Tags

, , , , , , ,

Fear –noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain,etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling orcondition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: anabnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone’s safety.

Most people will experience fear at some point in their lives. If you are some strange person that has no idea what this concept means than I feel like you are living in wonderful ignorant bliss. Please send me an email telling me of the bliss you must have everyday.

For the rest of you that have battled fear or live with it daily. This post is just for you. Because see I live in fear. Lots of different ones. It is amazing how many are irrational, completely rational and totally off the wall.

For instance, I am afraid of zombies. Some people will think that this is stupid. I find it to be completely valid. Although while I am afraid of zombies I am more afraid of robots since honestly, killing something that is metal just sounds too damn hard and I am pretty sure we are all going to die at that point. Lets not dwell on that shall we.

Let us look at some rational fears. I am afraid to love. Let me elaborate on this a little more. I am not afraid of loving my kids, I love them very much. I couldn’t express in words the joys they have brought to my life and I am a better person since the Lord saw fit to bless me with them. I truly would be lost without them. No, the love I am afraid of is the love one has for their boyfriend/girlfriend, spouse, significant other. You get my drift. I fear loving someone. I am a lover not a fighter. I have mentioned this before and honestly I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I have turned and ran away from love as a younger girl just because it was too damn scary to love someone. Maybe I have Daddy issues buried in here. Maybe not. I just fear the rejection and the pain that comes with holding out your heart and hoping that someone doesn’t stomp on it.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this post. I want to cover a lot and I am sure that this post will be so long no one will want to read it all. But I write this blog for me, and I hope that you, the reader, can take something from my experiences and read this and find that even though I am just 30, I have some wisdom to share.

So as I said I have been thinking of this fear of love. And I know that it starts with the fear of rejection. In 5th grade my best friends in the whole world for the last two years told me I was not cool enough to be friends with them. This one event in my life lead to me only being friends with guys, and furthering myself from an ability to be friends with woman. Woman don’t like another woman who can relate and get along with men. Especially if they are bad at it. So losing all my girl friends in grade school starting a chain reaction. I went out of my way not to be friends with females. Ask any of us, we are bitches. No doubt about it, and honestly it is hard being friends with another woman anyway, throw in that she can fix cars, talk car speak, knows computers, and is a feminine jackie of all trades and you are the target for endless negative comments. Let’s throw in a tiny frame and a nice figure and a pretty face and I am officially the enemy. Stay away tart. You can’t be friends with me, you speak to much man speak. No way I am inviting that in to my life. I can’t compete with that.

Well then, you know what happens with you are shunned by your own sex. You go out of your way to get along with the opposite. I found that I liked it better being friends with guys. Now I can hear all of you saying that must have made me a whore. Well you would be wrong. Because of my interest in the things that the boys liked I seemed to get an admirable amount of personal respect. They respected me in a way that a guy that wanted to date me didn’t. They treated me with kid gloves and they enjoyed teaching me things. I am not saying that none of these guys didn’t want to have sex with me. That would be stupid. I am saying none of them tried. I was 17 years old when I got my first french kiss. Something about me demanded respect. And amazingly I was given it.

So when any of these boys came calling on a serious note, I went running. Headed for the hills and used my wonderful mom as my break up and dump tool. I send great apologies to my mom for having tortured her that way for all of my teenage life. You were a wonderful mom to put up with me.

This running stayed with me. When the first serious boy came along to spread his feelings of love to me, I ignored him. Hence the entire drama that was Dick. I still regret not saying anything but I will always believe that GOD does things for a reason. The season for Dick and I was not to be. And honestly I think he and I are both better for it. GOD is bigger than me, and his imaginings for my life are bigger than I could ever know. So I just take baby steps and hope I am doing well. But alas, I am off track again, I am the proverbial goldfish. Easily distracted.

I then came in contact with current husband. Our relationship was definitely a display of my fears. And he wasn’t all that good at smoothing them over either. Sigh. Some things just aren’t meant to be soothed. And I think that my fear has shown me things, and saved me time and time again. So I am not saying that all fear is bad either.

Currently I am fighting fear. Fear of failure at my taking care of me and the girls alone.

Fear that if I love to strongly that I will fail, that it will not work out, that I will find myself wishing I hadn’t tried at all.

