moment, the exchange of touch and words would be enough to sustain.

Indeed this love is probably rare, but alas it is what my heart and sould and body cries out for. Just to see their face light up as they see you. It is an amazing thing love. Especially the kind between a man and a woman. It is powerful, it is passionate, it is sexual, and friendly, and intense, and innocent, dark and light, pure and evil, desperate and necessary for life. Not just the continued existence of our humanity. But life itself for each of us needs love.

Me, I need to love passionately, it is who I am. I am a passionate, sensual, woman, I need to love and be loved. It is an intense need inside me. God shows me that this is who I am, I am intended to be an intense creature, it shows in my art sometimes, in my images when I am the photographer, it shows in my writing when I am the author, it is there bubbling on the surface when I am actually part of a relationship and I want to be intense and sexual and love on every level there is. Bury myself inside the other person and feel their warmth. It is what and who I am and intense it probably always what I will be. Certainly if that changed I don’t think I would know what to do with myself.

Although honestly, at times like now, secluded, alone, longing to love madly, I am not sure what to do with myself anyway.

Love Madly always,
Lady X

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No

Adverb –
1. (a negative used to express dissent, denial, or refusal, as in response to a question or request)
2. (used to emphasize or introduce a negative statement): Not a single person came to the party, no, not a one.
3. not in any degree or manner; not at all (used with a comparative): He is no better.
4. not a (used before an adjective to convey the opposite of the adjective’s meaning): His recovery was no small miracle.

This is a very interesting word and after much contemplation about the meaning I have decided that over the course of the last two years I have learned something very interesting about me, about how I handle things, and the way I answer people and why I do the things I do. It goes in line with my inability to lie. I can’t lie, its just how I am. I don’t even think I can be taught. Well I have also learned something about the word no. I cant use it. If I want something, or I want to do it, I can’t say no. I have an inability to use this word and I can’t not do what I am asked if I want to.

This is an interesting psychosis, I like to lump it into the catergory of my inability to lie because it seems to be something tthat is damn near involuntary. For instance, just because I know I should say no, but I don’t want to say no means that usually I am going to say yes. Just like if you ask me something and even if I could fabricate a brilliant lie, I still have to tell you the truth. I can’t help it. It is a fatal flaw. Omission is my only way to go as far as lying, (see post on omission)

The problem with the no thing is that sometimes I want to do stuff that is less than good for me. I really really want to. And provided I not posed with a situation in which to participate in this bad I am good. But stick me in a place to indulge in some recreational badness and I think I may be in trouble. I wonder for things like this if they have behavioral control medicine. Just curious since honestly, if I want to do it, and someone asks, its all over. I can’t say no. It isnt just, oh I shouldnt, or I cant, or thats a bad idea, my mind jumps over all of these and heads straight into the Let’s Do It! and consequences for bad behavior be damned and handled later. Now I don’t worry that am going to do anything illegal that will get me put in jail or get me into any serious trouble. I just merely made the complete discovery and I like to check in here before I forget. I find it interesting and it makes me wonder if there are any other areas, emotional, psychological, physical, that I may have other hang ups like this. The no thing, the inability to lie, just makes me curious as to whether or not I have any other issues like this and what they may look like.
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No worries readers, I am not currently participating in something that I will be worried about later. I just thought about this while staring at my glow in the dark star studded cieling at one am, and I really knew I wanted to write this.

So what do I do about this problem? I see me keeping myself out of problem areas that I know are going to get me into trouble and if I do get in trouble. Well I probably won’t tell you until well after the fact. Just to save face.

Peace love and happiness readers and if you get into trouble, be sure to tell me all about it.

Love,
Lady X

Musical Ecstasy

The pathway to my soul. I always want it playing. The sound, the notes, the lyrics, reverberating through the bottom of my soul. Feel it powering my cells. Depending on the sound and the song and the meaning it can power me up, power me down, or drain me, lift me up, drag me down, make me cry, make me feel, make me love, it is a magical soup blend that fills me up no matter what. The music doesn’t always matter. Tonight it is Matchbox 20. Something about Rob Thomas and the songs from one of his first cds just speaks to me tonight. No one song imparticular. Just all over the map. But I love it. The sounds, the notes, running through all of me. Honestly there is something for me about music that is very sexual to a point.

