All stories have ends, Some are happy and some are sad. So far for me, all the endings to the stories that I have participated in have been sad.
This post is no different. I am not Dorothy and this isn’t the wizard of oz. There was no water for me to throw on the witch. And in the battle of good versus evil I lost. The witch won and I am left yet again standing alone. My girls by my side I will stand with them.
My heart is broken, And there is no repair. There are no band aids for me. There is nothing to be done. There is no fix for this. It is just over. No teary goodbyes because I wouldn’t want Carlos to see me cry.
Our ending was simple. His kids want nothing to do with me. Being the brutish, mean spirited whore that I am. The witch got to the kids and turned them to her side. She is their mother. Of course they believe her. Again, nothing to be done. Carlos and I talked about this and the kids always come first. I am not angry with him. Not entirely anyway. While I can try to think in my mind that maybe things would have been different if lies hadn’t been told or omissions kept from people it all doesn’t matter now.
The story of Carlos and I has reached its end. There was no happy ending for me there. God has made up his mind and we can’t got back.
I have reached another point in my life in these last 2 epic years of change to find that again I have found myself in a fairy tale only to find it false. Too good to be true or lasting.
Tonight in my anger and pain I pray. Pray that the Lord would look down upon my heart tonight and offer me peace. Offer me a moment free of this heartache. I pray that he would look upon my enemies with grace and mercy even though it is the hardest thing I have ever asked my God to do for me. When I would rather pray evil and hell upon them. I don’t want that poison in my heart.
As I look at the clock and realize the time I see that a new day has started. Today I start fresh again. I wonder when i will be done with this constant onslaught of new beginnings. I never wished so much that I could run away. And never look back. Leave this place that has caused me nothing but heartache in so many ways and start over somewhere new. Without all the same pains and memories that this place has to offer me.
My pain this day knows no bounds and I am grateful that the day is mine. No work today. No coffee to be made.
Today I start over and I am grateful that as I start yet another new path in my life that at least I know that God is holding my hand.
My love always,