Alone

Alone –adjective (used predicatively)
1. separate, apart, or isolated from others: I want to be alone.
2. to the exclusion of all others or all else: One cannot live by bread alone.
3. unique; unequaled; unexcelled: He is alone among his peers in devotion to duty.

Yes the title speaks for itself. Interestingly enough this post is about feeling alone when not alone. Yes that does sound stupid. No I don’t want to change the wording. I can write this however I like. And that being said, I have been kinda bitchy this week so beware reader. Plus it is not aimed at you. So you can watch the train wreck without getting any dirt or rubble on your clothes. Isn’t that just brilliant?

I spent a lot of time growing up as an outcast. When you are friends with all guys, and you don’t care too much for things of a super girly nature you end up being the odd one out. It didn’t start to bother me that I was an outcast till high school. Eating lunch alone in Jr High wasn’t a problem because I was out of school sick for most of my jr high time. So I ended up being homeschool by the district. Nothing says continue your introvert training like sending the teachers to you house and making sure you can get along well with adults. I think that my ability to relate to boys at that time, as well as my conversational skills with adults was just another log on the fire that kept me from being able to relate to my peers. It didn’t occur to me till 9th grade (the first year of it anyway) that I had trouble getting along with kids my own age.

First off I had no sense of fashion. I really don’t have much sense now. But my adorableness surpasses my inability to coordinate clothes so I suppose that doesn’t matter. So going into a new school, first year of high school, terrible rumors of initiation for the freshman class. I was very scared. I had just spent the last 2 years being homeschooled on and off. I really didn’t have great social skills with my own age group before that. Spending my time looking at art work by M.C. Escher and reading poetry and honing my writing skills and fudging my way through my math with my adorable math teacher who came directly to my house just turned me into a bigger unsocialable nerd. Lucky for me they have programs for the socially awkward nerd who doesn’t know where to go. It’s called FFA (Future Farmers of America) And it turned out that I was actually good at it. (And what girl doesn’t love the opportunity to be surrounded by gorgeous cowboys )

So begins my year as a freshman. I actually managed to make a few friends, draw the attention of an adorable cowboy and start feeling like I might actually be able to manage this high school thing. Guess what? We moved. This is what has always happened to me. Well I was devastated. Totally depressed that I might be able to carve out a place for myself and then it was violently ripped from me. Sigh. To this day I still have my locker lock and I still know the code. I don’t think that has any significance on anything but I felt like mentioning it.

Well moving didn’t work out real well for me. I had no intention of attending the ghetto high school in the district I was in. So honestly I feigned sickness. I did it a lot in high school and while it is terrible that I lied it worked out well for me. And really I like to think that I just omitted the fact that I wasn’t really as sick as I let on.

After some fun drama and a letter from the biological carrier of the other half of my dna, we decided to move home. Home will always be Pittsburgh PA. And while I have no intention of ever living there again, it will still always be home. We moved back to give the whole Daddy daughter thing a try. It wasn’t too fail. I was honestly surprised. That was summer of 1996. I love putting stuff in a year format. Really makes me cringe at how fast time has gone by.

That summer was good for a lot of things. I got my first peck kiss from Mike Viga (my boyfriends best friend, don’t I just sound like a tart) I made 2 life long female friends. This was a big deal. I think that it is more them than me that manage to keep our friendship going. After an interesting summer of falling in and out of infatuated teenage love with multiple boys (I only kissed the one) we moved back to AZ. Well this just ruined my whole life!!! Or at least I sure thought that when we left home. I missed my friends, I missed the thoughts of all the amazing things I was going to do with said friends. I had spent so long as the lonely outcast just hoping to find a niche to stick myself in and now I was off to the land of alone again. Always surrounded by so many people but never feeling noticed or important. I was back to being invisible. I found myself attending a charter school since we were back in the ghetto neighborhood of the school I was so not going to go to. I really just wanted to go back to Pittsburgh. I actually got my wish. It was awesome. Home we went in spring of 1997. It was great to be with my friends. I even managed to find myself at the same high school. This sounds great. It so wasn’t. It was terrible and if you can deduct anything from this post is that I run terribly quickly from all things that I think are terrible.

I was magically in love with a boy, one I had been “in love with” since I was 12. He was my first boyfriend. For the sake of this blog we will call him JR. JR got a girl pregnant while I was gone in the fall. Now I get to go to school and watch these two yahoos make googly eyes at each other, all the while knowing that I don’t get to be a part of the googly part.UGH. To make matters worse, my best friend had none of my classes and I felt terribly behind. So again, I used my health as a reason not to go. It was way easier than when I was in AZ. This school had 8 floors and no elevators. I hate feeling alone when I am surrounded by people. There was no homeschoolin this time. I just plain dropped out. It was the worst feeling eating lunch alone almost everyday, and it was even worse when JR wanted me to sit with him and the mommy to be. I run when I can’t handle it anymore so no more school = stressful feeling of rejection and alone gone too.