Sometimes I just want to have the music running over me. I can’t help but move my body to the sound and it just makes me move, and depending on the music it could look sexual too. I need to have it in me, flowing around me, filling me up. It is very very deep and meaningful and empty and shallow all at the same time. It is hard to explain the way that music speaks to me. It’s spiritual, physical, sexual. It runs deep inside me, and my spirit. It’s as if it is part of me. It can be old music, new music, hip hop, regae, rap, country, oldies, rock and roll. It doesn’t even matter to me. I just need the music, the vibrations running over me, even in my sleep. I play the music now on my ipad next to my face practically just to feel the music pour over me in my sleep.

I need it, and it drives me crazy when I can’t hear it. I sneak my ipad into my drive thru spot so I can listen to it at work at night because the cafe music is either too hard to hear or it is all wrong for my mood. And mood matters too. See how terribly complicated this whole scenario is. I sometimes don’t even know what to do with myself. I want to think, and breath and live the beats in the songs.

Some songs are more important than others. Some speak to my on a higher level. Sometimes its the music, sometimes its the lyrics, sometimes its just the singer. I can’t explain it, and some songs mean so much to me and I still dont know why.

This week music has felt very sexual. Yes, I am sharing a lot but I just need to feel the words leave me. Sometimes I can think better once the letters and the phrases leave me. It’s primal this week. My feeings about music anyway. Sometimes it is more so than others. Tonight, very much. its been creeping up on me all day.

Busted – Matchbox

Forget when words were only words
She knows the party makes me nervous
In this stage we can’t get hurt
Don’t try to understand me

We’re too cool to be alone
But, not too crazy to get busted

I found out one life ain’t enough
I need another soul to feed on
I’m the flame I can’t get burnt
I’m wholly understated

I found silence in this space
An on and off again attraction
I need such amazing grace
Heaven sweep me away

Love don’t change, don’t come around here
Don’t wear my heart on your sleeve
Like a high school letter
Don’t strain, cuz nothing ever comes from it
And the people we’ve become, well
They’ve never been the people who we are

I strap on one horse and prayed for luck
I dug another hole to bleed
I know exactly how this works
I need a new feel dirty

I don’t need you crowding up my space
I just want to get inside you
You can’t blame the heart you save
Giving something away

Love don’t change, don’t come around here
Don’t wear my heart on your sleeve
Like a high school letter
Don’t strain, cuz nothing ever comes from it
And the people we’ve become, well
They’ve never been the people who we are

I dreamed that the world was crumbling down
We sat on my back porch and watched it
I dreamed that the buildings all fell down
We sat on my back porch and watched it
In my head I heard the sound
Like fifteen strangers dancing

But oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I want you to know me
Oh how I wish I was somebody else, baby
Oh how I wish you could own me

Love don’t change, don’t come around here
Don’t wear my heart on your sleeve
Like a high school letter
Don’t strain, cuz nothing ever comes from it
And the people we’ve become, well
They’ve never been the people who we are

THis song is rolling over me crazy. I just want to listen to it over and over. It is in fact the perfect song for me tonight in the midst of the crazy swirling musical ecstasy that is pounding in my ears. It is in fact crazy and wonderful and magical. I can’t even describe it. I felt this way once, it was with Dave Matthews song Shake Me Like A Monkey. So I have been here before. I am always alone when this magic happens, which I imagine is a good thing. I probably would hurt someone in the most awesome way if I was to find myself actually alone with someone.

I don’t know what spurs or starts this feeling and I imagine what drives it but it is powerful, and awesome. And I consider myself lucky to feel this way at all. Even if I am alone to dine on the musical foreplay that finds its way into my soul as it drives me to cry out and sing out louder and louder as the vibrations take over. The music is always there. Ever a presence in me, always wanting to be apart of me, and my moments. Desperate to be out, wanting to be seen by everyone. Look at me the music cries. See me for what I am and who I am. Look and me, love me, be with me, dance with me, kiss me, make love to me, sweat with me, pant with me, know me, own me, fall over the edge with me.