Fear that the wicked witch of the west will go all ape nuts and lash out to hurt me or my kids. (highest fear currently)

To say that I am afraid would be an understatement. My fear caused the blog post of goodbye. When the crazy came calling, and the need to fight for what I wanted presented itself I relented. I dropped my heart on the floor and ran from it. I didn’t even want to take it with me. I run in fear because I am afraid to lose. I don’t want to lose this love I have found. It is like nothing else I have ever felt before and it makes me happy in a way I thought only existed in books and movies. It is truly possible to feel this much love, this much happiness? Well sure it is, but it comes at a cost. My sanity with regards to fear. I can be fearful that this wonderful man will leave, it is unlikely but still a valid fear. I can be fearful that he will be taken from me. W loves to blackmail people. Currently she is using his children, and she has even dragged mine into this whole thing. I want desperately to grab her by the hair and tell her to find something else to do with her time!

Who is this love of my life that I am trying desperately not to run from. It’s Carlos. Yes. You remember Carlos and my tearful blog goodbye. Turns out, I couldn’t stay away. Just couldn’t manage it at all. And honestly now that I think about it, it was stupid to run in the first place. How dare the evil W try to steal my joy! And guess what. Just like a dramatic soap opera she is conspiring with my estranged separated spouse in order to try to break it all up.

If the reasoning behind this creepy alliance was good then maybe I could understand. But Carlos has been divorced 2 years, and his X remarried. So no excuses there. She says that she made mistakes and she wants to go back to the way things were. Nope, can’t help you there. Not many men get cheated on, take care of the child that is not theirs, do all they can to stay with their spouse only to be told, never mind, I want to be with my new baby daddy. He tried, and I watched as my best friend was hurt time and time again by the woman who was supposed to always take care of him, and love him. I would never ever want him to go back to that. He got cheated on countless times, and he forgave her every time. He didn’t punish her for her mistakes, he took care of her. And even when she sent him packing, he still was always there whenever she needed him. And honestly, even now in the midst of death threats and the thoughts of cut brake lines, and her not letting their daughter go on a trip planned 2 months ago (because she is a jerk) because she says she cannot handle all of this. Do you know what she can’t handle? The fact that Carlos never had any time to see anyone before and not much desire too either. And he and I’s friendship budded into more, and when I was finally out of the hell that I had been tortured in for so long we wanted to see if we had anything there. And there was so much there it was amazing! She only starts this now because I am a threat to her ever using him again.

Carlos and I talked a lot last night. One of our many conversations that starts off so serious but ends in sweet kisses and snuggles. He made me make him a promise and I made him do the same. An unselfish promise. We promised that no matter what happens if it becomes necessary for one of us to do what we feel is right, and that right action will hurt the other person that it still needs to be done. I love him, and he loves me. And I know that sometimes love isn’t enough. Currently like a super hero with no powers I search for the hidden ability to combat my fear that I will fail in this endeavor of love as I have in the past.

I failed my marriage. So did my husband but I am able to recognize where I made mistakes. But my marriage was over years ago. Fear kept me there, and I braved that fear to make a better life for my daughters, and myself. Now I have found love. I have run from it twice already. And I can’t make up for that lost time even though it is just precious weeks. This life is amazingly short. I don’t want to spend the entire thing wallowing in my fears any longer. I was afraid to tell my husband that his disability was ruining our lives. That I needed him to be the man that our family needed. I was afraid of hurting him so I didn’t tell him when I wasn’t in love anymore because I didn’t want to hurt him. He was already so hurt and suffering every day. I enabled him in his pain, to watch him make his pain more important than his family. And even though I have left, and that May is my filing month for my divorce, I still see him making his pain more important than his kids. And now I find myself being brave and fighting the fear of hurting him and my girls. I won’t enable him anymore. That is all I did while I was there. While he may not see it now, he is better off without me. I hate knowing my kids now come from a broken home. Honestly it is rare when someone doesn’t and no that isn’t some lame justification for it. I am just saying that it is not the end of their world. They are loads better for not being around the constant fighting. I want everyone in this to be happy. Even my X. I am not however responsible for anyone’s happiness but my girls. And I chose to be responsible for Carlos and my happiness as a couple.