Well even hiding from school still bit me in the tooshy. I still had to see these people, just not as often. And what is worse? Well of course JR just kept dragging me alone, just close enough to give me some false hope, but with enough rejection mixed in that I was still alone. Alone and yet surrounded by people. It really is the bane of my existence to be with people and feel alone. I would much rather just truly be by myself. Then there isn’t some false sense that really being around people should mean you are not alone.

I spent 4 years as a freshman. Dropping out and refusing to go to school does that. I was actually ok with being a high school drop out. I really never wanted to be anything when I grew up besides a mommy so I had no need for that piece of paper that said I completed something. No education needed to have babies. Just ask the dorks in the above paragraphs. We left Pittsburgh in spring of 1998. What should have been my last year in highschool, and the beginning of life as a grown up right? So wrong. I was still in 9th grade with the most random credits anyone has ever seen, a giant and growing by the day, inability to interact with people my age and now I am plagued again by the love bug. 2 months before we leave to go back to AZ Dick (mentioned in this blog many times) decides it is now time to drop the love bomb on me. Well I knew I was leaving, and probably not coming back this time. So what do I do when approached with fear of loss and rejection? I run. I didn’t even acknowledge receipt of his tender teen feelings. I am such a jerk!

I honestly didn’t want to put myself in a situation to feel happy, and loved (this is how it would have been) and then have to leave. So I ran from love, and even managed to put almost 3000 miles between me and the feelings that I can only imagine would have been something I really needed at that time after all of the rejection I had suffered at the hands of JR.

So after the hard years of teenageness reared their ugly head all over my psyche, and I just start thinking there really is no hope for me I meet my current husband (the man I am filing for a divorce from this month). This was actually all for good. While I still had no social skills, he was older. And this meant I had an easier time relating to him since that was how I had been trained when I was younger. My mom also found an awesome school and I am happy to say that despite my ability to socialize with others I did get my highschool diploma as well as my GED. I finished that up and even took some college classes. Still the socially retarded butterfly. I must have been made without wings, I am terrible at trying to fly through social situations of my age bracket. It is okay though. I have come out of my shell a lot over the years. I am still terribly socially clumsy and I find that I do better when the social is work related. But I am learning. More since I left the hubby actually. Turns out to socially messed up people don’t help each other much.

So what now of my alone feelings when surrounded by others? Well it is still very much there. It plagues me daily when I have trouble even carving out a social existence with either the gaggle of children I am surrounded by daily, or the family I always have around. Sometime I feel all alone even in the most social of situations. I can’t really escape that feeling. As if I have to feel more alone when I am with others than when I am actually alone. I am not sure how that will play out in the future, but I am willing more and more to let a little of my social kite line out so I can try to fly a little higher each time. Sometimes I get knocked out of the sky completely and I have to start all over. But being alone means that I don’t have to worry when I fall that anyone is there to laugh at me. Plus I know that I am not really alone. Despite the feelings that float my way of feeling like there is no one here, I know that to be untrue. I am surrounded by people who love me, and want a happy life for me. And at the end of the day, that is good enough for me. I have to let go of that feeling that I am all alone, and remember that it is a state of my mind, no a true state of my being. The only person who can make me feel less alone is me. I control the state of my feelings and I am the person who has to let it go.

Everyone at some point feels like they are standing in a room full of people screaming that silent scream that no one around you hears. Feeling alone in the crowd is probably a normal state of being for most teenagers, and some adults. I know it is for me. I also know that in order to change this feeling, I have to go outside my comfort zone, an live and love like I am not alone. Harder than it sounds, but I am a work in progress and I know that GOD isn’t finished with me. he grows me everyday in some way and I just keep hoping that someday I am going to be standing in a crowd and feel at home and surrounded my those who love me. Not alone, not lonely and not scared. Just me, and happy to be around others that I can bring joy to, and be given joy from.

Be joyful today and spread some love, someone around you really may need just a moment of your time to feel less alone.

Never really alone,
Lady X

Alone – Heart

I hear the ticking of the clock
I’m lying here the room’s pitch dark
I wonder where you are tonight
No answer on the telephone
And the night goes by so very slow
Oh I hope that it won’t end though
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

You don’t know how long I have wanted
to touch your lips and hold you tight, oh
You don’t know how long I have waited
and I was going to tell you tonight

But the secret is still my own
and my love for you is still unknown
Alone

Till now I always got by on my own
I never really cared until I met you
And now it chills me to the bone
How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

How do I get you alone
How do I get you alone

Alone, alone

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