Damn I love this song. Its like the 8th time ive listened to it now. I need more!!!!

My soul is burning up, the notes, the guitar, the drums, the bass, pour over me, take me over, fill me up, burst from within me, deep inside me.

Music is a deep part of me, I feel it all of the time, it rules me sometimes, I feel it, no matter if I can hear it audibily, it is always there. The piano notes, the lyrics, the build up, the release, oh how I want you to know me, oh how I wish you could own me.

Sigh. It is so intense sometimes I don’t even know how to respond but to dive in, let it take me over, overtake my thoughts, burn me, take me, tear me down, build me up. It is far too much but I simply must have it!

I feel the guitar, it strums in a crazy tempo that finds all my deepest places. I need it, want it, can’t get enough of it. Heaven sweep me away.

I need a new feel dirty.

I just want to get inside you.

The tempo picks up its pace, I feel it, pounding, faster and faster, then slows to a pace that makes me crave it, faster faster faster. Please.

I dreamed that the world was crumbling and we sat on my back porch and watched it! Oh how I want you to know me….

It’s crazy intense and I want the release but the interesting thing about the music is there really never is a release, it is just a lull in the vibrations. Just a moment to partake in the amazing orgasmic feeling of a song filling me up, taking me over, and leaving me when it is finished.

Love don’t change, and don’t come around here.

I feel like I could in fact partake in this for hours, and I might, just depends. I think I will go home and play this till the endless loop fills me and I feel the lull.

Listen to the song btw, and let it fall on. It is amazing. And if you don’t feel it, well not everyone is like me.
Never and yet always yours,
Lady X

Too late

After some late night reading of my own work I am amazed at how love feels.  I am also amazed at how it is taken away. Humans need to feel love. It’s how we are created. So how is it that something so fundamental to our survival is something we either chase away, give away, have taken away or we kill it and avoid it when it’s so important?

Love languages are very interesting. Mine two big ones are physical touch and quality time is a close second. I found that very interesting as i thought acts of service would be but i was wrong. I knew about the touch but was surprised about quality time. It makes good sense though. I think that for me these are the two hardest ones to have. Maybe I just feel like that cause they are mine, but I feel like I got the most high maintanence ones. A guy hears my love languages and says, “oh lord, an attention whore”. Too much work. Pile on that my kids and crazy family and I’m certainly a giant pain. A worth it pain because I spoil whomever I’m with. I just need to, it’s how I show love, besides the touching and time spending. I’m all over acts of service. Some lucky guy will get it someday. For now my kids are being spoiled because my service is to them right now.

It’s just two hours before my day starts, and a zombie dream and the feeling that if that happened I feel lIke we would behelpless in it is what has me up in the first place. Me with all these kids, alone, weapon less, left me wide awake and a little raw. But I’m a big girl, I just need to spend more time training for all kinds of fights. Even imaginary ones (that could totally happen)

Be loved and love with reckless abandon.
Always me,
Lady X

Not sleeping

So here I am, the time approaching midnight and I am not asleep. It’s my own fault, a double tall breve peppermint white mocha aka the calorie bomb, and not decaf are most certainly the reason for it. I yawn, but alas, sleep eludes me. This is what I get. I am not overly worried. Fiona Apple is singing to me as I type this up and I feel quiet inside. I have the urge to write and plenty to write but happily my brain is in an interesting state of quiet. Thoughts not bearing down on me. For this one moment as I sit in my bed, my toddler laying sideways and covered by puppies (and she is totally in my spot) I am content. I’m trying to absorb the moment. They are so few. I need nothing I this moment. This moment is short lived though. My imagination just went into high gear once I said I was content. Dammit.

So what do I do, I think about things that I love. Things that I want, and dream of. Once this week is over its time to bear down and study, time to get back into school. Finish my associates and work towards what I want, which is to teach photography and art.

Should take me next to forever but that’s ok. It’s what happens when you don’t know whon you are for all of your young adult life. Then you hit thirty, you find yourself, and you have a lot of catching up to do.