I am scared to death the things that could come my way with the scheming from people who are honestly on their way to being certifiably crazy. I am scared I will hurt Carlos, I am scared that I will get hurt, and I am scared, GOD forbid that my girls may get hurt. My head tells me to run, it says pack your bags and go home. You don’t want to stay here and let these people near you or your kids. It isn’t worth it. My heart says stay and fight, and win the battle for love. Show the crazies at you are strong, and that you won’t buckle under their pressures. I have spent my whole life letting others make my decisions. I let my X tell me that he didn’t want me to have tattoos or body piercings when I was younger and we were just a couple. I didn’t agree but I did as I was told because I wanted to be happy. I did that for years. There were very few times that I have ever stuck up for myself. The last 3 years of my marriage have been hell and taught me that I can be me, and I can be loved for being who I am or everyone else can go piss up a rope.

I am no longer running the gamut on keeping people, who won’t love me the way that I am, happy. It is not my job to do so. I can’t be soley responsible for everyone’s happiness. Everyone has to make choices to do what is right, and to choose to be happy or choose to be sad. You choose to stay in an emotionally damaging situation or you grow a pair and for the sake of your kids and yourself you move on.

I didn’t think that love would find me so fast. I wasn’t looking. It surprised me who it was. And it surprised me how much we fit together. Like two perfect puzzle pieces. Just meant to be together. I don’t know if Carlos and I will win the battle. I don’t know if we will be together when it is all said and done, and I don’t know if we will be happy. I know this. I have spent years wondering what would have happened if I had, at seventeen, tried to see if I could be happy with Dick. And a summer phone affair last year proved to me that there could have been something there. And I won’t lie and say that I won’t always be at least a little curious. But I won’t do that this time. I won’t run. I am in love, with someone who loves all the strange and quirky things about me.

He doesn’t care I am messy, tattooed, slighty goth with a little emo thrown in for flavor. In fact, he loves me more for it. He lets me be me, and I let him be him. I don’t want him any different. I want him just the way he has always been my friend, just with more attached to it. I want him to stay, to walk with me and hold my hand and hold me in his arms and tell me that everything will turn out just as GOD intended. If GOD intended for the road to love to be easy he would have given us a map.

We are a sin filled people on this cursed planet. We make mistakes. And we can only hope that time can heal the wounds that we cause and that people can accept our apologies. Those who can’t move on are welcome to stay in the past. I am done living with my mistakes hanging over my head. My failures posted on the wall of life for everyone to see. I am ready to attempt to live this life and while the fear is there. Ever presently waiting to take over, to ruin my day with the stomach ache and drama that always comes when my intuition goes off like a fire alarm. I will no be controlled by these fears. I won’t hurt the ones I love anymore because I cannot control things. Control is an illusion. No one has it. No one is in control. And I won’t be controlled any longer by people who want to use fear to hurt me, and keep me in their control.

Don’t let fear control you. It can be there, and it keeps you cautious, but it can cripple you. Leaving you huddled in a hot bath wondering why you even bothered getting out of bed. Fear has not made me depressed. But in the past I have let it immobilize me. Make me stationary. When I should have been moving, and working, and keeping things up I was stuck. Frozen in fear.

I will not be frozen in fear any longer. I will not succumb to the evil tyranny of others because they think that I am stupid and couldn’t possibly know how to do this life without their bossy guidance to drive me around mindless and unable to think for myself.

I have not won against the fear. It is still there. Racking my stomach in that icky feeling that the drama has more to come still. My intuition has not been wrong so far. So I know that there is still more to come. But I am not alone in my fight against the Exes. I have Carlos, and he keeps me strong. I won’t let go this time. I won’t lie down and take the fear tactics being used on me. I have watched him stand up for himself and be strong in the face of all of this, and yet again, he gives me hope. Hope that someday these people can move on and stop interfering in things that are not theirs to mess with.

We will fight the fear. I don’t know if we will win. But if you hang around long enough around here you might actually find out.

Always Yours,
Lady X

Push – Sarah McLachlan

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You’ve seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do ’cause you’re to good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you’ll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I’d drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I’m OK
Sometimes thats just what we need to get us through the day

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe in
You’re all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You’re the one true thing I know I can believe

Advertisements