Not Mine

Not –adverb
1. (used to express negation, denial, refusal, or prohibition): You must not do that. It’s not far from here.
2. U.S. Slang . (used jocularly as a postpositive interjection to indicate that a previous statement is untrue): That’s a lovely dress. Not!

Mine –pronoun
1. a form of the possessive case of I used as a predicate adjective: The yellow sweater is mine.
2. something that belongs to me: Mine is the red car.
3. Archaic . my (used before a word beginning with a vowel or a silent h, or following a noun): mine eyes; lady mine.

What is the first word we learn as children? No, and Mine. Well I have learned something in my travels of this life in the short 30 years that I have been here. I get told NO all the time, and nothing is ever mine. If you have kids you realize how quickly your stuff is abducted by them. I find I am on my electronics half as often as my children are. Now, that being said I don’t mind sharing some things. I realize that sharing makes life easier and I did tell you to share in the moderation post so don’t think I am contradicting myself here. I want you to share.

This Mine I speak of is the feeling of belonging to someone else, and the feeling that someone belongs to you. (If you have read the ridiculously long post on the side that is my long story, you know how important the idea of being mine is to me)

I don’t speak of the idea of “mine” as owner ship. I don’t want to own another person. I want to belong to them and vice versa. GOD created us to be with someone. He said it was NOT good for Man to be alone. So he created woman in his likeness to be with man. He wanted us to be with someone. This way, we couldn’t get into as much trouble as we can when we are alone. That other person keeps us in check. And we keep them in check. There is a lot less trouble you can get into when you are accountable to someone else. Now your friends can keep you accountable to a certain extent but that is only as far as you let them. When you belong to someone else, you value them even more. They are yours, and you are theirs. That value places them in a higher spot inside your mind and it will actually created a higher understanding for what they say and how they feel about your actions. If you are lucky enough to have the other person know you well, they can even stop you before you do self destructive things. This is brilliant! Now the perfect scenario for this to work is that you both have mutual respect for each other. If you don’t respect your significant other and vice versa none of this works and it is all for crap.

You have to remember also that people make mistakes. Since we make mistakes we have to remember that these mistakes can hurt people. I think we even make mistakes when we are so afraid of being alone. So we stay in places we don’t belong. Fear runs us as a people. It has caused so many bad things in our past, wars, and drama that could have been avoided if we didn’t spend so much time fearing things we don’t know. Ever stay with someone just because the idea that being all alone was so terrifying that staying seemed better than facing the unknown? Everyone does it. Being alone is hard. But remember that you have more people around you than you think. And you are stronger than you think. And braver, and smart, and wonderful. Being alone doesn’t mean you have no one. You always have GOD, and there are more people around you that care for you than you even know. I bet if you died tomorrow there would be more people sad to see you gone than you would ever even imagine.

So why am I trying to be so uplifting on a subject that seems to be something I get to hear a lot from GOD? Well first, because it does me good to see it here all typed out. Things are easier to understand for me when I spell it out for myself. It is also due to the fact that GOD tells me NO all the time, and also informs me that what I have is not mine. Last summer I struggled deeply and for along time that what I wanted wasn’t mine to have. I wanted to be with Dick. I wanted him to ask me to come there and be with him, and be a family. He would never do that. So when I said “GOD, why not? Why can’t I go forth and seek my happiness?” He said to me ” He is not yours. This is not your time. Patience my child. I promise that someday it will happen.” Yes, that is so what I got back and if you think I am crazy oh well. I am only trying to do what I am told.

So what of it now? Well, my dear sweet Carlos whom I love is currently who I am being told no about. Sigh. This is a no that is hard for me to swallow and I keep hoping that perhaps GOD will change his mind. Because while Dick was obviously not a good match since we had next to nothing in common, Carlos and I are well matched. Besides the drama that Bob and the evil W cause me on a semi weekly basis that is. His kids love me, my kids think hes super nice, he loves comic books, hes a total nerd and I love him for it. But alas. In February GOD told me, “Don’t get attached. He’s not yours you know.”

I have had this feeling for a while. When I woke up this morning I had the feeling as if someone had grabbed one of those big hourglasses and flipped it over. As if a timer had started ticking down to when my time would be up with Carlos. No matter what I do I feel like over and over he tells me that no one is mine. I have my girls. That is all.

When I prayed he would heal Bob, he said no. It wasn’t my place to ask. I am (still currently but hopefully not soon) his wife. Why wouldn’t it be my place to ask that? Well maybe because despite my title, and the paper from the beautiful state I live in, he isn’t mine either.

Now as I lie in my bed, all alone (except for the 2 year old that I will snuggle up and go to sleep with tonight) I think to myself that being alone sucks, but it is a great place for the Lord to teach me to grow. I am not sure the timeline on me and Carlos. It doesn’t feel like the countdown is soon. It just feels like it isn’t meant to be forever. It pains me to type it, and I know it will hurt him to read it later and he knows that I am sorry for that. I have to have faith that either GOD will change his mind, or that he does in fact know what he is doing (being the creator of all life and all).

With all my love and prayers for love and happiness for everyone,

Lady X

Lie in our Graves – Dave Matthews Band

When I step into the light
My arms are open wide
When I step into the light
My eyes searching wildly
Would you not like to be
Sitting on top of the world with
Your legs hanging free
Would you not like to be ok, ok, ok?

When I’m walking by the water
Splish splash me and you takin a bath
When I’m walking by the water
Come up through my toes
To my ankles
To my head
To my soul
And I’m blown away

When I’m walking by the water
Splish splash me and you takin a bath
When I’m walking by the water
Come up through my toes
To my ankles
To my head
To my soul
And I’m blown away
I can’t believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Wondering if we had
Spent our living days well
I can’t believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we
Might have been

I can’t believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Wondering if we had
Spent our living days well
I can’t believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we
Might have been

Would you not like to be
I can’t believe that you
Would not like to be
Would you not like to be
Ok, ok, ok

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