It is surprising how long a day is when you don’t want to be a part of it. I changed the name of the blog today. Now Carlos can’t read it. I just felt like if I am truly gonna disconnect myself from him I can’t know that he can come here and see my thoughts and read about me. So now the name is changed and I wonder if I can start making the move forward. I am not sure how to move forward but I am determined to do it.
All the ways that I am sad are not even measurable. But today now there is anger. Anger that Carlos didn’t fight for me. If he hadn’t kept me a secret then maybe had everyone been honest things right now would have been different. But it doesn’t matter. Hindsight is always 20/20. My vision is perfect to see that I let myself be a secret for far too long. Now there is nothing left but a broken dream of a future than just like last summer, turned out to be another fantasy.
Today was filled with disapointment for me. I worked on my mom’s car and we couldn’t get it to work. For something so simple as it supposed to be the starter the work and effort that went into finding out that the old starter was fine, the starter they gave us was for an automatic and the time I wasted on it was in vain made me crazy. On the other hand it gave me something to do that took up a good portion of the day.
I have also decided that I do better being angry than sad and hurt. When I am angry at Carlos I feel better. like I can handle things a little better. I accept that this is the way this is going to be. I went through denial before the break up since I knew it was coming. Now if I could settle into anger I can follow the classic steps for mourning and hopefully be over it before Christmas so I can enjoy the holiday with my girls.
I wish I could runaway. Leave and never look back. Take the girls and go home. I don’t want to be here. Everywhere I look I see Carlos. Makes me sad. and feeling sad makes me feel heavy. And I hate that feeling. Its the worst feeling ever.
So while I try to post here to clear my head and my heart of all the mess contained therein I will hope that you will be patient while you wait for the funny life posts to resume and I pray that it is soon.
Always with my love,