This week my hope is to finish my Starbucks art, get my pics edited so I can spend all of Saturday shooting party pictures and then after the party pictures are done I can enjoy the scary process of going through what will be at least a thousand images. But it’s all good.

So this wacky no direction post that is probably making very little sense is making me think far too much in many directions this late I thinki should run away and try to sleep. Perhaps I will sleep to dream. To dream of things that will be amazing. Or perhaps not.

I am always here, a click or letter away.

Sincerely,
Lady X

Burning up

So I feel the creative fires burning inside me this week. After a wonderful meeting with my co-writer for my love letter blog I am even more excited about the story he and I are building. I can’t give away the details but it is going to be emotional, and heartbreaking, and in the end we will see what happens to my beloved characters. I really feel blessed to have someone who is very compatible in style that we can work on this type of project together with little to no conflict about story and character development. It’s a very neat experience. We have had lots of positive input from those we have shared it with and I am excited to do some work on it tomorrow. Be prepared for some major character development this weekend!

As for my lunch (which is where I am typing from) it is almost over but I am so glad to have this place to come to and share my thoughts and visions and I am do excited to see where things will go today and tomorrow.

As I run away to make coffee and smiles, (yes I make people smile, all day long) I think of my writing, my photography, all extensions of me and my artistic nature and it makes me smile. I really am glad today and my tattoo and this site name are indeed true.

I wouldn’t want to be anybody else.
With my love,
Lady X

Solitude

The appropriate word for today.

Solitude:
noun
1.the state of being or living alone; seclusion: to enjoy one’s solitude.
2.remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity: the solitude of the mountains.
3.a lonely, unfrequented place: a solitude in the mountains.

I have to say that I don’t feel like any of these definitions fits me today. I am alone, and yes enjoying the seclusion, some sushi and my ipad and I am 5×5. And I figured out how to tether a wi fi spot with my cell phone for my ipod so I don’t even need internet to use my ipad online now. So cool.

So solidtude. It is what I have chosen for myself before work today. Usually I hang out with my mom or my brother before work but today I just wanted to be alone. The only problem, I don’t want to be at home. Just felt too antsy to be at the apartment with it so quiet and empty. No sounds of children playing or fighting. I hardly knew what to do with the quiet. I thought about taking a nap, but I thought it might make me more tired than I already am. So nap skipped, energy drink in hand and work clothes in my car I raced off to find solice in the peace and quiet of the sushi place. Headphones on, Rumer playing in my ear I am typing away while I eat and I feel more peaceful than the antsy person who needed to run away from the quiet of home.

I used to could pack away the sushi. Boy howdy has dieting changed how much I can eat. Eating better is amazing, and I feel better, but I miss packing away the food. Half a Las Vegas roll and almost everything else in my bento box later and I wonder if I can finish it.

So I get a text from Carlos last night, asking for the tattoo art that I had some up with for him. It ends up sparking what can only be yet another conversation where I feel like I have to be the bad guy. I try to keep my distance, not be a stumbling block or an emotional issue for him or anyone else for that matter. He understands my position, my thoughts and feelings about all that has transpired between us. But he still wants to go over it, and see if maybe there is a magical angle that I haven’t looked at because he doesn’t feel like it is supposed to be over. I honestly find myself at a loss. I have no comforting words to offer him. No beautiful emotional reunion to soothe the ache that he has. I am a fixer, it is what I do. I want to help others, try to be a blessing and heal their wounds. But I cant fix this. It isn’t my place to. He doesnt have peace, he doesn’t have closure regardless of what I say, how I try to explain and that is hard for me. I want to say something that will help him get over all of this and move forward. Find a beautiful strong woman that doesn’t have a history with his ex and find himself in love and happy. But he can’t see it. He still has hope and I feel like the crusher of dreams when I tell him that I wish he could move forward, find peace, and replace that hope with hope for a future with someone else.

This conversation is why I try to avoid talking to him. Because the fixer in me wants to make him understand, wants to find a magic sentence that will help him move on. But it doesn;t work that way. Those words aren’t mine to give. I am the one who ended it, I am the one who stands behind my choice, my decision 100%. I know it was right, and I know it was what I was supposed to do. (I am rarely wrong)

I hear God very clearly sometimes. People think that just means I am crazy. But it is what it is. For example, when I was at the end of my rope in my marriage, when I didn’t know what to do, I prayed. A lot. I wanted God to fix it, to make it right for me. And he told me no. He said, “You need to move, you need to make the hard choices, do whats best, be a big girl.” It was rough, but I did it. He wanted me to make the choices. When I wanted to be with Carlos he told me no, he said, “This temporary, this love is not for you, I will take you from this situation when the time comes, you are just here to teach and lead, then it will be time for you to go. If you fall into all of this it will just be harder for you to leave.”

I dont always listen and what Carlos is going through now is proof that I shouldn’t have let it go where it did. He will say the choice was ours, but I knew the consequences of my actions. That burden is mine to bear.

He asked my why I have such peace and clarity. Well let me tell you about that. I have a breaking point inside me. I am convinced God gave it to me as a defense from staying in potentially harmful situations. The last time I let my X husband have sex with me he came home from a concert, spouting how it was my wifely duty,the bible says I have to submit to him. Afterwards when he went off to bed, as I cried something inside me broke. I had no feeling left for the marriage, the man, nothing.

One of the last conversations that I tried to have with Carlos about his kids, the situation and how I felt about it, I was trying to tell him about how I felt, and it wasnt working as usual. As I was starting to say something that was pivital to what I was trying to say, he told me he had to go, the kids were looking at him funny and he didn’t want to give his X mother in law more to talk about by being on the phone. Something that night broke inside me. Maybe it was God telling me, you have done your best. It is time to listen to me and let go. This break was a little different than the one that happened with my ex husband, I still cared and loved Carlos. But I knew what was coming. I knew it wasn’t going to work. Then God showed me what my relationship with him was really, just a way for Satan to use me to hurt others. I know that exes have to eventually get hurt and get over seeing thier former spouses with someone else. But the situation was a little different than that. The Evil W and I were best friends once, our families played together, we ate dinner together with each others kids several nights a week and for almost a year we were inseperable. Then she wigged out when I couldn’t give her all the attention she needed. What happened after that was years of an on again off again friendship that I should have let die the first time. She hates me for lots of reasons. I have no regrets for the decisions that I have made. She hates that. I know who I am, I know how to be happy as that person, she hates that too. And I can look back at everything and move forward. She is stuck in a land of unforgiveness for herself and everyone around her.

I cause her pain, just by being me. Its stupid and crazy but I cant change her. No one can. She has to make those choices herself. But I won’t be a figure in her life causing her pain no matter how crazy it is. And I can’t do that. Add insult to injury I slept with her ex husband that she regrets losing. I can’t be that person, I can’t know that my being involved in all that hurts her no matter that it isn’t my fault. I am subject to my own and God’s accountability when I think about the fact that I know I have the ability to hurt someone by just being there. I can’t do it. Add on top of all of that, that she has no problem using children against Carlos and me and I can’t be that woman. I have to be bigger and move past that.

So my reasoning is solid. It has no holes or faulty logic. It is what it is. And unfortunatly it hurts Carlos for me to do it. But that is one thing that I can’t control. He’s a big boy, he will find peace. He just needs more time. And I need to stay far away. He told me last night he misses his friend. I miss it too. But I don’t know that we can get back to that, at least not for a seriously long time.

So in my solitude today I have thought about conversations that happened last night, and I am still firm. I stand behind my choices, I believe that they are what is best for everyone, and what God wants. There is nothing more that I can do but pray that peace and resolution for Carlos can be found. But those things are also out of my hands. Unlike most people, I know what I can control and what I can’t. There also isn’t much that I can control, but I know this, I can only do what God asks me, and hope that he smiles down on me when he knows I made the hard choice, the hard decsion and did what was right in his sight and no one elses.

So as an end note, I didn’t finish my sushi, I have two pieces left and I can’t finish it. Seems like such a waste but I don’t want to run off to work and feel icky.

In the words of Ry Cuming, the singer I am currently listening to:

Watch me as I fall, into the water calling, watch me as I sink, into the sea and always remember………….Me.

Lady X